Good morning! I’m still chuckling over yesterday’s imaginary epitaphs. My inner imp (who has a mind of her own and bursts forth without warning) decided to go with limericks. If there are other inner imps out there, I’d love to see what they come up with. It’s fun!
And for those who wish to try crafting a limerick, I suggest the following guide: Let's assume that you want to end the final line with the word "Trump". For the first 2 lines, go to the internet to find words that rhyme with "Trump" and then make up your sentences. English is loaded with such words; the first letters of the alphabet include "bump" and "dump" and you have many more "ump" rhymes available. Then you have freedom to craft the 2nd and 3rd lines and to end up with "Trump" at the end.
And try to mind the rhythm. One of my favorites is,
what a wonderful deconstruction of how to create a limerick. inspiring. thank you. will spend time today, off and on, exploring words that rhyme with trump...also words that rhyme with schmuck.
"Schmuck"? Good luck with THAT! I need to explain that the diminutive of schmuck is "schmeckel", (Heckle is a possible rhyming word). And it is the destination for surgery for Jewish boys at 8 days of age. It is technically called a "sub-total schmeckectomy"!
I agree. They both fit the design requirements for a true limerick. The first 2 lines must end with words that rhyme with one another. Then the 3rd and 4th lines must also end with words that rhyme with one another (but not with lines 1 and 2). Finally, the last line, which should be a clever punchline, must end with a word that rhymes with the first and second lines. Well done, folks!
Many of the best limericks are sexual - some very sexual. I don't think these are printable in the Times. I recall a "Roger the Lodger" series. (Let's see if this relatively moderate one passes.)
Yes, please Andy, write something about Bashful, (she didn't even look at the survivors) (perhaps she was sexually abused!) Bimbo, Bondi! I'm trying to think of another B word but nothing comes to mind right now!
Greetings and salutations! Just as I'm despairing that we pretty much live in a shit country, the grand jury refuses to indict a bunch of courageous and truly patriotic Americans. It's a lesson to me that one must never give up hope. And then Bad Bunny did his thing, and MAGA freaks out and rages incoherently to no avail since the NFL is just trying to make a buck after all--and that's as American as apple pie and redlining.
So, question: if we citizens see Hegseth belligerent, slurring, disheveled and mascara running down his face, once he passes out, may we make a citizen’s arrest and quietly roll him to the nearest ICE detention facility, ring the bell and leave him there?
You are far more kind and generous than I am, Andy. I don't want to help him. He doesn't deserve help. He needs to be shut away in a place where he is subdued and restrained and powerless. He has ruined too many lives.
Good morning, and thank you for Mark Kelly's PSA on over-serving Kegsbreath. My recommendation was that an alcohol monitor be put on him when he was sworn in. But here we are, blowing up boats in the Caribbean, having a Department of War (for God's sake, nothing says peaceful like a Department of War), and shutting down airspace in El Paso, TX, for ten days, I mean 8 hours. "Nothing to see here, folks, go about your day."
Judge Temporarily Blocks Hegseth from Punishing Kelly for Video
Judge Richard J. Leon found that attempts to discipline Mark Kelly for a video that warned against following illegal orders would violate the senator’s First Amendment rights.
And Duckworth did not cave to Donnie. She gave a resounding NO to this Regime's Secretaries running our country into the ground. She went to the hearings and gave them hell.
Agree with you, in sprit, Tammy. I think Hegseth, like his compatriot Kennedy, have brains that are so damaged by alcohol (and in Kennedy’s case, heroin), that they don’t have enough brain cells existing to lie. Imagine that: an alcoholic in charge of the vast US military, and an HHS secretary wrecking the vast US medical research machine. And then discouraging vaccinations. Now there are close to 1,000 cases of measles in S Carolina. The witch in the (original with Judy Garland) was right: “What a world! What a word!”
I was too. But really, it’s the 1st thing he’s done, since becoming director of CMS, that has true benefit. Do you think his statement will make any difference in immunization rates? With the cuts to Medicaid, many rural areas will see the closure of hospitals, because the majority of their patients are Medicaid. This is a medical catastrophe. “Dr” Oz is in charge of Medicaid, but not one word from him over concern for the people who will lose their hospitals, as well as their Medicaid clinics.
Never saw still beyond mind boggling nothing ever came of this. But it was the beginning of the glaring obviousness that Incompetent in Chief appointed a cabinet of same.
I believe he approved of about 1/3 of Trump's nominations. He opposed many of them, including Hegseth, Bondi, RFKJ and Gabbard, for example. Anyway, it's not about Republicans vs Democrats anymore. It's about Democracy vs Fascism.
I'll take a principled Republican over a Fascist any day.
Bottom line: Kelly’s record shows occasional bipartisan votes but not broad approval of most of Trump’s Cabinet. His yes votes were a minority among Democrats and far from a majority of all nominations.
But disappointed to hear he voted yes on any of them.
We could always drive the warmongering frat boy cosplaying as DOD chief absolutely bonkers by launching bunches and bunches of mylar party balloons wherever Border Patrol, ICE, and the other military folks are messing with civilians. Who's in? DOD is currently at war with he FAA. What could go wrong?!
Well, as the cap I have from Dissent Pins says about the Secret Jewish Space Laser Corps, Mazel Tough! And it would be the adjectival form: goyishe. BTW the JSLC has a Goyem Division if you want to be identified as such. Really: Dissent pins actually has an entire line of JSPC stuff.
I'm imagining Andy, just sitting at a desk or in front of tv -- PBS, MS-NOW, CNN and even Fox (in order to add to stockpile of idiocy.) Dogs at his side....family close by... He won't be there long....he'll suddenly clap his hands together and shout, 'YOWZAH'. Then he'll begin to write what gladdens our hearts.
Good morning, everyone!
Good morning! I’m still chuckling over yesterday’s imaginary epitaphs. My inner imp (who has a mind of her own and bursts forth without warning) decided to go with limericks. If there are other inner imps out there, I’d love to see what they come up with. It’s fun!
It’s a cowardly despot who tries
To lie about each of his lies
Truth and facts are as dim
As those enamored of him
May the decent among us arise!
There once was a man filled with hate
When cruelty was reframed as “great”
But the true art of the con
Was a gut-punch to Don
When St. Peter judged his eternal fate.
2 most excellent limerick. You have a real talent & I mean that sincerely. Perhaps you could launch a limerick substack.
And for those who wish to try crafting a limerick, I suggest the following guide: Let's assume that you want to end the final line with the word "Trump". For the first 2 lines, go to the internet to find words that rhyme with "Trump" and then make up your sentences. English is loaded with such words; the first letters of the alphabet include "bump" and "dump" and you have many more "ump" rhymes available. Then you have freedom to craft the 2nd and 3rd lines and to end up with "Trump" at the end.
And try to mind the rhythm. One of my favorites is,
A wondrous bird is the pelican.
His mouth can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak,
enough food for a week.
I'm damned how the Hell he can.
Sorry. Correction: The last line should read, "I'm damned to know how the Hell he can." in order to maintain the rhythm.
Awesome - thanks for that tip! (I've already become an accidental apprentice with alliteration -- creating limericks may add to the fun!)
I'd recognize that Ogden Nash limerick anywhere. Thanks for reminding me about it.
Don't forget "chump"
what a wonderful deconstruction of how to create a limerick. inspiring. thank you. will spend time today, off and on, exploring words that rhyme with trump...also words that rhyme with schmuck.
"Schmuck"? Good luck with THAT! I need to explain that the diminutive of schmuck is "schmeckel", (Heckle is a possible rhyming word). And it is the destination for surgery for Jewish boys at 8 days of age. It is technically called a "sub-total schmeckectomy"!
I can see why this is a fave - tho the "correction" below makes it perfect!
I agree. They both fit the design requirements for a true limerick. The first 2 lines must end with words that rhyme with one another. Then the 3rd and 4th lines must also end with words that rhyme with one another (but not with lines 1 and 2). Finally, the last line, which should be a clever punchline, must end with a word that rhymes with the first and second lines. Well done, folks!
🙏 Thank you for your kind and generous comments!
I love limericks! Definitely we should do this!
Many of the best limericks are sexual - some very sexual. I don't think these are printable in the Times. I recall a "Roger the Lodger" series. (Let's see if this relatively moderate one passes.)
There once was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came from God.
But it wasn't the Almighty,
Who pulled up her nighty,
It was Roger the Lodger by God.
OK, ISOequanimity, you're inspiring me . . .
On days when I can't take more sorrow, it's
Too much and he's just gone too far, oh it's
Then I scroll through my in-box
Past the crimes of the spin jocks
And seek out a column from Borowitz
🥰 I love it!
Great! Me too.
Oh you clever folks.
Also brilliant.
Well done
🙏
I love these!
How about writing something about Pam Bondi? She made a fool of herself yesterday!
An attorney general named Pam
is really quite the ham.
She speaks off the hoof,
is really a goof.
Wish we could tell her to "scram"!
4th line - is spoiled and aloof ?
Love this! Can’t wait for her to scram!
Thanks!
Gazing at her notes,
Snarling irrelevancies,
Sophomore mean girl.
You have to admire someone who can say "Mr.Trump is
the most transparent president in history" with a straight
face. Not easy.
Just yesterday?
Yes! She testified to Congress and she ignored the Epstein abused women and wouldn’t apologize and look at them! Complete meanness!
Pam Bondi does endeavor
to be oh so clever.
At each meeting
her intelligence is fleeting.
Her stupidity goes on forever!
yes
Did she ever. I am so so eager to hear what Andy has to say about Bimbo Bondi.
Yes, please Andy, write something about Bashful, (she didn't even look at the survivors) (perhaps she was sexually abused!) Bimbo, Bondi! I'm trying to think of another B word but nothing comes to mind right now!
Both of your limericks are fabulous. I've never been able to write limericks, so I admire your talent.
Excellent! I love limericks, but I’m not talented in that direction.
I’ll bet you are talented! Give it a try? Much more fun than haiku, imho.
Superb.
Greetings and salutations! Just as I'm despairing that we pretty much live in a shit country, the grand jury refuses to indict a bunch of courageous and truly patriotic Americans. It's a lesson to me that one must never give up hope. And then Bad Bunny did his thing, and MAGA freaks out and rages incoherently to no avail since the NFL is just trying to make a buck after all--and that's as American as apple pie and redlining.
Love “American as apple pie and redlining!” Took me a minute, but then it hit me. So true.
Cheers Andy ! and Santé! Happy and hilarious start to my day! 😂💕
Love your new tagline: "Independent and Bezos-free" 😁😍
Good morning, Andy!
So, question: if we citizens see Hegseth belligerent, slurring, disheveled and mascara running down his face, once he passes out, may we make a citizen’s arrest and quietly roll him to the nearest ICE detention facility, ring the bell and leave him there?
I love the way you think Wis! I'd be willing to help with the rolling.
--and the trolling!
Usually I wouldn’t mock someone with an alcohol problem, but in this case it is spot on! And he’s gotta go!
He needs help. He does NOT need to run the nation’s largest military.
You are far more kind and generous than I am, Andy. I don't want to help him. He doesn't deserve help. He needs to be shut away in a place where he is subdued and restrained and powerless. He has ruined too many lives.
Amen!
Usually people with alcohol problems aren't appointed (and approved by the Senate!) to such positions of prominence and power, so there is that.
In this case, there is a there there. And it is THAT.
Bezos. Another toxin which should be removed from things we use every day. Like parabens and pfas. Thanks for starting the trend.
Good morning, and thank you for Mark Kelly's PSA on over-serving Kegsbreath. My recommendation was that an alcohol monitor be put on him when he was sworn in. But here we are, blowing up boats in the Caribbean, having a Department of War (for God's sake, nothing says peaceful like a Department of War), and shutting down airspace in El Paso, TX, for ten days, I mean 8 hours. "Nothing to see here, folks, go about your day."
Good morning, Andy! Thank you for the chuckle this morning.
I wish this was true
Apropos, this just in from the NYT:
Judge Temporarily Blocks Hegseth from Punishing Kelly for Video
Judge Richard J. Leon found that attempts to discipline Mark Kelly for a video that warned against following illegal orders would violate the senator’s First Amendment rights.
Andy, thank you so much for helping us laugh at the absurdity!!
And to you, fearless leader!
On target, sir. Just brilliant.
Absolutely hilarious!
GOOD MORNING TO YOU, DEAR ANDY!!!!!! You gladden my heart and maketh my day. I believe I speak for many.
In a world full of Pete Hegseths, be a Mark Kelly.
🙏 Amen! Sen Tammy Duckworth summed it up for me: “Pete Hegseth is a f*cking liar.” https://www.duckworth.senate.gov/news/press-releases/duckworth-pete-hegseth-needs-to-resign-in-disgrace
Pithy!
And Duckworth did not cave to Donnie. She gave a resounding NO to this Regime's Secretaries running our country into the ground. She went to the hearings and gave them hell.
Agree with you, in sprit, Tammy. I think Hegseth, like his compatriot Kennedy, have brains that are so damaged by alcohol (and in Kennedy’s case, heroin), that they don’t have enough brain cells existing to lie. Imagine that: an alcoholic in charge of the vast US military, and an HHS secretary wrecking the vast US medical research machine. And then discouraging vaccinations. Now there are close to 1,000 cases of measles in S Carolina. The witch in the (original with Judy Garland) was right: “What a world! What a word!”
I was astonished when Dr. Oz, of all people, came out in favour of the measles vaccine.
I was too. But really, it’s the 1st thing he’s done, since becoming director of CMS, that has true benefit. Do you think his statement will make any difference in immunization rates? With the cuts to Medicaid, many rural areas will see the closure of hospitals, because the majority of their patients are Medicaid. This is a medical catastrophe. “Dr” Oz is in charge of Medicaid, but not one word from him over concern for the people who will lose their hospitals, as well as their Medicaid clinics.
Too little, too late.
Maybe he'd been eating brain healthy vegetables from his charcuterie board. Keep it up, Mehmet.
i can hardly wait for her to hold a cabinet position in the next presidency. she is amazing.
Never saw still beyond mind boggling nothing ever came of this. But it was the beginning of the glaring obviousness that Incompetent in Chief appointed a cabinet of same.
Nothing ever came of it FOR NOW. Those two words sustain me.
You win the Borowitz peace of work prize.
I’m trying to reply to “in a world of Pete Hegseths, be a Mark Kelly.”
Mark is the Man in 28
That’s what I’m saying! Mark Kelly for President!
Good call. How about Jim Hines?
YES. And Gaby as Secretary of Defense (State would require too much traveling; she needs to be close to home).
You win the Borowitz peace of work prize.
Indeed.
Nah. Kelly approved of most of Donnie's Cabinet,. He is a MAGA DEMOCRAT.
I believe he approved of about 1/3 of Trump's nominations. He opposed many of them, including Hegseth, Bondi, RFKJ and Gabbard, for example. Anyway, it's not about Republicans vs Democrats anymore. It's about Democracy vs Fascism.
I'll take a principled Republican over a Fascist any day.
Well said. There were educated and intelligent Republicans. I'm thinking.....I'm thinking....
Thanks for expressing your glands.
🤣
Bottom line: Kelly’s record shows occasional bipartisan votes but not broad approval of most of Trump’s Cabinet. His yes votes were a minority among Democrats and far from a majority of all nominations.
But disappointed to hear he voted yes on any of them.
Seriously? Giant demerit!
Maybe they can name a drink after Mark Kelly. It would be something Happy Hour Hegseth could try. It is also known as LIQUID COURAGE.
I think bartenders should refuse to serve Whiskey Pete on GP. Good start to the day Andy. Thanks
You must definitely refuse any orders he places from Signal.
😂
In classic cartoons, drunks always hiccuped and their musical motif was “How Dry I Am”. Drunks were unfeelingly portrayed as bums.
Now, they are cabinet members.
Barkeeps:
If Pete Hegseth gets your eye, and he crooks his little pinkie,
And his eyeballs are capsizing
And his breath is really stinky,
Serve him no more ethanol.
Tell him that you’ve made Last Call.
Cause he’s stupid when he’s sober,
Which he seldom is at all.
Drunks in movies, on stage, on TV are funny. Drunks in real life are annoying and boring. They may think the booze makes them wittier. Nope.
Brilliant amigo!
Glenn, Hegseth is stupid all of the time!
But, Susan Kice, when he's drunk there's at least an understandable reason for his stupidity.
Thank you. My laughter may continue on for a few hours.
Atta boy, Andy!
We could always drive the warmongering frat boy cosplaying as DOD chief absolutely bonkers by launching bunches and bunches of mylar party balloons wherever Border Patrol, ICE, and the other military folks are messing with civilians. Who's in? DOD is currently at war with he FAA. What could go wrong?!
Environment says no.
So there are space lasers after all, but they are goyem?
As one of them thar goyem, I resemble that!
Well, as the cap I have from Dissent Pins says about the Secret Jewish Space Laser Corps, Mazel Tough! And it would be the adjectival form: goyishe. BTW the JSLC has a Goyem Division if you want to be identified as such. Really: Dissent pins actually has an entire line of JSPC stuff.
I chuckled out loud when I read this one. I don't know how Andy Borowitz can come up with goodies every day. They are original and brilliant!!!
I'm imagining Andy, just sitting at a desk or in front of tv -- PBS, MS-NOW, CNN and even Fox (in order to add to stockpile of idiocy.) Dogs at his side....family close by... He won't be there long....he'll suddenly clap his hands together and shout, 'YOWZAH'. Then he'll begin to write what gladdens our hearts.
😆🤣😂 Thank you for making this subscriber who's recovering from surgery Lol! As usual, its a great way to begin the day!! ❤️
Get well soon.
Speedy healing, Lucy! Hope the LOL wasn’t painful
Bravo!
Excellent!!! Let the actual men give the fucking orders; Now, please give us your thoughts
on party doll Pam's explosive performance as Karen, the Walmart shopper from Hell at yesterday's 'hearing.'
Her retorts always reminds me of an incredibly sullen, petulant teenager when being reamed out for staying out past her curfew.
It's the same as Ice Ice Barbie's at her hearing. SNL did a parody. I'm rooting for Wierd Al to do a new parody of Vanilla Ice song w her.
Karen the WM shopper from Hell 😂
They all just continue to demonstrate what clown car is too small to accommodate all of them. It's now a Bafoon Bus.
Love 'party doll.'
Another great one, Andy. Thanks!
So funny, and such a great idea! Way to go, Andy!!
"Now thish really ish shedoucheish - er, shedishishish - conshpirishy," cried the Defense Secretary into his glass.
Brilliant, as per yuzh! Morning, Andy!