238 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Happy Monday, TBRers!

JeffJ's avatar

How come he never asks Lara Trump to sing at these hootenannies?

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

The screeching of banshees would be more in tune than Lara Trump.

It's Come To This's avatar

“The Shillelagh is Yet To Come!”

Jan's avatar

Aren’t they the same thing?

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

No. The rally in 1934 was hitler’s big propaganda speech.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

As I understand it until he commandeered Rubio, she was the sole entertainer and would be doing a medley of her favorite screeches. Trump tried to get Kimberly Gargoyle to return for an encore of her own personal patented screech. She declined due to exhaustion from watching "Jr Grafter" marry a hot young number who knows her place.

JeffJ's avatar

I'd love to hear Kimberly's rendition of "Let It Go".

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh>

David Pramik's avatar

Erika Kirk could open the show with a bigly pyrotechnic stage display! Then into The Karoline Leavitt Dancers performing an interpretative dance to the dulcet tones of Lara Trump’s warbling (pick any hijacked patriotic song here). Then Peter Thiel introducing televangelist Paula White-Cain speaking in tongues, invoking the Antichrist: “Amunda ata rata tebakasandata ambo sotarite akabantaratidi ashata.” It can only go downhill from here…😬

Annette's avatar

<standing ovation>

Anne Fletcher-Jones's avatar

You beat me to it! I couldn’t remember her name though.

Karen Teige's avatar

My suggestion too. She could accompany Marco on the kazoo singing the national anthem with backup dancer, DJT himself.

Jim Dygert's avatar

First person that popped into my mind!

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

Or maybe perform her striptease act? I'm sure she's one of those women who use pole dancing as a "fitness routine".

Annette's avatar

I think we ALL know the reason for that. Although, Eric is always disappointed because he wants to practicing his clogging during her singing.

Anne Fletcher-Jones's avatar

Or better yet, bring back Ron Junior’s ex for a visit, whose name escapes me—she has a loud, penetrating and obnoxious voice.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Thank you Andy for getting my week off to such a musical and merry start! 😂😂Vance blowing his own trumpet 😉, Trump beating his own drum, Kimberly Guilfoyle bawling “ Celebration” all the way from Athens without a mic and of course a section of sad trombones with the rest of the Clown Cabinet! You’ve brought a mischievous sparkle to my day ! 😂💕

Erik Bruun's avatar

Such a perfect illustration of how satire reveals the greater truth!

Eskaveeda's avatar

Thank you for the guffaw!

Hugh Abramson's avatar

From South Pacific, You've got to be Carefully Taught sung by Ron deSantis. Sample lyric: you've got to be taught to be afraid... of people whose skin is a different shade

From the same musical, Younger than Springtime sung by friends of Jeffrey Epstein. You know who you are.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town sung somewhat off key by the Pardoned Patriots of January 6

Finally from the opera I Pagliacci, la comedia est fini by November voters, one can hope.

Wis's avatar

Happy Monday!

The test for Marco will be when he blows the Village People.

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh> Well, it is Pride Month, and tRump has only, so far, jerked off giraffes during Y.M.C.A.

Wis's avatar
34mEdited

There’s a lot riding on Lil Marco and his kazoo. Stephen Miller has warned Marco that he must cheer up the president; trump’s foul mood lately has made everyone around him more miserable than normal and the uptick of rage-related ketchup stains in the Oval Office have started making the room look like a slaughterhouse. If Marco’s rendition of YMCA doesn’t make trump get up on his cankles and do his little repetitive giraffe jerkoff moves, his future will be as an ambassador to CECOT.

Katherine James's avatar

Thanks, Andy! I was so busy just admiring everyone who turned him down I forgot to laughT

Rose Edgar's avatar

Greatest show on earth coming to a cage near you! The hunger games. 😂The cage is all trump will need for his show. Have a great day Andy and thanks for all the humor which helps get us through another day.

Mark Lip's avatar

Pray for rain, complete w/thunder and lightening. Now THAT would be worth watching.

Al Gorythm's avatar

It takes an incredible amount of breath control to blow so hard while sucking so much.

Joanne Elizabeth Schulze's avatar

Rubio's lack of expressions makes me wonder if he breathes.

Irna Gadd's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣this be best, Al!

Kathy's avatar
3hEdited

CBS 60 Minutes reports that the Rubio/Vance competition has left JD in the dust, and he is crushed. He was planning to sing Nessun Dorma (Nobody Sleeps) at Donald’s birthday gala, which really pissed off Trump

It's Come To This's avatar

Was hoping more for Un bel di, Vedremo (“One Fine Day, We’ll See”) from Madame Butterfly, but hey…if it works.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

JD who? I think I've heard that name before, but source eludes me.

marypaz's avatar

JD? I don't know who he is. I never met him.

Dan Starr's avatar

JD Vance, the World’s Greatest Catholic, will sing Trump’s favorite religious song, “Ave Melania.”

Gayle Ray's avatar

"Put your patriotic palms together for Mighty Pete Hegseth Pounding the Drums of War!"

Dan Harris's avatar

Hawaiian War Chant.

Annette's avatar

I've heard Petey has already planned his encore, "Macho Man"

Lucy K.'s avatar
2hEdited

Now that's a funny image!😄 I'm imagining Melania belting out some show tunes, maybe from Evita, (but I don't think her face could move that much. Haha.)

Glenn Sills's avatar

I read this headline to my wife at the breakfast table, as we were both reading news. She asks me "Is that true". She was really asking because Trump is so weird you never know.

I for one believe that Trump is on the take from comics everywhere who are spared the agony of coming up with good material. Trump does it all for them. Only Trump can do this.

John Gregory's avatar

on the other hand, he's made The Onion's business almost impossible...

Ellen Chrestman's avatar

Happy Monday, Andy. You made my morning and you keep me going. Never let up!!

It's Come To This's avatar

Take it away, Little Marco! Show us what you got in those size 13 Florsheims! Bonus points for walking on stage in a Carmen Miranda fruit bowl hat!

Anathema Addams's avatar

My choice for musical acts: an Army service person playing "Taps". The sooner we turn out the lights on this regime, the better.

BTAM Master's avatar

Ongoing negotiations for sleeper band JD Vance and The Couch Cushions

Ray Sturm's avatar

How about Owly Patel doing bird calls? Hoo Hoo! Hoo is the worst president ever? Hoo is the biggest brat? Hoo is the anti-Christ? Hoo is a bigger moron than Hegseth? Hoo boy...the list is endless. Hoo Hoo!

Carole Weintraub's avatar

Thank you for the update.

Love starting the week with a laugh. What a creep.

Diana's avatar

My first thought was that Trump could recruit MAGA supporters to bring their kazoos to Washington for a kazoo chorus. But then I realized many people couldn't afford a kazoo or making the trip. As kids we made "kazoos" with combs wrapped in waxed paper. I thought this was a possibility, until someone just told me how the price of waxed paper is skyrocketing. So, never mind.

Chris Maloy's avatar

Figures he'd be playing a wind instrument, even though there are strings attached.

Danene Baucom's avatar

He could have all of "the boys with those shoes" tap dance!

Steve Newman's avatar

The Proud Boy’s ?