373 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

What I want to know is, who are the 5% of film critics who liked “Melania”?

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

They are people you don’t want to know.

Robert E.'s avatar

The unknown knowns, Romneyfied.

Diana's avatar

Wouldn't that be Rumsfeldified? Pay no attention to me - I'm so confused.

Robert E.'s avatar

Correct! For me, right words and wrong name. Thank you. Rumsfeldified English aka gibberish.

Hugh Jarce's avatar

Don't know how you keep coming up with this stuff. Brilliant.

KHKate's avatar

Was just thinking that when it popped up!

Kathy's avatar
10hEdited

You can look those film critics up, they’re in the Epstein Files

Janeo's avatar

Along with the director of the film.

Suzy Fraser's avatar

The ones who got paid to attend.

Wis's avatar

Ooops! I didn't see your post before I posted the same thing (an hour later!)! So, I'll say, I like your thinking and great answer! :D

Randy Woodall's avatar

Surely even someone poor enough to have to go through that humiliating experience for $50 could have giving the movie a bad review? Or did a "thumbs up" pay more? I wonder.

Kathy's avatar

The reviews were probably pre-written and handed out

Patricia Grande's avatar

And not just the $50 price offered to the peasants.

Bob Graham's avatar

They were probably visually and hearing impaired.

Michael Mundorff's avatar

The 5% are reviewers who worked for WaPo and Amazon.

Kent Cooper's avatar

Revealing their names would short-circuit their careers and maybe put them on WaPo editorial board where they would be just as effective as they were as film critics.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy, you can reassure yourself that they are not the enlightened subscribers of TBR community ! 😂💕

Ruthann's avatar

My guess is they’re mentioned, just not identified. Redacted, like half the Epstein files.

Wis's avatar

They are the ones who regularly critique pornos. This was a highbrow movie to them.

Katherine James's avatar

Is Putin a film critic?

Susan Dooha's avatar

The 5% are fraudsters that the grifter in chief pardoned returning the favor.

Marc Panaye's avatar

I know the answer to that one Mr. Borowitz!!!

Those 5% are L. Graham; L. Graham, L. Graham, L. Graham, L. Graham...... I'm sure you get the picture.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Jimmy Kimmel showed a group of women who call themselves The Church Ladies who all went to see Melania in copies of Melania’s inaugural ball gown-the white one with black lines that looks like a redacted Epstein file. I’m sure they’re in the 5%!

RonnieRayB's avatar

His and Musk's kids.

Marilyn Marcus's avatar

Ha ha ha ha ha. The bribery that’s going on is unbelievable. Let’s get ice out. Let’s get Trump out. We need to take the midterms bigly!!!!

Kathy's avatar

I used to laugh at all the bribery on every level in Russia, now look at our government. Putin is in ecstasy

Harvey Perry's avatar

Putin has been giving his puppet in the White House secret telephone tutorials.

Kathy's avatar

Phone sex, more like.

Leslie's avatar

Absolutely for years. Where do you think Jan 6th idea started

Judy Shaffer's avatar

Grift & graft is the name of the game in the Federal government these days. And it right out there in the OPEN. The old style politicians used to have some shame & hid it. No more. This is what TRANSPARENCY looks like in the Trump administration. Disgusting.

Donna_H's avatar

I know - right? Elect a convicted felon, expect a little more finesse in shoving the bodies under the carpet. I don't get it. What's the world coming to? 😏

Jody Magee's avatar

Great question. I can only imagine a world of people shrugging shoulders, scratching heads, mouths open, voices uttering nonsensical syllables . . .

Congress won’t act on impeachment which, I believe, is The Answer. The longer The Felon remains in office, the worse the consequences will be.

Good question, but I don’t know.

Pat Broderick's avatar

Looking at Melania’s picture. Shouldn’t she smile more?

Suzy Fraser's avatar

Have a heart. Between the botox and plastic surgeons, she can't. ;)

Diana's avatar

Good observation. When I look at Melania, I'm reminded of the old Phyllis Diller line, "Honey, I've had my face lifted so many times there's nothing left in my shoes."

Robin D's avatar
8hEdited

I loved Phyllis Diller. I can hear her cackle in my head right now. I could talk about this all day. She actually had one of the best lifts ever. So did Ellen Burstyn who was always so pretty but she was gorgeous when she had hers. And Bette Ford! And Liz Taylor after she dried out at Bette Ford when she married the young guy. She was stunning and lost all that weight..Gorgeous. They didn't have botox and fillers and lip implants, and fish lips then. The worst was Cher and Faye Dunaway. Also Melanie Griffith..When she made Working Girl in 1988, she was having drinking problems, but she was still beautiful, sexy and original. I.think she went to dry out, and by the time she made "A Stranger Among Us" in 1992 she must have had her eyes done and a face lift, because it was like looking at a Picasso painting. She had very sexy hooded eyes like Faye Dunaway used to have too, and by this movie they were wide open and two different sizes. I was so distracted I couldn't concentrate on the movie. So much bad work. The old movie stars and doctors knew how to it. I haven't had any work myself, not vain about it, not even botox..I scream at needles, but I can pick out work from.10 miles away and I can't even see. Im.very happy to segue into the twilight of my years with my original.face. Not going to.win any beauty awards, but no one would be running away from me screaming either. I have family members and so many friends.who have had work and I preferred them before. But I will say one thing about Melania. She has had fab work. Especially from how she started out. Also the best veneers. I'm very conscious of teeth. Eyes are getting a little too slanted now. She better stop at this..

I am especially hating the men with face and eyelifts. It started with Regis Philbin and his eye job. Then little by little I started seeing the newscasters (HD is BRUTAL) Donald Trump had the nerve to talk about Joe Biden's (admittedly bad work) but he was no one to talk. Donnie's eyes are up to his forehead. Steve Witkoff too with a bad rug. But the WORST has to be Larry Ellison.He's 82 years old, thinks he is going to live forever like the rest of the tech bros, and if I thought I was going to live forever and was a billionaire, I would have traveled the world to get the best work money could buy. He looks ridiculous. From that thing on his head to what looks like painted facial hair, he just looks 82 with bad work. And men are lucky. They usually get better with age. I.wish I could grow a beard and moustache. Hides a multitude of sins..

Susan Stone's avatar

If you want good plastic surgery, go to Bangkok and the Bumrungrad International Hospital. They do great work. Or at least they did in 2007.

Robin D's avatar

Susan, thank you so much! Believe it or not, I know that. I have many gay male friends who almost all have had several.facelifts, tummy tucks, eye jobs, you name it, but they had it done here. One friend had his eyes pulled so tight I wouldn't have known it was him. And they are all.rich, so it's not like they were running to Tijuana. But my frienda from Palm Springs have had fantastic work in Bangkok. Dental too. Amazing. And very well priced. I didn't know there was one particular hospital, but thank you. Really, they look exactly like you should look. Yourself but refreshed. They look fabulous. If anything, I should have had my eyes done. I don't have a lot of wrinkles. I am never in the sun. My hanging eyes and bags could use a lift, and I have marionette lines which I hate, so I don't look. I am terrified of the pain and recovery, but also at my age, I have lung issues, so going under anaesthesia (except for illness or certain procedures/tests ) would make me.nervous now. I.think.the time for me.to have done it was when I was 60. Now I'll be 70 in May. Oh well, no one's looking at me. Happily single. I can still pull myself together when I have to.

Susan Stone's avatar

Robin, I had my procedures at age 62 (actually just before my 62nd birthday) I'm a May baby also, so I'm curious when your birthday is. Mine's the 4th. The amazing thing about the procedures I had done is that my face and eyes still look good about 19 years later, though my upper lids are saggy again. Even at the young age of 62 the flight between Richmond, VA and Bangkok was difficult and exhausting. And I hear you about the lung issues. I have to see my pulmonologist tomorrow, and need to ask him about what my latest CAT scan said about the lower lobes of my lungs collapsing (atelectasis). I did have a significant surgery last July, and did mostly okay with my lungs afterwards. But I wouldn't want to do that on top of travel now. At 80 I'm content to stay home, but I wouldn't trade the experience I had in Bangkok for anything.

Jay Phinizy's avatar

Probably will - injecting the blood of Virgins!! Ron Popeil Strike again!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlbuUiWnlJc

Robin D's avatar

Hysterical! I.remember that. Stephen Miller did.that a few years ago.appearing on CNN and he was practically laughed off the set with his spray on hair 😂

Octavia Redwood's avatar

now she was a character

Robin D's avatar
9hEdited

I think when she was having "kidney surgery" during 1.0 it was definitely a.tummy tuck and new tits. She should be smiling more. I'm pretty sure before this run, she got another facelift and new.veneers and new hair. She does have one of the best weaves or whatever she has done because when she met him at the Kit Kat Klub she had thin,.stringy hair and a very high forehead. No wonder she spent $100k on her hair when they showed a bill (charging it to one of his pacs I think) a couple of years ago.

joannegucci's avatar

B i n g o! 🌻

Wendy Tucker's avatar

She has absolutely nothing to smile about. Any decency or integrity she might have had vanished when she began her 'relationship' with Donnie. She made her own bed and now she'll be sleeping in it for the rest of her immoral life.

John Gregory's avatar

or the one in their apartment several hundred miles away, if she can.

Kathy's avatar

Botox says no

Robert E.'s avatar

Mona Lisa Melania. Menage a tois with Miller and Rudy G. Erased that smile.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Check her pre-nup. It probably specifies how often she smiles and how much each smile costs.

Susan Stone's avatar

Have you ever seen her smile? I don't watch her, butI when I've seen her, have never seen her smile. I think she has nothing to be happy about.

SusanSchneider's avatar

I think Melania is completely happy with who she is and what she does and who she's married to. She's rich, she can buy all the clothes and jewelry she wants, and she's got millions of dollars and much more coming.

Robin D's avatar
7hEdited

I agree. She's vapid and.ruthless and worked like a dog on her back and knees to get where she is today. From a Slovenian hooker to marrying a famous (broke) billionaire she got what she wanted. Fame and fortune and her son. Not only a pre-nup but 3 POST NUPS. She is not stupid. She is the longest wife. She's not going to be thrown to the curb when he dies having to fight it out with the first three kids. She is exactly like him. She hasn't touched him in years. I live in NY.She has been rumoured to be having an affair with the head of Tiffany's security (right next to Trump.Tower) for years and why she spends.so much time here. Even without the presidency she has anything materially she could possibly want, became a (useless) first lady twice, and now that she is really pay-for-play...he must have to give her a million just to hold his hand, and although we're laughing at her and her movie, she thinks she is now a major movie moghul and has set herself up.with plenty of money in HER name. Plus Barron's into that crypto. Set for life..She's smart. She wasn't going to end up like Marla screwing her security guard on the beach by Mar-a-lago.and thrown out with nothing but her engagement ring that she had to hock and getting the basics of child support and alimony from.that cheap fuck. No, Melania learned from Ivana who I always thought was the brains and much smarter than him.Both of them.from.Eastern European Communist countries. She also was as in deep in everything as he was, so no surprises. Now she's 55, hoping everyday he will drop dead to get on with her life. Just one thing she didn't count on. Epstein never going away, and being outed about her past. Plenty of hookers and high class escorts have become the 2nd-3rd-4th trophy wives to their old, repulsive, fabulously rich husbands. She'll just be the most famous one.

Susan Stone's avatar

Interesting perspective. She also probably cares not one whit that all the riches come from ever more outrageous grifts.

shee-rah's avatar

She probably figures Donny will kick the bucket sooner rather than later.

Wis's avatar

She likes to hide under the wide brim of her Hamburglar hat.

Robert E.'s avatar

Also her MAD's Spy vs Spy hat!

Susan Stone's avatar

I had to look up the Hamburglar hat. Perfect! Thanks for a good laugh.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I think she is probably incapable of any intense emotions, whether delight or joy or sadness or fury. She is like a tall empty stick with a glued on smile and robotic comments which are grammatically incorrect.

Susan Stone's avatar

I'm so glad most of us are not that empty. The very idea is a nightmare to me.

Wis's avatar

If I had her family, I wouldn't smile either...

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I agree. But she still could have left and she didn't. Therefore............

Marge Campbell's avatar

Ivanka reportedly called Melania "The Portrait" because of how she would just stand or sit there and speak very little.

shee-rah's avatar

She probably hasn’t smiled since the day before her wedding.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Something got screwed up. My comment 'I agree....' was a reply to yours about not smiling since the day before her wedding.

Lots of commentary about her, about the movie, their marriage, their relationship, her character, her sensitivity (or lack thereof), her maternal instincts. I think she is simply an ambitious, vain and not very bright woman who came to the U.S. to be a model. She was not successful, but managed to establish some kind of relationship with Trump when he was single. It was good timing. In that respect, she was lucky. She was his arm jewelry; his appeal was long gone. Their marriage is likely one of convenience. He 'got' a younger woman, & spent money to rev up her appearance. She became a wealthy wife/mother with a husband who was enough of a letch that she didn't have to accommodate him. If he had not been elected in 2016, likely she would be the 3rd ex-Mrs. Trump. The Strange Child is also a reason to stay away.

David E James's avatar

No, the new WaPo slogan should be: "I don't care, do you?"

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Sorry, “Democracy in Darkness Be Best” be best.

Trix Niernberger's avatar

It is all so sad that he deliberately killed the WP.

Kathy's avatar

in Russian: Mne vse ravno, a tebe?

Lauren Tweeton's avatar

I cancelled when he told the editors not to run their endorsement of Kamala Harris.

Lauren Tweeton's avatar

I recently cancelled the NYT, again, after they, again, continued to sane-wash Trump. It’s mind-blowing that the 2 most respected “papers of record” in our country are turning out to be either oblivious or “in on it.”

Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

At the dire risk of sounding like I took my paranoid pills this morning, I don't think the destruction of the NYT and the WaPo was accidental. Remember that the authors of Project 2025, with its careful and minute dismantling of everything that holds this society together, had years to assemble their targets and plan how to undermine every expert, institution, and trusted source we once relied on. All they needed with was an empowered moron with a Sharpie!!

Lauren Tweeton's avatar

I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re reading the situation accurately.

Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

Thanks, Lauren. I don't either - frightened, yes. Paranoid, no. Many people seem surprised that the attack seems to come on new fronts every day, places they always considered permanently "safe" (I won't list them this close to bedtime!). But the erosion has been happening quietly for years.

Wis's avatar
9hEdited

What I see in the NYT doesn't really feel like sanewashing to me: it feels more like what journalism is supposed to be since it began in this country: a presentation of the facts. Objective reporting. It's how I remember news being presented when I was growing up. News was facts, editorials were opinion. We've become so tolerant of biases in journalism and bombastic presentations, I think the contrast between objective reporting and what we wish we'd see (reality presented with force - the reality says it all, so why not yell it?) But I like not being led into certain conclusions. The NYT knows that most subscribers are typically educated people. Certainly, maga is not their target audience. I feel that they do draw attention to the stark difference between trump's version of reality and the actual facts.

The Times still has integrity, in my opinion -- All of this is, of course, not me trying to be confrontational :) I just like the NYT. :)

Elizabeth Block's avatar

The sins of the NYT are mostly sins of omission. Like not printing a word about a pro-Gaza demonstration in Washington D.C. two years ago, 400,000 strong. Some paper of record.

And calling Gazan children anything but "children," not saying who dropped the bomb that killed them. Stuff like that. They're fine on Ukraine but not on Palestine.

Wis's avatar

I didn't know that. I wonder why?

Elizabeth Block's avatar

They're Zionists! or enough of them are to scare the rest into laying off Israel.

Not the only media outlet that does that. I haven't forgotten hearing a man on the CBC, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, apologizing on air for saying the word "Palestine" on the radio. To be fair, I don't think he'd be forced to do that today.

Elizabeth Block's avatar

Here's something that a Biden spokesman said, explaining why the massacre in Gaza wasn't passed on to the Biden white house:

Lew: The general pattern was that in-the-moment stories were inaccurate, and that the Israeli military and government establishment were not in a position to fully explain yet. We could almost never get answers that explained what happened before the story was fully framed in international media, and then when the facts were fully developed, it turned out that the casualties were much lower, the number of civilians was much lower, and, in many cases, the children were children of Hamas fighters, not children taking cover in places.

Chotiner: Sorry, what did you just say?

Lew: In many cases, the original number of casualties—

Chotiner: No, I meant the thing about who the children were.

Lew: They were often the children of the fighters themselves.

Chotiner: And therefore what follows from that?

Lew: What follows is that whether or not it was a legitimate military target flows from the population that’s there.

Chotiner: Hold on, Mr. Secretary.

John Gregory's avatar

The sanewashing was very largely making Trump's incoherent disjointed ramblings into something more or less comprehensible, i.e. the product of a sane mind, not a demented moron. (There is a reason the White House no longer publishes transcripts of Trump's press conferences.)

But it was worse than that. When Trump said during the campaign that immigrants were poisoning the blood of Americans, the NYT reported it as something like 'genetic speculation', as if it had been a scientific inquiry.

Robin Rossi's avatar

I still subscribe to times as a former new Yorker and I love the Guardian!, don’t trust anyone else

Wis's avatar

I subscribe to the same two!! I don't trust anyone else, either - except for several substacks. But of course, substacks present facts with some editorializing which is easily recognizable.

It's like this TBR article though: straight reporting of the facts is often so unbelievable, Andy's headline was believable!

Lauren Tweeton's avatar

I’m bothered by the fact that MSNOW is running ICE’s defensive ads. I’m bothered that suddenly I have to agree to Versant to read Rachel Maddow’s posts. Personally, I’m sticking to “The Nation,” “Mother Jones,” and independent media from now on. Of course I’ll miss Joe Scarborough’s rants that take the exact opposite view of his previous rants. But sacrifice I must.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

I know! For two years I’ve been trying to write down the number for that terrific $9.99 insurance, but the ad always ends before I can find a pencil. I’m thinking of buying a house with lousy windows just so I can get that no-payments-until-2027 refit.

Srsly, if ice wants to waste its money, why shouldn’t msnbc get a piece of it?

Robin D's avatar

😂 😂

When I was watching MSNOW last week (and I can count on my fingers how many times I put on the TV) they ran an ad for the ACLU and about 20 minutes later for Melania's doc. At least they weren't for cancer and pharmaceuticals,

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

As did so many of us...

Lee's avatar

C'mon you don't need an editor to transcribe whitehouse press releases.

Craig Jones's avatar

Bezos the amoral toady. Truly repulsive excuse for a Human being.

Erik Bruun's avatar

Is he actually a human being?

He doesn't look like one.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Generated by AI? His wife certainly looks as if she was assembled based on the fever dreams of adolescent males.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

seriously, her kids must be appalled

Rosemary Lerario's avatar

Holy hell I almost thought this was true.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Everything I write is true.

Rosemary Lerario's avatar

Of course, what was I thinking.

Wis's avatar

Same here!!

Jane kissane's avatar

This is just so sad. I canceled my subscription too.

Susan's avatar

I cancelled my Washington Post Subscription today due to the mass firings.

Pamela Lienhard's avatar

Please do a report on all the gold medals Trump will win at the Winter Olympics

Bob Graham's avatar

I want to watch Trump when he participates in the ski jump competition...

Kathy's avatar

Yes, right after he’s competes in the luge…and lets watch trump do a triple sowchow on the ice

Barbara Vasile's avatar

He can barely walk down the “short stairs” from Air Force One, so I hope you won’t be too disappointed. Also, to stand at the top of one of those jumps makes you wonder how anyone could do it. My son played in a hockey tournament in Lake Placid once, and we went to see the old Olympic venues. Back then, they let you go to the top of the tall ski jump, which had protective fences at the top. I was scared anyway!

Franca Garofalo's avatar

Is ketchup throwing in the Olympics this year?

Clym Yeobright's avatar

He was BEST IN SHOW at the Westchester KC yesterday but it was stolen from him. The ‘winner’ was a real dog

Joe Tye's avatar

The one thing I'd think being among the richest human beings in the history of the world would give would be the courage to do the right thing. I guess that while it's true money can't buy you love, neither can it buy you courage.

Bob Graham's avatar

Bezos should go to Oz and ask for courage. It worked for the Lion....

Franca Garofalo's avatar

Certainly not a heart.

Kathy's avatar

Trump’s past earned him satan II

Robin Rossi's avatar

Reminds me of South Park the movie where saddam went to bed with satan!!

Suzelle smith's avatar

Andy:

Would it be a good idea to start a movement to boycott Amazon and Bezos over the Post murder and the Melania travesty? Bezos is about money and he thinks using the Post and Amazon to flatter the Trumps is profitable. Maybe we could make that a question- like we did with Tesla for a while at least?

Andy Borowitz's avatar

I’ve started my own bookshop. The proceeds help support local bookstores: https://bookshop.org/shop/borowitzreport

Suzelle smith's avatar

I already get my books from bookshop.org--- it is great.

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

I’ve ordered from Bookshop.com and will absolutely never ever order from Amazon. Bezos never cared about journalism. He only cares about his $$$.

Rebekah Presson Mosby's avatar

For a while, WAPO was a really good paper. I canceled when Bezos started to control the editorial page.

Suzy Fraser's avatar

He's put his eggs in the wrong basket.

Franca Garofalo's avatar

I cancelled Amazon a year ago and I haven’t missed it a bit!

Robin Rossi's avatar

No Facebook and Amazon down til bare minimum until sub expires…as they are getting worse with deliveries…..

Barbara's avatar

Ya made me smile!😄

Pearl's avatar

I laughed out loud.

thietthoang@gmail.com's avatar

"Democracy in Darkness Be Best" If you don't laugh this, you be sure worst.

Holly's avatar

Glad I cancelled before that!