The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report

Kristi Noem Keeps Losing Things

An investigation.

Andy Borowitz's avatar
Andy Borowitz
Feb 18, 2026
∙ Paid
Michael Gonzalez/Getty Images

Should the person in charge of homeland security be able to secure her own belongings?

I only ask because our DHS secretary, Kristi Noem, keeps losing stuff.

This disturbing pattern first emerged last April, when Noem’s Gucci bag was stolen out from under her chair while she was dining at Capital Burger in Washington, DC. In a…

This post is for paid subscribers

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in
© 2026 Andy Borowitz · Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start your SubstackGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture