WH Press Secretary Leavitt explained that the accident was caused by Peter Pecker's confusion with the new alphabet -- a skill he didn't have to master as a Fox News host.
He simply confused the letters E and U.
She elaborated, "He was told in a top secret Signal communication that DEI was being expunged -- and thought it said DUI.
"When told by little Marco that we were dissociating our nation from the EU he was further confused. And when he turned to Sesame Street for help, he learned that PBS was being defunded."
PH staggered up to the lectern and added, "Effective immediately, my new Secretary of the Air Force is my also my new alphabet tutor: Big Bird!"
Hogsbreath- the new school for aspiring Trump appointees! Pass these tests- invite journalists from the NYT and WSJ into classified briefings; design and build a makeup studio for the cabinet office you wish to occupy; take the drink til you puke Kegseth test.
Nancy -- Pete thinks the public broadcasting station's initials are PMS, which he opposes. Once again he's only one letter off, confusing a "B" with an "M" (the two letters that define the cabinet). 🤔
Great conversation!! PMS, Kegseth, Hogsbreath..😂 An appropriate test for DUI for this dipshit would be holding a match to his mouth. Just like a flaming shot..😏
M.E. -- We got a new alphabet when this administration decided to remove the letters D, E and I from everything including: museums, libraries, schools, corporations and every government agency's website.
Oh, god, I love it!! 😂I needed this today of all days. One can only hope! As Jon Stewart said, it ain’t a plane, it’s a flying fuck palace!!! (Paraphrasing here…) Hegseth will be just fine! Drunks are notoriously rubbery in accidents. The pertinent question is: do we have to pay back the Qataris? I’m positive DUI Pete has no insurance…😏
The important point to the story is that this little joy ride would solve the very real problem of 47 accepting the jet and having it fitted out as Air Force 1.
I've always thought the Hedgehog was completely useless. This changed my mind. tRump can appoint him his new AF1 personal pilot for the ride home from Qatar! A twofer.
Sadly, for a moment I thought the headline for this story was real. This attests both to Borowitz’s brilliance and the Trump administration’s absurdity.
Andy, here is an old logic problem: Andy, being Andy, always speaks the truth. Trump, being Trump, always lies. A slip of paper with an identical statement is fixed to each's forehead and neither can see his own. They are seated facing each other. Both say the other's statement is false. What is on the statement?
Quite correct sir!! There is a huge literature on the Liar Paradox and penumbral issues. I own a good amount of them from my old philosophy days. Smullyan wrote an enormous amount on it and I may have unconsciously used one of his problems. My puzzle is definitely not original to me.
You are very astute! Both men spent no small amount of time looking at self-referencing and internally contradictory statements and trying to examine under what if any conditions we could assign truth values to them. Godel came at it from a more formal system direction whereas Smullyan who had a very playful, albeit first-class mind, looked at as more of a game a lá J.H. Conway did in some of his math. I have a second-rank mind a bit stylistically like Smullyan and Conway.
BTW you might look it up it I think Smullyan may have actually written a pretty rigorous book about Godel and the incompleteness theorems in his Salad years. I don't own it- too dry for my amateur tastes. Sorry to ramble. I have forgotten so much I can't answer your question!
Yes but using the qualifier "sometimes" forces truthful Andy to admit that Trump sometimes will inadvertently tell the truth whereas deceitful Trump will just say, "False!"
Thanks, Andy! Friends- there’s something you can do today from ANYWHERE. Phonebank to support Ras Baraka, Mayor of Newark, in the upcoming primary for Governor of NJ. Mayor Baraka was arrested last week for trying to conduct necessary oversight of an ICE detention facility in his city. We need leaders who stand up. Here’s the info:
WHEN: Weds 5/14 @ 6:30 pm (other sessions available too)
I'm headed to my Town Council meeting where, miraculously, they are holding a "Listening Session for Constituent Concerns about the current federal administration" !!!
It was not well attended, but of the 18 or so townspeople there, in the end all but 3 spoke (and those 3 were high school students who chickened out at the last minute! :)
If there was anyone in the room who supported Trump, they kept very quiet. It was clear our Mayor and 4 of the 5 Council members present were as alarmed as the rest of us are. The best news was that the mayor promised to do this twice a month for the foreseeable future.
Good to know. I heard one of my professional colleagues say on a bus in Portugal that people were trying to assinate the wrong Presidential candidate ( Ie Trump) . I was so offended I could hardly speak. This person is a healthcare professional in Boone.
Wasn't at all. Four members of the Council (which is all but one) spoke as citizens, not council members, and they were as alarmed as the rest of us. As for "names on a list," most of us are extremely open about our feelings and we have had 2 very large rallies and will have another June 14. Let's don't get paranoid here! (until we have to!)
Thanks! You pronounced my name correctly!! So many people see it and say Seats! And I love the word “souse”! Haven’t heard that one in a long time - perfect word for Hegseth!
Oh my the first thing I saw this morning and I could imagine Hegseth doing figure eights with a bottle of Jack in his hands. Thanks for this. Now my day can begin!
served by Qatar stewardess, Pam Bondi, appointed by ConOLD to serve passengers on his plane (because if Rubio can have a couple of jobs, why can't Blondie Bondi?)
I seriously doubt little Petey drove the 747 into the tree. I posit, this son/daughter of Treebeard bravely felled themselves in front of the sweerving aircraft, in a hurculean effort to remove, for the good of all non-MAGAt mankind and Ents worldwide, the Defense Dildo from the gene pool.
I've launched a GoFundMe effort to plant 10000 Ents in National Parks country wide, as a memorial to this brave, selfless hero of an Oak.
It was previously the case that only my sister could make me laugh through my nose. Thank you. 😂😂
Flattering!! Thank you ❤️
Ah, to make one laugh through all the other orifices. Life goals!
I once laughed at one of your pieces waiting in a long line at confession.
Knowing Pete, it wasn't 750ml but a braggadocious 750L
Ok Bob, did you confess that?😏
I thought I just did.
THE DIFFERENCE ONE LETTER MAKES!
WH Press Secretary Leavitt explained that the accident was caused by Peter Pecker's confusion with the new alphabet -- a skill he didn't have to master as a Fox News host.
He simply confused the letters E and U.
She elaborated, "He was told in a top secret Signal communication that DEI was being expunged -- and thought it said DUI.
"When told by little Marco that we were dissociating our nation from the EU he was further confused. And when he turned to Sesame Street for help, he learned that PBS was being defunded."
PH staggered up to the lectern and added, "Effective immediately, my new Secretary of the Air Force is my also my new alphabet tutor: Big Bird!"
Thank you for explaining the apparent confusion of Hogsbreath. Can he make a statement about why we NEED PBS? Or would that be too DEI.
Hogsbreath- the new school for aspiring Trump appointees! Pass these tests- invite journalists from the NYT and WSJ into classified briefings; design and build a makeup studio for the cabinet office you wish to occupy; take the drink til you puke Kegseth test.
Nancy -- Pete thinks the public broadcasting station's initials are PMS, which he opposes. Once again he's only one letter off, confusing a "B" with an "M" (the two letters that define the cabinet). 🤔
Probably. I don't think faux "news" personalities need to know the alphabet.
Way too DEI. Tell him PBS stands for Public Booze Subsidies.
So if we enable him by paying for his Jack Daniels (aka Jacky D) he might save PBS for us.
To save PBS he'll need a guaranteed friendship with Oscar the Grouch (no relation to Cathy the Couch of Justa legends).
Just so.
Great conversation!! PMS, Kegseth, Hogsbreath..😂 An appropriate test for DUI for this dipshit would be holding a match to his mouth. Just like a flaming shot..😏
this is great !
I think y'all are being very cruel to Pete. He can't help being such an idiot.
(New alphabet? When did we get a new alphabet? No wonder Idiot Boy is confused.)
M.E. -- We got a new alphabet when this administration decided to remove the letters D, E and I from everything including: museums, libraries, schools, corporations and every government agency's website.
Oohhh. Thank you for enlightening me; I thought the Oxford English Dictionary was pulling another fast one on us.
Brilliant!
Andy is why I have nasal problems! ;)
We Snorters should form our own Borowitzer subset. Just tossing it out there to my fellow snorters.
Yes, and we need merch! Andy, we need merch!!!
Indeed!! AB for prez!!😏
Agreed!
😂😂😂
😂
😂😂😂
As long as you’re not mid-sip of some Tignanello, Cynthia.
'Love your sister! 🥰🤣
Cynthia- It's been years since I SNORTED!!
😂😂😂
same here!
Oh, god, I love it!! 😂I needed this today of all days. One can only hope! As Jon Stewart said, it ain’t a plane, it’s a flying fuck palace!!! (Paraphrasing here…) Hegseth will be just fine! Drunks are notoriously rubbery in accidents. The pertinent question is: do we have to pay back the Qataris? I’m positive DUI Pete has no insurance…😏
Well, we have to blame Elon for that one...he told Pete it was a self-driving jet so he could leave the cockpit and get another bourbon on the rocks.
And that's where he wound up - on the rocks.
Nothing straight up about him
He punched in Autopilot on-the-rocks before the mini-bar sprint.
I think we're talking FSD as the word from the fascist wunderkind.
Pete is so dumb he believes Musk.
Trump is also so dumb, he believes Musk! Those who voted
for Trump were so dumb, they voted for him!
Dumb-de-dumb-dumb all around!
Yes. You can see Stupid written across his forehead...hence all of the make-up.
Written with a fat Sharpie while he was piss-drunk passed out.
Well of course! Brilliant assessment.
--and the plane went into the tree and landed on the Boulders of Bad Experiences.
Heading to the newly installed, custom made bar room beside the new make up room behind the cockpit.
Kegsmith....
if only. Why can't fiction and humor rule the world instead of the ugly realities of greed and stupidity?
The important point to the story is that this little joy ride would solve the very real problem of 47 accepting the jet and having it fitted out as Air Force 1.
G'morning, Susan. Hope it will be be based at the poor old Newark Liberty Airport.
I've always thought the Hedgehog was completely useless. This changed my mind. tRump can appoint him his new AF1 personal pilot for the ride home from Qatar! A twofer.
If we're lucky, that ride might mirror the last flight of Prigozhin.
Invent a cryptocurrency with those two things in mind?
At least he didn't try to land it on an aircraft carrier.
Would that he had!
YES!
LOL. . We've already lost two planes under this drunk's watch 🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸
Yup! In the drink they went! :>/
Flipped over like a dead shark.
....or a destroyer 😱
or a tugboat
Wondered what /who I glimpsed playing miniature golf at Smarmy a Largo the other day. A hippopotamus...??? but perhaps it was a tugboat after all!
Not yet. Give him time.
Thank you Andy for my first laugh of the day, everyday!
Sadly, for a moment I thought the headline for this story was real. This attests both to Borowitz’s brilliance and the Trump administration’s absurdity.
Everything I write is true
Which is why we read you. Plus, you’re funny.
Andy, here is an old logic problem: Andy, being Andy, always speaks the truth. Trump, being Trump, always lies. A slip of paper with an identical statement is fixed to each's forehead and neither can see his own. They are seated facing each other. Both say the other's statement is false. What is on the statement?
I tell the truth
Quite correct sir!! There is a huge literature on the Liar Paradox and penumbral issues. I own a good amount of them from my old philosophy days. Smullyan wrote an enormous amount on it and I may have unconsciously used one of his problems. My puzzle is definitely not original to me.
So now Trump (who, by hypothesis, always lies) says "I always lie." What would Smullyan (or Kurt Gödel) say about that?
You are very astute! Both men spent no small amount of time looking at self-referencing and internally contradictory statements and trying to examine under what if any conditions we could assign truth values to them. Godel came at it from a more formal system direction whereas Smullyan who had a very playful, albeit first-class mind, looked at as more of a game a lá J.H. Conway did in some of his math. I have a second-rank mind a bit stylistically like Smullyan and Conway.
BTW you might look it up it I think Smullyan may have actually written a pretty rigorous book about Godel and the incompleteness theorems in his Salad years. I don't own it- too dry for my amateur tastes. Sorry to ramble. I have forgotten so much I can't answer your question!
"He always tells the truth"?
Yes but using the qualifier "sometimes" forces truthful Andy to admit that Trump sometimes will inadvertently tell the truth whereas deceitful Trump will just say, "False!"
Yes-the old standard: ‘I speak in truth, not in fact’. Love your truthful words, Andy. 😂
Thanks, Andy! Friends- there’s something you can do today from ANYWHERE. Phonebank to support Ras Baraka, Mayor of Newark, in the upcoming primary for Governor of NJ. Mayor Baraka was arrested last week for trying to conduct necessary oversight of an ICE detention facility in his city. We need leaders who stand up. Here’s the info:
WHEN: Weds 5/14 @ 6:30 pm (other sessions available too)
LINK TO SIGN UP: https://mobilize.us/s/SYBOY0/r
I'm headed to my Town Council meeting where, miraculously, they are holding a "Listening Session for Constituent Concerns about the current federal administration" !!!
Please get back to us on how it went down!
It was not well attended, but of the 18 or so townspeople there, in the end all but 3 spoke (and those 3 were high school students who chickened out at the last minute! :)
If there was anyone in the room who supported Trump, they kept very quiet. It was clear our Mayor and 4 of the 5 Council members present were as alarmed as the rest of us are. The best news was that the mayor promised to do this twice a month for the foreseeable future.
What town?
Boone, NC
Good for Boone!
I thought Boone was a Republican stronghold. Everyone I’ve met from there a has been a Republican- most of them MAGA 🤮
Nope. Boone is a university town -- liberal. There are quite a few Republicans in the area, but Watauga County always goes blue because of Boone.
Good to know. I heard one of my professional colleagues say on a bus in Portugal that people were trying to assinate the wrong Presidential candidate ( Ie Trump) . I was so offended I could hardly speak. This person is a healthcare professional in Boone.
--but if the town council has earmuffs on.....
Hope it isn't a ploy to get progressives out of the woodwork and put their names
on a list.
Wasn't at all. Four members of the Council (which is all but one) spoke as citizens, not council members, and they were as alarmed as the rest of us. As for "names on a list," most of us are extremely open about our feelings and we have had 2 very large rallies and will have another June 14. Let's don't get paranoid here! (until we have to!)
Also, the mayor told us they will hold these sessions twice a month for the foreseeable future.
Thank you for the info.
Yay!!!!!!
Jeffrey Goldberg tried to get him to call a Lyft instead...
On the secret phone line.
--but Pete's Signal app was turned off!
Pete Hegseth and Jeanine Pirro were in the cockpit fighting over the dregs of a liquor bottle when the nosedive occurred.
I heard they were still fighting over that eyebrow pencil......
As if fighting over makeup isn't bad enough!
Pete Hesgeth’s maiden airline cruise;
Would it make the headlines at Fox News?
Pete could claim that night was black and cloudy,
Or that he was hijacked by a Saudi.
Did he upchuck in the gilded sinks
After speed-imbibing airplane drinks?
(There’s his firm right hand upon the throttle.
In his other hand, a Bourbon bottle).
Was SECDEF as sober as a judge?
Did he nurse an anti-oak-tree grudge?
It’s high time that Pete went on safari
With some well-armed hunters, all Qatari,
And as Pete was knocking back a belt,
They’d ’disappear’ him in the veldt.
A small step to leave that souse behind,
And a giant leap for all mankind.
Love it🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wow!! That is worthy of some literary humor prize!! Made my day!!
As we struggle for our rights,
Nervous days and sleepless nights,
We’ll reverse the Trumpy blights
If we keep them in our SEITS.
Thanks! You pronounced my name correctly!! So many people see it and say Seats! And I love the word “souse”! Haven’t heard that one in a long time - perfect word for Hegseth!
Like Winston said: Use the old words, and the short old words are best.
As Burns once said:
"Frae less to mair it gaed to sticks;
Frae words an’ aiths to clours an’ nicks,
An’ mony a fallow gat his licks,"
Hegseth wrestling with the autopilot on the way down.
Wi’ Burns’ Ayrshire dialect,
Weil, laddie, I am truly fecked.
‘Though Lowland bluid flows in these veins,
My accent sounds like clotted drains.
How braw to see Soused Peter flail
To gandyhoop (bring about) the aircraft’s tail.
But fou and clueless, Pete did choke
An’ noo the Sassenachs all joke
That Hesgeth, not a clever bloke,
An’ mixin’ ethanol with coke,
(Nae rulin’ oot a healthy toke)
Has run that jet into an oak,
And, golly! Watch the flames an’ smoke!
Trump’s comment: How Can you turn down a free beautiful plane?
Troy: how can you turn down a free beautiful wooden horse.
<golf clap>
Annette, i agree.
Oh my the first thing I saw this morning and I could imagine Hegseth doing figure eights with a bottle of Jack in his hands. Thanks for this. Now my day can begin!
A bottle of John
served by Qatar stewardess, Pam Bondi, appointed by ConOLD to serve passengers on his plane (because if Rubio can have a couple of jobs, why can't Blondie Bondi?)
Is she mentally capable of two jobs at the same time?
Maybe not.
she's barely capable of one job, but ConOLD likes blondes serving him...
I live in Florida now, and can say, with confidence, that she’s not capable of being anything but a spineless sycophant. She excels at that.
Hand and blow? Yeah. She could do that.
I’m sure Pete would drink Jack too.Drunks aren’t usually that picky…
Or Jim
I would point out that Jack is a known nickname for John…
They're all friends
...but no friends of Bill W.
He received his pilot's license from Fox News.
--printed on Roger Ailes' old stationery.
Leavitt blamed it on Qatar’s infamous DEI program.
Now it comes out. Lol 😺
Leavitt would blame it on a left-leaning, lunatic tree.
I seriously doubt little Petey drove the 747 into the tree. I posit, this son/daughter of Treebeard bravely felled themselves in front of the sweerving aircraft, in a hurculean effort to remove, for the good of all non-MAGAt mankind and Ents worldwide, the Defense Dildo from the gene pool.
I've launched a GoFundMe effort to plant 10000 Ents in National Parks country wide, as a memorial to this brave, selfless hero of an Oak.
Unfortunately, Hegseth survived.... Thanks Andy for the morning inspiration.
More important: is the tree play?