179 Comments
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Andy Borowitz's avatar

In a related note, it’s 7:14 AM and I haven’t gotten a fundraising appeal from Talarico yet today. I hope he’s okay.

Irna Gadd's avatar

Perhaps he’s reading TBR and enjoying today’s edition in particular.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Best case scenario!

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy, I think the ever obliging George Soros should gift a free copy of TBR to every politician! 😉I think it would be a such a wonderful way to use his limitless billions and he would get great good karma! 😂💕

Al Keim's avatar

George is in the news! Like Nixon we get to kick him around again :-)

Irna Gadd's avatar

Talarico is an intelligent, discerning person. Why wouldn’t he be reading your Substack?

Susan Kice's avatar

Need to get the money out of our politics and courts!

Mary F Englebert's avatar

Let's start with getting Ken Paxton out and then build on that victory with getting the money out:-)

Susan Kice's avatar

Respectfully, we can do more than 1 thing at once and we need to start doing so.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

Oh, I totally agree with that statement in 99.9999% of the cases; however, I think we cannot get rid of the money in elections in the short term but we might well do so with Paxton. I was prioritizing to keep that hideous creature from ever winning a Senate seat. Once elected, it's FAR harder to get rid of them.

Sandra Nicht's avatar

Hawaii just made it illegal in their state, Nebraska intends to do the same and we must demand EVERY state do it - Robert Reich has said this would effectively end Citizens United...

Mary F Englebert's avatar

That is the absolute best solution if we can't get a federal one. However, making that happen has to start with electing a majority of state reps who would vote for such a thing. That is unlikely to happen in Texas...for a good while. I want to be clear, I'm not disagreeing with what you say. I'm just pointing out that making it happen will take far longer than preventing the election of Ken Paxton--a possibility that will likely to make it harder to achieve that particular goal. I'm taking a pragmatic approach to politics these days. We have tried doing the "right thing" until people willing to do ANYTHING have managed to make us irrelevant in the halls of power and are doing the WORST. Sometimes you absolutely have to fight fire with fire, and, sadly, it is time to do that. If throwing money into this race brings a loss for Paxton, I have to compromise on my principles. However, I definitely understand the need and desire to stick by yours. I hope your way prevails. I'd like to be proved wrong by that outcome.

Frances López's avatar

Reich needs to explain why he is on record supporting billionaire Tom Steyer for CA Governor. Reich has lost cred with me.

Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

Very funny Andy, hey, I get an email from "Warren for Senate", daily and she is not even running. Speaking of abiding, Talarico is one of the few Texas politicians that I can abide. Back to the appears, the problem is even if you give, they do not stop coming. We were giving a monthly amount to the Democratic Party, but the appeals were still incessant and clueless. So we bagged that to focus on individual races.

Franca Garofalo's avatar

I keep getting stuff from Susan Collins just because I wrote her an angry email.

Annette's avatar

I was thinking of donating to Collins but I just can't decide (LOL)

Dorothy Dortin's avatar

I understand. You must be quite "concerned" about reaching out to her.

misia.d's avatar

Donations breed hope,

for more money too.

Frances López's avatar

I no longer contribute to the Democratic Party from my meager retirement funds. Sometimes I'm not aligned with their choices. Like you, I will contribute now & again to individual races.

Marilyn Jackson's avatar

I recently started getting bombarded with fundraising emails from the great pumpkin. WTF? I'm thinking someone has pranked me.

Pat Hanauer's avatar

I like to put the propaganda in the prepaid reply envelope so they have to pay postage.

Quizzically Bemused's avatar

The send Jerry Falwell a brick campaign in the 80’s eviscerated the direct mail campaigns. Was fortunate enough to use that against other conservative campaigns too. Would be really surprised if anyone does that now, very little solids cost in email, maybe that why internet was developed.

Kathy Lee Davis's avatar

what are "friends" for - lol

Dorothy Dortin's avatar

Ya know, you could write something obnoxiously obscene and scathing then return to sender. I have done that in the past with republican junk mail. It seems to work.

Annette's avatar

to those who send solicitations, and who I would never support in a gajillion years, I like to send "thoughts and prayers"

BTAM Master's avatar

He's doing fine; I've gotten three.

Sara Toye's avatar

He’s fine. I got a couple overnight.

Katy's avatar

but he just needs $5!! Yeah, I get to see him a LOT as well. Good thing I like him.

GingerLee's avatar

the 100+ emails I get every day 80+% is easily begging for money... "the sky is falling" "the r's have millions against me"..I'm so done with this....we are winning without the damn money....

J Cheng's avatar

He's fine. He was seen reading TBR in one of the tunnels to Mexico. He's on his way to get help from Sheinbaum

Al Keim's avatar

It is reminiscent of Arlo Guthrie's 'Alice's Restaurant' when I see 'fifty count 'em fifty' fundraising texts a day.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Be careful about your use of Latin—you might get deported.

BTAM Master's avatar

Dan Quayle might send you to Latin America.

Katherine James's avatar

"My criminal record is as big as the state of Texas". OMG! Hysterical!

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh> LOVE it!

edwin stromberg's avatar

...which is why Trump is thinking about making Paxton an honorary member of the Trump family.

Brian Elvin's avatar

Are you kidding? Paxton will become US Attorney General when Todd Blanche, while plenty loyal , lacks the requisite Toxicity to suit the Emperor. I am surprised given the Hegseth mess, the Department of Justice has not been relabeled the Department of Mandatory Compliance.

Robot Bender's avatar

Is he going to force him to marry Melanoma?

Frances López's avatar

He could be a godfather. Well, in my Latino Catholic family that would be an honorary role for an esteemed male friend or relative. Not sure Protestants do the same. ¡Qué lástima!

Steve Benko's avatar

Talarico responded, "Bless his heart, Jesus loves all his children including him," which is Southern for "Fuck that asshole."

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Bless your heart can have MANY meanings, depending on tone and delivery

Sharon P's avatar

AGREE

The Rickster's avatar

Fortunately for us, TBR’s tone and delivery closely resembles the truth.

Laurel Rutz's avatar

I agree that the Southern conversational patterns have complex “subtext” put-downs understood only by cultural insiders.

Frances López's avatar

My late friend Valerie explained that to me one day. She could deliver poison with a smile. Her mother was from Alabama, her father was a New York Jew. Her sweet sarcasm was wondrous. I do miss that woman.

Irna Gadd's avatar

🤣🤣🤣

Terri's avatar

🏅🤠that’s too funny.

Dorothy Dortin's avatar

Amen brother!

Laurence G's avatar

Good one, Andrew! The American people have a propensity for ignoring candidate's criminal past. Look at Rick Scott from Florida who was guilty of the largest Medicare fraud in the plan's history. MAGAots are truly uninformed people...or just plain stupid and immoral.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Edwin Edwards: “The only way I’ll lose is if I’m caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.”

Mary F Englebert's avatar

I don't think you need to give Ken Paxton any more really horrible ideas to test that hypothesis.

Rosemary Ehle's avatar

This reminded me of "Godfather II" character Nevada Senator Pat Geary who tried to mess around with Michael Corleone.

Annette's avatar

that someone would utter those words is disgusting enough!

Marilyn Gillis's avatar

They are immoral first and foremost, followed by stupid and willfully ignorant.

Frances K. Lockwood's avatar

Especially noticeable when you read those NYT interviews with voters who say they’ve been negatively affected—like higher gas prices tied to the conflict—yet still say they’d vote for him again. Hard to make sense of that. Go figure.

Annette's avatar

maybe they need to take cognitive tests. . . .?

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

You prompt me to wonder -- why ISN'T a criminal history a dealbreaker for many voters?

Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

The real reason Paxton dislikes Talarico is that the latter is unlikely to pursue sexually harassing every female member of staff, since he's a polite and upstanding man who considers that behavior to be inappropriate. It completely undercuts Paxton's joyful support for pedofiles, rapists, and abusers.

Peta Barrett's avatar

Heh heh...aw Paxton and the lot of the R's in TX, schmucks all. Talarico is the real deal, where honesty and compassion prevails. How looooong 'til November?! GAH!

Ed Weber's avatar

Actually would be a great campaign ad for Talarico.

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

If Talarico wins and I hope he does for the sake of Texas, I might consider visiting. May the ghost of Molly Ivins haunt Paxton’s every waking moment.

PVC's avatar

Where is Molly when we need her?

Andy Borowitz's avatar

I recommend the documentary about her. It’s excellent!

PVC's avatar

Incredible woman. We had her speak at our lecture series.

Frances López's avatar

I'd like to see the TX hill country, Lady Bird's arboretum in Austin & visit San Antonio.

Terri Smith's avatar

Paxton is an extraordinary scumbag. I live in Austin and the thought of having Cruz and Paxton as my Senators is terrifying. I’m volunteering for Talarico.

Glynn Kegley's avatar

If he needed volunteers in my Trumpublican part of my Trumpublican state I would too.

Phyllis RP Tessieri's avatar

I’ve run out of adjectives for how perfectly you depict truth. 😹👏🏼👏🏼😹

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

I was breakfasting on my Whole Foods juicy melon

Thinking, “Andy is right! I’ll become a famed felon!”

“Then my life, which I’ve righteously rendered a mess,

Will become a Republican MAGA success!”

I belched loudly, while finishing my breakfast food;

As a felon, I know, is unfailingly rude.

Then I scattered the melon rinds

Out on the lawn

For unknowing non-felon folks to slip upon.

(As a bonus, to which no one would be the wiser,

The lawn was just sprayed with

A vile fertilizer!)

Then I leapt to my Chevy, a polluting perverter

And trashed my brand new catalytic converter,

For a felon like me who once scorned air pollution,

I attack both clean air and once-great Constitution.

Here’s the real beauty part:

It was not only me,

But the House and the Senate,

The whole damned GOP.

Our felonious reign is about to begin

Glorifying the undenied glamour of sin.

Kate Delano-Condax Decker's avatar

Absolutely double-brilliant, Glenn!! Really funny, all the way from start to end. One of your very best ever, in my view.

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

If you need a superbly impartial fact checker,

Place your faith in redoubtable Kate Dc Decker.

A poet herself, when she’s scanning your lines, she may need to levy Bad Portry fines.

Never fear: fines are rare, and on most sunny days, your poem is met with unqualified praise.

Mike Davidson's avatar

It speaks clearly of the current state of affairs in Washington D.C., sadly ☹️😡 But spot on, as usual and I'm glad to take the laugh 👍🙏

J P's avatar

You would think James Talarico could’ve at least had enough Paxton cajones to pick an old ladies pockets as he is assisting her across the street.

Linda MacDonald's avatar

😂😂😂"Texas deserves a criminal who doesn’t need on-the-job training.” Always the best punchline!😂😂😂

Kate Delano-Condax Decker's avatar

:-) !!

OldFlyer √'s avatar

No record?? and lemme guess, he probably believes in science and statistics.

Woke Alert! Get the torches and pitchforks!

Ed Weber's avatar

I’m flattered and honored that Andy Borowitz liked my earlier comment. But very seriously, what we need to see much more of from Democratic campaigns is explicit and intense derision, contempt, sneering, disgust, and loud laughter at the criminality and buffoonery which is constantly on display from the Trump/MAGA/GOP. The era of being polite was murdered by the trailer trash of Trump, his MAGA goons, and right wing media which manufactures ignorance, promotes thuggish behavior, creates hatred, and instills exaggerated fears.

misia.d's avatar
42mEdited

Yes, along with a more subtle tug on the softer voters. Like Tourists in Red tee’s & sandals looking at their selfies in front of the East Wing proclaiming, “Gee Wiz, I didn’t vote for that! Lordie that’s a mess!”

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Sad, but true.