440 Comments
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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Best case scenario: it’s like when Trump went to Penn and didn’t show up for any of his classes

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Judy Fern's avatar

And he made them swear that they wouldn't ever disclose his transcript.

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Phil De Luca's avatar

Worse. He filed preliminary papers to Penn Wharton Fordham and the Military Academy that he would sue for billions if they ever released his grades or class rank

The greatest put down of Trump would be to publish his grades. Then call him the dumbest low I Q president in history. “Low IQ Trump”

That alone would destroy him.

Cant you say in your podcast Andy that you have heard from many people that Trump actually ranked near the bottom of his class at Wharton and he never took Econ 101?

If he threatened to sue then he’d have to release his actual grades to prove otherwise

Also why not publish a copy of the lawsuit that was filed by woman who sued Trump and Epstein for rape when she was 13? The facts were supported by witnesses that worked for Epstein.

“Trump raped me when I was 13”. Quote from lawsuit that Trump threatened her life if she ever told anyone. And she either dropped case because of his threats or was paid off aka Donnie PECKER friend

It’s the truth and I’ve read the salacious case and facts.

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Marc Emory's avatar

Trump's IQ must be be REALLY low. I have a low IQ, and I graduated cum laude from Penn, so his must be somewhere between ½ and ¾ .

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Mary Roeser's avatar

1/2 is overstating it by quite a large margin. The best that can be said is that houseplants have higher IQs than Donnie Demento, no question about it.

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John Townsend's avatar

Especially cacti, since he's so prickly and full, not with water, but

a darker yellow fluid!

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Donna's avatar

Sorry, you are overestimating him. It’s in the negative numbers. That’s what he means when he claims it is “off the scales.”

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Annette's avatar

love the use of fractions (only fractions, no whole numbers)

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

What do you consider low? Cum Laude? Good show!

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Marc Emory's avatar

Well, plenty of people tell me I'm an idiot. They can't ALL be wrong, can they?

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Jodie Pine's avatar

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. That's what I tell myself when I recall my life filled with bad decisions -- I occasionally got it right!

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

sure....Look at MAGA

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Annette's avatar

sub-cum laude

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Herbert Bouley's avatar

Actually at a military academy trump attended they recorded his IQ at 73.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

When it comes to brightness, tRump is about a ½ watt; whereas his spawn Eric is equivalent to a damp match in a dark cave.

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kdsherpa's avatar

LOL!!!

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

someone DID publish a copy of the lawsuit and the description of her rape was horrific. I posted it to my FB page https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1307874124029985&set=pcb.1307874157363315

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Phil, there's no need for an institution to release his grades or class rank. He's flaunted them himself increasingly through the decades: Low grade, low class.

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

The fear of this man over all other predators, politicians is disgusting. As soon as he showed to be a baby-arse idiot (2015) he should have had his records revealed. Esp. with the first obfuscation. What is so contagious about this creep?

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Dorothy, that's the question every reasonably sound, sane person is is asking. That the rest don't see that institutionalization, whether prison or psychiatric, is necessary says that either they are equally ill or are hiding their own secrets. One of my best guesses, at any rate.

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Franca Garofalo's avatar

Is this real? Why isn’t it going viral? I’d say let’s get this out there but if that’s the victim’s real name, she might be in danger.

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kdsherpa's avatar

I understand that she withdrew the suit BECAUSE she was in danger.

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Annette's avatar

what happened to her, there's mention of mail being returned that was sent to her

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kdsherpa's avatar

I don't understand why this didn't get published in major newspapers -- not as "fact", but as "allegation". It NEEDS to be known! And yes, what he did to this child was way beyond a "simple" rape. It was torture and degradation, and shows how this monster REALLY views women, which is far worse than we knew.

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Elene Gusch's avatar

There was quite a lot of press about it at the time. If I remember correctly, it dropped away from the news when the victim dropped her case due to the threats against her. Of course his supporters simply would not believe it.

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Cathy Wampler's avatar

I remember the reporting. I’m sure she was threatened.

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kdsherpa's avatar

Of course.....

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Annette's avatar

that is horrifying

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

I was able to see only part of page 1 of the filing. What I'm imagining follows is more than I care to know. That charge existed is enough.

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Deborah Barnum's avatar

He is our Extortionist-in-Chief.

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alex birman's avatar

Bondi, release the Orange Menace's college transcripts!

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kdsherpa's avatar

Sue Sue Sue Sue Sue

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Ramona Jeffery's avatar

He is the king of frivolous law suits. Basically the scum of the earth.

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Bruce Rocheleau's avatar

Trump went to Fordham before Penn. I am certain that he got into Wharton via a big donation from his father.

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steve's avatar

Lots more of that should be coming!! It is time that the women he violated and democrats "flood the zone" with the facts!!

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steve's avatar

I think we are getting there. Throwing rocks when you live in a fake and evil glass house is always a bad idea.

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Chrisjensvold's avatar

Wow so many bad things to say about dear leader- can’t any of you say something positive about him? It’s a question? Come on I dare you.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Okay. I'm positive he is a criminal, a lunatic, a sexual predator, a psychopath, a sociopath, every other kind of "-path" one can think of, a con man, and an incompetent (in every sense of the word) dodo. My apologies to dodos everywhere.

There is my positive statement just for you.

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Annette's avatar

<standing ovation>

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Barbara Greer's avatar

I've got one: He has not, to date, been seen with his pants around his cankles on the White House lawn. But it's still early in his term.

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Annette's avatar

let the dementia get a little more embedded

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

Positive: He is dying faster.

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Elizabeth Block's avatar

Here's one. He seems to have put paid to the unwritten law that a president must have a dog. A big dog, with a fierce name. For TV/PR purposes. Not cared for by the president or their family, but by staff. Stupid custom.

Can anyone imagine Trump going anywhere near a dog?

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Dogs are excellent judges of character. They have standards. I cannot imagine any dog wanting to have anything to do with him, not even if Donnie Demento tied pork chops around his waist.

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John Townsend's avatar

A dog would bite Trump's leg and immediately die of poison!

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John Townsend's avatar

I don't want to imagine Trump, period!

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

Oh, he has dogs, two-legged ones, bull dogs.

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Chrisjensvold's avatar

Typical —answering a question with another one

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Annette's avatar

for an old, fat man, he doesn't sweat much

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Chrisjensvold's avatar

Annette- Tnx that surely is the upside- glass half full?

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Annette's avatar

not that he deserves that!

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John Townsend's avatar

Ah, no!

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Marjorie's avatar

I've always been fond of Grifter-in-Chief.

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Annette's avatar

Commander in Cheat

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

Like the jerks who caved to him when he had no case. Paramount was cowardly because of greed.

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

It's ridiculous. The ex-human would not win any case just telling the truth. Do it, schools! Join his insane game of exposing proudly everything I've ever done.

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LHS's avatar

Love the "major in art" reference. 😈 And I can tell you this for certain: Nowhere on the Penn campus will you see a sign, a banner or any other indication that DJT ever attended the school. 🤣 That has been true since Trump 1.0, not just since he started withholding Federal dollars from the school.

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Veronika Grimm-Matthews's avatar

How would he have left any sign of his "scholarship" when he cannot even read?

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LHS's avatar

True, but I was referring to the fact that the university steadfastly refuses to advertise that a POTUS attended the school!

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Johanna Smith's avatar

That particularly struck me when he said that the FBI documents on MLK were the worst things he'd ever read. I literally LOLed

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Annette's avatar

he doesn't read <snort laugh>

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Marjorie's avatar

He can put his knowledge of art to use as he remodels (i.e., trashes) The Kennedy Center.

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Susan Barnes's avatar

Question: when the Kennedy Center is renamed for Melanoma, will it feature pole dances and strip shows?

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

it's only the opera space, which matters because we've all been watching Melania's trips to many operas all over the world for many years. Or maybe it's Trump's marital code word for intimacy-"Shall we go to the opera later?!"

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Annette's avatar

<golf clap>

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John Townsend's avatar

Only in Trump's benighted imagination! Might have been if Epstein

had never been caught!

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Kathy's avatar
3dEdited

Trump’s just gonna gold-plate the Kennedy center… crap man with crappie taste

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Lew Crane's avatar

Starting with his black sharpie drawings.

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John Townsend's avatar

There will be so much gold bling, the shine will be so bright, no footlights

or stage lighting will ever be needed!

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

He's already made the oval office pukey.

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Ann Rock's avatar

And, of course, there’d never be a building at Penn with his name on it as you have to DONATE the money for it to be built….

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Alan's avatar
3dEdited

He believes he "aced" the SAT tests (just like he "aced" his dementia screening test in his first term) -- because he had SAT at his desk in his Tower and in the Oval more than any POTUS in history.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Mary Trump said in her book that genius Donald had a proxy take the SAT for him, and that person had died.

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Susan Barnes's avatar

Under mysterious circumstances?

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lougee's avatar

he fell out a window ala putin

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

No, nothing nefarious, just that there’s no way to confirm the story now.

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Al Keim's avatar

Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV cogito, ergo sum.

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Alan's avatar

Al -- that looks like the "5" memory words on his Mini-Mental Status test to me. 😉

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Al Keim's avatar

Hours later they asked him and he got it right! They asked "How do you do that?" We've never seen anything like it.

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Alan's avatar

"Hours later" in his nimble mind.

In realty: The total time for this section of the MMSE, including the distraction period, is generally around 5 minutes.

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Susan Barnes's avatar

I only had to remember 3 words. AP test.

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Al Keim's avatar

I forgot the color "Black" in mine:-)

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readbetweenthelies's avatar

Memento Mori. He can't last forever.

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Annette's avatar

<golf clap>. I'm assuming he also took his ACT tests, because he's acting like a president (but we all know the truth)

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

He acts as president but has never acted like one. More like a mean carny.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Alan, Alan, Alan. (sigh)

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Alan's avatar

Suzanne, It's still mind-boggling that our country twice elected an individual who has accumulated so much power while living in a fantasy land well beyond Disney's imagination. The power of "alternative facts"😧

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

I hear that. God help us all.

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Alan's avatar

And as predicted by many, it gets worse every day. This news is hot off the press:

----------

The Trump administration will propose the repeal of a landmark 2009 determination that climate change poses a danger to the public, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lee Zeldin said Wednesday.

“EPA has sent to the Office of Management and Budget a proposed rule to repeal the 2009 Endangerment Finding from the Obama EPA,” Zeldin told Newsmax.

“Through the Endangerment Finding there has been into the trillions worth of regulations including tailpipe emissions and including electric vehicle mandates,” he added.

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Erik Bruun's avatar

Falling off my chair with laughter! :)

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Jim Carmichael's avatar

Oh, “Veritas” indeed, Andy!

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Sam Popkin's avatar

I’m thinking he’ll change the crest from VE RI TAS to D J T!

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Annette's avatar

and add more gold leaf

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Frau Katze's avatar

You can never have too much gold leaf (according to DJT)!

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Annette's avatar

he takes it "beyond gaudy"

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Sam Popkin's avatar

Mais bien sûr!

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Alan's avatar
3dEdited

Sam : Or in honor of the "free press" and his buddy Vlad -- Very Tass?

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John Townsend's avatar

In Trump's case, anything but "Veritas" or "Truth"

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Bob Graham's avatar

Trump needs to go to Pen today. That is the penitentiary.

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John Townsend's avatar

Amen, brother!

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Hank Greenspan's avatar

This column itself plagiarized. It was actually written by Dershowitz.

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Frau Katze's avatar

lol 😺

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Today's TBR dispatch from the front shines a light on a simple solution. What the U.S. needs is a new president, right? It's right there in b&w: President Alan Garber! No need to search around. Just go for it and then we'll see.

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Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

Maybe it would be just for the Extension School, you don't have to be accepted, but it is still Harvard. They have some great courses that would benefit Mr. Trump:

ECON E-1000 Essentials of Economics

AAAS E-122 Understanding Race and Racism

GOVT E-40 International Conflict and Cooperation

GOVT E-1111 Political Corruption

Just to name a few........

I actually got half way through an MA in Biology at the Harvard Extension School. I decided it was too research focused, and would not really help me in my career path. But my professor of the "Behavior of Mammals" course, had my final exam put on file for other students, because he said it was one of the best he had ever seen. A very proud moment for me.

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Bill Morgan's avatar

I know a guy who went to Penn when Trump was there. Saw him in the gym playing basketball. Nobody knew him, had no friends, just a loser

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C K Smith's avatar

My understanding is that to be admitted, a potential Harvard student must be able to read and write, not just draw naked women on birthday cards. I could be wrong, of course.

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The Rickster's avatar

The art of a signature that resembles pubic hair…

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Annette's avatar

as Stephen Colbert commented, we now have pubic hair on every executive order tRump has signed

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LHS's avatar

Oh, that is funny. Colbert unleashed!

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Annette's avatar

I can't stay up that late, but I can certainly watch him the next morning . . . I think the next 10 months will be priceless!

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Marjorie's avatar

These next ten months with Colbert should be priceless. The gloves are off!!

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Annette, you can watch on Youtube a day or two after each broadcast.

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Annette's avatar

thank you! it's priceless material!

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Cathy Wampler's avatar

You need to watch Jon Stewart’s reaction to Colbert being canceled. Very strong.

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

Just ewwww

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Denise Bleak's avatar

Reminiscent of a certain hair on a certain soft drink can supplied by a certain judge to a certain attorney.

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John Townsend's avatar

--or an earthquake off the Richter scale!

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Jean Jacoby's avatar

Well, or maybe be a legacy kid. Then they don't even need to draw naked women. Sigh, the Ivies and other elite schools have a lot to answer for, just not what Trump is talking about. Trump always gets it wrong.

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misia.d's avatar
3dEdited

That might be wrong.

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Hank Greenspan's avatar

I have two Harvard degrees. I am willing to swap one for the Qatari plane.

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J Cheng's avatar

I have no doubt you would get that deal!!

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Barbara Greer's avatar

Only he would not give up the plane once he had the degree. Tradition!

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misia.d's avatar

And what would you like for the other one?

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Hank Greenspan's avatar

Qatar

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

I have one degree from the college that was referred to as the proletarian Harvard. What am I offered?

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Hank Greenspan's avatar

Canada

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

You're on. I love Canada.

Whoa, is it yours to give?

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Hank Greenspan's avatar

Sure. I'll toss the Red Wings and Tulsi Gabbard into the deal. And possibly Detroit which, as you know, is not really America.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Which is?

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John Townsend's avatar

If you did, Harvard just might cancel the other degree!

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Maggie Dunbar's avatar

He wouldn't make it through freshman orientation. Then again, using his map-altering skill, he might start from Mar-a-Lago and end up in the Gulf of America, and never make it to Massachusetts.

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misia.d's avatar

The real question is would he be required to spell Massachusetts?

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Ellen Holmes's avatar

or know that the correct abbreviation is “Ma.” not “Mass.”

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C K Smith's avatar

Oh, wouldn't that be a shame! NOT!!!!

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Annette's avatar

yes!

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Barbara Greer's avatar

Oh, yes he would! Just to check out the chicks! He wouldn't make it to class though.

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Paulette Edelson's avatar

Greatness

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Janice Farley's avatar

Ahhh, another dictator artist. What could go wrong?

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Louis Judson's avatar

FAILED artist...

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John Townsend's avatar

World War III, total collapse......

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Rachel's avatar

I live in Cambridge not far from Harvard, and I think I speak for most residents when I say the stench of Trump would seriously impact our quality of life and cause home values to tank. Thank you Harvard for your bold decision.

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Sam Popkin's avatar

Worse than Revere Beach at high seaweed!

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Steve Lang's avatar

following closely on the heels of their admission of elise stefanik.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Unabomber > Stefanik

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Jean Jacoby's avatar

And Ted Kaczynski also disliked lefties. Only he wasn't pretending.

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Annette's avatar

so he can copy off her tests

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Steve Lang's avatar

😆

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Susan Mongar's avatar

Brilliant, of course. And “veritas” in fragments is the best sign for Donald Trump, who has been tearing apart the truth for his entire life.

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Maureen's avatar

“I will major in art.” Andy, that is so funny. I almost fell out of bed laughing this morning. Keep up the good work, we need you!

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Harriet's avatar

Harvard must reintroduce their DEI (Dumb, Egomaniacal, Idiot) admissions program to allow Trump in.

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Annette's avatar

<golf clap>

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Cathy Wampler's avatar

Brilliant!

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Harriet's avatar

Thank you so much Cathy.

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Paul Snyderman's avatar

Trump's getting into Harvard would have been the deal of the century if only they still had DEI initiatives inclusive of a 78-year-old as a freshman. I'm sure they would have accepted him on the basis of his essay/cartoon submissions.

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Bobbie75's avatar

He doesn’t write drawings.

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Just as he doesn't draw any right conclusions.

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Bobbie75's avatar

Never has. Proof he couldn’t have drawn anything. 🤣

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Linda MacDonald's avatar

😅😅😅OMG! At least hitler painted landscapes. The Austrian art faculty really messed up back in the day. Frankly given the mostly anti-democracy positions of too many in the gop I wonder WTF are law faculties teaching AND where did professional and personal ethics go.

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John Townsend's avatar

They went out when the money, power came in.

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Sally McKinney's avatar

I read somewhere that Trump couldn't get into Harvard even tho his father offered a building. Does anyone know if that's true? But to comment on the article - I'd suggest that Harvard admit Trump if he, personally, takes, passes and publishes his SATs. Good one, Mr Borowitz!

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Mark Lip's avatar

Re his attitude toward Harvard, I’ve wondered the same.

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misia.d's avatar

What kind of building?

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Cherilyn Parsons's avatar

No, he'll end the war if they give him an honorary doctorate. Hahaha....

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Annette's avatar

and release his taxes . . . and concepts of a health care plan?

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LHS's avatar

He would insist on an *actual* doctorate, not a "fake, honorary" one.

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

I don't know about that, LHS. He's more interested in being honored than being accomplished. Having the right to be addressed as and to call himself "Doctor" is all it would take.

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John Townsend's avatar

God, Evolution, or any other deity, forbid!

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

If an honorary doctorate will make him end his war on our country/Constitution, it would be worth it. But, he would renege on the deal. That's what he does...

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Denise Bleak's avatar

Dr. ChickenTacoFatButt.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

In two weeks

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Thomas Snyder's avatar

He’d flunk out

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nacreplus2's avatar

...because his sister, who did his homework for him, has passed away.

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Thomas Snyder's avatar

😄

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Ryan Simmons's avatar

Maybe the University of Michigan could give Trump one of those honorary PhDs... then he could pretend he was as smart as the Unabomber.

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Sam Popkin's avatar

He should be an honorary BFD!

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Please, what means "BFD?" It's not coming to me.

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

Big _deal perhaps?

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Such a gentlemanly response. Y'know, it is very funny that you're replying. I haven't seen your name in a while and, earlier, when I forwarded a TBR link to introduce a friend in Canada, your name came to mind. Unable to say what the connection was, but I told her about you and how, when I started signing in here, I'd see your name and not get it. It took a while for me to catch on. So, "Big_deal" is much like "Hugh Jarce," yes?

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

I was intro'ing the friend to TBR, not to you specifically.

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

Understood. I remember that earlier episode, and I appreciate your allusion to me being a gentleman. I think it's simply that I've used up my lifetime quota of fucking expletives - maybe the current "situation" has something to do with it.

I thought about introducing my cousin, Hugh Janus, but that would be milking it. So I decided against it.

Best.

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Sam Popkin's avatar

Quite right sir.

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Ellie Solo's avatar

Or his famous uncle.

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