227 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Every hospital should post a photo of JD at security.

ceekaycee's avatar

AB -

You never disappoint!!!!

Sandra Stoffel's avatar

I love your humor and purchased "Profiles in Ignorance." Can hardly wait to start reading.

Sandra Nicht's avatar

just don't read it all at once, your abs will get so sore!

lyn molstrom's avatar

I've read it...you won't be disappointed.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😂The Grim Reaper or The Angel of Death ! A deterrent to ward off the Evil Eye ! One of your funniest Andy and it’s landed nicely to coincide with the evening Gin & Tonic ! 😉Thanks ! 😂💕

Joseph M Becker's avatar

Vance's photo should be glued to the bottoms of toilet bowls and over the drains of urinals.

That said, it should be mandatory that every sheet of toilet paper show Trump’s sniveling face.

Susan Stone's avatar

Since I refuse to have anything trump in the house, what would someone like me do for toilet paper, if trump's face on it was mandated? I'm sorry, but I've had enough of pedophiles in my life, and refuse to allow one, even in pictures, into my house.

Julius Marold's avatar

Good luck Susan. It's hard to keep them out.

Susan Stone's avatar

I know that all too well, Julius. I guess I'd have to subscribe to a newspaper and hope it's flushable.

Jerr's avatar

You won't like the way that newspaper ink rubs off!!! But guess you got to do what you got to do.

Susan Stone's avatar

Thank you for the heads up. I'm not sure there's a good solution if trump's face is the only choice out there.

Kathy Lee Davis's avatar

TP sounds fitting but not sure I want tRump anywhere near my privates

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Very prudent as we all know how Trump reacts to being in proximity to private parts

John Townsend's avatar

One might suddenly feel an unexpected squeeze!

Jocelyn B's avatar

Sorry. I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to see their faces anymore.

Patty Farrington's avatar

Yes, V.D. Vance, with a warning label about STD's.

John Townsend's avatar

They might give birth to ottomans with his features!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Ottomans with smears of mascara...and who knows what else?

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Oh Gad!! Ottoman puppies with daddy's looks! How absolutely grotesque! Blech blech blech!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Despoiler of divas! Spreading fear and death in his wake!

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

That JD!! Should keep his lacquered lashes to his own damn self -- he flutters here, he flutters there, he flutters every-damn-where... extinguishing flames as he flits by...

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

JD reminds me of one of the

Uber Orcs in Tolkien -a distorted, malignant creature.

Jerr's avatar

Floofie you beat me to it.

John Townsend's avatar

--also on condoms: another effective birth control, yet the Supreme Court just

might rule on that too......

John Townsend's avatar

--along with non-fail facial recognition tech!

Jocelyn B's avatar

Or, well, not. Depending.

Jerr's avatar

Yes, except let him visit some, the country would be better off.

Carol Hatch's avatar

No one, sick or healthy, should be treated to a surprise visit from JD Vance.

Susie's avatar

Damn straight! That’s the very definition of cruel and unusual punishment! 🤣

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

These days it's more like cruel and USUAL punishment in every arena.

Robert E.'s avatar

Your adVANCE is logged out.

Joseph M Becker's avatar

NOR a scheduled visit by JustaDick Vance.

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Nor one from Dr Oz!!! Nor RFK Jr, heaven forfend!

Joseph M Becker's avatar

My written communications are not known for brevity; this one is no exception.

‘Yenta’ is the name of my personal search engine. :-)

In a former lifetime, Dr. Ooze was a highly respected cardiothoracic surgeon.

However, I am not certain he has sunk even lower than Dr. Andy Weill, who was three years ahead of me at Central High School [CHS] in Philadelphia. I do not know if a photograph of Weill still hangs on the Hall of Fame wall, but the one of Bill Cosby has long-since been removed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_High_School_(Philadelphia)

Many of the graduates are awarded an A.B. degree. As recently as 100-or-so

years ago, that A.B. would qualify a student to go directly to doctor-school or

lawyer-school.

The ‘head of school’ is its President, rather than Principal

https://www.abebooks.com/first-edition/School-Republic-1893-1943-half-century-Central/32387213375/bd

A cover story of The Atlantic displayed a photo of RFK, Jr. with rosary beads [?], labeling him as ‘The Most Important Man in Science’. That was a joke played by one of their digital staff, who didn’t think ‘The Worst POS Against Science’ would sit well with MAGA. [My bad: MAGA either can’t read or refuse to do so. Trump refuses to read the daily security and other guv’mint docs brought to him each AM, assuming he gets his fat tuchas out of bed before noon. Everything has to be bullet points or/and graphic.]

A few glimpses into the sordid life of RFK, Jr.:

1) The Mass Killer of Samoa:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/newly-obtained-emails-undermine-rfk-jr-s-testimony-about-2019-samoa-trip-before-measles-outbreak

2) The Saga of Beheading a Whale with a Chain-saw. used years later by Elon Musk

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/27/us/politics/rfk-jr-whale-head.html

3) The Saga of the Road-kill Bear in Central Park in Manhattan [NY, not KS]

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/04/us/politics/robert-f-kennedy-jr-bear-central-park.html

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

WOWZER! Thanks!!! Fascinating stuff, and much entranced by the sordid life of RFK Jr -- knew about the bear incident, but not the others. Dang, do I have some reading ahead of me!

Lynn Hammonds's avatar

Juvenile Delinquent Vance

Lynn Glaser's avatar

McConnell definitely wins the traitor prize; my god, think of where we'd be now if he'd stood up for the country when called upon... He will go DOWN in history for this.

It's Come To This's avatar

Somewhere I read — he’s been officially diagnosed with rigortortoise….

Ba-dump-BUMP. tsssss!

Kimberly Swanson's avatar

“Rigortortoise”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Made my day.

Susan Stone's avatar

Priceless! Thank you for making me laugh.

Vicki Bruning's avatar

Thanks for this, @It's Come To This, you made my day.

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

That was a wonderful ROTFLMAO! Good thing I vacuumed.

John Townsend's avatar

Yeah, he's just a shell of a man now (insert another rim shot here)!

Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

I think about this so much. Sigh. McConnell, and also Susan Collins. I hope she doesn't sleep at night.

Jerr's avatar

Correct, he wouldn't allow a vote on an Obama Supreme Court Justice, what is hard to understand why McConnell did not help to convict tRump in the Senate, how much did tRump pay him to block the conviction? This country would be in so much better hands right now if Bozo had not been able to run for a 2nd term.

John Townsend's avatar

--and way further down in a much warmer place, if one believes such......

Robert E.'s avatar

Complete with the Donald Trump *assteric.

AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

I sat bolt upright from my outdoor lounge recliner after tending the garden lovelies when I saw your headline pop up!

🤣🤣🤣

“Quislings”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Irna Gadd's avatar

I remember learning about that in high school and thinking it was such a wonderful word to use and couldn’t wait to find an opportunity. It took me quite a while (high school was in the 1960s) and there have been so people to whom this now applies.

AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

I only knew the second meaning

Quisling: A term for a traitor or collaborationist, originating from Vidkun Quisling, the Norwegian military officer who headed a Nazi puppet government during World War II.

➡️Whistling Swan: A common, legitimate biological name for the Tundra Swan (Cygnus columbianus), a North American bird famous for its soft, high-pitched, musical calls.

Lynn Hammonds's avatar

Hopefully Erling Haaland and team somewhat redeems the original quisling.

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Oh no!!! We must not confuse those two! If hunters must hunt, let's send them off to clonk the first group, NOT the later. Personally, I'd not mind if some assorted traitors and collaborators bit the dust, but they may not taste that good after roasting on a spit.

John Townsend's avatar

All the fat drippings would extinguish the fire beneath!

Marilynn Weaver's avatar

Once again Andy gives us a great laugh AND some relevant education which is why I've been reading him for quite some years now! Thanks Andy!

AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

Yes and it’s a perfect combination

Releases some caged fear with a key of laughter and sparks the brain !!!

👏

AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

Forgive me

I took it for the second meaning unaware of the actual Master Q!

Quisling: A term for a traitor or collaborationist, originating from Vidkun Quisling, the Norwegian military officer who headed a Nazi puppet government during World War II.

Whistling Swan: A common, legitimate biological name for the Tundra Swan (Cygnus columbianus), a North American bird famous for its soft, high-pitched, musical calls.

AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

Oh. My. Gosh!

Thanks I think🤣🤣🤣🤣

Lois Helmbold's avatar

Of course McConnell is the worst traitor; he's had many more years to do his dirty work than Miller or Rubio. And JD Vance should terrify everyone. Thanks, Andy. You are a delight.

Linda Shapero's avatar

I don't agree. I still vote for Miller. He's not only a traitor but pure evil.

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

He IS pure evil, and in a position of power to sling it about all over the damn place. But turtle bitch Mitch has been assiduously wreaking sneaky covert evil for decade upon decade (while looking banal and meekly turtle-ish), the substance of which laid the foundation for the carnage we're slogging thru now.

Roger Fradenburgh's avatar

Andy, I admit I'm a bit disappointed at your failure to mention the fact JD showed up carrying a Mark V Mike Lindell pillow, aka, "The Silencer." I know you're under a lot of pressure these days, but we need you at the top of your game. :-)

Andy Borowitz's avatar

How did I miss that?

Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

It's OK Andy. Afterall, it is July, the dogs are getting over the fireworks (I hope they were OK), you are busy coming up with all this wonderful stuff for us to read.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

OMG! You have the kind of imagination I truly like and admire. I admit, I'm just a wee bit jealous. Ive been thinking MY thoughts are getting darker, but you've convinced me they aren't dark enough. KUDOs! WELL DONE!

Italien's avatar

You, Mary, are not alone with dark thoughts. It’s giving into them that we constantly work at..😟

Italien's avatar
3hEdited

That was great. 🤣🤣🤣There’s no better use for a Lindell pillow!!

John Townsend's avatar

--if there be any use at all!

Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Oh, that is a good one. Is dear Mike Lindell in prison? Fighting lawsuits? No, I do not miss him, nor do I care about him.

Geoffrey Brown's avatar

Agreed- he is the reason for the Supreme Court imbalance and for the orange orangutan's presidency

Dennis Simonson's avatar

I had to make sure this was a joke so I called Mitch. I spoke to him for 20 minutes about this. He did not once deny this is a joke.

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Yet another 20-min phone call? Wow, Turtle Bitch Mitch is in fine form considering rigor tortoise has set in.

BTAM Master's avatar

(I've said this before):

I can see the next headline: "Speculation rises on McConnell's health as they bury him in his hometown cemetery."

John Townsend's avatar

Gee, will there be holes in his coffin?

Paul Loeb's avatar

Given the precedent of the Pope, I'd hate for JD to be the last person I saw...

Maria Jette's avatar

Yes…but if he WAS, at least you’d never have to spend another second worrying about what horrible thing he’d say next!

Al Gorythm's avatar

Reports that McConnell had begun to rigor tortoise were greatly exaggerated.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

I've been seeing that rigor tortoise meme everywhere--hats off to the person who came up with it!

Italien's avatar

Al, we’re having what Jagger’s having…wasn’t that youu??😂

Irna Gadd's avatar

This headline is hilarious, Andy. I can just picture it now – McConnell’s eyes bulging just like a frog’s.

Italien's avatar

Or a frightened turtle…😏

Tom Parrett's avatar

This racist from a small state did more damage to our democracy than say Stennis or Thurmond. And how does his notion of "white supremacy" make us a stronger democracy, a better country?

Italien's avatar

It doesn’t. They’re just starting with the WCN shit…Women and color up! DEI! And I suspect, being old and disabled, there’s a “camp” cell with my name on it courtesy of Big Balls…😠

Frances López's avatar

I am also old & disabled as well as brown (Latina). Where will they put me? By the way, Mitch & I chatted on the phone today for 20 minutes & we agreed that having had polio as a child SUCKS.

Italien's avatar

With me and Floofie! I have MS..my former business partner has post polio. It seems very similar. They’ll no doubt consider a walker a weapon, but if need be, maybe we can share one! lol 😂

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Hey, we can start a club and exclude the damned quislings, leaving them out in the cold for their balls, such as they are, to freeze and crack off. It's the little things that bring so much joy. And may I be the first to put my old face to the grubby window pane and stick my thumbs in my ears whilst wriggling my fingers and sticking out my tongue and then saying with unmitigated perverse delight: "Neener, neener, you are a weener!" Ha! And fie on you, you rotten rat bastards!!!

Italien's avatar

I like “fie on you quisling shitweasels!!😤

Frances López's avatar

Yes, I have the dreaded post polio crap. I use a cane, sometimes a rollator. There are times I've wished I could turn the cane into a James Bond-type device that becomes a weapon--turning the tip into a blade by pressing the grip a certain way. Mitch should have used an assistive device to avoid those falls he kept having. Sorry to hear about your MS. Aging with a disability ain't fun.

John Townsend's avatar

Arrange for Miss Moneypenny to have secret weapons installed in those walkers!

Italien's avatar

Would Miss Moneypenny be someone I know, John? I suppose I get someone to stuff the legs of

the thing with brass knuckles, but I can’t fucking hold them!!

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Effin' oy! Vey iz mir!!! I'll be occupying the triple decker bunkbed under yours in the "camp" cell. Please bring chucks (not Converse hightops). (I assume you're being sarcastic re Big Balls... )

Italien's avatar

Floofie!!!! We can share a toothbrush! Chucks and nunchuks!! Big Balls and the DOGE Children of the Corn certainly jacked our info, so I expect we’re all on Pee Wee German’s radar!😠😤

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Thanks for a knee-slapper, Italien! Needed that!!! Nunchucks & toothbrush -- we'll be all set for whatever shitstorm hits. Dang, laughter & tears are so disharmoniously & frequently paired these days, eh? Yup, I too expect we're all on Nazi Poop-For-Brains Schitzenpants hit list. I don't plan to go quietly, but rouse what rabble I can as they cart me away. AARGH!

Italien's avatar

You and me both! Yes, laughter and tears sure coexist! I never ever thought I’d see anything like this shit, but I’m probably on a no-fly list…🫨

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

I've no doubt that Floofie is persona non grata these days, too. Oh effin' well!!! I'm over here sticking out my tongue and whirling about to moon them all. They'll be so traumatized, they'll go blind and have to retire, and righteousness will triumph! HA!!!

Laurel's avatar

Thanks for the big laugh! I've been so concerned about Mitch McConnell . . .

Mary F Englebert's avatar

Somehow I think this is not a sincere comment😂

Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

That he'll recover? Or that he's bit the dust and is still hogging a seat?

GD's avatar

VJ Dance is evidently still refining his bedside manner.

John Townsend's avatar

Nothing refined about Vance!

Susan Kice's avatar

LOL!-nuff said!