586 Comments
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Andy Borowitz's avatar

When that day comes, how do you plan to mark it?

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Lynette Mason's avatar

Dancing in the street with those millions who don’t attend.

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Ellen Mandel's avatar

Like the night of 2008 election, when we learned Obama had been victorious!!

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Johanna Smith's avatar

That was truly an amazing time. !!

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Roger Fradenburgh's avatar

It was indeed! I was on the road with a coworker who was also a good friend, and we sat in the hotel lounge going, "Holy shit! This is actually happening! WOW!!"

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Johanna Smith's avatar

Lol! In this one particular instance, I actually think Trump's prediction is right on!

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Janet W.'s avatar

What a great day that was. Friends and I celebrated together and had tears in our eyes-a physical wave of joy. One of those friends passed away suddenly a week ago at age 71. We had just talked about the stress trump is causing untold millions (including members of our families) and that we had to live long enough to see his demise!! Totally distraught.

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Johanna Smith's avatar

That's definitely my goal, although I'm not hoping to live just until then. I'll be 75 in January. I have frequent wondered if I'd outlive this shit show!

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Janet W.'s avatar
2hEdited

I am willing myself to live long enough! Skim the headlines once a day, make a couple of comments and shut off all the noise and do real activities like in the "old" days before the world was infiltrating our brains 24/7. Thank God for pickleball . . . . therapy with a paddle and orange ball that represents "someones" head :) I was instantly addicted starting about 8 years ago and have now compiled a bunch of fabulous groups of people who we would have never known. We keep each other sane!

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B Dodson's avatar

Me too. I'm with ya! I want to dance in the streets, and holler woo hoo with all the celebrators. He causes so much pain each day. To people, to animals, to the planet... there is no one he does not harm. I am so sad for America. How did we get to this point where a swath of the country thought electing him would be a good idea??

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Judy Lykins's avatar

I feel like this was written by me!!

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Hey Johanna, I will be 78 in January. We will survive to see the end of this shit show!

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

Nancy -- I'm older than you are and I will do everything possible to live and celebrate the death of this evil evil creature.

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Annie's avatar

I'm so sorry about the sudden loss of your friend, Janet. As humans and people who've lived most of our lives in what we believed to be a solid democracy, we are not wired to live under the stress of this horrible regime.

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Sheri Drisac's avatar

My heartfelt sympathy to you, Janet, for the loss of your dear friend.💜🫂

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I think all of us feel the stress. Please, please everyone, take care of yourselves. A walk, some meditation, talking about anything but trump with friends. Just take care of yourselves. We are all in this together, and we will get through it.

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Robert E.'s avatar

Boy did the tears of joy flow from me for Obama. A positive, joyous, thinking man. The polar opposite of "The Decider", liar, dufus and war monger "W".

The enormity of our world Trump-free is entralling.

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KHKate's avatar

Pass the Pappy Von Winkle!

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Sheri Drisac's avatar

Yes!!! It was a glorious and uplifting time!!!

Such a wonderful person & such a great President in so many ways!!!

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Rebecca Warner's avatar

My husband and I hugged each other in joy, and I said, "He makes me feel safe." He had so many stellar attributes, and his calm, intelligent, mannerly and thoughtful approach to everything was so stabilizing.

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LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

In agreement with you!

"It's just an invitation across the nation

A chance for folks to meet

There'll be laughing, singing and music swinging

Dancing in the street"

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Sheila's avatar

Martha and the Vandellas, if I recall correctly. Perfect.

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D ODonnell's avatar

You’re Right on. 💪🏼💪🏽

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Janice Weber's avatar

I remember them and yes, they are perfect 👌 as you are! Thanks for this.

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Dale Goldfarb's avatar

Absolutely perfect! 😍

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Sally's avatar

My first karaoke song. 👏🏻

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Susan G Unkert's avatar

None of us can wait for that date to come!

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Penny Pawl's avatar

ME TOO!!!!!

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Olivia Ward's avatar

But they should carry a wooden stake. Just in case.

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steve's avatar

Lots of garlic and a crucifix too! Take no chances!!

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Marmo's avatar

I'll be doing a Happy Dance for weeks - once I know that he's gone for real.

I wouldn't put it past him to fake dying just to get attention.

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marlyg's avatar

Seems like he tried that, only problem is he got another man killed in the process.

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Hilary Ransdell's avatar

I’ll fall on my knees and thank God; then I’ll get up and bake a celebratory cake.

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D ODonnell's avatar

With Prosecco for all! Champagne just too expensive.

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

I've got champagne, left over from my brother's wedding. Marriage did not work out, but I still have the bubbly.

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Jayne Spence's avatar

A sigh of relief and huge gratitude. The world will celebrate the day.

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Laura F. Pasik's avatar

"Ding dong the witch is dead!"

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Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Too bad it’s hard to fit “sonofabitch” into the song to replace “witch.”

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

"Ding dong, the bastard's dead"? Scans pretty well.

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D ODonnell's avatar

That’s it.

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Much better.

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

It scans perfectly. Let us all compose additional lyrics.

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Double-A's avatar

you can drop the 'sonofa', you know?

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Julia Varney's avatar

Or just go straight to c--t.

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M. B. Weston's avatar

Probably on my knees in prayer, thanking God that 45/47's days of destruction are done.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

In honor of the world’s greatest witch hunt, my first act will be to sing “Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!” Then I will play the Spotify playlist “For When It Happens!” If the stars align, his funeral can be the first event in the Trumpstein Ballroom! As a 12 year old I recall many people shocked that Jackie Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis only 5 years after JFK’s assassination. Melania will move on much sooner!

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Emilie Quast's avatar

You think she hasn't already prepped for the day?

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Of course she has planned! But unlike Nancy Reagan who planned out Ronnie’s funeral to the last detail, Melania’s plans revolve around what to wear, who to bring as a date and getting the estate out of probate so she and Barron get their fair share before Don Jr, Eric and Javanka steal it all!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Oh, well-snarked, my friend!

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D ODonnell's avatar

“Who to bring as a date!” Classic.

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William R MEYER's avatar

I would be willing to take odds on whether or not she even shows up.

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Penny Pawl's avatar

burial at a golf course probably!!!! Florida deserves that.

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Suzanne's avatar

A pay toilet should be installed over his burial site. That would help to raise funds to restore and rebuild what he has trashed.

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J Cheng's avatar

you win!

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Clarke Shaw's avatar

An excellent suggestion

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

This is one of the best ideas I've ever heard. But maybe instead of pay toilet, a place for dogs to pee & shit? No charge.

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D ODonnell's avatar

What a great thread, peeps. Well-done, people!

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Julia Varney's avatar

Genius.

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Jim Yoder's avatar

With his head above ground and his pursed lip expression used as a golf tee off the 1st hole!

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

He’s already gotten approval to be buried at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. His first wife Ivana is already buried there, but I imagine he will have a separate shrine elsewhere on the property. He must have planted Ivana there for the sake of their kids? Or a special tax break for cemetery plots?

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Jacqueline B Noble's avatar

He already gets tax breaks since wife 1 is buried there .

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Exactly!

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

Poor old Ivana. She's in a gold casket--of course. Just like the tasteful (sic) decorations he has plastered on WH walls.

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Elaine Young's avatar

don't curse Florida with that - there are plenty of people who will celebrate too!

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Jim Dygert's avatar

If she’s not in jail…

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Lisa Botwinick's avatar

I heard she has a boyfriend several years ago!

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BTAM Master's avatar

We are taking dance lessons in preparation.

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flo chapgier's avatar

I shall cry. My whole family will too. We then shall have margaritas for comfort.

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Natalie Parker's avatar

Tears of joy, I assume....

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flo chapgier's avatar

you might be right Natalie 😳

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Frances López's avatar

I will put a large cardboard sign in my front yard: "HE'S DEAD," & pop open the bottle of prosecco chilling in the fridge. I want my across-the-street neighbor to see the sign, then maybe offer him a glass of prosecco if I'm feeling "cheeky." He's a MAGA guy with a huge Trump flag flying in his yard.

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John Petersen's avatar

Golden showers, of course. Trump loves gold.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

On his grave, I assume?

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Jim Yoder's avatar

🤣

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Janet Brittle's avatar

John, thank you for making me laugh out loud! The visual is perfect!

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Pradnya Sikand's avatar

A day of Thanksgiving and relief that our long national nightmare is over 🍁

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Lynn Tuohy's avatar

But we will gladly tackle the work to be done reassembling our country and lives.

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Luke's avatar

I have a beer in my refrigerator. Every morning, I open my iPad and am disappointed. One beautiful day I will live the old adage that beer is the best breakfast beverage.

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Peaceful Mary T.'s avatar

I haven't had a drink since 2015, but I may just have one on the most momentous occasion of his death, which I hope is soon (for our sakes) but slow and painful for him! I'm not an alcoholic or anything, so I can do it without anything bad happening physically or spiritually. It might just be a really well-deserved gin & tonic for all my suffering lo these many years!

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the morning hope followed by another day of 'oh well....... maybe tomorrow.'

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Tess Enfield's avatar

With a huge sigh of relief.

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

USA USA USA USA...

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Nadine Faith's avatar

Singing that wonderful song from the musical "Scrooge" with Albert Finney - Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me."

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Bobbie75's avatar

Well I certainly can’t wait.

Will his sons sell tickets to spit on his grave? They make money off of everything else, why not Dad’s funeral.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

People will want to visit Trump’s grave at his Bedminster, NJ golf course. They will share a beer with him at his graveside. Of course the beer will first be filtered through their kidneys!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

😆😆😆 Damn straight!

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Bradford W.'s avatar

Spit wouldn't be appropriate. Remember, the old man prefers gold.

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Robert E.'s avatar

I'd pay extra for the urinate on grave upgrade.

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Gail Murdock's avatar

Most likely.

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lizzienw@aol.com's avatar

He's right. Millions all over the world will be out there celebrating. Millions more will attend the burial just for assurance. I greatly look forward to it.

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Belfora's avatar

That's similar to what I was going to say. Millions will show up to make sure it's true!

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Sam Popkin's avatar

Spot on!

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misia.d's avatar

Yup, my first reaction was to seek verification. Hope he ends up next to a huge eternal windmill that grinds & clears the air. His stone should just say Sir and everyone will eventually think that it belongs to a dog.

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Rita Bramhall's avatar

Good morning, Dear Andy.....This is not satire.....His funeral WILL have the hugest crowd, bigger than anyone else in the history of mankind.....The biggest! And everyone will be dancing in the streets, celebrating, singing his praises for leaving this earth.....In essence we will be dancing on his grave as he will be "down there"......

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Susie's avatar

Well yeah, because everything Andy writes is the truth! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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Betti Franceschi's avatar

Count me in on that gleeful tsunami of celebrants! (Cannot use the word mourners in this context.)

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Allyson Ross Davies's avatar

Love ‘tsunami of celebrants’!😆

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Deb Smith's avatar

May that day come ASAP. His funeral will only be larger because millions will come to cheer and celebrate!

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Gwendolyn McEwen's avatar

I second the motion for ASAP.

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Pamela Massey's avatar

Is there any possible way we could get started on this record setting funeral now!! I mean, something of that magnitude surely will need a great deal of preparation! Tell you what, Donald, you supply the body and there will be no short supply of those willing and able to dig the grave!! No need for thanks, it will be our pleasure!!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

I mean, hey, pharaohs put years into preparation. It be best that we get started right away!

(The pharaohs part is just to soothe Demented Donnie into thinking he'll be acting kingly... and NOT meaning that we'll have years of his treacherous ass to go, Gods forbid!)

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Harvey Perry's avatar

Trump is building his gaudy ballroom, just as pharaohs built pyramids. where his corpse will lie in state and people can pay to see his solid gold casket. It would be worth it to me to pay for admission if it is an open casket and I can make certain that he is dead.

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Dana Campbell's avatar

How would you tell if he was alive or dead just by looking? 🤔

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Poke him with a BBQ fork. A nice hard jab.

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Dana Campbell's avatar

Sort of like driving a stake through his heart?

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Cindy's avatar

Are we sure he's going to be buried? Lenin's body has been on display in Moscow for most of the last 100 years. It seems to me that Trump would not want to deprive the world of seeing his perfect physical specimen for all eternity. (Hopefully, this doesn't give anyone any ideas!)

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

It would be wonderful. He could be embalmed and/or stuffed and preserved, but without his spray tan or his wigs. Maybe buck-ass naked? We'd all see the little mushroom dick that Stormy described.

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Judy Lykins's avatar

He’d have lots of visitors - some to mourn and most of us just to make sure he’s dead.

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Mary K's avatar

I think he really wrote this - it sounds just like him. Well, the whole world will be dancing in the streets, so he may be right. I'll just be in profound gratitude to mark the day.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Everything I write is true.

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DonHolt's avatar

I have the Borowitz hit! "Andy Was Right About Everything"

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Mary K's avatar

Oh, I know!

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

Andy! Never doubt that we trust you implicitly. You are able to combine wit, sarcasm, humor and unadulterated truth in a single sentence. We Are Grateful.

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It's Come To This's avatar

Well, let's test that theory REAL SOON, shall we?

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Robert's avatar

I’ll take a pleasure cruise in the Gulf of Venezuela

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Oh, smack! Good one!

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HJ Michaels's avatar

That’s because millions (probably billions) of people around the world will be celebrating. Might even have fireworks. His funeral will be the day he FINALLY Makes America Great Again.

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Susie's avatar

Niiiiiiice!!!!!!!

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JAMES LEE FLEMING's avatar

If it Thy will dear Lord, may that Blessed Day be soon🙏. Tomorrow at the latest.

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Dawn Kucera's avatar

Nah, I want him alive long enough to see what he has wrought. dreaming of him doing a perp walk is far fetched, I agree, but I want him to at least see the 2026 Blue Wave.

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Joan Wetherell's avatar

No matter how much damage he does, he will never see it at that. His sociopathic ego will see everything he has done as beneficial. That is one thing that cannot be changed. And I really don’t care. I just wish he would go. Maybe the Saudis will get discouraged with him and chop up his body and bury it in the desert. I don’t even care if they put a pyramid over it. As long as it’s really down there.

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

Trump better be careful and never speak ill of the Crown Prince...

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Elaine Young's avatar

Or possibly the cartel.

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Mary-Jean Miner's avatar

That would actually be a NATIONWIDE CELEBRATION…can’t come too soon! Oh, sorry, that might be over the top. Maybe not….

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

It will be a WORLDWIDE CELEBRATION!

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marlyg's avatar

I believe it would be worldwide, actually!

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

it absolutely would.

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Gail E Hofmann's avatar

Definitely not!

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Ellen Ayres's avatar

He’s right. But they’ll all be celebrating.

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Michael Updegraff's avatar

Well, not “all” will be celebrating. Remember that almost half of this country voted for him. Surreal and disgusting, but true…

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

Only a third of the country is still with him.

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Michael Updegraff's avatar

Too late. The damage is being done. And three more years of it. They should have expected this.

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Carole Nemnich's avatar

There will be massive parades, bells will ring, school children will cheer - it will be the most massive turnout ever - the likes you have never seen before. Strong men with tears in their eyes will say, “Sir, it’s about time.” Women will pee on his grave, dogs and cats will frolic, people in shithole counties will rejoice. Munchkins will sing,”Ding dong the asshole is dead”. I will let out a ‘uge’, nay, bigly sigh of relief and start to breathe again.

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Cantankerous Cat's avatar

Women will pee on his grave! Choice! My daily check-in on his impending death awaits!

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Margaret MacKenzie's avatar

The heavy sigh of relief I’ve been wanting to exhale for 10 years will be my reward when DJT goes to his special corner of hell.

In the meantime, I’ve decided that in 2028 I will vote for the candidate who promises the fastest turn around time for bringing back Jackie Kennedy’s Rose Garden, rebuilding the East Wing and ripping the faux gold appliqués out of the Oval Office.

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misia.d's avatar

The gold stuff gets put on ebay asap! Proceeds can go to a reborn Dept of Education.

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Harvey Perry's avatar

and demolishing the gaudy ballroom.

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