Susan Collins Challenges Democratic Rival to Pearl-clutching Contest

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing down the gauntlet in her reelection campaign, on Wednesday Senator Susan Collins challenged her Democratic rival, Troy Jackson, to what she called a “live, televised pearl-clutching contest.”

“For the past 29 years, when there’s been a tough call to make, I’ve responded by wringing my hands and furrowing my brow,” she told reporters. “Looking worried is a full-time job, and an amateur like Troy Jackson simply isn’t up to it.”

Under the terms of Collins’s proposed event, she and her opponent will each be given “five tough questions, a string of pearls, and may the best clutcher win.”

Collins said she was confident she would win the televised contest, stating, “For the first time in my life, this is something I am not deeply troubled or concerned about.”

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