162 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

I’ve heard the ICE agents have done an amazing job of securing Pizza Hut and Dunkin

Clym Yeobright's avatar

One wonders, are the newbies with the $50,000 bonuses paying for the crullers of the 20-year ICE veterans?

Sharon P's avatar

They didn't get the 50K checks (yet)

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Works for me, Sharon. Not sure how it works for their comrades though

Al Gorythm's avatar

Pack a lunch, bro

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Andy…I also always enjoy this, extra little morsel of goodness 😂😂❣️

Barbara Anne Bailey's avatar

So do the ICE agents have to take off their boots, flak jackets, and belts to pass into the airport? No guns, no ammo, no tasers?

Kimberly Swanson's avatar

Yes, because they can’t get TSA Pre-Check. They fail the background checks.

Richard Lane's avatar

But then they wouldn’t be ICE agents!❤️

Robert E.'s avatar

Entry permitted when down to jock strap.

Michael Davias's avatar

And insure that the wadding tucked in there to obfuscate their tiny package

does not contain contraband.

Mary-Jean Miner's avatar

Not even MASKS!? So we will know them by their…??? I can’t imagine…

Suzi Harkey's avatar

Love it!

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

I’m excited to learn TSA personnel

Doing air safety stuff that seems sound.

I had come to believe that the TSA means, aptly:

Thousands Standing Around.

Paula's avatar

Or is it "Terrorists Standing Around"?

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

🎶Hey, Paula, I’ve been waiting for you…”

Sharon P's avatar

Glen if only your name was Paul ;-}

Clym Yeobright's avatar

I hear Disneyland is replacing It’s a Small World with The TSA-ICE Experience: four hours of boredom followed by three minutes of Psycho-level terror (Will YOU be the one shot in the face today?)

“It’s a trump world, after all … It’s a trump, trump world!”

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

Goodness knows that it stings,

Planes are Greyhounds with wings,

Adding ICE-men continues to spoil it.

There’s already the blight

On a six-hour flight

When you’re felled by the smell of the toilet.

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh, caffeine spew and lingering giggles> thanks, Clym!

It's Come To This's avatar

You should see the National Guard in Washington. Thousands milling about in public places, mostly in groups of about 3-4 guys in circle-jerk formation looking at their cellphones, playing with themselves, or both, I dunno. Useful and helpful as tits on a wild boar hog.

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

ICTT,

I guess we’d better get another chit for $200M to The Military. That’s specific enough.

MLK's avatar

Alas, the ask is $200B. That'll buy a lot of lobster and fine office chairs for Hegseth's ass.

Phil M.'s avatar

ICE stands for

Innocent

Civilian

Eliminators

Karen Rodd's avatar

I love you, Andy! Always finding a funny side to the otherwise dark landscape we are facing these days. Thank you! 😂❤️

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Laughter is the best medicine for our dystopian times and Andy Borowitz is a national treasure ! 😂❤️

Annette's avatar

Amen and Hallelujah!

It's Come To This's avatar

ICE is assuming the same place in America as police used to in communist Poland, the butt of endless jokes: Q: Why do police in Poland always travel in 3s? A: One can read, one can write, the other to oversee actions of the two suspected intellectuals...

MLK's avatar

Thanks for the much needed laugh, ICTT.

Pat Ebervein's avatar

I think I've finally found respite from some of the darkness. Just google for videos of babies laughing. Stops the tears every time.

Sharon P's avatar

coco the little dog too

Annette's avatar

omgosh... I just spent 10 minutes watching laughing babies and toddlers saying cute things and it does work! I had tears, but from laughing. :)

Paul's avatar

So, Trumps fully armed, bullet proof vested, well paid and bonused militia are now intermingling with unarmed, unpaid, Transportation Safety Agents and US travelers?

What could go wrong?

Annette's avatar

<appreciative applause>

Jo Burns's avatar

🤣🤣🤣😹

That's above their pay grade. Reading requires hazardous pay.

Linda MacDonald's avatar

Now that these guys are unmasked in airports, high time for facial recognition to be practiced on them! Who are these guys anyway?

Ann Rock's avatar

My thoughts exactly!

Annette's avatar

and Dean Cain, former Superman

Annette's avatar

excellent idea!

Paula's avatar

Iranian terrorists, dressed as ICE Agents, will make flying unsafe for all of us. Whose stupid idea was it to allow ICE inside airports? They should be standing outside in the rain & snow holding signs that say "BE CAREFUL BEWARE OF ICE"

misia.d's avatar

Oh, I don’t think that reason is getting in the way of decisions! I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, in the past I think I might have thought this deployment was a good use of resources, maybe. Now I don’t want to humanize ICE just because they help a kid with his suitcase. Also were they still authorized to haul someone off if they decided they looked “really” bad?

Clym Yeobright's avatar

On Monday people waited five hours in line not to get shot in the face … and were elated. Now THAT is American exceptionalism!

John  (NJ-VT)'s avatar

LOL

There is only one way out…

MARCH AND SPLIT OFF.

THIRTEEN STATES SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

1776, 1991, 2027

If the people of the former Soviet Union can do it, we the sure hell can do so also.

2027 after the stolen mid terms - no turning back.

What a new great nation.

Peace

JOHN (NJ-VT)

John  (NJ-VT)'s avatar

I edited it. 13 regions broke away. Ukraine is still trying to make it fourteen. Thanks for reading!

Charlotte's avatar

The three R’s are not required for ICE, you captured it perfectly

susie margaret ross's avatar

i was chuckling along until i reached your final sentence, when i had to switch to spilling my coffee!

misia.d's avatar

Yes, just when you think it’s safe!

Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

Thanks for the belly laugh about something so infuriating!

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

I’m betting TSA agents are thrilled to have paid armed agents be “trained” to stand around and watch unpaid government employees work their asses off. And the orange fungus instructed republicans not to make a deal unless the repressive Save Act is passed. And they say Yes sir may I have another?