432 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Look, I'm against Ghislaine getting pardoned, but this would be making the most of it, I think.

Expand full comment
Robot Bender's avatar

Pardoned right into NY State custody. Works for me, if that's what Trump does. I still say pardoning her is as good as a confession on Trump's part.

Expand full comment
Andy Borowitz's avatar

I'm not sure how pardoning a sex trafficker makes the QAnon crew happy.

Expand full comment
LHS's avatar

I keep saying this. Won't they lose their minds if a convicted child sex trafficker is pardoned by Trump? MAGA will need Olympics-grade mental gymnastics to accept that act.

Expand full comment
Maria Jette's avatar

Please don’t ever type “Trump” and “gymnastics” into the same comment— even separate sentences can’t prevent the toxic mixture from forming the image of Donald attempting the Yurchenko double pike!

Expand full comment
Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

A double pike, such as Tower of London executioners wield would be smashing.

The world of gymnastics is already replete with infamous

sex-criminal ‘coaches’; no new kid -diddlers need apply.

Expand full comment
C. Killion's avatar

Actually , visualize the landing. There, better?

Expand full comment
Maria Jette's avatar

Well, now I’m (mentally) seeing the (unspeakable) leotard from a different angle, so the answer is “no.”

Expand full comment
Jonathan Aborn's avatar

What’s that smell??

Expand full comment
David Gardiner's avatar

He won't be able to stick the landing, which will be played on continuous loop on the Jumbotron in Times Square until the midterm elections.

It will be titled "Ultimate Executive Shitshow," with a MOJO DISRUPTION ADVISORY scrolling across the scene.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

**splat**

Expand full comment
David's avatar

Don't hold your breath. There will be an Olympic grade conspiracy theory to explain it all.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

-with many forward and backflips!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--or speared by a javelin?

Expand full comment
L. R. Abramson's avatar

Make that a javelina that feels threatened.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Even Trump's verbal gymnastics are a big belly flop!

Expand full comment
Mike Sabes's avatar

You must mean Gym Jordan from Ohio, he looked the other way as students were being assaulted!

Expand full comment
Randall Sorenson's avatar

He'll blame Obama.

Expand full comment
Charles Wagner's avatar

What? I thought Hunter Biden's laptop did it. Maybe it was Hilary.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

It was all three in a "libtard" conspiracy cooked up in a Shakey's

Pizza Parlor back room!

Expand full comment
Marjorie's avatar

"Benghazi!"

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

All of the above!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Bless you! That Sahara sand is tricky on the sinuses. May penetrate the brain an give rise to all sorts of ideas, delusions, hallucinations!

Expand full comment
Mary Roeser's avatar

And don't you just know they will be doing all manner of stunts in order to do just that? I'm quite sure that Donnie Dementia will blame President Obama, Secretary Clinton, President Biden, and "radical left lunatics" for the whole mess he has made.

Expand full comment
Michael L Flynn's avatar

You forgot sharks, batteries and windmills.

Expand full comment
Mary Roeser's avatar

So I did. Thanks for the heads-up. I DID forget sharks, batteries, and windmills. Come to think of it, I also forgot showerheads and toilets. I must be getting old and forgetful.

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar

And non-cane sugar.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

and shower water flow

Expand full comment
Kathy's avatar

And trump’s many voters/fools just might eat it up… because every one of them qualifies for “village idiot” status, on steroids

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--said steroids used to exercise their arm "guns' and their real guns.

No steroid exists to exercise the brain!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

it takes a village, to make an idiot

Expand full comment
Mike Sabes's avatar

His father cannot bail Donnie out from this mess!

Expand full comment
William R MEYER's avatar

It beats the hell out of Maxwell releasing the tapes and photos she has stashed somewhere. Maxwell also knows the art of the deal. I don't think she plans on spending the rest of her life in prison or gracefully dying. She has a window of opportunity and something to trade.

The faithful don't care. They accept he is a child rapist and worse. As long as he gives them power over the rest of us, it is a bargain they willing to make. What they don't want is the rest of the public to know for sure. Reducing his power, reduces their control over us. They will do whatever it takes to protect him.

Trump can create some fantasy to flood the media. He can tie up the courts with legalisms and appeals. Any excuse, plausible or not, for the pardon will hold his base together. If Maxwell dumps her stash, it is all over.

Expand full comment
Betsy Groth's avatar

Not sure you are right, William.

Sexually assaulting under aged, sex trafficked girls may even be a bridge too far for MAGA. Combine this with taking away Medicaid that many of them might collect. And they might resent footing the huge bill for fat ash to cheat at golf in Scotland.

His poll numbers are in the toilet.

There is hope! Keep resisting…

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--not in that gold toilet! Trump is lucky that gold does not tarnish!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

step by step, Betsy . . . looking forward to seeing "realization of the truth" on the faces of the sheep

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

excellent post!

Expand full comment
Kate Decker's avatar

Do you ever get the feeling that our whole world has become a mad distorted hall of mirrors, with nothing making sense any longer?

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

and they aren't Olympic-grade anything!

Expand full comment
jon Hodson's avatar

MAGA will believe and follow ANYTHING the dear leader says or does. The average IQ of a MAGA is below that of protoplasm.

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

Trump just needs to convince his followers that in all the photos where he is seen with Epstein, you are really seeing Hillary Clinton dressed up like Trump, just trying to make him look bad. I figure he has a good shot.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

someone did mention on here tRump was actually trans . . . who would have thunk he'd pick Hillary as his trans self

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Worthy of a Hitchcock or DePalma thriller!

Expand full comment
Ellen Harris's avatar

I have a feeling most trumpers just ignore the news they don’t like as false. Hard to imagine how but I’d bet on that. (I asked a sample of one and got that theory reinforced. 🤔 )

This includes a mix of crazies but also otherwise together people that don’t see through him. The people more likely to be moved by all of the corruption and destruction are the Independent voters and previously undecided… hopefully they see and help vote these people out ASAP!

Expand full comment
Charles Wagner's avatar

I bet Joe Rogan will agree.

Expand full comment
Robot Bender's avatar

Nah, that was Obama. 😆

Expand full comment
Bobbie75's avatar

Too tan. Must be Biden.

Expand full comment
Ned Brubeck's avatar

GOP = Gross Old Perverts?!?

Expand full comment
MLK's avatar

Growing Old Pedophiles.

Expand full comment
Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

Andy, has it ever entered your mind that maybe Putin may be one of pedophiles at Jeffrey’s island?

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

With Epstein and Trump, everything enters the mind!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

They aren't either, but their clamoring continues . . . let's all take a moment to imagine the look on their face, when their dear leader headlines the list that's released.

Expand full comment
Rebecca Warner's avatar

It hard to make sense of it. If names are named, and Trump's isn't among them, will they be satisfied? Further, if he pardons her after his (acclaimed) "vindication," will they be able to draw the line from A to B? I mean, considering they have seen dozens of pictures of Trump with Epstein, they still haven't connected those dots, and instead think it's Bill Clinton and Nancy Pelosi who are the real monsters.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Well, it's dots for the MAGA dotty, isn't it? The only things that the MAGA faithful can connect are false conspiracies and the click of their rifles!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

don't forget the "pssfft" of their beer cans!

Expand full comment
Marge Campbell's avatar

All those FBI agents' time on 24 hr shifts sifting the Epstein files for Dump's name won't be wasted. You know if the files are ever released every mention of his name will be redacted. They'll probably substitute Obama, or Biden or Hilary's name for his.

Expand full comment
Marge Haders's avatar

I agree.

Expand full comment
Kandy Brown's avatar

Yes, Trump has a conundrum there, doesn't he?

Expand full comment
Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

A condom?

Expand full comment
Ellen Harris's avatar

According to a written testimony by one of the young victims posted online, he did not use condoms.

Expand full comment
Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Agent orange was hoping to create more stable geniuses.

Expand full comment
Diane Elias's avatar

Stormy Daniels mentioned that too.

Expand full comment
Marge Campbell's avatar

I think Srormy Daniels said the same during her encounter with him. She certainly gave a graphic description of Dump's nether regions.

Expand full comment
Kandy Brown's avatar

doesn't "FEEL GOOD" enough!

Expand full comment
Robot Bender's avatar

Oh, it won't. 😆 🤣

Expand full comment
Ned Brubeck's avatar

GOP. Gross Old Perverts?!?

Expand full comment
Mike Sabes's avatar

The already over look Trump's rape conviction!

Expand full comment
BayPoodle's avatar

A *woman* sex trafficker. We can’t even “boys will be boys” it away

Expand full comment
Judy Fern's avatar

Don't get comfy. No matter what, he will slither out of it. He's been practicing for years.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Trump's degree: B.S.=Bachelor of Slithering

or one interpretation of "B.S."

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

-otherwise he would confess to nothing!

Expand full comment
Alan's avatar
5dEdited

Andy, is it true that another reason "the boss" made this move (exclusively reported by TBR) was because he considers Maxwell a 9 and Justa only a 5 on his best eyeliner days?

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

<golf clap>

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--but Ghislaine is neither a blonde or a Barbie look-alike!

Expand full comment
Alan's avatar

John, the job offer includes a blonde wig so she'll be fine. 👱🏼‍♀️

Expand full comment
Marge Campbell's avatar

Anything to get rid of JD, but Ghislaine can't be VP because she was born in France to British parents.

Expand full comment
Alan's avatar

Marge, you just provided an accurate forecast of his next Executive Order! 🤔

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

lol 😺😺

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

After Maxwell's prison sentence, they should be about equal!

Expand full comment
Stephen Brady's avatar

At least she will keep his stock of nubile pre-adolescent girls up at acceptable levels. Melanie is getting a little long in the tooth.

Expand full comment
Concerned Citizen's avatar

Well there’s always the daily propagandist who is blond and wears a cross!!!!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--and, thus, will be safe from any First Lady's long teeth!

Expand full comment
Elaine Young's avatar

I think you mean “melanoma”

Expand full comment
Stephen Brady's avatar

He tweeted her name as “Melanie” one night in his first term.

Expand full comment
MLK's avatar

He'll move on to Ivanka at long last.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Yes, those long teeth just might draw blood!

Expand full comment
L. R. Abramson's avatar

I'd been thinking that trump decided to swap melania for grislaine, but then saw that the latter is the elder.

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

For sure! It must feel great to break the good news!

Expand full comment
Deborah Blinder's avatar

She'd certainly know how to put the "vice" in "vice president"!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

As if Trump doesn't know enough about that!

Expand full comment
Sean M Carlin's avatar

She can save JD some time by leaving her eye make up in the prison cell.

Expand full comment
Alan's avatar

Sean , great idea! And it's ironic that earlier this year JD thoughtfully named his couch "Maybelline ".

Expand full comment
Bill Morgan's avatar

Hi Andy. Would fit right in with Trump’s idea of justice. He pardoned all the clowns convicted by a jury or Judge in the January 6th attempt to overthrow the election

Expand full comment
J Cheng's avatar

Another great start to another week! I agree. I don't think Ghislaine will be up to anything stupid if she gets released, and even if she becomes VP, we all know they disappear anyway.

Expand full comment
Karen Scofield's avatar

Teehee 😉👈💯💯💯💯👍

Expand full comment
Jan's avatar

Everyone knows that the orange fool has no foresight or vision beyond his own immediate gratification. A pardon here could bite him in his tubby lard ass. I sincerely hope it does.

Expand full comment
Joseph M Becker's avatar

Pardoned, no; executed, yes.

Just ask Jordy Feldman, the Administrator of the Epstein Victims’ Compensation Program* about the stories the young girls told about The Perv and The Pimp [or should it be Pimpess?] In fact, referring to Epstein as a Perv is akin to referring to Trump as a humanitarian, or RFK, Jr. as another Dr. Albert Schweitzer.

* https://www.businessinsider.com/inside-jeffrey-epstein-victims-compensation-program-fund-2022-1

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

Ghislaine is scheduled to make a press conference this afternoon where she explains that not only did Trump not take advantage of underage girls, he is trans and was seen in many of the photos of Epstein as an underage girl.

Expand full comment
Andy Borowitz's avatar

I knew it!

Expand full comment
Lynn Van Haren's avatar

He only attended the parties to read Biblical passages to Epstein

Expand full comment
LHS's avatar

You just reminded me of Alexandra Petri's recent column in The Atlantic. It's spot-on! But it also has a funny bit about what Trump was reading at those parties. https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/archive/2025/07/trump-epstein-files-tale/683674/ (Not sure if The Atlantic will let you read that without a subscription.) I hope Andy gets Alexandra on Substack for an interview one of these days!

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

Quote: “Again and again, my new friend would drag me to parties that I had no interest in attending. I was miserable. I sat in the front row at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show with my biography of William McKinley open on my lap. But it was hard to read in the dark room, and I was not getting to the part that explained what tariffs were as fast as I would have liked.”

Expand full comment
Figment Of Imagination's avatar

I’ve been wondering where Alexandra Petri ended up! When I canceled my WP subscription, she was on maternity leave. Was hoping she had jumped ship! Absolutely adore her sarcastic wit that so often rings true. Similar to Andy.

Can’t read the article without a subscription. Don’t know if The Atlantic is worth a subscription. Haven’t ever read it. 🤷‍♀️

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

I find The Atlantic pretty good. They have lots of articles.

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

Alexandra Petri is a gem. Thanks for letting me know how to find her work.👏

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--and Trump wore gloves as the pages burned his little fingers!

Expand full comment
Paul Freedman's avatar

Trump likes to use very inappropriate songs at his rallies. I am predicting that at his next rally he will have a recording of Maurice Chevalier singing “Thank heaven for little girls”.

Expand full comment
William R MEYER's avatar

Someone with media skills has got to do this. A leering perverse Trump overlaid with images of young girls.

Expand full comment
Janeo's avatar

Glenn, you are so funny!

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

What you've said is great, but I'm afraid my imagination can't take even a younger adult trump and put him into a teenage girl's body.

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

That's just you. Trump's MAGA supporters will totally believe it.

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

Good point. I do realize that my imagination is probably too literal in this instance.

Expand full comment
LYNN COOK's avatar

...and in this case Susan...thank goodness for paltry pleasures.!

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

My imagination thanks you, Lynn. Definitely a pleasure to have that limit.

Expand full comment
L. R. Abramson's avatar

Susan, we all know what you're saying, but, please, rephrase it.

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

L.R., I'm not sure what you would like to see changed. I apologize if I'm dense here, but I'm afraid I don't get it. I thought what I described was what the original comment was talking about.

Expand full comment
User's avatar
Comment deleted
4dEdited
Comment deleted
Expand full comment
L. R. Abramson's avatar

I'd best go to sleep.

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

I will always vote for sleep. And one never knows when their mind is going to land on a different perspective. I think it happens to the best of us, especially as we get older. Hope you get a good night's sleep.

Expand full comment
LYNN COOK's avatar

Yes..you should.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

No one, but no one, could ever make Trump look like an underage girl!

Expand full comment
JAMES LEE FLEMING's avatar

That makes total sense. Hiw did this ever get suppressed?

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

Well Epstein hid this fact out of embarrassment. You see, one evening after a party Jeffrey was seen running from his mansion yellng "Ewww! Ewww" Trump had fooled him for a moment you see. Now, don't go thinking that Epstein was anti-gay or anti-trans - the problem was Trump was over 50 years old and from Epsteins perspective about 35 years after his sell-by-date.

Expand full comment
Pam Casale's avatar

Very clever

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Neither the Photoshop nor the plastic surgery lasted.

Expand full comment
Kristen Bilton's avatar

I simply cannot stop laughing....

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

Hilarious! 😺

Expand full comment
Ada Fuller's avatar

I wonder if JD’s wife suggested this solution?

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

not only suggested, but she packed his bags. . . . hmmmm, wonder what's in them?

Expand full comment
The Rickster's avatar

She’s shipping the couch separately.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

-with the throw pillows?

Expand full comment
Ada Fuller's avatar

Hahaha!

Expand full comment
Kate Decker's avatar

omg !! :-) !!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Yes, to Trump in secret! She wants a new couch from IKEA before the tariffs hit!

Expand full comment
James B.'s avatar

Great idea. I would want JD Vance to serve out Ghislaine’s sentence in a men’s prison in El Salvador. I’m sure Vance would do fine there.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

he's going to need to shave his head and get a few tats before he moves in

Expand full comment
Mark Tremblay's avatar

Nixon and Trump one on each cheek

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

--which squish together in a glue squeeze!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

he and Roger Stone can compare body "art"

Expand full comment
Kathy's avatar

As a new catholic, JD can proselytize among the heathen prisoners

Expand full comment
Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

All the older Catholics (see: me)

have heard hierarchy offer every lie imaginable for interfering with children. Keep Smokey-Eyes Vance away from Juvie.

Expand full comment
Charles Wagner's avatar

I thought most for the prisoners were Catholic. Isn't there somebody in the U.S. Catholic Church in charge who is supposed to be complaining about the abuse.

Expand full comment
Kathy's avatar

From recent reports, the guards in the el Salvador prison are def sinners… JD can work on them🤣

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Well, we hope so, don't we? I think the Los Angeles Diocese archbishop

has said or done something. I saw it briefly on the news at the laundromat.

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

Excellent suggestion!

Expand full comment
Gerry Boyce's avatar

I dunno JD may be a little long in the tooth for that crowd

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

He'd be the prettiest one there!

Expand full comment
Beth McClellan's avatar

A perfect trade-off! That trump, he's such a deal-maker ...

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

no one makes deals like Monty Hall, errrr I mean, Donald tRump

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

Seems to me trump could have learned something from Monty Hall. At least his deals were real (to the best of my knowledge).

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

If only Donald Trump would go through Door Number Three and disappear!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

like Narnia, but its actually Hell :)

Expand full comment
Bob's avatar

I checked this on Snopes. It's true.

Expand full comment
Mary Gilbert's avatar

😝

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

<golf clap>

Expand full comment
Maria Jette's avatar

🏆

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

lol 😺😺😺

Expand full comment
Gary Farrar's avatar

One time when Trump was on the island, Maxwell bumped into him and said "I beg your pardon." Trump said "Later".

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> you, Sir, win the internet for the day (after Andy, of course)

Expand full comment
Gary Farrar's avatar

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Be sure to check out the buffet and fill out our survey.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

and don't forget to tip the wait staff!

Expand full comment
Gary Farrar's avatar

LOL!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Yes: "Buy Tesla stock immediately!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Is there all you can eat shrimp at the buffet? I'll pass on the orange jello!

Expand full comment
Judith Richards's avatar

🤣🤣🤣

Expand full comment
Louis Judson's avatar

I just saw a great new word thanks to Pizarro, the cartoonist of Bizzaro:

IQnon. It's very descriptive!

Expand full comment
Susan Stone's avatar

Love it!!

Expand full comment
Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Perfect😂😂😂😂

Expand full comment
Patricia P's avatar

How sad is it that this wouldn’t be his worst hiring decision?

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Maxwell probably doesn't even know how to use Signal! Neither do many of us!

Expand full comment
John Silas "Si" Hopkins, III's avatar

With the emphasis on VICE, no doubt.

Expand full comment
John Silas "Si" Hopkins, III's avatar

Perhaps not everyone realized that this comment relates to making Ghislaine Maxwell the VICE President.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

She'll give Trump foot rubs! Like she did Epstein!

Expand full comment
Susan Mongar's avatar

Oh, my goodness, Andy! You have somehow broken into Trump‘s dreams!

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

What a frightening prospect!

Expand full comment
Meighan Corbett's avatar

Andy, you always put a smile on my face!

Expand full comment
Susan McIntosh's avatar

JD will write another book while in the slammer: Jailbird Elegy.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

The elegy would be his own

Expand full comment
Janeo's avatar

Seriously, why isn't the media publishing excerpts from her indictment and her trial as a reminder of what scum she is, and everyone associated with these heinous people, including the Pardoner in Chief?

Expand full comment
Bruce Maslack's avatar

It makes as much sense to appoint Ghislaine VP, as it did for most of his other appointments.

Expand full comment
Frau Katze's avatar

Totally.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Word!

Expand full comment
Joseph T. Babcock's avatar

Actually Andy is correct I am also opposed to any pardon but making her VP would be a smart move for Trump. This would allow her to become a full time procurer of young girls for Trump. What could be better. Of course he has never met her or talked to her.

Expand full comment
Joan Witte's avatar

Oh, come on! He said he thought she might have fetched coffee for him once.

Expand full comment