204 Comments
User's avatar
Denis Pombriant's avatar

Could we take a cue from this and close the Oval Office for 2 years while we renovate the presidency?

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Fantastic!

Kathy's avatar

At this point, two years without a

president trump or Vance or anyone would be an upgrade.

Liz Schick's avatar

OMG, you’ve done it again. Made me laugh out loud with your headline! And the story. I second Denis Pombriant’s idea of closing the Oval Office for 2 years while we renovate the presidency. Please.

Susan Stone's avatar

While we're renovating the presidency, could we also please get rid of all the gold stuff on the walls of the oval office (and anywhere else, and the gold toilets)?

Annette's avatar

and all the signs indicating which office is where, because tRump thought post-its might give away his mental decline

GingerLee's avatar

brilliant..fumigate first...

Susan Barnes's avatar

Now there’s an idea.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Yes please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😂😂

Beth McClellan's avatar

Now THAT is one good idea!

Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> we'll need at least that much time to fumigate it!

Anne J's avatar

Honestly, I’m just relieved they’re finally addressing the infrastructure. You can’t run a proper global chokepoint without marble armrests. That’s basic governance. Also unclear whether the renovation includes surge pricing for tankers during peak hours or if that’s only for VIP oil.

And I assume there’ll be a ribbon cutting where everyone insists they personally came up with the idea of “water, but narrower.”

It's Come To This's avatar

but what about the toilets? Tell us about the toilets, Andy. Gold-plated, gold chandeliers, porcelain cameos of Trump in every urinal. BIGLY toilets, like nothing anybody's ever seen before.....

Anne J's avatar

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION (to the toilets).

Kathy's avatar
2hEdited

Anytime Trump is involved in renovations or his presidency, toilets come to mind

Sharon P's avatar

and a great deal of sh-t

Skepticat's avatar

Anytime he's involved in ANYTHING.

Judy Tuwaletstiwa's avatar

yes, i have a folder with various images from the web...very funny ones...and the folder is titled "king kakka", a word from the same time as king midas...trump thinks everything he touches turns to gold...and, in fact everything he touches turns to sh_t.

Steve Newman's avatar

The idea of that urinal porcelain relief of T is making my prostate tingle.

Maureen OShanesy's avatar

That’s got to be the first time the thought of T made anyone tingle, anywhere…

J Cheng's avatar

did you mean to say "tinkle"....

Steve Newman's avatar

Nope, I meant it as an illusionary tingle that would eventually lead to a tinkle. So glad we cleared that up. A misunderstanding of that proportion could throw the world off it's axis.

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh>

ABuckley's avatar

Hmmm....No...

Glenn Sills's avatar

Forget gold plated toilets, why not go all the way with platinum coated toilets? Now that I think about it why isn't Trump's White House equipped with them. The radiation will make Trump go faster, in more ways than one.

Annette's avatar

someone needs to plant that idea in what's left of his swiss cheese brain

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

As a sailor, I have to hope that they make them the best and most wonderful holding tank toilets ever made in the history of earth. So we don’t pollute the hell out of that place that’s already probably polluted.

Searcher76's avatar

And there has to be good water pressure.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. Yes, Andy…please tell us about the gold plated toilets❣️😂😂

Annette's avatar

they may be gold, they may be porcelain, but are they functioning?? Asking for a friend.

Tricia W's avatar
3hEdited

Anne J: It will be a Low Wake Zone. So no Woke shipping permitted.

Frau Katze's avatar

Woke tankers need to go!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Two years to design and create the special "Khameni Rial" the official currency required to pay tolls thru the strait.

J Cheng's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Kathy's avatar

Turns out the strait is crooked, Iran has called in contractors to straighten it.

Deb Borrelli's avatar

Have you heard as to whether Iran will also build a war room underneath the strait? 😉

Kathy's avatar

I haven’t; but I did hear that Trump contacted Iran and suggested a temporary truce, and further bombing wait until after the 2028 election.

Steve Newman's avatar

Isn’t that kind of like bankrupting the casinos because he was out of his league then too and grabbing all those losses against future gains?

Marc Davis's avatar

Crooked? That's the way he likes it!

Jim Mole's avatar

They want to make the strait straight

The Rickster's avatar

Khameni-Peyronie’s Disease.

Kathy's avatar

Peyronie's (pay-roe-NEEZ) disease is a condition in which fibrous scar tissue forms in the deeper tissues under the skin of the penis. This causes curved, painful erections. It also can make the penis shorter while erect.

Lets just rename it GOP’S disease

Annette's avatar

do I see an executive order being written in the near future . . .?

Al Gorythm's avatar

Contingency plans are being developed to transport oil using Pete Hegseth’s hair.

BTAM Master's avatar

If Hegseth goes swimming does his hair get wet? Or is it declared an environmental disaster?

Susan Barnes's avatar

Brylcream a little dab’ll do ya. (You have to be old enough😄)

Al Gorythm's avatar

No more greasy kid stuff!

DeeDeeBee's avatar

Carter's Little Liver Pills to keep his alcohol soaked liver healthy.

ABuckley's avatar

Is that still manufactured?

Folks on my side of town just liked good 'ole Royal Crown.

Meighan Corbett's avatar

Andy, I don't know how you do it but thank you!

Robert E.'s avatar

I envision a giant statue of Trump holding a pull chain for the new Hegseth inspired Commodal Straight of Horbooze.

howard levitt's avatar

And a giant arch spanning the strait

Jim Mole's avatar

A giant golden arch - or TWO!

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Oh God, don’t give him any ideas.

Sharon P's avatar

not a new idea he ALWAYS has food in the area the brain should be

Annette's avatar

the golden arch de tRump

Stephen Wunderlich's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

God bless you.👍🙏😊

Al Gorythm's avatar

He’s done gone and swamped the drain again.

This looks like a job that Markwayne Mullin is actually qualified for.

Kathy's avatar

I read that Trump referred the Mario brothers- Mario and Luigi- to work on the strait’s plumbing issue

James R Winston's avatar

And the Pope agreed to bless it.

Jim Dygert's avatar

“If there is a large enough parcel of land available after the renovations we plan to build a golf course on it…and it will be like no other golf course in the world “…

Jim Dygert's avatar

Absolutely! Only the best!

Kathy's avatar
2hEdited

How about a landing strip?Trump can offer to pay for it with Americans’ tax-payer $

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Happy Monday Andy ! Brilliant and hilarious start to another week of Trump madness! 😂I hope the Ayatollah does not have the same luck as Trump and his renovations! Of course marble, gold and self promotion will definitely do the trick ! Thanks! 😂💕

Henry Cohen's avatar

I hope that the toll booth, in addition to having marble armrests, will be gold plated.

Mary Kellogg's avatar

I'm actually concerned about the well-being of any employee who has to sit in the marble-arm-rested toll booth seat. It's difficult to imagine a light-weight comfy-cushioned seat being up to the demands of the marble armrests. Has anyone considered how long a toll collector can sit on such a seat before the screams of his nerves override his ability to calculate the tolls.

Please note: I'm concerned about EMPLOYEE well-being here: the boss is free to make his own rules and change them whenever his bum gets numb.

Penelope Guyton's avatar

So funny Andy - and great comments everyone. There's almost nothing left to say except something about a gold-plated toilet and I'm hovering over that one!

Lorenzo's avatar

Obviously, the Iranians have had a master class in how to get things done.

John  (NJ-VT)'s avatar

“The golden pilers were spectacular!” Family of sixteen, eating cheese sandwiches and drinking sea water going through the Strait with their 16 foot row boat.

Glen Van veghel's avatar

Uh-oh. I see a big gold ballroom coming to the Straits.