217 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

In other news…

For those who may be wondering how the U.S. could get thrashed by Belgium in the World Cup tournament, consider this:

On February 11, 1990, a 40-1 underdog named Buster Douglas defeated the heavyweight champion of the world, Mike Tyson, in one of the biggest upsets in sports history.

What do these two defeats have in common?

Sitting ringside during Tyson’s humiliation was his biggest supporter, Donald Trump.

Shannon Kincaid's avatar

F 💩🤡! I'm SO glad Belgium beat us!

BTAM Master's avatar

As an American, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am so glad and totally relieved we got creamed by Belgium. I feel bad for the players, but after what Trump did, we deserved it.

It was the only fair solution. The games can (somewhat) continue without the taint

Gjay15's avatar

I have similar feelings about the “ war” with Iran.

BTAM Master's avatar

Some of us were rooting for Iran because we knew a win would piss off Trump. Alas, they didn't, but they left gentlemanly notes in the locker room. If there is justice, Trump will be forced to read those notes aloud.

Annette's avatar

Absolutely! It was uncomfortable rooting for Belgium, but after tRump's intervention, I had a feeling the universe would work things out the way it was meant to be.

Joseph T. Babcock's avatar

I feel exactly the same way.

Shannon Kincaid's avatar

Wholeheartedly agree with you.

Michael Richmond's avatar

Regardless of the gross impropriety of what Trump and FIFA did, the fact remains that the red card was total BS (as was another red card given to the Brits in their match). The refs have been either very poor or very corrupt.

BTAM Master's avatar

Whether the call was BS is unrelated: Trump's interference - and brazenly bragging about it - tainted everything.

Back when I was an assistant coach of 4th grade girls soccer, high school kids reffed the games. Once there was an atrocious call; all the girls went screaming to the coach who said: "You don't argue with the refs. Good call or not, you don't argue with the refs. Finish the game."

Michael Richmond's avatar

You're correct. However, my point was that the furor caused by Trump's interference masks another very serious problem. These refs need to be sanctioned themselves for atrocious (and perhaps politically motivated -- witness the yellow card given to Kane in a later match) calls. These calls have no place in the World Cup.

Roger Fradenburgh's avatar

Maybe so, but it's a matter for FIFA to deal with. Donald Trump had no business sticking his snotty nose into it.

Roger Fradenburgh's avatar

I noted elsewhere on Planet Substack that if Folarin Balogun didn't happen to be a highly skilled soccer player, he'd already be in ICE detention, if not a Salvadoran prison, birthright citizenship be damned.

Annette's avatar

ETTD (everything tRump touches dies) syndrome

J Cheng's avatar

It's totally American to praise the winning team - good sportsmanship etc. And equally American to denounce the Orange Turd that stirred things up!

Stephen Brady's avatar

And Noem's new 'job' is nothing but a sop to keep her from writing a tell-all while tRump's second term plays out.

Catt woman's avatar

Noem has taken a position with a mining company in British Columbia also. The owner is an American crony of DJT, if I’m remembering correctly. It probably has a connection to the attempts to get Alberta to secede from Canada. Whatever the reason, we can be assured it’s not ethical but it is self-serving.

Debbie's avatar

How can she be allowed to do that and be paid by our tax dollars!

DebbieM (OH)'s avatar

How are any of them allowed to do what they do???

Bill Morgan's avatar

So glad I don't have to see her face anymore. Perfect ambassador to Uzbekistan

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

Would love to watch her try to point out any of these countries on an unlabeled map.

Gotcha!

Stephen Brady's avatar

Another Profile in Ignorance!

Jean Jacoby's avatar

Trump's actions actually embarrassed rather than helped the US soccer team, but yeah, GO BELGIUM!

misia.d's avatar
1hEdited

The Team themselves could have had him sit out and not lap up the grift. That would have earned respect in many camps.

Jean Jacoby's avatar

For all we know he may have offered to do that, but was overruled. It was a no-win for the US team, no matter what they did.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Brilliant update as always Andy ! 😂Personally I couldn’t care less! I thought she rode off into the sunset with purse, blankie and Rolex ! ( sans Corey ! 😉) But I hope you have updated Cookie and Mousse so they can reassure their puppy friends ! The dogs of America certainly want to know ! 😂😂❤️

Annette's avatar

yes, Pradnya, I hope America's dogs can sleep more peacefully tonight, knowing they won't meet the same fate as Cricket.

Marc Panaye's avatar

Belgian here.

As the saying goes.... "everything drump touches dies".... drump touched the US football team so my country, the "hellhole" Belgium, won.

I feel sorry for the US fans but I'm very glad drump got another plate of algae for breakfast.

Punkette's avatar

I was so impressed by your team, Marc. They played brilliantly. Congratulations on a well-deserved win! Rooting for Belgium going forward! 🇧🇪

Annette's avatar

thank you, Marc - I hope the horrible orange man enjoyed his algae and waffles for breakfast :)

Lourdes Brown's avatar

Everything Trump touches dies. He's like a bad luck charm. Look at what happened to the Knicks when he attended the game! He should have kept his trap shut and his hands off.

DeeDeeBee's avatar

Lourdes -- The LAST things he'd ever do is keep his trap shut and his hands off. Not his M.O.

Carla Spackler's avatar

Don’t forget the Olympic Men’s Hockey Championship. He and Drunk Kash on the Dollar tainted the whole victory and damaged several reputations.

Doris Buchmann's avatar

Drump needs his Walnut cracked for real!

misia.d's avatar

The American team already lost when an actual supposed World leader butted in.

Angie Longenecker's avatar

Everything he touches turns to shit.

Joe C's avatar

I'm just wondering if the US players felt just a little dirty after Trump tried to rig the game. Could this be why they lost 4-1?

Annette's avatar

I do feel bad for the American team; this is their life and they worked hard. Sadly, living in America these days is not without risks.

L B Rose's avatar

It all makes perfect sense! Once King Con puts his weight behind something, the scale breaks and everyone loses! Thanks for adding this nugget of history to our collection as our country rushes to its journey into the garbage disposal of idiocracy...

Kathy Lee Davis's avatar

I think that the Good Lord is trying to tell us something. . .everything (you know who I am talking about with out saying his name) everything he gets close to turns out bad. And let's look at the weather - bad storms on July 4th! The record breaking heat makes me think that we may be getting turned over to the devil. Wake up Republicans!!

Diane Doyle's avatar

Buster Douglas' victory over Mike Tyson was an early indication of whatever Trump supports turns to crap. Should have been fair warning.

(We should convince DJT to root for my least favorite hockey team and then that would fix that team so good they'd become bad.)

Annette's avatar

I believe Andy had a recent post about tRump's race horse too . . . how many more animals have to die??!!

Sandra Nicht's avatar

this classic live album begins with an appropriate banger:

https://youtu.be/Is_UwhTJm7o?si=IE3LDIiZKjOC3w7z

Jonathan Aborn's avatar

Trump is responsible for the US loss. Full stop. You don’t throw that kind of bad karma into the mix without subtly unsettling the focus of the team. They would have done better without their star player, a challenge they would have rallied around. Trump is such a fucking asshole. How did we get here?

Annette's avatar

Mitch McConnell . . . by the way, where/how is he?

Deb Borrelli's avatar

It was rigged, I tell ya! I’m surprised Trump didn’t publicly denounce Mike Pence for not going on the field and telling the ref to reject Belgium’s goals!

Kathleen Rose's avatar

ETTD – Everything tRump Touches Dies

Suzi Harkey's avatar

I think the world competitors were thrilled over the loss, just because Trump interfered. Can’t say I blame them for it, either.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Suddenly, we were all Belgium fans.

Deborah Kandziolka's avatar

Sad for US Team. However, if the U.S. had won, we would have had to listen to Trump brag that he was the reason the U.S. won. Thank you Belgium for saving us from that fate.

Jean Jacoby's avatar

Right? And I don't even watch soccer.

Irna Gadd's avatar

I certainly was.

Annette's avatar

yup - and deservedly so!

matclone's avatar

We might have gracefully bowed out of the World Cup but, no, someone had to stick his ass into matters where it didn't belong.

Joanne Elizabeth Schulze's avatar

I'm sure President Zelensky and Brad Raffensperger had nightmares over this one, but glad to be left out.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

FIFA’s Prince of Peace strikes again!

Marie Gravelle's avatar

Noem is now performing another B.S. job suitable for her grifting:

Since June: Canadian copper mining company NovaRed Mining announced it had hired Kristi Noem as their new face for corporate dealings.

We Canadians have protested this hire vociferously!

Andy Borowitz's avatar

I saw this!

Jean Jacoby's avatar

Just keep your puppies inside, whatever you do.

Annette's avatar

although I'd like to see a Krusti Gnome / Canadian Moose match-up

Angie Longenecker's avatar

She has yet another new “face”?!

Bill Morgan's avatar

Corporate corruption

Patricia Dempsey's avatar

I thought she was on Trump's recently created Board of Peace... Did I misunderstand something?

Ray Sturm's avatar

Unbelievable. Where do all these nutjobs come from? I hope many people were able to watch Rachel Maddow's 250th special the other night. It was fantastic. Her usual shredding of Trump was masterful and precise. Depressing, yes. Funny? Yes. Hopeful? Yes. We all have a job to do before our country falls like the Roman Empire imploded. Vote out any Republican and PRAY!

Ninah's avatar

Where did the nut jobs come from? Teflon said he’d drain the swamp. What he didn’t tell us is that he planned on taking everything in the swamp and put them In His Cabinet.

misia.d's avatar

Hysterical 🚀 !

The Rickster's avatar

…a cabinet of tchotchkes. Thanks for the inspiration, AB.

DeeDeeBee's avatar

And, he created a brand new swamp. Gawd helpuz awl...

Annette's avatar

he wanted to drain the swamp, but he only "succeeded" in adding a cesspool.

Susan Iwanisziw's avatar

If you want some fun, read Andy’s Profiles in Ignorance—too funny to read if you want to go to sleep and too erudite about the well of ignorance in the Republican Party to put down.

C. Killion's avatar

Another example of 3T syndrome: Toxic Trump Touch.

WENDL Kornfeld's avatar

Soon he'll be saying Balogun would've won the game if they'd let him use his hands -- totally unfair!

Irna Gadd's avatar

👏👏👏🤣🤣🤣

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Only Trump could spoil the USMNT’s last game as only he can.

Kathy's avatar

Every single person in the Trump administration is simultaneously a liar, a fool, unqualified, and a crook. Many are bigots. And that is why we lost the respect of intelligent people around the world. Chaos reigns, but it doesn’t work, never will. Mad man Trump.

Elaine Young's avatar

Don't forget his family. Release the Trump-Epstein files!

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Kristi needs to be ordered to wear a Cartier jewel encrusted ankle monitor and matching nose ring so that wild & domestic horses can be protected from further carnage.

It's Come To This's avatar

Turns out that "giant sucking sound" you hear isn't Ross Perot's bugaboo about jobs going to Mexico but the sonic boom created by the lips of Pete Kegsbreath and Kristi Noem vacuum-clamped together over Donald Trump's ginormous ass.

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Will be difficult to shake this jarring image from my frontal hate lobe.

Annette's avatar

omg, thank you for that auditory ear worm . . . now I have to go wash out my inner ears! lol

Doris Buchmann's avatar

LOL, LOL! Thanks for that picture!

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh> . . . label them "Cartierr" and make them cubic zirconia.

Hugh Abramson's avatar

Trump probably bet on Belgium.

Annette's avatar

that would be interesting to research!

Jay F's avatar

Kristi who?

Dan Starr's avatar

Never noticed that Crispy Gnome’s little suck-up to Orange Nero gives him a bigger head than the other four presidents on the mountain.

Somehow seems appropriate… in more than one way!

James Lockard's avatar

Just more and more winning. My head may explode.

AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

Brilliant again

And thanks for updating us on the latest farce.

Excellent sarcasm as usual

Excerpt:

“Geography experts might note that out of those four “South American” countries, only two of them—Ecuador and Argentina—are located in South America.

In a perfect world, our first-ever “Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas – Western Hemisphere” would know which Americas are which.

But maybe that’s too much to ask.

After all, this is the same Kristi who had trouble locating her purse and her travel blankie.

Why should we expect her to know where Costa Rica is?”

Diana's avatar

Didn't Noem misplace her purse in a DC restaurant a while ago? Then she was dumb enough to tell the police that her purse contained $3000 in cash. There aren't too many things a person would need that kind of cash for these days.

Frank D Repp's avatar

I think she has a rectal-cranium inversion.

Catt woman's avatar

There’s a corrective surgery for that. It’s called a craniorectoscopy. The doctor installs a window in the patient’s abdomen so he can see where he’s going.

Susan Iwanisziw's avatar

I found this comment totally hilarious. Thanks!

Annette's avatar

<snort laughs> to Frank and Catt