378 Comments
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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Matt Gaetz is hopping mad--his resume is a match for Ghislaine's!

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jb from Weston's avatar

"resume is a match for Ghislaine's!"

George Santos's is too.

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Sean M Carlin's avatar

Who has roofied more victims?

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

It's close

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Oh, definitely G.M.

(But isn't she way too old for the position? 63, for god's sake; she'll have to be completely made over to be seen anywhere near Donald.)

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Ann h Robinson's avatar

Especially, her lips. She definitely needs a new lip job. Prison lipstick won't do at all.

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Peter Scott's avatar

The prison “lipstick”, is in fact, cellmate applied lip tattoos. With enough cash (or Trump crypto) she could obtain the MAGA-Lago look;

High, firm overfilled cheeks, taut skin, an elevated hairline, full lips, well defined eyebrows, wide almond-shaped eyes, a strong jawline, a narrow-bridged nose and very white teeth. Intellect might be a dealbreaker.

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Ann h Robinson's avatar

Agreed. But the intellect could be a problem. Also, your fab description could also fit Madonna who no longer has facial mobility.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Like Linda McMahon? Her face looks like a cheap rubber mask.

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Dana Campbell's avatar

Re: Madonna

Has that ever been tested?

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Pamela's avatar

Don't forget the eyelashes and the hair extensions.

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C. Killion's avatar

It’s the total soulless look tho, really belongs with the alligators at that concentration camp.

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Pamela Minich's avatar

Are u describing Melania?

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

Kristi Gnome can advise her on that!

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Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

I don't think she is his type anyway?

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David Gardiner's avatar

Probably not, according to E. Jean Carroll.

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Alan's avatar
6hEdited

"Melanie" is age 55 -- so GM is in his range.

On days when youth is important, there's always Laura Loomer in the wings! 🤔

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John Reiser's avatar

Or Katherine, just down the hall in the White House press office.

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Alan's avatar

John -- were you referring to his puppet Karoline Leavitt?

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Margaret Zwald's avatar

I think you are overstating her age. I think she is 50-51 and bragged that she was not going to do anything about her hair and face.

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Betty Dabney's avatar

Which position are you referring to? Missionary?

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Lynn Tuohy's avatar

How old is the previous AG?

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Alan's avatar
6hEdited

Lynn -- Merrick Garland is 72. And amazingly he's another MG.

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Lynn Tuohy's avatar

Thanks, Alan

I was jumping ahead in time with my question, though. I was asking about Pam Bondi!

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Alan's avatar

Pam "Bondage" is 59 -- which is precisely the average of the ages of GM and "Melanie"!

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

59; Bondi has apparently had a lot of work. All joking aside, it sickens me that women still have to meet this sort of "standard." (Or believe they do.) It's worse than ever, perhaps thanks to the Internet.

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Marmo's avatar

That, Sean M Carlin, would be a very close competition.

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Jocelyn B's avatar

Is Santos smart enough?

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Margaret Zwald's avatar

Oh that made me laugh. None of them have an IQ over 100.

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Alan's avatar
8hEdited

Andy -- Matt's initials are MG and Ghislaine's initials are GM.

Bizarre coincidence or a weird karma between the two?

As usual, TBR is first to connect the dots with the "Pam Bondage" for "GM bondage-facilitator" exchange (which occurred prior to the DoJ trade deadline that's coincidentally one month after the MLB trade deadline). Bravo Andy on your investigative reporting!

P.S. To continue the series of strange coincidences, the AG under Biden, Garland, is another MG!

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

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Bill's avatar

Hugh Jarce...is that pronounced "huge arse"?

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

Bingo! And not to be confused with my cousin Hugh Janus.

Sincerely,

Hugh, not my real name, Jarce.

P.S. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

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Jay F's avatar

Matt who?

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J Cheng's avatar

What a way to finish the week! Thank you Andy!

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alex birman's avatar

He can now be Deputy AG!

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John Townsend's avatar

Let him hop! Into another of our history's bad chapters!

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Jocelyn B's avatar

Ha! LOL!

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Susie's avatar

Ahahahhahahahahahha!!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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John Reiser's avatar

I was ready to predict she'll actually get the job inthe Gaetz Administration.

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ceekaycee's avatar

Because of her unique and extensive experience, which the leader boasted is well connected and very powerful, she will head up the special new division for one demographic - beautiful exploited teens.

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Robert Cadigan's avatar

“President Trump added that Ms. Maxwell had criminal justice experience like no other AG in history. The President noted that it was unfortunate that Roy Cohn and Rudy Giuliani did not live long enough to receive this honor. A reporter from Fox News reminded the President that Rudy was still alive. The President responded, “then who did I bury on my golf course?”

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

He did bury wifey numero uno on a golf course. But not the one at Mar-a-Lago. Some unimportant one in New Jersey--but in a gold coffin.

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Dan Starr's avatar

Probably as much "gold" in that coffin as there was in the "Employee of the Month" award Tim "Apple" Cook gave tRump recently. Watch the video where he sets the thing down on the desk; it can't weigh more than a few ounces. Real gold would be too heavy to pick up with one hand like that.

BTW, I believe the glass disc Tim Apple gave to tRump is actually a CD-ROM containing the complete Epstein file. That's why tRump was frowning in the photos; Tim told him Apple kept a copy for themselves.

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Bill's avatar

You mean the Trumpstein files?

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Olivia Ward's avatar

From her private spa in tRump Tower, wife no. 3 was heard to mutter -- paraphrasing Nikita Khrushchev -- "I will bury YOU." She was smiling.

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Dana Campbell's avatar

Wow! She can smile?

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

Only smiles when she reads the pre-nup but ...... Maybe time to renegotiate it? If anything currently would make him even crazier, this would.

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DEBORAH K's avatar

Of course she can. If Drumph would just die already, she might smile for the rest of her life.

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John Townsend's avatar

The reporter replied, "Don, jr., of course!"

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Susie's avatar

Well done!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🤣

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂

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Adrienne's avatar

I saw that headline and I didn’t see it was TBR and thought omg he actually did it😅

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It's Come To This's avatar

You'd be completely forgiven as life now imitates sarcasm imitates reality imitates...

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Phil M.'s avatar

Reality imitates nightmares.

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John Townsend's avatar

Now, reality is a nightmare!

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Bill's avatar

As we said in the 60's: "Reality is for those who can't handle drugs"

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Amy Cain's avatar

And a circus!

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David Gardiner's avatar

Lately I've sought refuge in the nightmares.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and round and round it goes, where it stops......

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Amy Cain's avatar

…..no one knows except Epstein and he’s gone to somewhere underground (or maybe Not). ???

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Everything Andy writes is true!

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Elene Gusch's avatar

Alternative facts! If they're good enough for them they're good enough for us!

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Of course. Would that little face lie? Never.

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Adrienne's avatar

🤪

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Adrienne's avatar

I mean the thing is, I wasn’t surprised 😳

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Catherine Alvarez's avatar

Anything is possible with this madman.

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marlew's avatar

Ha ha - sometimes I've rolled my eyes and deleted an email and then a few seconds later I furrow my brows and go to the recently deleted folder. Sure enough, it's a report from Andy.

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Christine Duisin's avatar

I don’t think this is out of the question.

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Cathy Wampler's avatar

She’s it a as qualified as any of his other cabinet members.

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Luey Anderson's avatar

Too close to reality, Andy!

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Everything I write is true

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Phil M.'s avatar

Or it will be soon.

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Susan Wells's avatar

Professional lecturers know that if you say something 3 times people are more inclined to remember it. That's one reason DJT repeats himself several times in one conversation. The problem is that he repeats himself so much that he actually believes the BS he spews.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Well, as the wise George Costanza said, "it's not a lie if you believe it."

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Beth McClellan's avatar

What, would anyone doubt the truth of your words?!

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Elene Gusch's avatar

So much truthiness

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Tom Melody's avatar

Andy: your crystal ball must be very good!

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Jay Leonhart's avatar

oh…

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Luey Anderson's avatar

If it’s not true yet, it seems to come true so I agree with you… maybe you can think of something wonderful that we wish for! ♥️❤️🙌✅

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Cheryl Martin's avatar

Which is what makes it so compelling!

Nice to have a chuckle amongst all the tragicomedy!

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John Townsend's avatar

--and with the tear rolling down the cheek!

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Deborah A Pinto's avatar

Isn't that the truth. If Hegseth can be confirmed, my cat, or Ghislaine would be as good an attorney general as Pam Bondi.

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Christina Johnson's avatar

I’d campaign your cat or Andy’s dogs to replace anyone in the Cabinet of Kakistocracy.

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Marmo's avatar

Both Deborah A Pinto's cat and Andy's dog are smarter and kinder and more decent creatures than anybody hired by Dump.

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Christina Johnson's avatar

That goes without saying!

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Mike Sabes's avatar

She may be brighter than Bondi, but that would not take a lot.

Both lack morals and ethics!

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Mike Davidson's avatar

I wish it was your cat! 😼

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John Townsend's avatar

Let's manifest the cat in that position!

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Elliott Winslow's avatar

Yes! One of your best posts ever.

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Michael Burke's avatar

Release the Epstein files.

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Sean M Carlin's avatar

Subtitle: Trump cancels Child Labor Laws

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RoseAnn Ronnan's avatar

Like Sanctimonious Sarah Huckabee

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Janice Farley's avatar

Right. What is going to happen to all the illegal child labor in Arkansas Huckabee/sanders has replacing illegals in that most dangerous business of slaughtering and meat processing.

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John Townsend's avatar

Don't even want to think about it......

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Sean M Carlin's avatar

At least Sarah is a Huckabee, she will pray for you when she kills you!

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂

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Irna Gadd's avatar

Another great edition of TBR.

You’ve really captured just how simple minded he is with “Pam said there’s a client list, and Ghislaine said there isn’t. So I have decided Ghislaine would be better at this job than Pam.”

“If they confirmed Hegseth they’ll confirm anyone” says all we need to know. It’s a terrific line, Andy.

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

👍🏻 x 2. Sooo funny and succinct ❣️

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Erik Staub's avatar

Love the Hegseth slam. Rudy Giuliani is complaining as is Lindsey Graham and Habba . At least we have law degrees all she has info on Fat Donny. The fat Donny is not meant to fat shame it is just what his mob associates call him.

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jb from Weston's avatar

Erik: I thought that was "Donny two-dolls"...

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Erik Staub's avatar

Brilliantly

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Dan Starr's avatar

He's not fat--his physician says he's 6'3" and 215 pounds. He just looks fat because of the all-day NASA diapers he's wearing.

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Marjorie's avatar

and the weight of his cankles

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

And the flab, which is different from fat.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

And the front butt

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Patrick Tally's avatar

Sure, HIS physician said that. How about an actual scale? Change the middle digit from "1" to "7" maybe, it'll be close. True, the diapers ain't helping. Nor the neck-flaps in the wind.

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Robert S Hunter's avatar

But not the height/weight provided by NYPD at his booking. 5’10”, 287lbs.

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J Cheng's avatar

lol

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John Townsend's avatar

Most of fat is under the orange windblown topping!

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Eric and Cynthia Neel Grant's avatar

You know this country's in trouble when Andy's satire and MAGA reality are interchangeable.....

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Italien's avatar

Yep!!👍🏼

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Stuart Simmons's avatar

Since it’s not beyond belief, I’m not going to laugh except I will say it’s laughable

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Kate Decker's avatar

This "announcement" is full of great big guffaws. Much needed. Thanks! :- )

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Heidi Hoogwerf's avatar

Perfect !!!

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Jud dubow's avatar

Well, at last GM has international experience.

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Jud dubow's avatar

Whoops. At least

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John Townsend's avatar

--the very least!

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jb from Weston's avatar

Jud: for easy editing click the 3 dots to the right of your comment.

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

True. I just saw somewhere that the auto maker is moving it's production to Canada.

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John Townsend's avatar

--of the salacious kind......

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