Mitch McConnell Trounces Trump on Cognitive Exam

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a brutal defeat for Donald J. Trump, Senator Mitch McConnell handily trounced him on a cognitive test administered to both men on Tuesday.

According to an attending neurologist who spoke on condition of anonymity, “When asked the test questions, Senator McConnell was totally unresponsive, as opposed to President Trump, who got every one wrong.”

Trump took to Truth Social to claim that the cognitive test was “rigged,” ending his rant with a perplexing, “Bamp you for your babention to this butter.”

The loss to McConnell is just Trump’s latest poor result on a cognitive exam, having been soundly thumped last week by a single-celled alga.

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Trump Cognitive Test

Donald J. Trump’s incoherent outbursts, drooping face, and mid-sentence naps have sparked widespread alarm about his steep mental decline.

As a public service, TBR is offering the following cognitive exam to assess Trump’s acuity. For the sake of the nation and the world, we urge him to take it.