371 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Prediction: if she loses her job, the next thing she loses will be Corey Lewandowski.

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

If she doesn’t lose her job soon, I am going to lose my mind.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Please hang on to your precious mind! 😉We need every sane person in America to get us through this! 😂

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy, The ideal scenario would be for Noem to lose her job and keep the creep Lewandowski ! Those two definitely deserve each other 😉! The Rolex hasn’t been “lost” yet ! Thanks for the laughter and sanity this morning! You’re the best ! 😂💕

Andy Borowitz's avatar

The Rolex is mandatory for photo-ops with CECOT prisoners

Al Gorythm's avatar

The next time Noem goes to CECOT, the photo ops will be for her 50 first dates.

Annette's avatar
5hEdited

<snicker> make it 80 dates, that will clear out one cell

D ODonnell's avatar

Ouch!

But does she have enough clean white boxer shorts or Jockeys?

Al Gorythm's avatar

It won’t be a consideration at that particular correctional facility.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😂Oops! I be forgetting!

Eileen's avatar

At first, I read your comment as, “the Botox hasn’t been lost yet”

Jane's avatar

Soon her face will begin sagging ....

Annette's avatar

then she'll need to use an ICE mask

CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

Or slide off, like in South Park.

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

Personally, I think the entire cabinet and camp followers are abusing drugs.

Ketamine, adderall, cocaine, amphetamines, and whatever else they can ingest to pump up their egos and ignore any signs of their own mental decline.

Trump and his henchmen must be getting close to pickled by now since they never had many brain cells to begin with.

Betty Booker's avatar

Maybe someone needs to investigate leg scars from drug use as a possible reason for wearing jeans.

Kathy Lee Davis's avatar

Andy does keep us sane, doesn't he - I wish there were a LOVE icon we could choose

D ODonnell's avatar

🩷👍🏼😊

Cynthia Wrinkle's avatar

I agree: keep the creep so the two of them rot in the hell there must be just for them. She must have been distracted mentally counting how many people she is responsible for incarcerating, killing.

Irna Gadd's avatar

Why she would want him in the first place is beyond me, but then, she’s Kristi Noem, so …

Also, she tolerated the loss of a Gucci bag, $3K in cash (!), keys, a badge, but it was the loss of her special blankee that she melted down over. Talk about snowflakes!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Unknown to the public that blanket was steeped in the tears of detainees, and thus especially precious to Kristi.

Roland Saeger's avatar

Detainees and their small children. Really owning the libs there.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

what does this mean?

Roland Saeger's avatar

I assume you refer to "owning the libs". This is a belief that the outrageous, harmful behavior of the Right is justified primarily because it angers and offends liberals. The political version of cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

Thank you-I get that. I guess the part that bugs me as that our patchwork quilt of alliances feels dismissed when WE call ourselves the "libs" even when we're trying to see things from "their" perspective. However, they do continually shoot themselves in the foot (just heard now the FDA is reversing their stop order on MRNA based flu shots-Taco again).

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

More like that blanket is steeped in Kristi’s and Corey’ DNA and the pilot didn’t have a hazmat suit!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Now that sounds quite likely, as well as very...icky

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Very skiiivy, like the two of them!

Italien's avatar
3hEdited

I don’t get it. I’m sure she can find the identical blanket on EBay! The biggest fencing site in the world! Unless there was 1) something on it she wanted to preserve.on it🤔or 2) the thing had pockets that she left her’s and “Snuggles” Lewandowski’s drug paraphernalia in..I’m leaning toward 2 because of her extreme tantrum…worse than the usual..😏

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Frankie Avalon said it all: “And they called it puppy love …”

Mike Sabes's avatar

Maybe she has a Teddy Bear to keep her company . She never grew past pre-teen in her mind.

Barbara Vasile's avatar

I also thought it was funny when Noem had to rehire the pilot because there was no one else to fly the plane. I’ll bet it was a bumpy ride home!

Mark Lip's avatar

Bummer that ejection seat on private planes only exist in the movies.

Barbara Vasile's avatar

Very disappointing!

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Thanks for this reminder. Hilarious, really.

Catherine Schmidt's avatar

Hope she/he did barrel rolls

Concerned Citizen's avatar

I prefer she keep Corey out of New Hampshire! He does not need to return along with the propagandist KKKaroline Leavitt!

Al Keim's avatar

As a former resident of the new Hampshire that particular fact hadn't escaped my notice either.

Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

A bold but most likely accurate prediction. It is like a television series and you would say this would never happen in real life. I am still on the "Meth, we are on it" as a supposedly serious anti-drug slogan.....Hillary was prescient with her basket of deplorables. Thanks Andy for helping to make the unbearable a little more bearable.

Annette's avatar

I love the "Meth, we are on it" slogan . . . did NO one read that out loud at least once, before they approved the campaign? No one?

Mark Lip's avatar

If anyone had questioned the slogan the answer probably would have been: we'll get right on it.

Autumn Mich's avatar

Cheap, soulless and ignorant. Not a good way to go through life. No wonder Lewandowski finds her appealing

J Cheng's avatar

Quick, shackle Noem to Lewandowski so he can take her with him when he's "disappeared."

Stephen Brady's avatar

Whatever will they do when the inevitable happens... Surely their cuckolded spouses don't want them back... Oh, what a world, what a world...

Peter Shaw's avatar

Corey has been seen wearing his customized bulletproof facemask when in Kristi’s presence. “I can’t be too careless” he said.

Jay F's avatar

Which is really a large gain.

Albert DeFabritus's avatar

Andy if she’s fired and they give the job to Lewandowski, he’ll get fired right away just like his last job. They’re both POSs. Die! To them. Her lips are so phony. She deserves to be put in an ICE prison.

Merrill's avatar

Hey Andy,

You forgot to add "she's lost her mind" to the list. (Interestingly, as I typed this comment, spell check wanted to change the word "list" to "lust"..(Perhaps.AI is more infirmed than we think)

Annette's avatar

maybe Corey can latch on to Pam Blondie, or KaroLIE Leavitt then

Marmo's avatar

Andy: That's for sure.

Glenn Sills's avatar

As Stephen Colbert said "Corey better not do it doggy style".

CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

Colbert has been on a roll lately! Love it!!

Al Gorythm's avatar

As a matter of national security, I understand why both Kristi and Corey were very upset about the bodily fluids on their blanket possibly falling into the wrong hands.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

We’re all conspiracy theorists now.

Al Gorythm's avatar

Conspiring minds want to know!

nacreplus2's avatar

The unfortunate thing is that what the Trump-Epstein gang is doing is so beyond unhinged that we are usually right.

Annette's avatar

Yay! Another item to check off on my bucket list!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Hang on there, Annette. I have a theory that you don’t have a theory at all! In fact, I have evidence that you and your merry little band gather in dark sailors’ dives down at the wharves and *coordinate* your nefarious non-theorizing!

Lady, i’m calling you out. You can’t just *call* yourself a conspiracy theorist and then *coast* on the honest labor of those of us who conspire assiduously to identify those who conspire … assiduously … wait a sec, it made sense yesterday … Can I get back to you on this? Meanwhile, have a nice day …

It's Come To This's avatar

She didn't lose it. Those damn libwuhl domestic tewwowists stole her pwecious blankie! They HATE Amewika, you know....

Maggie Dunbar's avatar

If she had been a-woke, maybe she would have remembered her blankee.

Robert E.'s avatar

See: The Monica Lewinsky apparel ransom.

Al Gorythm's avatar

From the come as you are collection.

Steve Newman's avatar

& museum soon to come.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

please stop using her name (ML) in this way.

Suzanne's avatar

Quite insightful! I hope the fired pilot put it un a biohazard bag and transferred it to a covert site for later use in court.

Howardsp's avatar

My thought exactly!

Marilyn Jackson's avatar

Eeeewwwwwww! 🤢

Marc Panaye's avatar

Noem also lost her own face, own cheeks and own hair some time ago.

And do not get me started on that lost soul.

L B Rose's avatar

I really think someone needs to put her out of her misery.

Catharine Farkas's avatar

No, she needs to be put out of OUR misery, tried for crimes against humanity and tossed in prison. Since she is so fond of CECOT, would that work? I agree it is too inhumane and I would allow her to stay in an American prison if all the people illegally detained there were returned as well as all the people sent to third countries....

Susan Stone's avatar

I wrote my answer before I saw yours. Great minds think alike!

Susan Stone's avatar

Her misery?? Someone should put her out of OUR misery! IMO.

Susie's avatar

I said the same in my restack. The soul was the first to go. 🙄🙄🙄

Diane Doyle's avatar

She lost one more thing yesterday -- her main spokesperson at DHS, Tricia McLaughlin, has announced that she is leaving that agency.

Lisa D. Jones's avatar

Can someone explain why her lectern needs camouflage?

Marc Panaye's avatar

To hide from "Aunty Fa"?

matclone's avatar
6hEdited

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with props.

Brenda Reiss's avatar

Matches her outfit. Soon she will have a podium designer to coordinate what she's wearing

Annette's avatar

because she wants to one-up Sarah F***abee Sander's custom podium

Susan Stone's avatar

Genius, Annette, absolutely genius, re the AR governor. She should legally change her name.

Lee Hodo's avatar

It’s Barbie Camu!

Henry Cohen's avatar

Moments later, she rehired the pilot because no one else was available to fly them home. https://newrepublic.com/post/206562/kristi-noem-fired-rehired-pilot-blanket

Andy Borowitz's avatar

I apologize for omitting that humiliating detail. I was aware of it but felt that Kristi had suffered enough.

Henry Cohen's avatar

It is impossible for a puppy killer to suffer enough.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

After they told the fired pilot to find a commercial flight home. Hopefully they hit a lot of mysteriously unexpected turbulence on the return flight.

Golden Rule's avatar

Wow in reading that story I also learned that Russell Vought is spending $50,000 of the $ he took away from USAID to hire security for himself. The disgusting behavior of this entire regime is just callous beyond words.

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

Out on the range, where Dakota folk roam,

They’re a wandering bunch who don’t stay close to home;

And they don’t waste their breath on some gossipy prattle,

When they say “Kristi Noem is

All hat and no cattle”.

A magnificent Stetson and a badge that’s metallic

Won’t boost your IQ if you’re

Microcephalic.

Susan Stone's avatar

Priceless!! Thank you for a really good laugh. It was the "microcephalic" that did me in.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

The ONLY reason the Kowboy Puppy Killer cared so much about that blanket: the semen. No telling whose is on it besides Lewandowski's. I see Al Gorythm has already stated this, but I think it bears repeating endlessly.

Brenda Reiss's avatar

Are you applying for the job of Andy's sub? You are too funny

Al Gorythm's avatar

Thanks for the compliment but I’m just a reply guy!

Al Keim's avatar

Lewandowski and Lewinsky what a remarkable coincidence. In this age of Epstein it all comes down to sementics.

Susan E Keezer's avatar

Very well done, again, Al!

Al Gorythm's avatar

If it wasn’t for electile dysfunction, this administration wouldn’t function at all.

Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

🤣😹🤣😹🤣

Double-A's avatar

Kowboy K9 Killer?

Jay F's avatar

I hear she also lost her mouthpiece, Tricia McGlaughlin, AKA Charlie McCarthy’s evil twin.

ISOequanimity's avatar

When this regime ends, I hope she is subjected to an independent psychiatric evaluation. In adults, animal cruelty can be associated with psychopathology. The same day she shot puppy Cricket, she also killed their goat because it “chased children, butted them, and smelled bad.” Stephen Colbert deadpanned…”speaking for everybody who’s ever been around goats…if those traits meet the legal definition of ‘dangerous, a threat, or injurious to life, limb, or property,’ killing any goat would always be legally justified.” SD law permits killing a dog who goes after livestock but there’s no defense for shooting a smelly goat. https://southdakotasearchlight.com/2024/05/02/noems-dog-killing-was-bad-but-consider-the-goat/. https://sdlegislature.gov/Statutes/40-1-1.

Catherine Alvarez's avatar

She’s a serial killer . Started with small animals and has advanced to humans .

ISOequanimity's avatar

Stephen Colbert’s observation that “killing any goat would always be legally justified” seems prescient.

nacreplus2's avatar

Absolutely! Well said!

Sherie Knight's avatar

To be fair, she was rightfully anxious about securing the return of both the bag and blanket. Mike Johnson’s balls were rolling around in the bottom of that Gucci; and Corey will just not settle until he’s been breastfed and then swaddled in that special blanky.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Corey’s song:

I’m too young and you’re too old

This, my darling, I’ve been told

But forever and a day

You and I will always stay

Like two birds up in a tree

Oh my darling, can’t you see?

Oh please, stay by me

Kristi!

Richard's avatar

She is a bitch who is unhinged and very dangerous. Yeah, she and Cory fired the pilot and then rehired the pilot because they had no way to fly back home. If I was that pilot. I would have said: fuck off, the both of you can find your own way home.

Chris Edwards's avatar

I agree with you that he should have told them to fuck off. He also could have flown them down to CECOT and dropped them off. A grateful nation would have owed him our eternal thanks.

Sharon P's avatar

If I were the pilot i would have gotten aboard with one parachute

Ralph Porter's avatar

Kristi Noem also lost her dignity when she accepted the job. I can’t imagine any prison in this country that would accept Pam Bondi.

Marc Panaye's avatar

Noem has shot dignity in the gravel pit a long time before she joined drump's gang.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Did she ever have dignity? This is the governor who installed a TV studio in the statehouse basement for frequent appearances on Fox News, made lavish upgrades to the governor’s mansion, put out “METH-We’re On It!”, suggesting Trump should be added to Mt Rushmore and suffers from MFDS-Mar A Lago Face Disfigurement Syndrome!

Brenda Reiss's avatar

She never had dignity only her shotgun

Walter David Luce's avatar

Pam Bondi. Is it just me or does any one else see the resemblance between Bondi, in the picture shown, and a piranha? I mean take a look -- sunken eyes, nasty mouth and teeth, desperate need for some face work around the eyes to make them less sunken. If eyes are, indeed, the window to the soul, lil Pammy is in deep juju. Wouldn't it be a great Super Bowl halftime show to have a mud wrestling event between Bondi and Noem. In fact, a Bondi/Noem match could BE the main event with the football game the half time show. I guess that "ugly is as ugly does" is alive and well with Bondi. Attorney General sure as hell is not the job for her.

BTAM Master's avatar

I just lost my breakfast on that image. Thanks a lot. (FYI I'm a guy)

Paul's avatar

That's OK, her boss has been "looking for 11,780 votes" in Georgia for years.

Lorenzo's avatar

Being a loser, it makes sense she's losing things.