Andy, I took a shot at my own "Borowitz Report" report —
'Tom Homan Investigated for Returning $50,000 Bribe'
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Pam Bondi has ordered Justice Department prosecutors to investigate “border czar” Tom Homan’s return of $50,000 in cash, which he accepted as a bribe from undercover FBI agents in a 2024 sting operation.
“Returning graft goes against every principle cherished by President Trump,” said Bondi in a statement released today. “We won’t stand for it,” she said. “Tom took the money, and by God he should have kept it. Donald would have.”
PM: I’m thinking if he brought the cash to give it back to trump, trump would laugh and tell homan “If I saw a $50,000 bill on the sidewalk, I wouldn’t bend over to pick it up. You peons are so cute.” Then, I’m thinking, he might have it converted to ones and at the next cabinet meeting throw it up in the air and smirk as most of his minions scrambled over it.
Oliver Goldsmith’s 'She Stoops to Conquer’ was first performed in 1773.
Are we suggesting that Melania 'Shtoops to be Conquered’. [It helps if you know some Yiddish.]
I received, but cannot confirm, a review suggestng that if the ‘Melania’ documentary were shown on a plane in flight, most passengers would exit soon after it began running.
In our local Burque Spanglish, we call him "el pinche pendejo." There's probably some great philosophical connection there -- even if the term, though perfectly descriptive, doesn't have anything to do with actual pinching.
Hmmm. I asked my nutty brother “If trump were a paid russian agent, what would he do differently?” His reply: “Why would he accept russian money if he doesn’t take his presidential salary?” I’m thinking there’s a difference between 6 figures and 8 or maybe 9 … but some people are too deep in the muck. If my bro had to choose between jeezus and djt (and, really, he does, doesn’t he?) I don’t know which way he’d go
LOVE psalm 109:8. That’s the one about the little mouse between her legs, right? Vivid! If solomon had only known about brazilian waxes and landing strips …
Your brother had it backwards. Why would he keep his salary when foreign governments have bought over $1B of his crypto? But, of course, anyone sold on MAGA has it backwards about many things.
He’s a good guy. 30 years ago, he had a little crisis, my nutty sister took him to her fundy church, and he had a personal experience with jesus. Might well have killed himself but for that, so hard to wish otherwise. He believes he’s a sage and would make the sacrifice of hours a day directing everybody how to live their lives - he’d have been a model slaver. Diff’rent strokes?
Hey, P.M., This is good!! I started a blog a month ago or so applying some of my well-seasoned (ancient?) experience as a psychologist to daily topics. Been trying to keep politics out of it but it’s so darned hard, so I’m going with the flow. Newest post will be suggestions - not necessarily mainstream - for dealing with the madness. Feel free to read, comment, and follow if you want carolellstein.substack.com. Called Wugjuhsay?
Andy it’s got to be hard sometimes to come up with humor when I’m sure you’re furious but you do it brilliantly. It’s a lifesaver for us to find something funny somewhere in this hellscape. Thank you so much 💕
I can't watch anything on CBS anymore - it is meaningless- no shows, no news - it's like watching Fox - can't do that either. I hope their ratings tank!
And I'm sure you know they did that only because of the lawsuit against them a few years back. No one was supposed to take Sidney Powell seriously, so it wasn't their fault that they promoted her and her lies and conspiracy theories on their platform repeatedly. Their listeners must have been pretty stupid to think Fox was real news was essentially their defense.
But it’s infuriating that fox literally calls itself ‘news’. They aren’t, nor are they adhering to the spirit of that case in which their very defense was that they are NOT news, but entertainment! 😡
And equally infuriating that so many viewers think they are a real news channel. A few years ago I read an interview with a (real) reporter interviewing "people on the street" about the Mueller Report. One mid-aged woman was asked what she thought...she said "well, the president was totally exonerated. It was all fake." The reporter handed her a summary of the actual report which totally contradicted that. She read the main points and gasped. "I've never heard about this," she said. "And where do you get your news from?" he asked. "Just Fox News," she said. Case closed.
Yup. I’m surprised she bothered to read it! So many fox watchers turn away from anything that contradicts what the “entertainment channel” tells them. They only let in messages that conform to trump/fox’s message. The confirmation bias in this country is staggering.
I see the demonstration in the church and have to think of Dr Strangelove, morphed to “This is a church! There’s no moral discussion permitted in church!”
I think all parties involved with Fox “News” should face criminal charges for conspiring to mislead the American people with disinformation, leading to violence and deaths.
Please stop reading our minds. My wife and I were just discussing whether or not the arrest of journalists who were covering the protests would lead to some sort of statement from Fox News.
There are still some actual journalists there and they do occasionally call out the regime.
You how Ted Nugent feels about the 2nd Amendment? That's how I feel about the 1st. Thanks for your support.
Thank you Andy for your brilliant satire that speaks truth to power ! The pen is always mightier than the sword or in this case guns !
Mightier. Maybe. No less fatal these days. Be safe out there in this mad mad world, Andy❣️ We need you❣️
Amen, Andy!
Love this one, Andy!! Once again, you brightened my day!! 😁
Me, too. Thank you, thank you, Andy!
Andy, you may not speak in fact, but you definitely speak in truth.
That's great!!
I love imagining Ted Nugent has Peyronie’s disease. 💩🤡, too.
🙌🏼❤️
Andy, I took a shot at my own "Borowitz Report" report —
'Tom Homan Investigated for Returning $50,000 Bribe'
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Pam Bondi has ordered Justice Department prosecutors to investigate “border czar” Tom Homan’s return of $50,000 in cash, which he accepted as a bribe from undercover FBI agents in a 2024 sting operation.
“Returning graft goes against every principle cherished by President Trump,” said Bondi in a statement released today. “We won’t stand for it,” she said. “Tom took the money, and by God he should have kept it. Donald would have.”
more... https://pmcarpenter.substack.com/p/tom-homan-investigated-for-returning
I love it!
PM: I’m thinking if he brought the cash to give it back to trump, trump would laugh and tell homan “If I saw a $50,000 bill on the sidewalk, I wouldn’t bend over to pick it up. You peons are so cute.” Then, I’m thinking, he might have it converted to ones and at the next cabinet meeting throw it up in the air and smirk as most of his minions scrambled over it.
"... I wouldn’t bend over to pick it up."
Sour grapes: I don't think that he can bend over.
He'd like Melania to bend over, but she only slaps him away!
Oliver Goldsmith’s 'She Stoops to Conquer’ was first performed in 1773.
Are we suggesting that Melania 'Shtoops to be Conquered’. [It helps if you know some Yiddish.]
I received, but cannot confirm, a review suggestng that if the ‘Melania’ documentary were shown on a plane in flight, most passengers would exit soon after it began running.
Shtoops aka schtoops means sexual intercourse! Happy to translate.
At 35,000 feet? Like the passenger who hanged himself in Airplane?
One of my favorite movies. One of the best parts is reading the credits at the end. Don't change the channel. So. There.
Nah, they’d just fall asleep.
Her days of bending are over. Now she thinks she's a movie star. So does he.
Laughing till it hurt!
Ask Putin.
Ding ding! I teed that one up for you, MQ, and you hit it a mile lol
T will lap up anything in front of him- no amount is too small.
Yep. Cheatloaf never met a penny he wouldn't pinch.
-whenever he was pinching some female anatomical appurtenance!
In our local Burque Spanglish, we call him "el pinche pendejo." There's probably some great philosophical connection there -- even if the term, though perfectly descriptive, doesn't have anything to do with actual pinching.
Hmmm. I asked my nutty brother “If trump were a paid russian agent, what would he do differently?” His reply: “Why would he accept russian money if he doesn’t take his presidential salary?” I’m thinking there’s a difference between 6 figures and 8 or maybe 9 … but some people are too deep in the muck. If my bro had to choose between jeezus and djt (and, really, he does, doesn’t he?) I don’t know which way he’d go
Don't wonder, just pray for him!
I pray for Cheatloaf and his minions every night... Psalm 109:8 in particular.
LOVE psalm 109:8. That’s the one about the little mouse between her legs, right? Vivid! If solomon had only known about brazilian waxes and landing strips …
The Presidential salary was a tip compared to the enormity ahead.
Your brother had it backwards. Why would he keep his salary when foreign governments have bought over $1B of his crypto? But, of course, anyone sold on MAGA has it backwards about many things.
It sounds like you really do (know which way he'd go). How are things at your family birthdays and Thanksgiving? Would Norman Rockwell cringe?
He’s a good guy. 30 years ago, he had a little crisis, my nutty sister took him to her fundy church, and he had a personal experience with jesus. Might well have killed himself but for that, so hard to wish otherwise. He believes he’s a sage and would make the sacrifice of hours a day directing everybody how to live their lives - he’d have been a model slaver. Diff’rent strokes?
Fundy church--now, I get it. Oh. Well. Condolences.
That is completely true. He has cashed 13 cent checks:
Google spy trump cashing check
or
https://patch.com/district-columbia/washingtondc/donald-trump-once-cashed-13-cent-check-incredible-true-stories
--and what a reality show that would be!
Like the paper towels he and Melanomia threw to the crowds in Puerto Rico.
I bet that wasn't mentioned in her movie!
Excellent! Great job.
Hey, P.M., This is good!! I started a blog a month ago or so applying some of my well-seasoned (ancient?) experience as a psychologist to daily topics. Been trying to keep politics out of it but it’s so darned hard, so I’m going with the flow. Newest post will be suggestions - not necessarily mainstream - for dealing with the madness. Feel free to read, comment, and follow if you want carolellstein.substack.com. Called Wugjuhsay?
You're hired!!
Perfect.
Andy it’s got to be hard sometimes to come up with humor when I’m sure you’re furious but you do it brilliantly. It’s a lifesaver for us to find something funny somewhere in this hellscape. Thank you so much 💕
P.S. You’re not as verifiably crazy as Ted Nugent is but the analogy is good 😉
This may be another one that will keeps those folks at Snopes employed...
It definitely sounds true!
It's the Bari Weiss part that bothers me the most. I grew up on Walter Cronkite.
Agree!
I had to stop watching CBS after she took over. Cronkite would be appalled, along with Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Ed Bradley, and even Andy Rooney.
I stopped watching CBS when Colbert got fired.
Dan Rather is on Substack now (he’s over 90 and has help). But you can read and comment free.
I remember when Dan Rather would stand up to Nixon in press conferences.
Those days are long gone.
They sure are!
Yes, I follow him on Steady and enjoy his posts
As do I.
I can't watch anything on CBS anymore - it is meaningless- no shows, no news - it's like watching Fox - can't do that either. I hope their ratings tank!
Well, putting them out of business was the point of the takeover.
Maybe next Christmas, their ghosts will visit Bari Weiss at night!
I already have the Little Nazi visiting Karoline Leavitt at night.
Me too.
Me three!
Make that four of us! ...and I suspect there are more if the truth be known.
Me too!
"Bari The Bothersome"! The most charitable nickname for her!
And he sent a reassuring note to Tucker Carlson
even more brilliant than usual, andy!
I love this: “Trump [said], “I would never have hired Pete Hegseth if I thought he was a journalist.””
It’s hilariously spot-on true!
Or Jeanine Pirro, though I guess she just drank and yelled when she was on air. I've only seen clips.
Very unfortunately!
What about the poor folks at Newsmax? Are they safe also?
I should think so.
Very unfortunately, so!
Fascists... First they come for the journalists, the teachers, and the poets, then next...
Got to keep close watch on those Poets!
That is for sure... masters of ambiguity and living the paradox! <s> Very dangerous to a full-of-certainty fascist....
Gulp! Double gulp!
Now that I think about it...why isn't Bill O'Reilly working in the White House? He is SO over qualified.
Nice report Andy!
He’s too old and his now-bony skeleton face doesn’t do well on TV. Check out Chris Cuomo’s Wednesday night program on Fox 31 for proof.
Isn't that what AI is for? Oh, silly me...imagine something fake on Fox!
Oh, the very suggestion!
...as I clutch my pearls!
--and, gosh, I don't have any to clutch--or pawn in this economy!
He’s 76. Getting old but not ancient (I’m almost there myself).
But Frau, he looks like 90!
In the Communications world, we say, “He has a great face … for radio.”
lol 😺
Damn straight.
It’s true. Fox lists itself as entertainment.
Fox calling itself "entertainment" is just as misleading as calling itself "news."
And I'm sure you know they did that only because of the lawsuit against them a few years back. No one was supposed to take Sidney Powell seriously, so it wasn't their fault that they promoted her and her lies and conspiracy theories on their platform repeatedly. Their listeners must have been pretty stupid to think Fox was real news was essentially their defense.
The people who tune into Fox news aren't looking for the truth. They are looking for a convenient lie that enables them to avoid the truth.
Sigh.......
But it’s infuriating that fox literally calls itself ‘news’. They aren’t, nor are they adhering to the spirit of that case in which their very defense was that they are NOT news, but entertainment! 😡
And equally infuriating that so many viewers think they are a real news channel. A few years ago I read an interview with a (real) reporter interviewing "people on the street" about the Mueller Report. One mid-aged woman was asked what she thought...she said "well, the president was totally exonerated. It was all fake." The reporter handed her a summary of the actual report which totally contradicted that. She read the main points and gasped. "I've never heard about this," she said. "And where do you get your news from?" he asked. "Just Fox News," she said. Case closed.
Yup. I’m surprised she bothered to read it! So many fox watchers turn away from anything that contradicts what the “entertainment channel” tells them. They only let in messages that conform to trump/fox’s message. The confirmation bias in this country is staggering.
Old man Murdock testified to that fact. No “news” in the evening, just entertaiment ( fail ! ).
All garbage, all the time!
I see the demonstration in the church and have to think of Dr Strangelove, morphed to “This is a church! There’s no moral discussion permitted in church!”
Often, it may seem, there is not!
Isn’t Fox News a comedy show? Whenever I watch it, and I admit, it should be more often, I come away laughing my head off.
I miss Judge Piro, the voice of reason!
Too bad George Carlin could not have replaced her, I’d be glued.
I think all parties involved with Fox “News” should face criminal charges for conspiring to mislead the American people with disinformation, leading to violence and deaths.
Yes! I would be laughing at fox ‘news’ too, if it wasn’t such an instrument of real harm.
Please stop reading our minds. My wife and I were just discussing whether or not the arrest of journalists who were covering the protests would lead to some sort of statement from Fox News.
There are still some actual journalists there and they do occasionally call out the regime.
Obviously not Steve Doocey...or Peter Doocey.
Or Kilmeade. Or Earnhardt. Or Ingraham.
Or Bartaromo. Or Gutfeld. Or...oh, crap.
That photo of the fox team is squicky smarmy and perfect for the story!
squicky smarmy... conjures up a truly disgusting, creepy image... justifiably so!
They kinda look like an ad for a 1980s family-values-vanilla sitcom…
"You kick the good
and put in the bad
and what do you have?
The Fox and Friends!
The Fox and Friends!"
Where the means,
justifies the ends!
The Fox and Friends!
The Fox and Friends!...?
(parody of "The Facts of Life" 80's sitcom!
Bwahahaha! I forgot about that sitcom 'til you brought it up, but I immediately remembered the silly theme song! Love your adaptation!
The guy with the pink tie looks like a cross between Bob Saget on Full House and Pee Wee Herman on Pee Wee's Playhouse.
He always find the perfect picture!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻