163 Comments
User's avatar
Alan's avatar

Andy -- Is it true that Hunter's time travel vehicle was a Tesla truck manufactured in Ukraine by his friend Zelenskyy?

Expand full comment
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Need to investigate further but that tracks

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Time-travel software by Zuckerberg?

Expand full comment
Alan's avatar

John -- It's Meta's AI (Authentic Idiocy) time travel software. 😜

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

🤣🤣 👍 👍!

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

Doctors initially diagnosed Trump as having ass spurs but then realized that the spurs were JD "Couchman" Vance's and Mike Johnson's heads

Expand full comment
It's Come To This's avatar

Farther, boys! Farther! Put some manly love into it! Thoughts and prayers! 🤪

Expand full comment
Linda MacDonald's avatar

😂🤣😂🤣😂

Expand full comment
Margaret Zwald's avatar

they are contagious! Get a vaccine!

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

Nah, vaccines won't work. Trump needs to use bleach.

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

And a light up his rear.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

-that would just fall into the vast cavernous space!

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar
1hEdited

With a light up his rear, one would only see a big stomach and the top of his skull. No guts, no heart, no brain!

Expand full comment
Jonathan Aborn's avatar

Malignant bone spurs, the worst kind. Thoughts and prayers.

Expand full comment
Suzi Harkey's avatar

Everything you say is true!

Expand full comment
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Yes—finally an explanation that makes total sense.

Expand full comment
Suzi Harkey's avatar

Hahahahaha

Expand full comment
Frank D Repp's avatar

How many paint stores were sold out of white wash to cover Epstein repot?

Expand full comment
Margaret Zwald's avatar

Stores had to supply gold paint for the WH so no room for whitewash.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Home Depot did not get any of that business---too many ICE agents scared everyone off!

Expand full comment
Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

Sniping at Bidens is a waste of time and another distraction, methinks. We have much bigger daily problems with the Rump administration.

Can bone spurs travel to the brain?

Expand full comment
Harvey Perry's avatar

Only if they are carried by worm.

Expand full comment
Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

Aah, yes. Didn't RFK Jr have something to do with worms in the brain? BTW, I recently called his office and left a message: 202-690-7000.

Expand full comment
L. R. Abramson's avatar

I googled the number, curious to see if it's the "real," sort-of private number to the Secretary or a number for the public to leave messages. It's the latter, but the fun thing is that google's first offering names Donna Shalala.

Perhaps, Judith, you'll share what you said? Or let us know if you receive any sort of response?

Expand full comment
Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

I don't think I got the number from Google. IThere was no mention of Shalala. In fact, the number I initially got (I forget how) was wrong, and a message told me to call the 202-690-7000 one instead. I left a phone message about RFK Jr's incompetence and insanity and the fact that he's leaving us all at risk. Short and sweet.

I don't expect any answer - didn't leave a callback - but I intend to keep using that number and clogging up their inbox!

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

If it works like his brain, it doesn’t actually record messages, it just claims to.

Expand full comment
Jocelyn B's avatar

Excellent! We could all help with that.

Expand full comment
Mark Lip's avatar

Thank you, I'll call. Can anyone set up a Robocaller for that number?

Expand full comment
Al Keim's avatar

Try 202-867-5309

Expand full comment
jb from Weston's avatar

"Mailbox full", Al...

Because of my blind faith in you I [uncharacteristically] immediately dialled.(!)

If you're so inclined, you might tell us what the number supposedly goes to (RFKjr office?). Outgoing message doesn't say, and prefer knowing with more certainty -- before leaving suggestions for someone to remove his head from his arse -- to whom I'm speaking. It really wouldn't be fair to say that to the hardworking staff at "D.C.'s Finest Pizza"...

-----

Oh nevermind! I should have suspected, since it was you listing it, after all. I just googled it. You got me good, LOL. One of many black holes in my cultural upbringing. Thanks for contributing to my education. And for reaffirming my lack of trust! 😁🤣

Embarrassed by my ignorance, but will let this stand. At least for now. 😉

Expand full comment
Brenda Reiss's avatar

That's where they originally came from. He was born with them in what ever brain he has

Expand full comment
Marianne Burbank's avatar

I was thinking that maybe they could travel to the heart…And pierce it…Or maybe that is where they began which is why he does not have a heart…It’s all bony spurs…Or as some would say…He’s Hard hearted…

Expand full comment
Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

Dear Marianne, By now everyone with half a brain knows what he is. Why waste a single moment of time speculating about a new way to categorize him? I've decided to stop trying to come up with new shots at him and spend more time finding out what to DO about it all!!!

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

Like the Wizard of Oz in one character, no heart, no brain, no courage, needs to go back home.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Trump in ruby slippers? There's a visual for you.....

Expand full comment
Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

His cankles would never allow him to click his feet together and neither would his bone spurs.

Expand full comment
bruce schneider's avatar

Yes. Systemic osteospurosis, recognized by the early Greeks in Trojan War draft dodgers, and then again by Osler, who suggested a brain-bone connection. Spurs travel to where they're most needed. No cure for this "disease of convenience," but I've treated two patients with Fosamax, which at least keeps spurs in their place.

Expand full comment
Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

I was being facetious. Who knew?? Thanks!

Expand full comment
Kathy Beaudry's avatar

And only if one has a brain.

Expand full comment
The Rickster's avatar

Can a dead bear ride a bicycle?

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Only if said bear is a zombie! Ask the Trump administration--so many of them there!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Yes, metaphorically. There should be an entry in the DSM...

Expand full comment
Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

Andy when you posted on FB the quotations from the two yutzes threatening fisticuffs in the WH parking lot (formerly the Rose Garden) I had to pause because you were demonstrating a truth is stranger than fiction and even more bizarre than anything you could have thought up. So Hunter getting into a Tardis (obvs with the most recent iteration of The Doctor, given the white outrage about him) and inserting the drawing kind of makes sense.

Expand full comment
It's Come To This's avatar

The two yutzes….gonna have to remember that!

Expand full comment
Jocelyn B's avatar

Or, just possibly, the most recent Doctor is a bleached blonde white woman. Which, in this context, is quite worrying.

Expand full comment
Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

True--but at least Billie ditched her fascist hubby once his political opinions became too much for her to bear. I suspect he was abusive in other ways as well . . . Shame he was such a good foil for Kevin Whately in Lewis.

Expand full comment
Thomasina Levy's avatar

Andy, you brighten my mornings in these dark times. “Dr. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.”—priceless.

Expand full comment
Al Keim's avatar

Board certified.

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

He SHOULD be “certified.” And put somewhere he can’t do harm to himself or others.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Prescription: white coat, lo-ong sleeves!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

<standing ovation>

Expand full comment
Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

Must’ve been a wooden board certification. One that hit him over the head to try and force the worms outta his brain.

Expand full comment
Pat Ebervein's avatar

tRump is confusing the computer version of laptop with the thing some men pay for. Totally not a surprise.

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

🤣 Oh he would make that confusion. Thx for the chuckle.

Expand full comment
Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

Ahh, those bone spurs! Rolling around his cranial cavity through his Syphilis Swiss Cheese Brain! Hitting the "Biden did it" sweet spot like a ball in a pinball machine!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Ding-ding!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

excellent description, Kathleen - so vivid!

Expand full comment
It's Come To This's avatar

Dear Andy, despite everything — and I do mean EVERYTHING taking place in our fucked-up little Potemkin Village of a country this morning, you made me laugh — out loud. Thank you!

Expand full comment
Lucy K.'s avatar

Another funny report, but I've already seen posts on Facebook quoting part of this, just about the hand spurs, and people thinking it's factual. For many the line between truth and satire is lost. 🙄

Expand full comment
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Everything I write is true.

Expand full comment
Lucy K.'s avatar

Apparently (possibly that will be quoted as well). 🙃

Expand full comment
L. R. Abramson's avatar

It sure is. Ask anyone.

Expand full comment
Larry Williams's avatar

Hand spurs is what is causing all that bruising and subsequent bad makeup.

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

Can’t figure out why the Barbie Dolls and Vance can’t help him do a better job of covering it up.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

They hog all the make-up and use it up all for themselves.

Expand full comment
Patty Bohart's avatar

Wow! Investigative journalism at its finest!

Bravo to you, Andy!

Expand full comment
Cecilia Rodriguez Griffin's avatar

Why was I so quick to believe he said that? 🤭

Expand full comment
Glen Colton's avatar

“Hand Spurs”🩷🩷🩷

Expand full comment
Bradford W.'s avatar

Does that account for his tiny hands?

Expand full comment
Allan Komitee's avatar

Thought that was “little MARCO “

Expand full comment
Hank Greenspan's avatar

Aye, but it's not the laptop, laddie, it's the the stones in Inverness.

Expand full comment