Iran Says Hormuz Strait Will Close Two Years for Renovations
TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, on Monday Iran announced that the Strait of Hormuz will be closed the next two years for renovations.
The Strait of Hormuz board, packed with cronies of Iran’s Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, also approved a plan to put Khamenei’s name on the renovated waterway.
“The Khamenei Strait of Hormuz will be the biggest and most beautiful trade chokepoint EVER!” the ayatollah announced in a social media post.
In the same post, he indicated that the renovated strait would have a “world-class toll booth” fitted with marble armrests “unlike anything ever done or seen before!”
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Could we take a cue from this and close the Oval Office for 2 years while we renovate the presidency?
Honestly, I’m just relieved they’re finally addressing the infrastructure. You can’t run a proper global chokepoint without marble armrests. That’s basic governance. Also unclear whether the renovation includes surge pricing for tankers during peak hours or if that’s only for VIP oil.
And I assume there’ll be a ribbon cutting where everyone insists they personally came up with the idea of “water, but narrower.”