284 Comments
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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Trump should worry less about adding Canada and Greenland and more about losing California and Illinois

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Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

And Massachusetts...please!

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

and Maryland

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It's Come To This's avatar

And Hawaii! MAGAts can go fucking vacation somewhere else…like the emptiness of West Texas!

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Sarah Krall's avatar

And, please, may they not come to Wyoming

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John Townsend's avatar

If they do, well-timed pushes into a Yellowstone geyser or mud-spring?

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Sarah Krall's avatar

But, no. I don't want to be violent. Not yet anyway.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Please no! We do not need any more MAGAts in West Texas. It's not all empty, and besides they'd destroy the beauty of the desert. Oh, maybe they could vacation at the new internment camp at Fort Bliss?

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SyBen's avatar

Good response. Texas is big enough to accommodate the red caps. Not Arizona, please, we have enough to worry about then more red cappers......... On second thought, maybe they could come in the summer and enjoy 110 + heat. 🤣

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John Townsend's avatar

--and do a slow bake where all the toxic juices ooze out of them!

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David Gardiner's avatar

Bring your own drip tray.

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Veronika Grimm-Matthews's avatar

And Connecticut, Please!!!

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misia.d's avatar

Yes, Connecticut can easily turn into a raft.

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John Townsend's avatar

--or join with Massachusetts next door southward. Throw in Rhode Island, too!.

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Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

You beat me too it, we can't threaten redistricting because all our congresspeople are Democratic

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SCS - Michigan's avatar

… and Michigan and New York and Iowa (kicking some butt there!) and …

A blue wave 🌊 is coming.

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John Townsend's avatar

Many red-hatted behinds to be kicked into next week, next month!

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Jay  Kinard's avatar

We should worry more about losing our minds!

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misia.d's avatar

Too late!

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Kate Decker's avatar

:-) !!

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John Townsend's avatar

The MAGATS have lost theirs, let us keep a grip on ours! Please!

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J Cheng's avatar

But let's not tell HIM that! We need to distract him so he does lose - all the states!

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Sandra Hardie's avatar

Doubt we can do a better job of distracting him than his own mush-filled brain does.

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Annette's avatar

then again, I'm happy to let him be distracted by shiny things, while we work feverishly to get our country back!

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John Townsend's avatar

Plenty of gold doodads in the Oval Office to be waved before his squinty eyes!

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Annette's avatar

omg, and then some! Looks like a Party City glitter aisle bomb was thrown into the oval office (I'm purposely not capitalizing somethings that normally would be capitalized; its the tRump effect - LOL).

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Al Keim's avatar

Add Ukraine and I'm in.

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Kate Decker's avatar

And Gaza and the West Bank. Does anyone think the once-great United States of America -- shining beacon on a hill etcetera -- is in large part morally bankrupt?

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Sharon P's avatar

Hard to be bankrupt of something you never had. Speaking of Gaza did I see where real-estate mongrel(misspelled with purpose) son-in-law is on his way to Gaza?

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John Townsend's avatar

Almost no penny left in any ethical reserve...

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

OMG, of course! Thanks for reminding us.

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Marmo's avatar

I don't think Dump should worry about losing any states - I think it's best if he assume he's going to win every state and not even try.

I think Dump shouild worry less about adding Canada and Greenland and more about losing his mind. I wonder where it could be - he doesn't seem to be looking for where he last saw it. Or maybe it was never there.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Impossible to lose what you never had.

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John Townsend's avatar

--even though one looks and looks....

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Janeo's avatar

Add losong the entire Left Coast thanks to Ferguson, Kotek, and Newsom who've just sent Bondi some Big, Beautifulĺ Pacific Coast sand to pound.

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John Townsend's avatar

May she stick her blonde head in it!

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

And Wisconsin. "Eat Cheese or Die!"

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Annette's avatar

is that the state motto, because I could really get behind that!

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Deb Borrelli's avatar

And New Jersey…we cannot let Ciattarelli bring MAGA here!

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Bob Graham's avatar

I don’t know Andy, maybe it’s better that trump focuses on things that won’t happen than on things that might well happen….

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Annette's avatar

he does that a lot; that's why he's delusional

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John Townsend's avatar

Secession, anyone?

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Kathy Minicozzi's avatar

Yes! And he never had New York.

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John Townsend's avatar

Secession, anyone?

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Karen Scofield's avatar

Too Funny You 🤣 this morning ☕ Scott!! But you're absolutely Right, another good article, Thank you, and will reStack ASAP 💯👍

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Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

This report perfectly describes the insane absurdity of our current time. More and more I feel as if we are in a movie starring Peter Sellers.

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Carole Weintraub's avatar

More like Rod Serling and The Twilight Zone.

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Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

Yes, for sure. And maybe: "Outer Limits" with Roald Dahl

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Marmo's avatar

We seem to be stuck in the Twilight Outer Limits Zone starring Peter Sellers.

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John Townsend's avatar

--with Rod Serling rolling his eyes like mad!

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Natalie Parker's avatar

:-) :-) :-)!!

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Hilary Fried's avatar

Roald Dahl hosted the series "Way Out." It was like The Twilight Zone, but without the optimism.

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John Townsend's avatar

The theme song should be played now on all newscasts!

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Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Always felt these days were a little reminiscent of the Manchurian candidate. In any case, some have the reality they deserve and then there’s the rest of us who live in the upside down.

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Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

Trump a "plant"? Really?

But wait, There was Helsinki, "the Russians didn't interfere", the withholding of funds and weapons for Ukraine, the red carpet for the murderer, the phone call to Moscow while he spoke with European leaders....predated by multiple comments of admiration for Putin and Kim....

Could there be something there...there? Shocking! /s

And fracking obvious!

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Marmo's avatar

Bill Alstrom - You guessed it. But, instead of being hypnotized, Dump is distracted by flattery. I'm not sure there is a brain to wash in that head, but dangle fame and fortune in front of him and he'll do anything. Sell out his country - sure! So, he's not as smart as a green-leafy plant, but he's certainly been planted in the White House to destroy America. MARS - Make America Russia's Stooge. (Is that the actual place that Musk wants to take us?)

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Liz kelley's avatar

Make America Russia’s Stooge (MARS)”

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Liz kelley's avatar

“MARS” brought to you by Putin and the KGB.

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Marmo's avatar

Well, Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin, there is the brain-washing similarity. And our country is being turned away from our Democratic allies and towards helping our Communist Enemies (Lil' Marco must feel so good about that, given the "escape" story that he flogged in order to get elected). Lots that is the same.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and falling off!

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Jill's avatar

I feel like we’re being ruled by Peter Sellers

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The Rickster's avatar

Who is installing speed bimps on Democracy.

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Robot Bender's avatar

"Does your dog bite?"

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RJM's avatar

Not the actor, though, the character: Chance, the Gardener, who was called Chauncey Gardiner. Except that Chance, though of limited intelligence, knowledge, and experience, had good manners and no history of criminal -or even tortious- behavior. That makes him a blessing compared to what we have now: a DODO (acronym for D-ictator O-n D-ay O-ne, as well as an appropriate epithet, with no offense intended to extinct birds).

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Margaret Zwald's avatar

I would rather be ruled by him that two orange dolls

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John Townsend's avatar

--or even the blonde one at the Department of Justice!

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Kate Decker's avatar

We were, but Mr Sellers came to the conclusion that Dictators are beneath contempt, so he stopped ruling.

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John Townsend's avatar

If so, we'd be laughing a lot harder!

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Mark Lip's avatar

I wish we were. “The Mouse That Roared” is a favorite. I saw it when it was in theaters and I was a kid. Today would a child sit for a similar movie or even understand it?

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Chris Politzki's avatar

You're right. Michael Steele, in interview with Marc Elias, said to remember the White House is a clown car. Some people are entertained by the clowns for now, but the real damage they're doing will become painfully apparent when our health care is gone, our jobs change or disappear, mortgage rates are sky high, and we're all paying ridiculous prices (right now) for essential goods. DJT is only an entertainer, and 'Bobo the Clown' produces a new episode of his clown show each and every day. Sad.

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Annette's avatar

I can't wait until the day we can start undoing all the damage done by the Commander in Cheat. Look at how we regained respect with world leaders after tRump 1.0

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John Townsend's avatar

--and lost again with Trump -2.0.

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Anathema Addams's avatar

Nah, not dystopian enough. Most of the "scary" stories didn't capture the gleeful cruelty displayed by those currently in charge and the level of anger that's just waiting to erupt.

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Kim D's avatar

Aside from Trump, the administration is loaded up with sociopaths (e.g. Noem), psychopaths (e.g. Miller) and straight up nut jobs (e.g. Lutnick). I'm not sure which mental disorder Vance has, but it has something to do with an empty lack of self identity. "Gleeful cruelty" is the perfect term.

Noem is trying to pass as normal but not doing a very good job at it. Boasting about shooting her dog in the face? She needs to watch more Dexter to learn how passing as normal is done.

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Annette's avatar

Russell Vought and Peter Navarro deserve more than an honorable mention too. And there should be a category for the "stupids." Hogsbreath, Kashyap, McMahon...etc.

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Bill's avatar

Here in blue San Diego we defeated Navarro for Mayor a few times!

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Annette's avatar

<golf clap> . . . now, to get him out of D.C.!

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John Townsend's avatar

Exorcism or burn one heck of a pile of sage!

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Kate Decker's avatar

Q: Is McMahon the same person as the one affectionately known as McBaloney?

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John Townsend's avatar

The rest of Trump's crew just plain baloney gone bad in the fridge!

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Annette's avatar

baloney with that green tinge - yuck!!

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Annette's avatar

affectionately, not sure, but I do like the moniker

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Kate Decker's avatar

:-) !!

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Marjorie's avatar

Consider adding to the list: bat-shit-crazy RFK, Jr; airhead Leavitt; too-stupid-to-exist Pirro.

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Margaret Zwald's avatar

Don't forget the worst of the worst - RFK.

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John Townsend's avatar

RFK=Real Freaky Kook!

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Do not forget bat-guano crazy RFK, Jr. Come to think of it, I can't come up with the name of anyone in this kakistocracy who isn't a total nutjob, a criminal, a drunk, a traitor, an unprincipled grifter, an idiot or a ne'er-do-well.

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Bill's avatar

We live in an Idiocracy these days

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Mary Roeser's avatar

I know that's true.

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John Townsend's avatar

-and let her run a funeral parlor, if she can, instead of Homeland Security!

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J Cheng's avatar

directed by Mr. Magoo!

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Kim D's avatar

I'm constantly reminded of Woody Allen's "Bananas." The new, power-crazed dictator proclaims, "From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish"

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Bill's avatar

Yes! Dr Strangelove

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Bill's avatar

Through the looking glass

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Tricia Wilson's avatar

“Does your dog bite?” Grrrrr r r r Chomping…. “ ‘e eez not my dog…”. Peter Sellers for Pres.

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Marmo's avatar

I could think of a specific one in which we are certainly stuck - except there is no sane person in charge because the crazy person is the President, not the General, and the comedy satire has turned into horror reality.

But, we could write our own movie and cast Peter Sellers in any or every role, and it would be our current reality.

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Sandra Hardie's avatar

Complete with Orange Panther. Cue the theme song. Always liked that one.

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John Townsend's avatar

--although Mr. Sellers was slightly more sane....

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Suzanne Skubick's avatar

Thank you as always, Andy, for a smile to start the day. And BTW let's not forget another incompetent & stupid man (president HA!) who failed to help a drowning city. 20 years later New Orleans still bears the scars of it's natural disaster named Katrina. Think how much worse disasters will now be since Felon 47 has wrecked FEMA.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

George W set the standard for installing incompetent loyalists in important positions (Heckuva job, Brownie!) that Trump is now surpassing

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Sam Popkin's avatar

And I’ll never forget what Barbara said of the displaced, often homeless, citizens huddled in the Superdome: (appx): “They probably have it better here than at their own homes.”

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Her exact quote was that the displaced people “were underprivileged anyway so this is working very well for him.” The audio has been virtually scrubbed from the Internet but I located it here: https://x.com/tariqnasheed/status/986455710434082816

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Andy, that it's been scrubbed from the internet is as hideous as her having said it.

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Sam Popkin's avatar

Thank you for taking the time to present this! There are moments in time that say it all, and I thought of this as one of them.

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John Townsend's avatar

The fruit did not fall very far from the Batshit Barbara Tree!

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Thanks for the refresher. Are we sure Miller isn't hers?

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

I remember that well, Sam, and how horrified and repelled I felt. After that, I could never see, hear, or think of her without feeling a sickly, cold rage. The passage of time has calmed the response a bit, but not my incomprehension.

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Sam Popkin's avatar

You have to love the brutal transparency of it though! To be so unaware of or just plain unconcerned about such self-exposure!

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Your comment is rather eye-opening and actually helps my inner roilings become less foamy, if you will. We're looking at the same thing from opposite sides of the room. Your comment is "Stay aware that she is one of us, a human being." There but for the grace of sanity or awareness or decency...

Okay, I'm thinking aloud. I'm also recalling from the news coverage at Astrodome the sleeping areas. Cots had been set up and positioned in an effort to give the families the closest possible thing to privacy -- all way out in the open. Everyday items that you'd never think of in a bedroom were in view, things like dishes, I suppose. The facial expressions on the people who'd come from Louisiana were blank, stunned and saying, "What now? What do we do now?"

Certainly not all southerners, but barbara's remarks and her tone bring to mind the phrase "southern hospitality." Sure. Enough from me.

-30-

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Janeo's avatar

She didn't really care, did she.

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Yes, Janeo. Sounds like shades of melania, doesn't it?

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John Townsend's avatar

--and Melania is certainly shady!

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Sam Popkin's avatar

I’m voting you are quite correct!

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Anathema Addams's avatar

I always felt that George W was at least making an effort. Trump is deliberately burning it all to the ground, and the higher the body count the better. I mean, that's Elon Musk's MO. They truly are kindred souls - at least until they discovered that they can't stand each other.

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misia.d's avatar

T is reckless.

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Annette's avatar

if only we knew then, what we know now . . . perhaps we could have made better choices and decisions

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

like enrolling at the local shooting range?

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Annette's avatar

or electing congress people who were self-less and realized the importance of their position

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John Townsend's avatar

Dream the Impossible Dream!

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Annette's avatar

every. damn. day.

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John Townsend's avatar

But the electorate knew better and voted self-interest anyway.

Or was something in the water?

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Jay F's avatar

Of course Trump is best at that.

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

That is only because melania told him, "Be best."

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geraldinemellon's avatar

Make that "Be beest."

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Susie's avatar

Right?! I genuinely believed it couldn’t be worse than W. So it’s all my fault. I jinxed us. Sorry, folks. 🥺

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SCS - Michigan's avatar

Savvy folk, those Greenlanders.

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Paula's avatar

What would an application rejection letter look like from the Nobel Peace Prize Committee?

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Alan's avatar
11hEdited

Paula -- they may delegate the letter writing to Letitia James 🤔

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Annette's avatar

as long as they don't delegate it to Melanoma

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Annette's avatar

Dear Donald: Go faen yourself.

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John Townsend's avatar

"Hell No" in either Swedish or Norwegian!

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Lucy K.'s avatar

Very funny! Greenland, don’t let those bastards plunder your minerals.

And also is Pres. Evil’s new plan to let RFK Jr kill most of us off? Gerrymandering not enough to get those voter rolls down?

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Ellie Solo's avatar

Hartvig, you’re back! Det er godt at se dig igen!😍

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Richard Kline's avatar

you had me at "Hartvig Dorkelson"!

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John Townsend's avatar

Wouldn't a Danish name be "Dorkelsen"?

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Barbara Rahder's avatar

Precisely!

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Dick Eger's avatar

Trump is annexing Greenland so that he can send the Epstein case there in hopes it becomes a "cold" case!

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Alan's avatar
11hEdited

No doubt he'll send his 2 top diplomats, Justa plus Lutnick, to negotiate a deal! What could possibly go wrong? 🥸

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John Townsend's avatar

A big KABOOM!

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Janeo's avatar

I remember when Justa negotiated with Japan & Germany over the end of WWII. Is it too late for a Noɓel?

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John Townsend's avatar

In this universe, yes!

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Jana Norris's avatar

Some days the titles of TBR are the first and only smile of the day. Thanks, Andy!!

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Bill's avatar

I think probably the stupidest thing he has said was calling the Declaration of Independence a “ love letter”…. More like divorce papers for King George. I think Jabba the Gut also said the Civil War was fought as a result. Jesus Christ!!!

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Janeo's avatar

A copy was flown to King George via the Redcoat Airforce. Remembering all those English airfields during the Revolution...

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Annette's avatar

<snicker>

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Annette's avatar

it's ironic that he called the Declaration of Independence a "love letter" - first, he hasn't read it so he has no idea what it contains, and secondly, he's never written, nor received a love letter, so how would he know what one was.

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Wis's avatar

👏👏👏😅. You said it, Annette!

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John Townsend's avatar

Any l"love" etters to Trump would not be perfumed, but stink like manure!

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Wis's avatar
8hEdited

Bill: He’d blame the civil war on Obama, not the Declaration of Independence.

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Edward Jay Allan's avatar

Preferably with relevant references highlighted

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Franca Garofalo's avatar

“We’re certainly not going to accept a character reference from Ghislaine” should be emblazoned on T-shirts and become our national motto.

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Annette's avatar

<standing ovation>

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John Townsend's avatar

Another motto, "Watch where that hand goes, Donald!"

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Helen Kopec's avatar

Sorry, Greenland. We Great White Northerners absolutely support your independence, but recently changed our email address. Too much smut coming from the South.

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Peg S's avatar

Does anyone else feel like this is a rerun of the Watergate bunglers getting caught? AND, the fact this idiot has always been enamored with Nixon should have been the red flag for any American! Is his precious letter from Nixon in a gold frame next to the Declaration of Independence?

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L B Rose's avatar

Compared to Agent Orange and his buffoons, Nixon and his goons were Mensa-quality. There are no words to describe how low this regime will go.

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John Townsend's avatar

Scrapings off the bottom of the barrel!

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howard levitt's avatar

On Bill Maher's show Christopher Rufo said that Nixon would be exonerated. Since he represents the "intellectual" side of MAGA, this must be part of their plan after the authoritarian coup.

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Kathy's avatar

Watergate blew up in Nixon’s face, but republicans rued the day he resigned. And they vowed that a republican potus wd never have to resign again no matter what laws he broke. That’s a major reason we have the liars on Fox… but they paid $787million due to their own lies over their deceptive trump coverage & blatant lies. And now, there are 20+ former Fox fools in the administration. Talk about absurd! The entire world sees the absurdity, and they’re laughing at our clown in chief; meanwhile the GOP is reaping/raping our money from us for them and their $ benefactors. Funny/not Funny

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John Townsend's avatar

Really, really not funny!

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