Paxton Blasts Talarico’s Lack of Criminal Record

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HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—The US Senate race in Texas got uglier on Thursday as Republican Ken Paxton accused Democrat James Talarico of lacking the requisite criminal record to represent the Lone Star State in Washington.

“With all due respect, my opponent doesn’t have the cojones to go on a crime spree,” he told a crowd of supporters in Houston. “James Talarico never saw a law he didn’t abide.”

Drawing a stark contrast between himself and Talarico, Paxton said, “My criminal record is as big as Texas itself.”

Paxton warned that, given the lawless environment that currently prevails in Washington DC, a non-crook like Talarico would be a “dangerous choice,” adding, “Texas deserves a criminal who doesn’t need on-the-job training.”

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Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance’s Upcoming Book on Catholicism

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TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

Peek into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope by reading excerpts here.