305 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

I think Tom is being refreshingly transparent here.

Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

I read on several non-legacy news sites that the goon squads are complaining that signing bonuses and paychecks have failed to appear. It would seem that the Felon's habitual practice of stiffing contract workers and firms is fully in play here.

Chris Edwards's avatar

A leopard can't change its spots. Just look at his hands.

Robin D's avatar

Speaking of spots, I haven't seen enough bruising!!! He must've hired a full time makeup artist..G-d, I hope they didn't stop because the treatments are working 😱

Robin D's avatar

Really? I think I'll have an extra spring in my arthritic steps this morning LOL.

Jocelyn B's avatar

Surprise! (not)

Mary-Chilton van Hees's avatar

If true, the Goon Squad should grab their pitchforks and torches and head to Mar a Lago.

mstruck2's avatar

Yeah. They get $1000. a year for 5 years and taxes are deducted.

J Cheng's avatar

I thought the signing bonus was $50,000? Aha, the joke is on ICE agents. The administration will claim there was a typo and there was one too many zeros! Hahahahahah

Judy Sherwood's avatar

I hope that is a correct statement... it would be karma, poetry... reverse retribution? A really good belly laugh, for sure!

Stan Duffner's avatar

Taxes should be deducted it's wages for harassing taxpayers

Anca Vlasopolos's avatar

Hahaha. They should have read his record of stiffing anyone working for him as opposed to working on him.

J Cheng's avatar

LOL that is fantastic! If they haven't been paid, does that mean they don't actually work for ICE, are just regular citizens, and are not covered by immunity from prosecution???????

Donna S Swarr's avatar

And???? why is anyone surprised.

J Cheng's avatar

not in the least! I'm telling you that every last citizen and immigrant is a target for this administration under his revenge plot. Probably not the direct offspring of 45-47, but then again, who knows?

Judy Sherwood's avatar

Melania and her father?

Janeo's avatar

I read (on the ubiquitous Somewhere) they don't get the bonus till after five years of servICE. It's not like the just skulk around in a CAVA parking lot.

Did they not read the fine print?

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Probably being paid in Melania and Donnie crypto

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😂Tom is taking his cue from his President who is also refreshingly transparent about taking vast sums of money from anyone and everyone ! 😉Thanks Andy !

Erik Bruun's avatar

Would this even be considered a scandal today?

Certainly not by the White House who would consider the amount of money too trivial to consider.

JeffJ's avatar

IDEA: Congress should pass a law allowing cash bribes — as long as they can fit in a Cava bag.

Laura Allen-Simpson's avatar

You’re still thinking the old way, Jeff. Congress doesn’t need to pass a law to allow anyone to do anything!

George Hicks's avatar

Surely everyone knows that Tom Homan DID take a $50,000 bribe and "everyone" in the admin said it was OK because he didn't provide any services in return. That also meant it wasn't taxable. And he was "honest" enough that he refused to deny it. All on the up and up.

J Cheng's avatar

but it's income and is he reporting it and paying taxes on it??????

Robin D's avatar

Paper bags only please. Better for the environment🤗

J Cheng's avatar

🤣🤣🤣

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

This administration has raised the bar on what would be considered a scandal so high I can’t even imagine what, at this point, actually would be labeled a scandal.

Actually, I don’t think I want to know.

andrea sobel's avatar

Just hang around another week or two. There should be at least 4-5 "I can't believe it" scandals.

Katherine P Duncan's avatar

I think he just can't help himself.

Mary-Chilton van Hees's avatar

He thinks he just CAN help himself.

Stephen Brady's avatar

I presume the Orange One is getting his cut from Ol' Tom?

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

But will he wear a mask when accepting the bags?

Robin D's avatar

Like the Lone Ranger?

Annette's avatar

then we'll never be able to understand him

Wis's avatar

Yeah. Compared to Greg, Tom’s a real mensch. And trump’s post-superbowl interview with NBC will be an honest, heartfelt mea culpa that will make everyone love and trust him again (at least, those who did before).

🤢

(…Boy, I hope both publicly fall flat on their ugly faces. I hope it’s too little, too late. We can’t keep letting these people have any power or influence on our country because no matter what they say or do now, they’ve proven they aren’t motivated by love of America. They’re motivated by hate and self.)

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Do you suppose that the majority of the sports world will ever begin to realize that Trump and the Trumpettes would gladly detain and deport all of the Black and brown and "foreign" players on all of their beloved teams? Or maybe they'll be kept around because they provide entertainment for the masses?

Wis's avatar

Excellent question! Trump et al probably see sports as ok - in their shriveled little brains, they think it’s the only context in which black and brown people excel.

Sharon P's avatar

a coliseum in place of the Kennedy center?

Wis's avatar

How I could have left that out is a major misstep on my part! Thanks, Celia!

andrea sobel's avatar

They just lie. I'm sure it's not kinder or gentler. We're all just waiting for someone else to die. I'm sure they aren't happy that the last 2 were a mom and a nurse. They need a couple with murder/rape convictions. (Palate cleaners for MAGA).

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Always were. Long before the escalator descent.

Susan Wingate's avatar

"Refreshingly" just sent me to the moon. Just so funny.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Give the man .00005 points for candor

Marian Davis's avatar

Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, but I’m always glad to read your posts, Andy.

J Cheng's avatar

The bigger question is why Cava??? Is this some sort of front for Homeland Security, or just a favorite restaurant for Homan? Or, when Homan heard that in January, Doug Thompson was announced as COO, he thought "coup"! That's the place for me!

Pat Ebervein's avatar

Nailed it, as always! (Every day I thank god I've lived a pretty clean life - I'd hate to be in your sights for sure!)

Diane Smith's avatar

OhMuyGawd you are soooo funny. <3

Gail E Hofmann's avatar

“Refreshing” is one word for it.

Sandra Cockrell's avatar

I do like to start the day with a laugh. Thanks Andy!

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

DITTO!

Carol Ring's avatar

I posted this on a different Borowitz Report but don't think anybody read it. [It has a surprise ending.] Read to the END!!! I got this from a Canadian friend.

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.

Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!

Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!

By the way, how did I look in your dream?

Was my hair okay?"

His assistant said,

... "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

Robin D's avatar

Very Funny!

Immediately knew it was a dream at "huge parade of millions celebrating Trump" Lol but in comedy there is truth. That stiff would worry about his hair...and to make sure his face was orange enough. Hopefully when the day really comes true they'll decide to display him in glass like Lenin, and put that bunker/ballroom to good use FOR THE PEOPLE and charge admission to fund the removal of every trace of him from Washington....then they can dump him in one of his golf courses. Melania wouldn't care. She's a movie producer now! 😉

Andy is an early riser and by the time I open my eyes and get here there are hundreds of comments. I know I've left some of my best material here that was never seen. 😂

Annette's avatar

Robin - love the glass case idea . . . people will have somewhere to spit their gum. And perhaps we can hire (or perhaps they'll be happy to work for free) a graffiti artist to "adorn" his display case. BTW, I know what you mean about getting to the comments early, but I do my best to read what's posted when I log in . . . you have great comments!

Robin D's avatar

I miss you Annette ❤ I thought the Lenin-like tomb ballroom was an inspired idea myself 😂

Last.year I used to spend much more time here and I miss it. I just have so many subs now, and have been going to sleep later and getting up later. I had to go no email, and I look at my subs sorted by recent and sometimes I don't get to Andy or Jeff T (sorry Andy, I cheat on you with Jeff Tiedrich too) and there are hundreds. Overwhelming.

Annette's avatar

Likewise, Robin . . . it can be overwhelming, but I enjoy TBR too much to "quit you." It's where I can get my news AND entertainment AND community all in one. But for goodness sake, take care of yourself!

Robin D's avatar

I know. I always love it so much here. 2025 was my "annus horribilis" as the late QEII said in the 1990s.

Hopefully 2026 will be Dozy Donnie's "ANUS horribilis" and it can't happen soon enough. 🙏

Annette's avatar

sending love and hugs for 2026 and a year of peace and happinss

Annette's avatar

if I'm not mistaken, did you post the joke about the black/white film or the color film? Between these two, I'm going to need Poise if I read any more of your posts. Thank you for this, that's exactly what I imagine his funeral would be (of course, no laying in state for him, just put him on the lawn at the site of the recent UFC fight, before they clean up the garbage).

Susie's avatar

While I felt the end coming, it was still the best thing I’ve read in months!!! 🤣👏🏻🤣👏🏻🤣

Judith Richards's avatar

Brilliant 👏 👏 👏

Janeo's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wendy Tucker's avatar

IF ONLY.

And if this did happen, I really do think there would be very public displays of joy. His sycophants would grieve, but they would be so outnumbered. When former presidents (and First Ladies --Barbara Bush, for example) died, even their critics and opponents were polite and expressed condolences. Not this time........Trump is so loathed by so many and when the thick ankles and bruised hands do him in.........first, a sigh of relief and then spontaneous celebrations everywhere. JustaDick would take cover.......

ISOequanimity's avatar

Maybe it’s time to start prosecuting from the bottom up? That’s how we proceeded when I was a middle school guidance counselor, responsible for investigating incidents of HIB (harassment, intimidation, bullying). Outcomes were best when we focused on the underlings instead of the kingpins. It didn’t take long for the house of cards to collapse.

I’ve learned of an additional option: State-level criminal charges for “Misprision of Treason.” 47 can’t pardon state-level charges (even for Miller, Wiles, Hegseth, etc.) and they don’t have 47’s presidential immunity.

“Anyone with knowledge of treason who fails to report it can be charged with misprision of treason, punishable by up to seven years in prison.”

This criminal charge applies to misprision of treason at the state OR federal level. You DO NOT have to be a resident of those states to file formal complaints. I urge readers to consider contacting the following Attorneys General immediately. They need to take action while we still can.

Virginia (§ 18.2-482): Class 6 felony for failing to report known treason within a reasonable time. Email: mailoag@oag.state.va.us

Rhode Island (11-43-3): Explicitly prohibits the misprision of treason: ag@riag.ri.gov

Illinois: References misprision of treason in relation to state treason laws. No direct email address. Use this form. https://forms.illinoisattorneygeneral.gov/Forms/OAG_ContactUs

Additionally, federal law (18 U.S.C. § 2382) criminalizes the misprision of treason against the United States.

(The following states have Misprision of Treason laws but red leadership)

Louisiana (La. R.S. 14:114): Defines it as the concealment or failure to disclose treason, punishable by up to 10 years at hard labor.

Florida (876.33): Defines it as a third-degree felony to conceal treason and fail to report it to the Governor or a judge.

Nevada (NRS 196.030): Category C felony for concealing knowledge of treason.

Dr I Alan Fein's avatar

holy crapola!!! this is freaking brilliant! not only brilliant, but I learned a new word before breakfast - misprision. Thanks so much, and dammit, send this out to every blue legislator, DA, whoever might put this to good use. we have to save our republic posthaste, before all is lost. the orange meatball is already planning to cancel the midterms.

ISOequanimity's avatar

🙏 Thank you, Dr. Fein. It’s a new word to me too, and I have no idea how it’s pronounced. Please consider filing formal complaints with OAG in RI, VA, and IL?

Dr I Alan Fein's avatar

had to look this up. Misprision is pronounced as miss-PRIZH-uhn (/mɪsˈprɪʒən/). The word has three syllables: "mis-" (as in mistake), "-prizh-" (rhymes with vision), and "-uhn" (a soft, unstressed ending). It is commonly used in legal contexts, such as "misprision of a felony". thanks again for this!

ISOequanimity's avatar

Thank you, Dr. Fein. This is very helpful!

Linda MacDonald's avatar

Holy crapola #2! Copying and sending out.

ISOequanimity's avatar

🙏 Thank you, Linda! We must remember that the ocean of social change is made up of individual drops.

Linda MacDonald's avatar

That is so true!💕

Laura Allen-Simpson's avatar

Sounds promising. Kinda like finally succeeding in prosecuting Capone for tax evasion!

ISOequanimity's avatar

Exactly, Laura! We must become The Untouchables.

Pamela Johnston's avatar

Wonderful analogy!

Gordon Shumway's avatar

wow - thanks for this concept and for expanding my vocabulary!

Katherine P Duncan's avatar

Andy, how do you keep being clever? Especially before 7:00 am? I am impressed!!

The Rickster's avatar

“Taking away people’s freedom isn’t free.” Wins the internet this early morning.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I have a feeling that Andy is never ever NOT clever. Andy? Do tell.

Sandy Naughton's avatar

What do we call a bunch if thugs (Im writing from the great State of Minnesota)? A bevy? No. A Clutch? No. I’ve got it! It’s a MURDER!

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

Don’t demean the crows!

Sandy Naughton's avatar

I love crows. They would want me to share the name. They’re smart,savvy and more human than the thugs so they’ll get it

BTAM Master's avatar

Andy won "Author Internet for the Day" above. You win "Comment Internet for the Day."

Sandy Naughton's avatar

Woo Hoo! I am honored

Sherie Knight's avatar

Upon hearing of Homan’s demand, President Trump expressed horror and outrage. He immediately called a press conference in the Oval Office. When questioned by a thoughtful looking Kaitlan Collins as to why he appeared so agitated, Trump blurted out ”This is awful, it’s just not right, Tom’s made an awful error of judgment here. Paper bags will never hold that amount of cash, he needs to specify plastic bags. Oh, and everyone will say But Sir, what about the dolphins? I don’t care about football anymore. You know the Democrats paid a billion dollars for Bad Bunny to perform at the Super Bowl, right? It’s a disgrace, people are saying it’s a disgrace. What about Kristi? We could get Kristi to sway to YMCA for way less than that. She’s great, she’s done it before, the ratings were off the chart, like nobody’s ever seen in the history of history.”

Sherie Knight's avatar

It’s amazing and telling that Aussies would be able to name as many/more controversial Trump Cabinet members (Rubio, Bessent, Noem, Hegseth, Gabbard, Mr Measles RFK Jr) as/than Australian Government Ministers. The World’s watching, in horror and disbelief.

Annette's avatar

not the notoriety we were hoping for, but thank you for noticing! :)

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Glad to have you on board the Borowitz life boat, although I'm afraid if this ship goes down, a life boat won't be enough. I only wish more of the American people, especially those with power and money, were watching in horror and disbelief. Always thought we'd die of greed, not stupidity. Cheers!

Tirzah Mason's avatar

Very funny, but way too cogent a comment for Trump at this stage of his dementia. 😆🤣

Sherie Knight's avatar

Suzie Wilkes’s script, obviously! What my response can’t convey is his halted and emphasis driven speech pattern and accompanying twitching and twisting torso

Annette's avatar

he could, however, add this to the playlist that rolls in his brain and comes out, oh, I guess, always . . . when he goes off script.

Tricia Wilson's avatar

If you don’t mind me saying… it is a little scary that you can channel their Dear Leader so well.

(But spot on! 🤣👏)

Sherie Knight's avatar

What’s even scarier, Tricia, is that I’m an Aussie, so I’ve less skin in the game. But even so far removed, I am sickened, horrified and disgusted by Trump and his flaccid enablers.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

His behavior is universally appalling. Knows no national boundaries.

Celia Smith's avatar

Yes! I was thinking the same.

Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> especially the dolphins comment

Susie's avatar

The wandering of thoughts - perfect!!! 🤣👏🏻🤣👏🏻🤣

Bruce Maslack's avatar

But aren’t ICE agents complaining they are being stiffed for their bonuses and pay? They don’t have it to hand over if he’s getting it already beforehand.

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

If true, wouldn't it be great if ICE agents defected????

Michael Bowe's avatar

It would be revolting actually.

Kathy Lee Davis's avatar

they can always use cryptocurrency IOU in a plastic bag . . .

Randy Woodall's avatar

That's their problem. Tom doesn't care. Better give him his money.

Nancy Salamon's avatar

The big irony is that the gIECstapo thugs only get the $50,000 sign on bonuses AFTER 5 years. This means never, since surely,please God, Trumpstein will be out of power… These guys will realize how utterly they’ve been duped. Boo hoo.

Mary Best's avatar

And if the thugs think they're clever enough to sue the federal government for the bonuses, they'll out themselves. Yes, discovery is a b!tch

Michael Bowe's avatar

Apparently, they get $10k/year after taxes, and if they quit before five years, they have to pay it back in pre taxed dollars.

Nancy Salamon's avatar

Is $10,000 the going price for a soul these days?

Kathy's avatar

Money makes Tom Homan go around 🎶

Kathy's avatar

Tom’s a ho, man

Annette's avatar

<appreciative applause>

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Me, too. Clapping clapping clapping.

Frances López's avatar

Personally, I think Mr. Homan would gladly accept a few bottles of Jack Daniels instead. The tell: His W.C. Fields nose.

Jay F's avatar

I often envision Fields playing Trump as one of his con men.

Michael Bowe's avatar

In "The Bank Dick", W.C. had a woman say "You mustn't make fun of the man's nose. You'd like to have nose like that full of nickels wouldn't you?"

Frances López's avatar

And who can forget Carl LaFong?

Michael Bowe's avatar

No I don't know Carl LaFong, Capital L small A, Capital F small O, small N, small G.

And if I did know Carl LaFong I wouldn't admit it!

Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

There is something about that number...$50,000. That could get a lot of Gen Zers out of their parents basements! Or feed some kids...childcare. Oh, silly me. Why would we want to HELP anyone? Where's the fun in that?

DebbieM (OH)'s avatar

Well now ICE agents know how we feel. I've participated in several protests and am still waiting to be paid. I've even had to make my own signs. This corruption is an outrage.

Annette's avatar

You're absolutely correct, Debbie ~ as a "paid agitator" I'm waiting for my payment. In the meantime, I've had to hand over my social security money for posterboard and markers, AND buy my own Dunkin'. Pffft! So unfair!

Robin D's avatar

You mean they didn't give you the beautiful, professional ones with the leather panels and you had to make your own? Time to sue for a billion Annette! 💰 Learn from him. None of that small claims court shit anymore!

Annette's avatar

huzzah, Robin ~ someone in customer service will suffer my wrath <snort laugh>

Franca Garofalo's avatar

When I heard Pedo-in-chief describe the signs I thought he was impersonating Colbert when he starts his Meanwhile bit. Who has ever heard of signs like that?

Robin D's avatar
3hEdited

I know. How does he dream this stuff up? Maybe Stephen Miller is screwing with his mind on purpose so they can declare him insane and have JD (and him) take over the presidency for real? This is when I wish they could really look into his demented brain and see what's there. He's not smart enough to impersonate Colbert, and has no sense of humour.

Celia Smith's avatar

Good one, Robin! I'm saving up my own $$$ for the leather panels, since I haven't been paid yet either.

Janeo's avatar

Annette, unlike Melania, I do it for free. 😁

Wendy Tucker's avatar

He probably has some markers he'd give you. For a price. But you couldn't tell him how you planned to use them.

Maureen's avatar

Can you even believe how corrupt and sick this administration is? Obama got barbecued for wearing a tan suit. Better days ahead, I pray to God.

RJM's avatar

Thought: when the weather warms up, protesters should wear tan suits if they have one. And Obama buttons too.

Barbara Elder's avatar

“Taking away someone’s freedom isn’t free.”

I will be using this!

Glenn Sills's avatar

Do you ever get a feeling that the Trump administration is a sitcom by Mitchell Hurwitz, the guy who created "Arrested Development"? If people were not dying in real life it would be hilarious.