414 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

The Ayatollah spoke in front of a banner reading, “OMISSION UNACCOMPLISHED.”

Wis's avatar

So THAT’S why trump is so het up on bombing the shit out of Iran! They have unredacted copies of the Epstein files!

I knew there was some hidden, sinister *real* reason behind this war! I thought it was simply more distraction, but I see it’s even more nefarious than that.

Tricia Wilson's avatar

At least that makes some sense.

Pat Goudey OBrien's avatar

I think he hopes to make himself look powerful on the world stage and scare people into voting for Republicans again in November… Maduro…Iran…Cuba…desrabilizing and claiming victories…And massive fascism, economic stress, healthcare crisis, social upheaval at home, but some people will still be distracted by the wars he is starting…

felice's avatar

To: Pat Goudey

Right on! And I thought I was depressed before. I had to go out and splurge on all new make-up to make me feel better!

Pat Goudey OBrien's avatar

I’m desperately trying to get a decent night’s sleep. This doesn’t help an old lady drop into dreamland. {I wish I still wore make-up — that might be fun.} I’m soooooo worried.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy , It warms the cockles of my heart that the Ayatollah is starting to develop a Borowitzian sense of satire ! 😉💕

John Townsend's avatar

--while this war is not doing anything for the cockles in my heart or anywhere else!

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

…and Trump was worried they’d drop a nuclear bomb! Hah, wrong again.

Dawna Stromsoe's avatar

To President Epstein, the TrumpStein Files ARE the nuclear bomb.

Harvey Perry's avatar

For the mad wanna-be king, they are worse.

MollyWhitebear's avatar

AMEN! You took the thought right out of my mind! LOL!

John Townsend's avatar

A nuclear bomb metaphorically!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Melania has been seen this morning on 5th Avenue helping Reza shop for new crown jewels

Harvey Perry's avatar

Remember that the US CIA overthrew an elected government in Iran and installed the Shah as dictator. The current regime takeover in 1979 was blow-back from that operation. And now Trump wants the Shah's son to takeover as a new Shah. "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it". However, first one must read history.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Trump’s response: “What is this thing you call ‘read’?”

MollyWhitebear's avatar

Says tRump and every other MAGAt!

Octavia Redwood's avatar

what's that thing called listen and learn?

Lorenzo's avatar

Thanks for reminding us how this all began. Now the lard ass draft dodger gets to play soldier with other people's lives.

Lee Roscoe's avatar

read, what's that? Isn't that somthing subversive that those woke commies do?

Harry Gewanter's avatar

And someone must be able to read

Wendy Tucker's avatar

But the one who must, does not (read).

Wis's avatar

Har!! 👏👏

Elene Gusch's avatar

And remember what one has read....

Gordon Shumway's avatar

Hegel said that what we learn from history is that we don't learn from history... 😒

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Oops! Tiffany’s has just refused to take Melania’s check

Clym Yeobright's avatar

AND they won’t take Reza’s food stamps!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

“We’ve been here before, dollink. Your husband always stops payment and we never get our jewels back. Go home and treat him nice. Then go to the bank and get a cashier’s check. We have a very nice lady who can teach you {wink, wink} if you like … but you don’t look like there’s anything she knows that you don’t (golf balls and garden hoses and all that lol) …”

Judith Richards's avatar

Dollink...reminds of Boris and Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle!! 🤣🤣🤣

John Townsend's avatar

How about the credit card? We're sure it's gold-plated!

Lee Roscoe's avatar

so we can have a new regime of Savak torturers

John Townsend's avatar

Oh, Melania, just lend him yours!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I thought Donnie had cut up her cards because she cut him off?

Gjay15's avatar

And the gift keeps on giving

Kim D's avatar

The King of the plays on words!

Marcia Formica's avatar

Oh if ONLY

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Just you wait.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy , I’ve always loved your optimism!❤️

Marcia Formica's avatar

Maybe *that’s* what this is all about: we’re really bombing known Iranian hacker hubs so they can’t pull a wiki leaks on Dumpty…

thietthoang@gmail.com's avatar

I love this Andy flower girl way way more than the Audrey Hepburn counterpart though , o yes, of course I know she is infinitely more handsome!! And I'm joining you in your prayers, Andy !!

Susan Mongar's avatar

Exactly what I was going to post!!!!

Sue's avatar

Iran may have copies of the files, but Netanyahu definitely does. Remember, his predecessor Ehud Barak is not only in them but named as having killed one of the girls during "rough sex." Bibi has enough blackmail material to keep his American poodle on a leash.

Roland Saeger's avatar

So does Vladimir Putin.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

As long as this is The Time to Expose, what about the videos of the hookers who were peeing on Donnie's bed. Surely, Vladdy must have them stashed away.

Annette's avatar

Bibi is willing to sacrifice his people to maintain his power

ww's avatar

So is that waste of flesh who currently occupies OUR White House. It's still early out here on the Left Coast, so I'm not going to start on Congress right now. Maybe AFTER breakfast...

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

That's why Bibi and Donnie get along-two worthless amoral dark holes who worship power above all else

Annette's avatar

I've seen a quote that says, to paraphrase, Trump, Netanyahu and Putin are three white men in their 70s trying to avoid prison . . . all at the expense of our lives

Annette's avatar

take your time, sadly I think we'll be in this position for awhile . . . where is Superman when you need him??

ww's avatar
3hEdited

WE are Superman, Annette. This will stop when enough of us say NO!

Sharon Herrick's avatar

You know very well that it will have to be Superwoman.

Gordon Shumway's avatar

the parallels between Bibi and the bloated yam (your expression) are uncanny: both corrupt and in legal trouble; both on third marriages; both happy to sacrifice their own countries, et cetera, et cetera....

Judy Sherwood's avatar

so is trump... EG Minneapolis and other ICE killings around the US

Robert E.'s avatar

Uncle Putin is sitting on some "National Enquirers" too.

Veejer's avatar

Oh yeah! Child's play for Mossad.

Brenda Reiss's avatar

Actually, it's the other way around. I don't like Netanyahu either, but he tried to stop this, but Trump is hell bent on distraction and having power over the midterms. If Netanyahu didn't go along Trump has plenty he can withhold in the way of defensive equipment

Grace Ayscue's avatar

Yep I came here to say that, too - If Only!

Paula Emery's avatar

My thoughts exactly!!!

nks's avatar

For a milli-nanosecond after initially viewing this post, I believed it!! then I had a good morning chuckle with my cuppa. Thx Andy for that fleeting moment in time!

Diane McMenamy's avatar

Trump, attempting to wag the dog, distract from The Epstein Files and attempting to usurp midterms….🤬

Sue's avatar

Unfortunately, Irani is more likely to hit back with terrorism, which will give the Trump administration the excuse they need for martial law.

Antoinette S. Hamilton's avatar

I have thought about that also. Trump is an opportunist at creating chaos and terror . So maybe he's a terrorist himself.

Wis's avatar

Omigosh, Antionette, there’s no “maybe” about it! Trump is a master terrorist, and his primary target is America itself!

Annette's avatar

as we get closer and closer to "Mission Accomplished"

Wis's avatar

{{{shudder}}}

Antoinette S. Hamilton's avatar

If Trump hadn't taken the US out of the nuclear weapons agreement with Iran, there would be no war right now. I think he just wants to play war games like a little boy, only real people get killed. He certainly has no experience fighting in a war himself.

SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

A two year stint in the service should be

a basic requirement for running for Pres.

if you're going to make him "commander

in Chief"

Judy Sherwood's avatar

There was a highly negotiated, mutually agreed upon document IN PLACE when trump took office and he summarily tossed it out... just so he could do exactly what he's doing right now. That's his MO. Create a problem that "he, and only he" can fix. With brute force, bombs, terrorizing citizens.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Oh Antoinette -- don't be so hard on our Donnie. He wanted to go to Vietnam. He really did--it was just those bone spurs that kept him home. Poor guy. Poor little Donald.

ww's avatar

"…maybe he's a terrorist himself."

What more proof do we need?

Vicki Bacal's avatar

Maybe? There's no doubt!

Annette's avatar

excellent point

SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

No maybe about it, Antoinettee

Thomas Thoman's avatar

maga ruins everything

Wis's avatar

That’s a great and simple, banner-worthy statement, Thomas! Short, true and pithy. Well done! 👏

Annette's avatar

God help us all

Annette's avatar

the man's depravity knows no bounds

Anca Vlasopolos's avatar

Both incredibly funny and incredibly sad.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Just like "Profiles in Ignorance."

Robert Quencer's avatar

The “regime change “ that is needed is in Washington

Denise Bleak's avatar

Time for change: no hope for peace in this world?

Denise's avatar

That’s what I was thinking!

Susan von Beethoven's avatar

The attack was a huge success: the news outlets haven’t said “Epstein” for nine hours.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Exactly what Donnie hoped for. But the thing is...........it is possible to multitask. Even with Bari Weiss trying to direct traffic.

Barry Feldman's avatar

Yeah but we have Borowitz, thankfully.

Jeaneen Stephansky's avatar

I trust nothing from this administration!

linda murrell's avatar

Andy, you did it again. Condensed all that is wrong with this admninstration into a few hilarious paragraphs. Bravo!

Bill Morgan's avatar

Must have been big planes

RobertGalleano's avatar

Mike Johnson popped out of his burrow ,briefly, to say there'll be three more years of winter.

Annette's avatar

and "I haven't seen that yet"

John Townsend's avatar

--and he ought to know as he is helping to bring it!

Ellen Hackman's avatar

Is it a coincidence that Trump started a war to distract from Epstein files and stop the midterm elections?I wouldn’t put it past him.

Annette's avatar

then I believe, we as Americans, must label everything that is involved in this war with tRump's name . . . so this is tRump's War, tRump's destruction, tRump's casualties, tRump's American soldier deaths . . .

Linda McCaughey's avatar

Oh, yes! He would love that!

EJN's avatar

I wholeheartedly agree! He is a fool, playing with fire…and we are the ones to be burned.

Annette's avatar

emphasis on the "fool" part . . . he hasn't a clue the devastation he's unleashing

Wendy Tucker's avatar

He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'devastation'. Too many syllables.

Linda McCaughey's avatar

Of course he did. No coincidence.

Susan Moss's avatar

What if Epstein is also a distraction from some other dirty dealing that’s flying under the radar?

Wendy Tucker's avatar

He's been doing shit long before he met Jeffrey.

John Townsend's avatar

Would not be surprised!

Wis's avatar

No question.

Lee Roscoe's avatar

He will stage a false flag terror attack from Iran or other "homegrown" "terrorists" and proclaim martial law

Elizabeth Block's avatar

Of course. Starting a war is a classic way to distract the population. Henry V did it, and now Trump is doing it.

Devoted's avatar

I agree 💯 % Ellen.

Heidi Lindy's avatar

I KNEW he was going to do this----after having his hands slapped by the supreme court.

Denise's avatar

That and just days after the revelation that he raped and punched a 14 year old.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

After she bit his dick. Ouch.

Annette's avatar

sadly, another example of his motto: "Ready, shoot, aim"

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that but it makes sense. He'll show them!!!!!!!!!

Emily's avatar

Donnie just said "Iran's nuclear capacity "will be totally again obliterated."

Andy, I didn't think anyone could make me laugh at this - thanks for the brief respite from horror.

Robot Bender's avatar

Sooo...Iran unobliterated it?

Denise Bleak's avatar

I heard John Bolton say “unobliterated” this am on soon-to-beCNNewsMax.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

They've got magic super powers, man, haven't you heard?

Annette's avatar

I heard that too and sadly shook my head . . . he's so f'ing stupid he doesn't know he's stupid

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Ah, but who is the stupidest of them all? I still can't over the fact that he was elected a second time. You know the old saying: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. All those Trump voters. And for all of those who did not vote---what a harsh way to learn that voting matters, that character matters. There's plenty of stupidity to go around.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

What you write is indeed clever....but it is also true. He really doesn't have any idea how ignorant he or that he's an object of ridicule. A dangerous object, certainly....but this guy has a pea for a brain.

Wis's avatar

What did trump bomb and ‘totally obliterate’ the first time?

You know what shocks me? I’d nearly forgotten that first bombing months ago - in my head, the pace of illegal, corrupt acts trump commits almost hourly has crowded out what he did two weeks ago, let alone two months.

Emily's avatar

But we are not forgetting the Epstein files. Bibi is wagging our dog, making me wonder if his buds are in there - Dershowitz has to be.

Wis's avatar

The whole Epstein mess seems to involve EVERY man with money and power. It’s truly remarkable how widespread this man Epstein’s reach was!

Harvey Perry's avatar

It's the Epstein class.

Wis's avatar

Yup! I want that epithet to stick, too!

Annette's avatar

tRump time is warped and feels like forever. . . . and the first total obliteration didn't "stick" so he's going back to . . . to . . . who the hell knows what is bouncing around in his demented swiss cheese mind?

Veejer's avatar

Before or after making America Great Again again again again?

Carol Mattusch's avatar

Bummer: I believed the headline.

ROSEMARY SCHLICK's avatar

I don't know who I'm quoting here, but Andy probably knows. My mother often said, "Many a true word is spoken in jest." All my life I have found this to be true. If only the fuckups in this country would pay attention to all the shit tRump has put us through just to avoid the truth about his despicable past, we could get rid of him in about ten minutes. RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES should be the national cry and then Bondi, Miller, Noem, Hegseth, and the rest of the cabal of doom would be in jail where they belong.

Linda McCaughey's avatar

"Release the unredacted Epstein files, you fucking fuck"--Jeff Tiedrich

ROSEMARY SCHLICK's avatar

Jeff doesn't mess around. From our brains to Jeff's mouth. We can always count on him.

John Townsend's avatar

From your keyboard up, up beyond God's earlobes!

Katherine's avatar

Prescient

Annette's avatar

wouldn't it be helpful to have congress in on the plans, but this way we only have tRump and his psychophants to blame . . . and prosecute

Harvey Perry's avatar

The corrupt Trump-packed Supreme Court has invented immunity for his crimes as President out of thin air.

Annette's avatar

let's hope they can undo some of their rulings, especially for the bloated yam

Lee Roscoe's avatar

"Psychophants," nice