429 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Good morning! To those of you who had been unaware of Lutnick, I apologize for bringing him to your attention.

Erik Bruun's avatar

Apology accepted.

Howard Lutnick offers a different brand of scoundrel to the Trump Cabinet. He seems to be capable (unlike half his colleagues), does not have a name that rode him to prominence on a magic carpet (aka RFK Jr.) nor is he using his position as a pathway to greater glory in the style of Rubio and Vance.

Lutnick is just a plain villain, motivated by greed and a boisterous jocularity. He lies. He steals. He embezzles. He sees an opportunity and he takes it.

Thus making him perhaps the most cynical and creepy cast member in Trump's troupe.

It's Come To This's avatar

They’re all — every last one of them — such a passel of scumbags, scalawags, carpetbags, freaks, moonbats, voidoids, peabrains, dipshits, robotic scoundrels, thieves, illiterate imbeciles, assholes, drunks, schmucks, cockwombles, greedy pigs, lechers, kvetchers, whiners, losers and incompetent, prevaricating fuck-ups.

Hope I didn’t forget anything.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

I'm not certain that's descriptive enough to include the bumpy, dumpy, frumpy, grumpy, humpy, jumpy, lumpy, stumpy Trump...

But it's a VERY good list.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

I left out "clumpy"...

Thank you, J Cheng. You warm my heart.

Sharon P's avatar

you don't have an opinion about him do you?

It's Come To This's avatar

Why, no. Why do you ask?

Susan Barnes's avatar

This is “Christmas Vacation”-worthy. Except you left out dickless and sack of monkeyshit.

Bob LoBue's avatar

You are going to hear from the monkeys for that one

Susan Barnes's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Claudia Allred's avatar

You missed depth defying liars.

Pattie Jacocks's avatar

You forgot my personal favorite: needle-dick bug fuckers.

Dell HANRAHAN's avatar

dog-killers

A+ to that list of adjectives!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

You talk like those are bad things

Betsy L's avatar

I think your list is pretty comprehensive. Good job.

George Hicks's avatar

It's not: you left out his remarks about how grateful Americans would be in their new jobs that will come here from China as a result of tariffs, allowing them to be part of an army of "millions and millions of human beings screwing in little-little screws." He delivered this with exaggerated hand gestures and an ebullient enthusiasm of condescension that was truly appalling. I think it was on Face the Nation.

P J Johnston's avatar

Great discription!

Richard Griffith's avatar

A cockwomble? That's an interesting one.

Susan Fernbach's avatar

Urban Dictionary gives these synonyms: “fuckwit, shit-for-brains.”

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cockwomble

J Cheng's avatar

AI: A person, often male, who makes stupid statements or acts inappropriately while having a high opinion of themselves.

There are other interpretations but you get the gist.

Cheryl Onken's avatar

Don't forget my current favorite PECKERHEAD

PaulaS's avatar

What a fantastic list! Up here in Canada, we also refer to him as a scrote, knob, pinhead, weasel, and reptile.

Susan Fernbach's avatar

This is a tour de force! 🏆

Richard Griffith's avatar

Or tour de farce, maybe...

Lawrence Gottlieb's avatar

sounds like a good dylan tune to me. very easy to sing

along. thanks

Mark Sandel's avatar

You left out “cultists.”

Koko in AZ's avatar

I read that financial people's nickname for Lutnick is "Nutlick".

Frau Katze's avatar

I’ve seen that one, too.

J Cheng's avatar

I like it! I am conjuring up an image of him licking his own......nuts

P J Johnston's avatar

So in other words he's an evil con man, Not unlike his boss.

JBR's avatar

As in the very depths of hell?

Sharon Herrick's avatar

In terms of creepy, I'm not sure he out-creepies Kristi Noem or Stephen Miller. In terms of cynical, he may be "out-classed" by Marco Rubio or Vancy Pancy. Let's face it, we've got a whole galaxy of villains to choose from. Oh, and Scott Bessent---motivated by greed and smarmy insincerity. Help....I can't stop.

Annette's avatar

its OK, at least I had finished my breakfast

Sandra Nicht's avatar

I hope it stayed where it belonged and didn't get hurled across the room...

Susan Gray's avatar

Alas, I had not.

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

Thank you for bringing more attention to those insanely annoying ads for full-body deodorant. I hate them, too. I pray that they will go away almost as frequently as I beg god to rid this country of Lutnick, his evil master, and his cabinet co-conspirators.

Deb Borrelli's avatar

Unfortunately, many of us are aware of Lutnick. Once you hear of any of the many ignorant, inept, and immoral members of this administration, it’s hard to forget them!

Susan Stone's avatar

What I find hard to forget about Lutnick (apart from all the other bad stuff) is his shit-eating smile.

FredMKlein's avatar

This retired banker knows all about a'holes like Lutnick who just raised their voices to "win" an argument, especially with a woman.

Stephen Brady's avatar

I find it remarkable how insensitive tRump’s nose is to his own miasma - yet he has sniffed out all the worst psychopaths for his cabinet- including ‘the most hated man on Wall Street’.

Al Keim's avatar

Brimstone air freshener. It's right next to full body wash on aisle 666.

Anmiryam's avatar

Howie was a sleaze in college. He was a sleaze as he connived to take over Cantor Fitzgerald. Clearly nothing’s changed.

Robin D's avatar

He's a quisling!!! (And I finally saw the movie QUISLING a couple of weeks ago. Terrific). I know this scum since 9/11 and Cantor Fitzgerald and the only reason he is still breathig is because on that awful day when 690 of his employees (including several dear friends.of my family) AND HIS brother, died when a plane flew into the World Trade Center tower where CF had their offices, while he was taking his spawn to his first day of school. He has the kind of face with that smarmy smile and $100k veneers you just want to smash your fist in. . Read about his past. His childhood. Lost both his parents young from cancer leaving him and 2 siblings. Things in life either change you for the better or worse, and he's vile! Not only the crack about the social security checks, not only shilling for Tesla, but remember when he said we are all.going to buy Elon's robots, and because of AI the kids of our future will be screwing Iphones together, while his kids and the rest of these clueless, greedy asshats will be sailing the seven seas in their yachts with private islands and zillions in crypto? . He's a liar and a scammer. Everyone loathes Howie. And awww..his poor wife Allison will no longer be sitting on the board of the Kennedy Center (bring out the tiny violin) while Demented Donnie destroys that and continues his rape and pillaging of our nation's capitol and our treasury and the rest of the world. <insert vomit emoji my cheap kindle fire doesn't have>

Kathy Stone's avatar

When I saw that he was a muckety-muck at CF, I wondered if he was the guy in tears after 9/11 promising to take care of employees' families. Then I think families got letters saying whatever payments they were getting were coming to an end. I don't remember the details but it looked like he was trying to tiptoe back from his promises.

Robin D's avatar

That's Howie Butlick!

Susan Stone's avatar

🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻

Robin D's avatar
1hEdited

Lol. I just checked and this cheap kindle doesn't have a vomit emoji but it does have a violin. Thanks Susan. I shall remember it for next time.

Susan Stone's avatar

You are welcome, Robin. 🤮 (a gift for you. Should you need it you can copy and paste.)

Robin D's avatar

You're a sweetie. When I need serious emojis I pull out my heavy artillery...my Ipad🤗 I just happen to love the kindle fire believe it or not..it's more like a PC and intuitive to me.

Sara Toye's avatar

Loved the STD analogy. Only difference seems to be that an STD is curable and a Lutnick is not. Yuck.

Laura Allen-Simpson's avatar

Learning about him has been like contracting an STD you didn’t know existed.

Laura Allen-Simpson's avatar

I apologize for posting this without quotation marks! (I accidentally hit the “post” arrow while I was trying to insert them.) Just wanted call out one of my favorite lines. Thank you, Andy!

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Apology graciously accepted, Andy! 😂Ignorance is bliss as far as the villains of the Trump administration are concerned but your trenchant satirical eye makes it all palatable! 😂( for those of us who haven’t had our breakfast! ) 😉Keep us informed and laughing ! 💕

Wis's avatar
4hEdited

“Learning about him has been like contracting an STD you didn’t know existed.”

Geez Andy, you’ve become a vector - now we all have it.

What a gruesome infection, Howard is. With this regime, I always feel the need for a shower and a dose of penicillin when I hear of their actions, words and crimes. Today, I need to up my treatment routine.

Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

No worries, Andy, I was well aware of Howard Sputnik or Buttnik, even better. Or maybe Wishnik, also known as little trolls. A Benedict Arnold turncoat, Democrats supposedly had swung too far to the left. Sigh, such a basket of deplorables......

Kathy's avatar

I had not heard of Lutnick before. Frightening to think of how many purely evil unknowns are really out there. Glad I don’t eat breakfast.

Dennis Hui's avatar

A sincere thank you Andy. I was not aware of this before.

Swan's avatar

Another brilliant (pre-Thank the capricious goddesses of Irony!)🥐☕️🍳breakfast read!!

I recall watching, jaw-dropped as “Lugnut”🐿️expanded his “fraudsters are the first to scream” cute lil’ illustration by invoking his apparently already in a coma, MIL.

“Why, if she didn’t get her SS check, she’d just think it was a mistake and wait around…..she wouldn’t call or scream…” 🤦🏻‍♀️Howie, Howie, HOWIE THE FUCK DID WE GET YA?!?

Your MIL’s daughter is married to a freakin’

💰💰BILLIONAIRE💰💰, probably has sufficient wealth herself to tide her over, and lives with you (👈🏽have not checked this domicile hearsay, factoid with Snopes)

Whelp, the midterms are only 9 months from yesterday. Tick, tock rump lickin’ squad(s)⏰🐊.

Sam Popkin's avatar

Whoever screams is the one stealing!! The modern day equivalent of “whoever drowns is the witch.”

Brenda Reiss's avatar

You win today's funniest comment, in my opinion

Sam Popkin's avatar

Why, thank you very much Brends!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

“She turned me into a newt.” “You don’t look like a newt.” “I got better.”

Judith Richards's avatar

Monty Python strikes again!! 🤣🤣🤣

Clym Yeobright's avatar

It’s still funnier w the glottal stops, but I couldn’t figure out how to transliterate them :)

Betsy L's avatar

Not to be petty, but it's whoever floats is the witch, because the water rejects them. Those who drown at least die with the knowledge that they're not witches.

Sam Popkin's avatar

You are absolutely right, and I apologize for getting it wrong! And I lived in Salem, for cryin’ out loud!

Sally's avatar

Isn’t The Ringmaster and everyone in the cabinet screaming all the live long day? With the possible exception of Rubio? That is kindergarten logic, Lutnick.

Lairbo's avatar

The couple-or-three times I've witnessed a pickpocket on the subway get caught in the act, their next move was always to start screaming at the intended victim, expressing outrage at such an accusation, and then get off the train and race up the stairs at the next stop. So, yeah, the shouting is always a tell.

Diana's avatar

Maybe only among criminals?

Wis's avatar

FABULOUS!! Sam, I doff my hat to you - this is the most fitting analogy I’ve heard in a looong time about one of trump’s scum sucking crazies!! 👏👏👏

(Too bad the drowning method isn’t legal to use as a lie detector test that the entire administrative body has to pass to stay in power. We’d have a LOT of soggy sycophants piling up on the White House lawn.)

Sam Popkin's avatar

Thank you, although it has rightly been pointed out to me that if the suspected witch did drown, she was innocent! I’ve never gotten so much mileage out of being incorrect! I guess one might say that of our president as well!

Wis's avatar

lol - yes, I saw that (inconvenient truth - TBR readers are so smart!) — but the analogy still works if it were a lie detector test - after all, the results are what we’re looking for when it comes to the administration (no matter if they admit wrongdoing or not, drowning is drowning!).

(I’ve become so dark this past year when it comes to trump and his minions and adherents.)

Judith Richards's avatar

Again 😂😂😂

Emily Lyons's avatar

But they only know that to be true because that’s what they do! Look at Trump: he screams that there was voters cheating during elections (he knows there’s Republicans who get away with it), he screams Hunter Biden is corrupt (his own family is the most corrupt in history). Trump does this all day long!

Ted Loewenberg's avatar

Obviously Nutlick thinks that 40 million Americans are stealing, while he is the one who is getting paid to do nothing. Living 6 ft away from Epstein, he must have caught the Sleezebag virus when they rode the elevator together.

The Rickster's avatar

Nice work, AB. Proof the swamp is still there marked by a gateway arch.

Trudy Stevens's avatar

Someone said (I regret I don't recall who) that Trump wasn't cleaning the swamp but bottling it. That will definitely be his legacy we could post eventually in gold (of course)on his to be built arch, his to be rebuilt Kennedy Center and in his soon to be built ballroom.

Robert S Hunter's avatar

Let’s not forget his new Arch of Triumph.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Wait for the Pyramid. I just heard from Cheops via interdimensional DM: “He can DO that???”

Sally's avatar

He’s just jealous of Nick Cage’s pyramid tomb in New Orleans’ St Louis Cemetery #1.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Just reported by WaPo (seriously): the ballroom will be the same height as the White House

Stan Ruth's avatar

Howard Lutnick is a good fit for this administration. He is an embarrassment every single day.

Paula's avatar

And he’s in the Epstein files!

Judith Richards's avatar

Of course he is! 😂

Stan Ruth's avatar

That seems to a requirement for membership in this administration.

Dan Starr's avatar

…despite the whole body deodorant!

Larry Caringer's avatar

Lutnick reminds me of pretty much every asshole I ever worked for.

Harry Redlich's avatar

I’ve been painfully aware of this bald headed bloviator. He puts the ass in crass and the muck in schmuck. He’s fits perfectly into the rogues gallery of the Trump Administration, and I use the word “administration” sarcastically. The Trump Waxworks of Ghouls and Monsters. Agggghhhhh!!!!!

ISOequanimity's avatar

And Susie Wiles is the wind beneath 47’s wings. For now. Venezuela is a member of ICC and arrest warrants can be issued against the US. I hope that happens. I’d like to see the lot of them spend their retirement in one of the notorious prison of member nations: La Makala (Congo), Kamiti (Kenya), Muhanga (Rwanda), and Mendoza (Argentina). I’m not proud of the schadenfreude but imagining Niedermeyer pleading for mayo in Spanish or “Susie” making casseroles for Congo prison guards keeps my head from exploding. https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/susie-wiles-trump-cabinet-chief-of-staff-net-worth-b2682925.html

Andy Borowitz's avatar

She is the least effective "adult in the room" ever.

Annette's avatar

She was supposed to be the guardrails . . . both Dems and Reps thought she was tolerable, but I guess there was no budget or desire for guardrails, so she gulped the Koolaid.

ISOequanimity's avatar

She’s an experienced corporate lobbyist who gets results. Look at term 1 compared to now.

ISOequanimity's avatar

I’ve been reading about potential charges of “Misprision of Treason” which I hadn’t heard of before. “Anyone with knowledge of treason who fails to report it can be charged with misprision of treason, punishable by up to seven years in prison.” It sounds like, when it comes to treason, they’re mandated reporters. We’ll find out.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

she's got the glare but is only listened to because of her father

Al Keim's avatar

Yesh, ther is that

JBR's avatar

She's an adult?

Mirla G. Raz's avatar

I think more should be written about Susie Viles.

Pickleball's avatar

Thank you for both reminding us about how horribly corrupt Nutlick is and for making me puke!

Jonathan Aborn's avatar

NUTLICK. Perfect…….

Martha Franklin's avatar

It must have been very difficult to pick just one to profile in awfulness. Job security for you!

Annette's avatar

maybe Andy can do another Profiles in Awfulness, like we did with the Quislings.

Al Keim's avatar

The Justa Dick contest was fun.

Robin D's avatar

The Quislings are still my fave till this day!

Ted Loewenberg's avatar

There is a nearly infinite supply of awful Trumpsters. It's like shooting down 5th Avenue in broad daylight. He's bound to kill someone, but no one will complain. Because he's already got 34 felony convictions.

Susan Ritchie's avatar

Learning about him has been like contracting an STD you didn’t know existed. 😄

I didn’t know half of this. Excellent letter. Thanks, Andy.

L B Rose's avatar

Thank you Andy. I now know why Orange has promoted him. These guys could be identical twins.

Robyn Boyer's avatar

Don't forget that Nutlick was among many of Trump's cronies who made out like bandits (literally) when they knew in advance who he was going to tariff and for how much. The stock of the affected companies went up or down, accordingly. Remember Trump standing in the Oval and musing to his pals, "Well you made billions, right?" Right.

Lee Roscoe's avatar

as the Creepublicants stand by and continue to asslick their Fuhrer, their furor

Robin D's avatar

And his sons ate in on it too.

L.D.Michaels's avatar

WHY DOES TRUMP WANT TO NATIONALIZE THE MID-TERM ELECTIONS?

He's already told us: "We’ll have it fixed so good, you’re not gonna have to vote.”

Trump's onslaught to weaponize government departments and agencies to lock down Republican domination and to gerrymander the state legislatures with the complicity of his 6 right-wing fanatical zealots on the Supreme Court to guarantee their stranglehold on the American electorate should come as no surprise to anyone. Trump and his co-conspirators are rabid about solidifying these choke-points before the November elections while the Republicans still control both Houses of Congress. If they lose both or even one, their totalitarian strategy will run up against a brick wall

Don't deny that we hadn't been forewarned.

On July 26, 2024, before the upcoming Presidential election, at The Believers’ Summit hosted by Turning Point Action in West Palm Beach, Florida, then-Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told the predominantly Christian audience that if they voted for him in the 2024 election, “you won’t have to vote anymore” in four years because, in his words, “we’ll have it fixed so good, you’re not gonna have to vote.” In that speech, he urged Christians to “get out and vote, just this time,” and said after four more years “you don’t have to vote again” because the country would supposedly be “fixed.”

So there it is! He told everyone that if they elected him he was going to use every governmental power to weaponize the U.S. Government to crush his political opponents and make voting an irrelevant exercise of futility after he gets finished with destroying the opposition.

It is therefore a matter of political life or death for the Democrats to take at least one House of Congress in the upcoming Congressional elections. Our failure to do so will enable Trump and his accomplices to secure their monopoly of power for generations to come.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

“I alone can fix it.” 2016 republican convention.

Not like he didn’t warn us.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

I feel as if every Democrat should preface what they say with “Do you feel we’re in a Golden Age yet?” Hopefully, the contrast between actuality and his promises should wake some people up.

Janeo's avatar

Good news is, elections are run by states. It would take the house & senate to change that & that's a nonstarter at this point. Intimidation by ICE at selected precincts is a possibility, but first, mail in ballots in vote by mail ( blue states) have to be outlawed. Intimidation/purges of those registered as Dems or Independents is a possibility. That's why DOJ wants states' voter rolls.

Have you birth certificate or passport handy. If you get purged don't argue. Just re-register on the spot.

Barry Blue's avatar

That’s “Nutlick,” to make a spelling correction …, and it’s too bad he didn’t make it to the office on 9/11.

Anne DePalma's avatar

Yes indeed; a great tragedy.

Robin D's avatar

Yes, sadly it seems the wrong brother died.

Hank Greenspan's avatar

Dude drips crude. Why not invite oil barons to skip Venezuela and refine Lutnick?

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Thank you??? No, that was illuminating. Like shining a black light in a motel room. The slimey billionaires club has to stick together. Like sludge.

Patty Bohart's avatar

Oh my gosh! Comparing Lutnick to full body deodorant commercials!

Brilliant! I'm choking on my coffee!