The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report

Kristi Noem’s Hair Extensions Stolen From Head

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Andy Borowitz
Jul 16, 2025
∙ Paid
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vowing to bring to justice “the monster who did this,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem lashed out Wednesday at the person who stole the hair extensions from her head.

The DHS secretary first noticed that her voluminous tress enhancements had gone missing while she was dining at a Washingt…

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