RFK Jr. Spreads Conspiracy Theory That His Mind is Being Controlled by Total Idiot

Mario Tama/Getty Images

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “most shocking conspiracy” he has ever unearthed, on Tuesday Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed that his mind is being controlled by a moron.

“I don’t know exactly how my brain is being operated remotely, by an electronic beam or microwaves or whatnot,” he said. “But somehow, some way, there’s a total numbskull making me say the things I say.”

Kennedy revealed that he pinned index cards to his basement wall featuring his most ludicrous utterances about Bill Gates, Dr. Anthony Fauci, vaccines, antidepressants, measles, and microchips, and then connected the cards with colored yarn to see if a pattern emerged.

“If I’d said one or two dumb things, I’d brush it off,” he said. “But when every time I open my mouth something irredeemably idiotic comes out, that can’t be a coincidence.”

---

The Perfect Replacement for Karoline Leavitt

Alex Wong/Getty Images

There’s only one Republican liar big enough to replace Bamboozling Barbie. Find out who it is here.

---

---

TBR Book Club Pick: The Nerd Reich

The Nerd Reich: Silicon Valley Fascism and the War on Democracy by Gil Durán is a TBR Book Club pick for August.

“This transfixing debut from journalist Durán investigates the antidemocratic ideologies espoused by tech billionaires linked to the second Trump administration...It’s an ominous look at an insular elite arrayed against American democracy.” —Publishers Weekly (starred review)

You can get the book at TBR Bookshop, where every purchase helps support local bookstores—and not a dime goes to Jeff Bezos.