341 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Iran is going to make billions from the Strait, while before the war they made nothing. They should really name Trump Employee of the Month.

Wis's avatar

Yep. The new tolls for tankers passing through the Strait should fill Iran’s coffers plenty to rebuild and re-arm. Brilliant, trump.

Penny Pawl's avatar

He is not the sharpest knife in the drawer!!!!

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

He's not even a knife in a drawer; he's a an already-used plastic spork in a trash can.

Bad Ass Boomer's avatar

He's not the sharpest used plastic fork in the trash can.

Debi's avatar

Actually, he's one of those plastic jar opener plastic circles that flip flops all over the place and has NO SHARP anything.

Italophile's avatar

Do not recycle.

HAZARDOUS WASTE!

Joseph M Becker's avatar

Part of the application for admission to UChicago's Class if 2001 was the requirement for creation of a story involving a spork. I do not recall what I did with the spork we subsequently acquired on vacation, and would like to give it to our daughter, who is soon off to her 25th reunion. OR, does she already have it? So much trivia; so little time.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

I have things like this fall out of the back of my brain all the time. Random, rusty memories, I mean. Not sporks.

Joseph M Becker's avatar

Sherlock Holmes’ brother Mycroft referred to himself as a "repository of arcane information [?]”. Please correct me if I erred.

I speak of myself as a 'fountain of useless facts'.

Wis's avatar

He’s not even in the drawer as a knife - he’s a spoon (that has a hole, so it, like trump, is useless.)

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

We have one of those! It was my mother's. We're long past the days of sugar bowls, but I can't get rid of it. Plus the metal is so old it may not be safe to used with food any more, but it probably wouldn't kill anybody...right?

Al Keim's avatar

Rub the handle repeatedly, with vigor, on a concrete wall or floor. Be careful to do it in an out of sight spot. Also do this during noisy day activities on the block. Once you have attained a weapons grade spork you will know.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

If it was a clean one, that would be an option, but think of who we're referencing. Very, very unclean. Heck, the floor would buckle trying to get away from it/him.

Also, have you ever seen a real spork in a trash can, covered in cole slaw and baked beans and the remnants of barbecue on a Sprite-soaked plate with a couple dozen bees eagerly/angrily looking for their share? I'm not putting my hand in there.

Points for thinking outside the trash can, though!

Kate Delano-Condax Decker's avatar

HarrisWalz: ...if it would, I have an idea... :-) !!

Linda Wallin's avatar

Probably safer than what we use now!

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Trump is a dusty, rusty, archaic TOOL!!!

misia.d's avatar

Not the sharpest Bazooka at all.

John Townsend's avatar

He's not even a knife, more like a dull spoon!

Leslie's avatar

Ah yes always focused on what's best for the US.

nks's avatar

And DT gets a big out of that toll- right into his pocket!

Jay F's avatar

If they offer to name it after Trump, we’d have a solid treaty.

Irna Gadd's avatar

It’s the most effective he’s been at making money – it’s just not his money.

MLRGRMI's avatar

If you look at the oil-market-futures 25 minutes before he announced his “two week….” Someone made a killing. My guess it was trump’s boys and bros. He IS making money. And looting ours as he kneecaps the USA further.

ASB's avatar

He did say he was negotiating "a joint venture" 🤣🤣🤣

Teri Springer's avatar

Of course he did. If there is money to be made, that is all he cares about.

Sharon P's avatar

OH for a joint

Becky Panfil's avatar

He’s considering putting his statue there.🙄

misia.d's avatar

Maybe his Arch can go there too! The biggest Golden Arch anywhere.

Susan Stone's avatar

Wouldn't that be trademark infringement? I thought McDonalds already had a lock on golden arches.

Al Keim's avatar

Trump has a golden spur add on to avoid copyright infringement.

Susan Stone's avatar

AHH!! I hope it's put at a level where he would back into it…😇

Leslie's avatar

Oh the Epstein trump statue from the Ntl Mall thats has become so popular! How exciting I knew it would find a good home.

M Q's avatar

At the bottom of the strait?

The Rickster's avatar

…next to the Stonehenge set piece from This Is Spinal Tap.

CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

Fine! Just don't put it anywhere in the USA!

Anonymous's avatar

This comment may get me tarred and feathered, but I cannot fault Iran for collecting tolls. They are owed reparations for the damage caused by the unprovoked attacks. Tolls will be a much more certain source of income, rather than wait for the US to pay for their war crimes.

lyn molstrom's avatar

Useful Idiot of the month

Abigail Norling's avatar

I just read that little orange don plans to split the profits with them

Kathy's avatar

Zelensky should call Trump & inform him that the US, Trump, Hegseth, Kushner and Witkoff literally have no cards

Leslie's avatar

Can they play with domino's? Maybe bingo cards?

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂 🤮 I heard that too! This bs is never going to end, is it?! Trump is a grifting moron 🤮

Leslie's avatar

He's really a parasite extrordinaire you know kinda like a bedbug

Suzy Fraser's avatar

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Edie Patterson's avatar

They and Putin…he’s putting money in their pockets-wonder if any of it makes it back to his?????

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Lots of money and favours owed for the pee tapes, remember?!

Keith B.'s avatar

Is that Karma? Or is it too soon for Karma?

Leslie A Stensen's avatar

I'm waiting for someone, a very good hacker, to get the pee tape and send it world wide!!

M Q's avatar

But he is already Putin's employee of the month!

Leslie's avatar

He's been Putin's employee of the months for years

Adam Stoler's avatar

in nyc we can a person like that a "dumb ass schmuck".

Fits the dumb ass to a T

Ada Fuller's avatar

Or name it the Trump Strait — this excursion would be over in a hot minute!

Curtis P's avatar

Not the full Sharpie he never was. He really has to press hard to make any ink flow out, more like a weak, sputtering gray than black.

Dan Cobb's avatar

He should hold a place of honor in Iran.

Jim Carmichael's avatar

Is there a Nobel Prize for Humor? There should be, and Andy should get it, along with another award for Stating What Others Are Only Thinking Subliminally.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

If there is, Hegseth is a lock.

Wis's avatar

Heggie has a lock on *inspiring* humor. He has no humor himself. The man himself only cracks a smile at the sight of blood.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

He consistently makes me laugh. Perhaps the most embarrassing clown in the entire car.

Penny Pawl's avatar

and gag those tattoos!!!!

Wis's avatar

He’s hilarious but it’s unintentional (which makes it even more hilarious). But he takes himself and everything so damned seriously, it’s no wonder he turned to booze, just to escape himself. Now that he has apparently quit, he’s living on the edge, volatile, a white-knuckling dry drunk at his worst.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

his cartoonish facial expressions, Elvira hairstyle, and totally embarrassing and angering actions and statements, he is a clown. Can't wait for some of his kids to grow up and write tell-alls. It will get ugly.

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

one of those ultra scary clowns from horror movies

John Townsend's avatar

"Chucky"s twin: "Petey"!

Suzy Fraser's avatar

Unless the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

John Townsend's avatar

Might take a hurricane to make those apples fly!

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Funny, he NEVER makes me laugh. Wait…I think I laughed at the stupid suggestion he take that role, shortly after witnessing his axe 🎯 throwing DISASTER, as co host…he injured 🤕 that man. Hegseth is a sad, sack, impotent, evil man who only ever makes me want to vomit 🤮. I don’t say this usually, in his case I will…if he were the LAST person on earth…I would not speak to him! 🪱 That is also true for Steven Miller, Steve Bannon, Donald Trump senior or junior 🐍 🪱, snakes and worms all! Wait, include Lutnick, Vance 🐍 🐍 🪱 🪱 …how much time have you got?! A long list of vermin…we can all see the through thread 🪡, right?!!!

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Preach, girlfriend!!!

Wis's avatar

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Leslie's avatar

Totally! He's able to make up for the loss of The Maga Bimbos. So much material yet to come

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

And he smiles approvingly at himself in the mirror -- probably flexes and poses and maybe even kisses his reflection. He's got a crush on himself. Ew. Further evidence of his bad taste and duh der mentality.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

I think you’re right…he’s all about the mirrors 🪞 and kissing his pecs…and of course…kissing DJTrump‘s ass!!! EW EW EW 🤮 🤮

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Oi oi oi -- just the thought of THAT -- vomitus maximus!

Bob Graham's avatar

Well, I guess it's a lock, but it's unhinged.

Marilynn Weaver's avatar

There's a Mark Twain prize I think that's what its called. That would be great for Andy!

Lynn Tuohy's avatar

I concur! Andy could follow in the footsteps of Bill Maher, and receive the award in the former Trump Center for the Performing Arts.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Andy instead of Bill. I like Bill, but I haven't forgiven him for having dinner with trump. Not ok. Under any any circumstances.

Wis's avatar
3hEdited

Same here! What was really unforgiveable was Bill saying how nice trump was. I wanted to say to "Bill, most serial killers are nice people when they want to be, you know..."

Wendy Tucker's avatar

In my opinion, there is no excuse for the visit OR the compliment. None. The only exoneration for Maher is a full blown apology-retraction and opening another weed store near Mar-a-Lago. Probably city ordinances would prevent this, but it's a gratifying fantasy.

Lynn Tuohy's avatar

I think the deed has already been done, the award already presented. Maher has always had questionable taste in the company he keeps, but that allows him access to people that y’all and I would avoid.

Paula B McClure's avatar

Of course Bill did right at the White House. Pretty much a bet, don’t you think?

Kathy's avatar

Maybe Iran’s new leader should get nominated for the Nobel peace prize… just to chew what’s left of trump’s brain

Weezie P's avatar

I wish I'd thought of this first! Excellent!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Someone on Nobel committee should add this category. And yes, Andy should get the medal. This would cause donnie to have such hysteria that he'd become catatonic and FINALLY be confined to a small room in a convalescent home in Queens. All the caregivers would be immigrants from Belize, bent on revenge. No ketchup, no Diet Coke, Cheerios with 2% milk for breakfast, vegetable soup for lunch, and fish sticks with canned green beans for dinner. No snacks.

It's so gratifying to conjure up these images. Wish they'd become reality.

Jim Carmichael's avatar

Priceless additions to my Dream Castle.

Wis's avatar

Every so often, I spend a bit of time daydreaming scenarios for trump. It's like a form of therapy. The reality crash can be rough, though, you're right! I'm often disappointed when I snap out of it and realize my dreams aren't reality...! (Har!)

Cindy La Ferle's avatar

Andy, I laughed aloud at your headline paired with the photo -- this is hilarious! I haven't laughed like that since the last time YOU made me laugh, and for that I am truly grateful. What would we all do without you?

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Thank you!!! This makes me happy.

Autumn Mich's avatar

And please continue the photos of Mousse. I really needed that dose of cuteness

Susan von Beethoven's avatar

I can’t decide who makes me smile the most:

Andy for his hilarious satire, or Mousse for his (her?) adorable cuteness!

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy , I am happy that you are happy! 😂💕Thank you for the daily dose of sanity and laughter! Truly the best medicine for these nightmarish times ! Would Mousse consider being my therapist? 😂❤️

Suzy Fraser's avatar

And Mousse photos are the icing on the cake.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

You make us happy. You make us laugh. You rev up our endorphins and boost our immune systems. Making you happy is the least we can do to thank you.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

🎈❣️🎉 🏆💓🎯

Susan's avatar

My sentiments exactly!

wendy moluf's avatar

True treasure, indeed- especially in these stupid authoritarian dictator-like times.

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Thanks for Mousse, Andy. If gin isn’t handy, fluffy and cute will suffice.

Jodie Pine's avatar

Mousse is a cutie, thank you for including him today!

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Her. But yes!

Jodie Pine's avatar

oops - sorry, got her mixed up with Cookie - Cookie is a boy, right?

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

💓 🐾 🐾 💓🐾🐾

Diana Whitney's avatar

His motto is "shoot, ready aim."

Jerr's avatar

If we are lucky, he will have the weapon pointed backwards when he yells fire. (shoot)

John Townsend's avatar

--and in just that order!

Richard Scharf's avatar

If Iran had a copy of the Epstein files, Trump wouldn't have attacked them.

CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

That's a big reason why Trump kisses up to Putin. Would love to see the kompromat that Putin has on Trump!

susan c spalding's avatar

Thank God for Mousse!!!🥰🥰🥰

Jean Enderle's avatar

Oh Mousse! You are adorable and look so huggable! You were just what I needed today!

George R. Fleischli's avatar

I UNDERSTAND THERE WAS A DISPUTE OVER THE TONNAGE BEING ALLOWED TO PASS, UNTIL THEY REALIZED ITWAS THE WEIGHT OF THE REDACTIONS THAT WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 10% INCREASE.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Unfortunately, most everyone can see the damage DJTrump and ilk have done 😭😭. One doesn’t have to be especially bright to see the shortcomings and cracks. It’s going to change everything. I am grateful that people are waking up and seeing the inequality, unfairness, cruelty, selfishness and grift. Let’s not underestimate the intelligence or cultural richness of other civilizations anymore. Let’s just focus on the planet and how we can do SOOO MUCH BETTER!!! Let’s think globally and move with grace!!! Let’s be decent, law abiding citizens!!! What a concept!!!

Wis's avatar

That’s crazy talk, Elisabeth! What are you, a socialist or something?

(((I am)))

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. I want to sleep with Bernie Sanders😂😂😂 and his mitts 😂😂. Just kidding. I only have eyes for my dog 🐾🐾. 💓. Nothing pervy. 😂

Wis's avatar

😅😅. Heck, I sleep with my dog! All that happens is some heavy petting. 😉

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂 we are lucky!! 😂😂

Wis's avatar

👏💕👍 !!

John Townsend's avatar

(Insert rimshot here!)

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

I photoshopped up some frickin' awesome Bernie with his mitts memes -- wish I could post 'em! I'm still Berning for Bernie!!!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I have two Bernie t-shirts and deliberately wore one to a 10K where there were a goodly # of Trump supporters. I wondered if anyone would notice; sure enough, at the start line some woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'What's with the Bernie t-shirt?' I replied that I liked and supported him. She responded, 'You KNOW.....he's very anti-Israel.' I looked her in the eye and said, 'No. No he is not. He's anti-Bibi.' She slunk off. HA.

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Perfect retort! Ha indeed! Brava, grrrlfriend!!!

Just don't get it how so many folks don't get it -- it's not anti-Israel or anti-Semitic to be anti-Bibi and his foul command and the genocide they're trying to perpetrate on those poor Palestinians in Gaza. Why everyone doesn't feel this way is beyond me -- are those who don't pro-genocide? Pro war crimes and pro war atrocities?

Dear God / Goddess how I wish Bernie was our president!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Floofie--many thanks. I am Jewish. I loathe Bibi and his ultra right wing Ultra Orthodox supporters. I am in favor of a two state situation with full civil rights for the Palestinians AND for the Jewish settlers. I am fucking sick and tired of being accused of being a bad Jew because I hold these views. I admire and respect Bernie. If I could knit, I'd knit him some mittens

John Townsend's avatar

Maybe in some alternate universe, just not ours.......

John Townsend's avatar

Pinko wackos unite! You have only to dump Trump!

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Shwhew!!! Dang girl, you be on a roll!!! (inquiring minds want to know if it's buttered...)

And BIG HONKIN' YES to all you said -- I feel the same!

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂 🧈😂😂

Jo Burns's avatar

"Trump, Artless Deal Maker" brought to you for free by Iran. Get your copy now whilst browsing the Epstein Files.

John Townsend's avatar

--and using Clorox and a straw to remove all the redactions by Sharpie!

Debbie Potts's avatar

Sometimes you just have to laugh!

Kimberly Swanson's avatar

If only the Epstein files could be released-un-redacted- to the four corners of the earth- including Artemis II and the ISS.

And, if I may say so, we need a daily dose of Mousse in these troubled times. Not weekly. She is beyond cute. And so is Cookie! Throw his pictures in too, please. And I wish Joyce Vance would include more chicken/dog/cat shots.

Jacqueline Gardner's avatar

Thanks for the Mousse!

Ann Equitz's avatar

Ah, Andy, you’ve outdone yourself! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️