202 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

If only Mitch had been unconscious during Trump’s impeachment.

Christina Johnson's avatar

If only we could render Trump unconscious.

Sandra Nicht's avatar

he already IS he just doesn't know it...

Carla Spackler's avatar

His being incontinent isn’t good enough.

Dan Starr's avatar

I asked google for tRump’s current location. It responded, “in continent.”

Joanne Elizabeth Schulze's avatar

I wonder if Trump knows that.

Annette's avatar

his handlers must (good comment too, Dan!)

Carla Spackler's avatar

I tried not to laugh at that, but couldn’t hold it in.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

We don’t even want him in our continent.

Quizzically Bemused's avatar

Cheatolini being incomprehensible is evidence of multidimensional chess.

Dan's avatar

Would Vance be any better though?

Sharon C Storm's avatar

No, but his popularity is nonexistent. There’s no one who really likes him because he is so socially awkward.

Michael Bowe's avatar

Vance is sofa king weird.

The Rickster's avatar

He’s been endorsed by the furniture industry.

Al Keim's avatar

Upholsterers Unite!

Annette's avatar

but not by the donut coalition

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Absolutely not. My same concern with The Russkie backups.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

I see Trump as popping off in one way or another and the following years as a Democratic Congress sparring with President Vance until the final showdown of the 2028 elections.

Kathy Lee Davis's avatar

Don't think so - that means a No. 2 becomes a No. 1 (just more of the same 5hit!)

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Ah Andy ! If only Mitch had “been unconscious for the entire four decades of his congressional career” You never spoke truer or funnier words ! 😂He really is the architect of the mess we find ourselves in ! However I’m happy you’re conscious and brilliant to keep us all laughing and sane ! 😂❤️

Susan's avatar

👏👏👏👏👏

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

There's a special place in hell for the man who gave us Trump and the Extreme Court.

Stephen Brady's avatar

And Jesse is a national treasure!

Annette's avatar

love Pete, "the troll in the hole in the ass of the country"

Ruth Bromer's avatar

If only he had been unconscious during the Supreme Court non hearing when Obama was president.

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Ha. You must be high again.

Nadine Zdanovich's avatar

As opposed to Mitch acting without a conscience during the impeachments!

Katy's avatar

you took the words right out of my mouth.

Gracie44's avatar

The Wicked Mitch is dead!

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Ding dong. The Munchins are gleeful.

Unsafely Anonymous's avatar

Don't ring the bell until the death certificate is published.

Dan Harris's avatar

Indeed, don't want to get ahead of things. Nevertheless, thoughts have crossed my mind regarding the composition of the funeral pyre when the time comes. I'm thinking coal, tobacco leaves, and road apples, with bourbon as lighter fluid.

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Nah, waste of too many great flavors. Still with coal & accelerants.

Unsafely Anonymous's avatar

Use a NON-FOSSIL FUEL ACCELERANT??

Ole Mitch will be spinning in his...

Oh.

Bergman Ronald's avatar

That is exactly what the Lolly Pop Kids would sing. Heh heh my little kiddies! 👺🎉

Punkette's avatar

My bet is on August 4th …

Annette's avatar

Dang, if only we could have had a "2 for 1" funeral with Mitch the Turtle and Graham Cracker

Susan Iwanisziw's avatar

Good one, Gracie!

Frances López's avatar

We still need proof.

Annette's avatar

let's get that news out worldwide before August 3

Bob Weber's avatar

In a desperate attempt to raise his approval rating before the midterms, President Trump has announced he will sleep through all future meetings instead of just dozing through parts of them.

Steve Newman's avatar

Maybe have his mouth sewn up too.

Bill Morgan's avatar

I thought that was his modus operandi

Bob Weber's avatar

Trump’s staff does wake him occasionally to change his diaper

John  (NJ-VT)'s avatar

“Hi boss, i need to take unlimited time off yet be paid as if I’m coming in and working. Hope you understand.”

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

One of his cohorts in the Republican Party said we need to afford him the space to get better in view of his long contributions as a politician. Why should he get any more space than anybody else who has worked their entire life?

Frances López's avatar

Gah! I don't assume the possibility exists that McConnell WILL get better.

Michael Bowe's avatar

Like Bill O'Reilly saying that Trump needs a month off.

Annette's avatar

we've given him that space for the past forty years . . . that's plenty of time

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

And keep my free, solid gold health insurance that I’ve done everything in my power to deny to everyday people, especially those in the state I represent!

Laurence G's avatar

How they can keep his vegetative state under wraps amazes me!!!! ...OH WAIT...they've successfully done the same thing with the Epstein files!!!!!! Are there no whistleblowers????

misia.d's avatar

Are they are hidden in the same place? The new Trump bunker?

Elaine Young's avatar

release the trump/epstein files

Laurence G's avatar

I still don't understand why more victims haven't come forth and spoken!!! Of course...there have been a string of unusual deaths (and suicides?) associated with victims and perps. I'd be worried if I was Ghislaine Maxwell.

User's avatar
Comment deleted
2h
Comment deleted
Laurence G's avatar

I just don't get it!!!!

Liz Schick's avatar

🤣🤣🤣. But, seriously, think of the Supreme Court we could have today without Mitch when he was conscious, and consciously trying to undermine the law.

misia.d's avatar

True, but I can’t help acknowledging Justice Ruth’s role in the failure to protect the valuable seat. There should be term limits for all Branches. You can’t let an 80-year old anybody make that decision, period. No one’s contribution is worth the risk.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

As Heather Cox Richardson pointed out in her interview by Andy Borowitz, the founding fathers gave Supreme Court justices lifetime tenure when travel was by horseback or horse and buggy, and life expectancies were shorter. I think we’re should tell these originalists they can keep their lifetime appointments only if they agree to travel to and from their homes and the court by horseback or horse and buggy!

Harvey Perry's avatar

Don’t forget the contributions of Ralph Nader and Jill Stein to this catastrophe.

Al Keim's avatar

Important as any one individual is the finger for our predicament points directly at US.

Al Keim's avatar

Maybe we should beef up the law's defenses Liz.

Larry Caringer's avatar

Interesting to realize that even when he’s unconscious in bed, McConnell is still lying.

Little Johnny's avatar

When he dies, the only thing going up will be the approval ratings.

Unsafely Anonymous's avatar

Depends if the funeral is a burial or a cremation service.

Randi McKenzie's avatar

If a cremation service, they could scatter the ashes in the reflecting pool. I think the algae would die and the pool might reflect some light on all sorts of issues.

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Well thought out.

Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

For the life of me, why hasn't the Governor physically visited Old Tuttle Turtle-Turd? Get ON with it! And I REALLY hate paying his hospital tab while he and his party did everything to denie Healthcare to the entire country! 🤬

misia.d's avatar

True! He should demand some better verification before Aug 3.

BTAM Master's avatar

And now we have Schrödinger's Senator, both dead and alive at the same time.

Joanne Rossmassler Fritz's avatar

Bravo! I wish I’d thought of that.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Has the undertaker already shaved Mitch with Occam’s Razor?

BTAM Master's avatar

I've said this before:

Waitng for the headline: "Speculation on McConnell's heath continues as he is buried in his hometown cemetery. "

Adam's avatar

What is going on with the disappearing GOP? It's not just McConnell. Tom Kean Jr. disappeared for a while. Santos disappeared for an unfortunately short time. Sec Duffy is on the road in a trailer somewhere. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Quite the opposite.

Anyone else?

Adam's avatar

Addendum

If memory serves, the GOP generally support keeping people in a "persistent vegetative state."

misia.d's avatar

It’s a good trend. Let’s see the sequel during the election.

Annette's avatar

actually, it's not the disappearance that is disturbing, its the reappearance!

GigiDimeg's avatar

He is very much responsible for everything our country is going through right now. He gave us our current SCOTUS, which has empowered 47 and ensured the implementation of project 2025. I hope he’s just conscious enough to know how history will remember him, but not conscious enough to do more damage.

bruce schneider's avatar

"Just proves Mitch ain't woke," said the genius in the White House. "That's why his ratings went up."

Carol in Maine's avatar

I love listening to Jesse Welles. Thanks so much. He’s a treasure.

misia.d's avatar
2hEdited

Keep cool in your political hotbed up there, C. Maine may be ready to move on! Collins as well as inhuman & unhuman Ice must go! Snowmen & snowwomen & snowpersons can probalby stay, right? We need to treat stately Maine well lest you elope with earthy Canada!

Carol in Maine's avatar

lol. I really hope Collins loses this time. It’s time for her to go. We are close enough to Canada to call ourselves Canadians! I’m heading north next week.

Annette's avatar

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Nancy DeCourville's avatar

Dead or not, the evil he has done will be remembered - maybe some of it will be remedied, but there will be a stain that can’t be removed.