573 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

She said she wants to spend more time with her family. But has anyone consulted her family?

Scott's avatar

Is she resigning to join ICE? That’s about the only career move she has left…

Richard Shure's avatar

She finally realized that she was skating on thin ICE!

jon Hodson's avatar

She wants to be the next ice barbie when Chump fires puppy killer.

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Oh, god, NO!

On second thought, perhaps, if she's willing to completely reboot herself: Stefanik is intelligent looking, but plain, even with make-up, and Donald likes his front women to be Mar-a-Lacquered.

Lorie's avatar

For a reboot she'd need to do a complete Maga-morphosis, like the other women in Trump's orbit. Pumping up your lips is a must-have, along with tailored eyebrows and cellophaned hair to create 'highlights'! And.....maybe even newly created high cheekbones... Meow!

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

"Tailored"? Yes! That's the adjective I've been hunting to describe those weird eyebrows.

Frau Katze's avatar

She needs a ton of plastic surgery.

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

According to Donald's idea of beauty, we all need a ton.

Natalie Parker's avatar

Well, she does use false eye lashes, but her lips are pretty thin and she doesn't appear to have hair extensions....

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Maybe there's hope für our Elise. Must continue to track this breaking news.

D ODonnell's avatar

Just caught the fur mit umlaut. Well-done!

John Townsend's avatar

Not without a makeover and boob-lift!

MLK's avatar

If that would bring her back into Dump's favor, sure! Elise wouldl crawl on her knees and lick Dump's dumpster if it's help her.

John Townsend's avatar

--besides McDonald's or Burger King!

MZ's avatar

Her family didn't live in the district when she was first elected. She probably never wanted to either. Her parents had a seasonal home. She has always lied to advance her career.

Barbara Wilson Parks's avatar

She is my rep in upstate NY. Worthless! She never lived in our district, but used her parent's vacation home as her address. While campaigning throughout the district, her car sported Virginia plates. My guess is that Fox followers will soon be able to see and listen to her vitriolic drivel.

MZ's avatar

Yes. All of that is true. I also live in the district. When she was actually meeting with those she represented, dhe was so afraid of us she had a police escort. She also didn't answer wuestions honestly. Just pat answers. Dhe didnt even listen. Well you know exactly ehat she did and continues to do.

Marge Campbell's avatar

According to the law you don't have to live in the district you represent, just in the same state.

Patrice Curedale's avatar

as I recall, in Pennsylvania you only have to buy a house in the state in order to run for Senate...but you'll still need a little extra election tinkering from Musk in order to win...

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

Well, her son probably does want her to spend more time with him - he’s still too young to understand her crazy politics. Who knows about her gun-toting husband? But you raise a good point, Andy. We need an apolitical way for family members to assert their views on how much time they want to spend with these resigning politicians!

jon Hodson's avatar

Sounds like some family members of AZ MAGA Andy Biggs who must be feeling the heat from his family finally and is quitting the House to be the next MAGA MEGA LOSER in AZ politics.

Andrew's avatar

I was unaware of this bit of good news, thx! Of course, his replacement could be even worse (is that possible? Rhetorical question...) so there's that possibility.

Kathy's avatar

It depends… perhaps the epstein files will ultimately lead to truth gaining traction in our government. Likely? It’s going to be difficult because it would require humility & dedication instead of the pursuit of power/advantage/money/favored status and praise. Our founding fathers weren’t perfect, but lordy we have been so abused by the criminal actions and neglect lately by mostly GOP along with some Democrats

Daniel L Kennedy's avatar

Stefanik has personally requested George Santos to be her replacement.

John Townsend's avatar

She can instruct him on how to dress in drag!

jon Hodson's avatar

Andy is going to be the next Kari Lake in the continuation of idiotic MAGA candidates put up by AZ MAGAS

Stephen Pardys's avatar

Keep those Californians and New Yorkers moving to Arizona.

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Well still good news. J6 conspiracy zealot. He should have been locked up

John Townsend's avatar

Answer: families of Republicans want to flee to Canada!

Hugh Jarce's avatar

I could support that; as long as they are required to go via El Salvador. I hear its quite pleasant at this time of year.

Cherylannie Morgan's avatar

She may want to watch her back. With all that extra time at home and a husband carrying?

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

They all say that when they’ve behaved outrageously, been defeated and now it’s time to lick their wounds in private 🙄

John Townsend's avatar

Hope there's lot's of salt in them wounds!

(My evil Christmas wish!)

Anathema Addams's avatar

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Al Keim's avatar

Anvil available at no extra charge.

J Cheng's avatar

explosives included for free - for the Acme family to self eliminate

Al Keim's avatar

How does ACME do it?

John Townsend's avatar

For sure, Jeff Bezos has nothing to do with it!

John Townsend's avatar

What a deal! Especially here in California where we could remove coyotes from parks!

Anathema Addams's avatar

Oddly enough, a couple weeks ago there was an ACME van parked in front of the condo across the street, and the worker was standing at the rear of the van working on his equipment. I SO wanted to sneak up behind him and go "beep beep". However, I'm on the board (treasurer, no less) - so there is a limit to how silly I can get

Catherine Alvarez's avatar

Awesome 😄 . I would do that in a heartbeat . I was well trained by a dad who loved doing silly things like that . But now we are afraid to offend someone 😱

Michael Bowe's avatar

Mine came with an ACME Andrew Giuliani Bratz Doll. I want my money back.

Anathema Addams's avatar

Presenting: the ACME Animated Lawyer Doll. Defends the rest of your dolls and figures, including Elf on the Shelf who has been accused of defamation. Actual legal knowledge not included.

SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

We already have two of those. May we please return them?

Anathema Addams's avatar

They do tend to proliferate.

John Townsend's avatar

--so no refunds, ever!

John Townsend's avatar

---because the doll's hair dripped black all over?

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Hey, there are agencies for this in Japan.

OT: The movie "Rental Family" with Brendan Fraser is worth seeing. Not as mushy as the trailer would suggest, and his first assignment, as a groom for hire, is especially funny and surprising.

John Townsend's avatar

Gotta love Japan......

It's Come To This's avatar

Love your handle. Bully, I say! ❤️

Michelle p. mooney's avatar

Very fun comments. You should go Borowitz professional.

J Cheng's avatar

thank you for this laugh!

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Anathema, you're on to something big, very big. May I come work for you?

J Cheng's avatar

She has family? Do they know who she is? Seriously, what a POS.

Katherine James's avatar

Yeah. I'm sure. The holidays should be Merry and Bright at her house since she can just plug her brain into one of the sockets for the tree and light up the whole house.

John Townsend's avatar

She's probably lit up all ready---year round!

Wis's avatar
Dec 22Edited

I see every maga-loving mother or father being responsible for years of future therapy for their children, just to "de-unhinge" them, ground them in reality and teach them a sane way of life.

John Townsend's avatar

Therapists will be the new billionaires!

D ODonnell's avatar

Crossing fingers for their eventual de-hinging and for the country’s.

Joyce Wolff's avatar

This is a priceless column!

Toddy McClain's avatar

Liked to the third power.

pjsamith's avatar

Yeah, she said she was first and foremost a MOM. And that she wanted to spend more time with her son. But it's blindingly clear that if she'd been endorsed by Trump, her son would've been designated an inconvenience and been relegated to the sidelines of her reprehensible, miserable life.

There's a reason why she looks like a jelly donut. She is a spineless shapeshifter and an out and out FRAUD.

NEAL O'CONNOR's avatar

She also said that her most important job is "Mom." I was blissfully unaware that she had offspring. Do you think her kids are happy that Mommy the Two-Faced Politician is paying attention to them?

Paul Eric Gold's avatar

There should be a law that does not allow republicans to breed. That's how we got Newt Gingrich.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

She has one kid -- a boy. I hope her husband cuts her off. Takes the kid and moves to West Hollywood.

John Townsend's avatar

Keep her away from baking cookies!

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Wait, she actually said that? So sad. And have you considered writing a column about this favorite cliche of politicians (after "the American people")?

I'm betting her constituents' growing disgust, paired with a fresh start as a lobbyist or Fox ranter.

Kim D's avatar

I did. They all said they'd never heard of her.

Paul Eric Gold's avatar

I have. They had to ask me to repeat her name 5 times, and then said that they didn't know anyone by that name.

Margaret Cox's avatar

You’re in top form! “Extinction level event known as DT”, “original recipe and extra crazy”, “septic tank of lies”! Hope Stefanik enjoys reading this masterpiece!

It's Come To This's avatar

"Moderate Republican" -- anyone to the left of Heinrich Himmler. 🤣 🤪 😂

The best part? As an influencer and trend-setter, we can expect MANY more nebbishes and nobodies suddenly mumbling about the need to spend more precious time with their families....

Kathy Roeske's avatar

Are you from Pittsburgh? Nebish is Pittsbughese. Great word.

meryl selig's avatar

Nebbish is NY originated Yiddish word…. Eventually migrated west

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Very far west -- West Hollywood. A related word is 'nebbach' (pronounced neb-back) with similar meaning: a hapless, ineffectual, unpopular and stupid person. Easily applied to Stefucknik.

Kathy Roeske's avatar

Interesting! I only heard it when I was growing up in Pittsburgh. Didn’t realize it was a New York, Yiddish thing.

John Townsend's avatar

In a covered wagon---on the freeway?

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Pittsburghese is a conglomeration of Irish, Eastern European, Italian and more. No one can understand us when we talk.

D ODonnell's avatar

It’s Yiddish and spelled with two b’s.

Its usage is “Yuuuuuge” in Noo Yawk.

meryl selig's avatar

I think the word is national now😂

John Townsend's avatar

Then they will just go on to form Nebbish and Nobody Societies" who turn up in droves at TurningPointUSAcons. "Cons" being the operative part of that name.

Maggie Dunbar's avatar

Do we know whether she can actually read?

MLK's avatar

Yeah, EB went to Harvard Law School, where reading is required. Still, EB browbeat Harvard Pres. Claudine Gay at a congressional hearing. Gay should now be enjoying a mega-level of schadenfreude.

John Townsend's avatar

Be sure to send it to her, Andy!

Al Keim's avatar

Reads like a geological anthropology:-)

Lucy K.'s avatar

Wow, what a gloriously scathing, bitingly funny summary of the rise & fall of Stefanik! So glad to see her go!

Paul Snyderman's avatar

A 2025 Hannukah (Hanukkah, Chanu...) Miracle indeed! The story is a bit inverted, with her light miraculously going out rather than persisting, but I'm fine with it.

ISOequanimity's avatar

And the outcome of her departure is more light for all of us!

D ODonnell's avatar

And hopefully a chance to flip her district Blue.

John Townsend's avatar

--after so deeply MAGA-flipped!

LHS's avatar

The Stefanik moment that stands out in my memory is her preening, posturing, screeching interrogation of the Presidents of Penn, Harvard and MIT about antisemitism. It was pure performance, for an audience of one, and incredibly hypocritical, given the current antisemitic tendencies of the Republican party.

Claimmr's avatar

Gee Paul, I'm really surprised you had already heard of "that story" having to do with oil unexpectedly lasting 8 days! You are really in the know! - Compliments from DJT

John Townsend's avatar

--which is so not a compliment!

Claimmr's avatar

Writing as myself - Agree, and no offense meant to Paul !

Paul Snyderman's avatar

No offense taken to your DJT persona. Oil is very imported from Venezuela;)

John Townsend's avatar

We're all so fine with it!

Penelope Guyton's avatar

When I read something like this - humorous maybe , but factual - I cannot get my head around what is going on in the brains of people like this woman. How do you make intellectual (I use the word loosely) U-turns and not have your head explode?

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Ambition, lust for power, the prospect of turning the proximity to Trump into big dollars and opportunities.

Al Keim's avatar

Biblical, ain't it?

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Indeed. Perhaps we're coming up on a Tower of Babel moment for Trump and company?

Al Keim's avatar

Haha- they live in the tower.

John Townsend's avatar

Okay, Lord, please zap away!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Time for some strategically placed lightning bolts!

Thor! Zeus! We humbly implore you!

Catharine Farkas's avatar

How do we know her head didn't explode?

Michael L Flynn's avatar

Being that her head is completely empty, wouldn't it implode?

Cathy Wampler's avatar

Eaten my one of those RFK brain worms. Maybe it’s viral … that’s what happened to all the “Republicans.”

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Have there been reports of Hazmat teams being called to the area? Just asking

Gordon Shumway's avatar

perhaps it's Kennedy's brain worm....

Kathy's avatar

How? Sheer stupidity that allows someone to grab for a gold ring that is ultimately made of pure shite

John Townsend's avatar

--and does leaves a stain on your hand!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

There is nothing inside the head except styrofoam popcorn.

Nancy T's avatar

It's not intellectual Perhaps he grabbed her by her privates and she loved it. but when she offered herself again, he turned away, no longer interested in her parts that bore children.

John Townsend's avatar

Her head exploded internally!

Jane kissane's avatar

My eyes filled with wonder and joy when I read Stefanik was leaving politics! There really is a Santa Claus. I hope it is because she recovered her humanity but, let’s get real, I doubt it.

Al Keim's avatar

An inspired line- "My eyes were filled with wonder"- when the evening papers read...

Michael L Flynn's avatar

Nice Simon and Garfunkel reference!

Al Keim's avatar

Julio came up with that.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

She couldn't recover what she never had.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Thank you Andy for this brilliant piece! I don’t know how Trump turns seemingly rational human beings into crack pots 😉I won’t miss her tantrums and her deplorable behavior 🙄. Harvard has inflicted many obnoxious pomposities on the hapless populace but it has also given us the gift of an Andy Borowitz ! 😉

Al Keim's avatar

TDS-Trump Derangement Syndrome, Pradnya. It's everywheres.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

I don’t know why this phrase doesn’t convey the exact opposite of the way it is currently used. Trump IS deranged, and Trump Derangement Syndrome is what Trump suffers from.

Elaine Young's avatar

When applied to Trump - should be Deranged Trump Syndrome"

Steven Estrine's avatar

I have a new name for Maga that is: The Magaloons! And their leader, the chief Magaloon Is the deranged Trump.

John Townsend's avatar

Are they like the Oompa-Loopas with their own song!

Al Keim's avatar

You mean to say the DT's - delirium tremens?

Charis Bowling's avatar

I agree. I've always wondered about the way the term was "officially" used, but I usually blamed my concern on my being just an overly picky retired English teacher.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I do not think any teacher of English could EVER be overly picky. Retired or not. Pick away, Charis.

TruthMonkey's avatar

That's been my stance for a long time. MAGAts love to hurl the TDS "diagnosis" at sane people with opposing views, but it's classic projection. The MAGA deplorables are the ones who are truly suffering the well-known, brain-damaging effects of Trump Derangement Syndrome.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

WONDERFUL. We could ask ourselves if we'd have an Andy if we didn't have a Trumpety Dumpety, but I firmly believe we could. His spread is wide! And we are grateful.

D ODonnell's avatar

That suggests another column or contest.

Famed / useless Harvard products. Who’s the worst and why?

Andy, what do you think?

D ODonnell's avatar

I’ll start:

George W. Bush

Ted Cruz

Alan Dershowitz …

Sandra M. Watson's avatar

I live in her district. Her lies, name calling, and complete lack of touch with the needs and representation of this district are well known . Even her "newsletters" disappeared for weeks at a time. Not that they held much relevant content. Your summary is pretty spot on and I don't think for one minute we have heard the last from her☹️

Karen Teige's avatar

Agree. The Stefanik’s of this country don’t just go quietly away. She’ll be back, more dangerous than before

Al Keim's avatar

I think she looked at the polls and realized Hochul was going to annihilate her.

John Gregory's avatar

and Trump was not going to support her in a primary with another Trumpie ... so a harder road without her resident Saint in her corner.

Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Right, the nuts and dangerous nuts find a way to come back. Please, people in her district, keep watch on her and report back on TRB.

Dee Simons's avatar

Alise isn't blond enough for a spot on Fox but she qualifies in every other way or she is getting a Cabinet appointment.

Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

This is true. Although she could dye her hair blond to be a good fit with faux"news". She would fit well into the Cabinet, maybe after Botox Barbie or Hogsbreath leave.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Yeah....but within an hour and following a visit to Walgreens for Clairol, she could be.

John Townsend's avatar

A makeover is imminent.....

John Townsend's avatar

Better yet, wrap her in bubble wrap so she can't hurt anyone!

Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Bubble wrap with a lot of duck tape to keep it in place.

D ODonnell's avatar

Guessing Faux News.

She is quite “video genic.”

What’s her voice like?

Peggy Duran's avatar

Not only is this a brilliant takedown of a political chameleon, but it is a history of Republican cowardice over the last 9 years. A classic--thank you.

Catharine Crockett's avatar

I always wonder whether any of these characterless politicians lean toward their bathroom mirror in the morning and intone "WTF am I really doing?" I mean, I must have had the best parents (it's not a religion that taught me right from wrong). My moral core has never shifted. I don't understand how her's (their's) can do so.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Stefanik 's ambitions overcame whatever moral core she might have had.

Gail T's avatar

Because the moral aspect must never have taken root. Surface stuff only - until it stopped getting you what you want. Then, like the clothes you wear, just put on new ones?

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Some people simply have no conscience or sensitivity. No moral core; therefore, nothing to shift. Trumpety Dumpety is the most conspicuous example, and his sycophants passed the acid test.

meryl selig's avatar

Politicians … they are “flexible “ with few exceptions. Bernie comes to mind

John Townsend's avatar

--for political pretzels!

John Townsend's avatar

If they lean in and intone "WTF" too much, their better, moral self will grab them, pull into the mirror....

Rodney Bell's avatar

This is terrific, as usual. Thanks, Andy.

Larry Jordan's avatar

Couple her departure with Cardinal Tim Dolan’s retirement. Only wish both came sooner.

Rosemary Ehle's avatar

I think Pope Leo pulled the plug on Dolan. He was coming across as a jolly fun-loving cleric with a nasty Nazi streak.

Larry Jordan's avatar

Pope Leo was perhaps persuaded by the open letter from 1000 Catholic Church leaders and social justice advocates chastising him for supporting Trump. I was particularly disgusted by his fawning at the Alfred E Smith dinner.

Roland Saeger's avatar

I too am glad to see Dolan go. Mary Jo McConahay wrote an excellent book on right wing extremism in the USCCB. Pope Leo can pick other names straight from there.

Phyllis LaMontagne's avatar

And years ago when Pope Francis came to town (NYC), Dolan made the celebration all about him. That’s when I started to lose respect for this cardinal.

meryl selig's avatar

Vile bigot = Dolan. Pope Leo is a saint

John Gregory's avatar

apparently all prelates submit a resignation letter at the age of 75. The Pope chooses to accept some faster than others. On this one, he did not hesitate at all ... and given the successor, one imagines why he did not.

Larry Jordan's avatar

Agreed. Hicks will likely be a breath of fresh air.

Rosemary Ehle's avatar

Probably didn't help when he called Charlie Kirk a "modern day Saint Paul"...

Joan Oustifine's avatar

Original recipe and Extra Crazy... omg, you've outdone yourself! Dying laughing.....

Al Keim's avatar

Somewhere there is an Ai image of Ms. Stefanik in a white linen suit sporting a van Dyke.

John Townsend's avatar

Is Extra Crazy the same as Extra Crispy?

Chris Fox's avatar

As the saying goes: Good riddance to bad rubbish. Excellent takedown, Andy!

Steven Jennings's avatar

A masterpiece!

Stephen Brady's avatar

Definitely worthy of 'Profiles in Ignorance'! Mayhap a sequel on the horizon?

Mary Hodges's avatar

Absolutely should be a Stefanik chapter in a new "Profiles." If there's a medical chapter, she could be filed under curvature of the brain.

MZ's avatar

We in NY Dstrict 21 say "Good Riddens" to Elise. As my friend said, "Your bumper sticker has almost faded away." (It looks something like this eLIsES.) I can't wait to replace it/her.