397 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Big congrats to our caption contest winner!

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Al Keim's avatar

That doctor should run for congress.

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ElizabethRTX's avatar

Rather, replace RFK, Jr. with him. He has medical credentials.

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John Townsend's avatar

--for President!

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Al Keim's avatar

1500%

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marypaz's avatar

Perfect, Andy, perfect.

Thank you for starting my day with a smile and a chuckle!

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Alan's avatar
1dEdited

WHERE's COSTELLO???

Andy -- Mexico was actually poised to accept their surprise gift of Texas -- until they learned that Governor Abbott was NOT accompanied by his sidekick Costello.

When they initially viewed this video, they were confident it depicted the Republicans leading the Texas executive and legislative branches 🤔🤔🤔

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iYI100UfJV4

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Alan's avatar
1dEdited

ADDENDUM -- CRUZ SIGHTING

On the modern roster, Ted Cruz was sighted way way out in Left Field -- an unfamiliar location for a right-winger but out of view of most spectators.

He's still trying to get promoted to 3rd base but has not achieved the knowledge level and integrity of the incumbent, "I don't know"!

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Ann Rock's avatar

Small correction….Cruz is definitely in RIGHT field. The left wouldn’t have him.

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Alan's avatar
1dEdited

Ann, it's not clear anyone from either party wants to work or socialize with him 🫣

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Mike Sabes's avatar

Maybe he is planning another vacation to Cancun? And should move there forever!

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John Townsend's avatar

--and play "beisbol" there forever!

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Al Keim's avatar

He's with Who on first.

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Janet Brittle's avatar

or Hu.

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Al Keim's avatar

Hu is on Second with Watt but Woo pitches for Seattle.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Alan, you outdid yourself with this one and the comment on Ted Cruz. I had never seen the "Who's on first" routine before, and it's now obvious to me why Mexico said "no thank you".

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Joan DeMartin's avatar

That routine is a classic for good reason!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Yes it is. My lousy hearing made it very difficult to understand Costello, but I got enough to get the point. I wonder how much of our country views my state that way÷

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Marmo's avatar

Susan Stone: You can find a copy of the script online and read along with them. It's word twisting at its best.

Sadly, it sounds like 21st century politics, except the politics are based on lies, not misunderstandings.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Thank you, Marmo. I'll have to look for it. With regard to it being like our politics, misunderstandings can be funny, but our politics sure aren't.

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Alan's avatar

Susan -- have you tried using Nuance Audio Glasses (available at Target Optical. And Lens Crafters with a 30-day free trial period)? Two close friends have found them to be very effective.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Alan, I've never heard of those, but also haven't needed glasses since I had cataract surgery 6 years ago. I do wear prescription hearing aids, but may need to get new ones. It's good to know that there are things out there to help us hear better. Thank you for the suggestion.

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Wis's avatar

“Who’s on first” is a classic routine! A piece of Americana. 💕

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Alan's avatar

Susan, I'm glad you enjoyed the video of their classic comedy routine -- it has not aged in 88 years!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Oh my! That routine is older than I am by a few years. I agree that it is hilarious. And I have downloaded the "lyrics" so I can get all the way through it. Thank you, Alan.

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Annette's avatar

<giggle>

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Marmo's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣! Where's Costello??? And, Who's on first! 🤣🤣 My bro used to have a poster with the whole bit on his wall (okay, I gave it to him). It makes a lot more sense than what the MAGAs spew!

No, Mexico doesn't want Texas unless they can get the whole routine, but I thnk that the new redistricting came with a No Backsies clause.

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Alan's avatar
1dEdited

Marmo - you nailed it on both points. The A&C bit makes more sense plus makes us all laugh while the Texas-R gambits only draw out head scratches and an assortment of negative emotions.

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John Townsend's avatar

Mexico is sick of our routines.

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Susan's avatar

Thank you! Haven't seen this for many years 🤣🤣🤣

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Alan's avatar
1dEdited

Susan -- It's a true classic that originated in 1937 -- way before my youth. So it's been replayed and quoted for 88 years!

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Perfect timing all around, Alan. I also watched a performance they did in '53. Laugh hard, feel clean.

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marypaz's avatar

Ha ha ha... I love it!

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Kathy Boyd's avatar

ha ha ha

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kdsherpa's avatar

Very clever!

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Wis's avatar

Oh, this is hilarious, Alan!! 😅

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Thanks for a great laugh!

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Kathleen Rayson's avatar

Had a look at the video. Thanks for sharing it! Hysterical! 🤣🤣🤣

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meryl selig's avatar

I wouldn’t accept anything that included misanthrope and misfit Greg Abbott

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John Townsend's avatar

Gov. Abbott is off-base!

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Bren M's avatar

Mexico would at least provide them with a good government.

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Susan Anton's avatar

And that government includes a far superior President.

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MaryT's avatar

The U.S. could also have had two "far superior" [women] Presidents as well, if it was not so sexist, racist, and unenlightened.

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John Townsend's avatar

Yes!

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Al Keim's avatar

Then we could make DC a state. A secure border and 50 stars in one fell swoop.

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Susan Stone's avatar

As a Texan I feel totally rejected now!! 😇

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Wis's avatar

Susan: YOU are most definitely not rejected! The mutants in charge of the TX government are!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Thank you, Wis. I love your description of the government honchos as mutants.

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Marmo's avatar

Please don't feel rejected, Susan. I have several close friends in Texas, and some distant cousins. There are some good people in Texas - we'll get you all out before we hand it over and build a wall. As with everywhere, there are all sorts of people. It's the government of Texas that is most disturbing.

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Mary K's avatar

Yes, we want Beto, too!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Marmo, I would love to take a lot of El Paso with me when I'm gotten out. I spend my life in doctor visits (seemingly), and I would hate have to leave behind all my medical people, and all the native plants I've grown from seed that populate our yard. I've done cross country moves twice as an adult and don't have the energy to do another major move. With people like you, I don't feel rejected. Some of the comments just got to me.

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Marmo's avatar

I understand, Susan Stone. You love your home and don't like to hear it trashed, even if bad things are happening.

I'm in FL which takes the ideas from Texas and makes them worse. I love my apartment, I love my friends, I'm fighting to save a wonderful neighborhood from greedy investors, I love the plants that I've nurtured - and like you, I feel blessed to have a great doctor (who deserves to be saved along with his staff when we give FL to Cuba) - and, like you, I'd not survive another move (I came here to stay forever). I understand how you feel.

Please don't take it personally. I know that when the TBR group speaks of disliking Texas or disliking FL, they mean only the bad people. They don't mean the pockets of good people who don't run away, but stand firm to fight the good fight.

In my fantasy, when the wall is built around Texas, you and all the good people are relocated, along with your plants and pets, to a similar looking place - as I shall be when they build the wall sealing off FL. With FL they could, instead of a wall, just pile a bunch of books at the border to keep people from trying to cross - folks here seem awfully scared of books!

Good luck with your health, and tell your plants that I send fond regards.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Thank you again, Marmo. I really appreciate your support. I promise to try to look at anti-Texas comments differently, considering what you said. I may have over-reacted because I'm still recovering from a recent surgery. I would need a lot of doctors to go with me if I moved anywhere - I can't believe how many specialists I have to see regularly. My plants appreciate your care, even though as desert plants some of them feel very hostile when humans get too close - cacti, and especially the Torrey Yuccas. I send fond regards to your plants, and I feel for you living in Florida. I believe you are right about needing a wall of books to keep Floridians where they are. I have a dear friend who lives in Ocala - but she travels and she reads, so I don't think the wall of books would bother her. Your support means the world to me.

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Hell, Susan, Texas Dems are the best: Barbara Jordan; the Richards, mother and daughter; darling Molly Ivins; my own mama, for several years. And LBJ, a great national legislator. Now I have some hopes pinned on Jasmine Crockett.

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Susan Stone's avatar

I agree with you. Jasmine Crockett is great and I love her. My current rep, Veronica Escobar is great, and I'm also a fan of Beto O'Rourke and Wendy Davis. i would still like to see both of them get somewhere with an elected office.

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

No, no, Susan, you can stay. Lots of Texans can stay; we'll tinker with the borders.

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Susan Stone's avatar

That sounds like a great idea, especially if you can get them to exclude the trumpiest of the neighbors on my block.

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John Townsend's avatar

Susan, Ann Richards is probably a-twirl in her grave over what's going on

now.

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Wis's avatar

Ah, dear Ann! I miss her!

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

Never mentioned by current Texans is the inconvenient truth that Mexico

outlawed the slave trade in 1824 and abolished slavery in 1829, and those noble fighters at the Alamo made it possible to bring back slavery…

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

American history is not for the faint of heart or the easily discouraged.

The corruption, racism, deep-seated

hatred/ disgust for The Other is ever- present, even prevalent. And easily sold to most of us.

Heads on pikes.

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Elizabeth Block's avatar

That's why the US took Texas, to expand slavery into it.

There was also William Walker, ca. 1850, who tried to take Nicaragua to expand slavery there too. Some years ago now, the US ambassador to Nicaragua was a man named William Walker. Tacky, eh?

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Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

And run by a woman, I might add!

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Robert E.'s avatar

And cheaper bribes?

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John Townsend's avatar

Asi, asi?

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Larry Williams's avatar

President Trump quickly jumped into action and fixed it with a Sharpie.

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Joan DeMartin's avatar

Good one!

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John Townsend's avatar

His jagged signature crossed out all the mistakes--and made many more!

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Kay Magilavy's avatar

Superb, Andy. Perhaps Greenland might take both Texas and Florida off our hands. What a wonderful world it would be.

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Christina Ansari's avatar

What do you have against Greenland?!

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Kay Magilavy's avatar

I love Greenland. This plan would give it plenty of leverage against a Trump takeover. He'd need a visa to come to the US.

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Mary K's avatar

With a $15,000 price tag to ensure he doesn't overstay!

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LYNN COOK's avatar

...or a Monster Card !

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Bradford W.'s avatar

When the Greenland ice melts, scratch Florida. Looks like it will take an asteroid intervention to deal with Texas.

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MB Matthews, she/her's avatar

Always Looking Up! 🙃

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Charles Hall's avatar

If an earlier asteroid intervention had been a little father north, we would not have Texas to worry about.

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John Townsend's avatar

Too late! The Texas state government already has craters for brains!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Not all of Texas is like our current government. I live in far west Texas, and we get along fine with Mexico. That said, if Greenland could get rid of the current government in both states, that might be a good thing. IMO the government is the worst part of Texas.

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Kay Magilavy's avatar

As the US government is rapidly becoming the worst part of the US. We need a rehab program for all these big and little dictators out there.

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John Townsend's avatar

More like a secure prison!

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Susan Stone's avatar

John, you stole the words right out of my mouth! My thoughts exactly, since they have proven they are not rehab-able.

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Larry Caringer's avatar

Texas Governor, Greg “Shut Your Pie Hoke” Abbott, explained the error this way: “In Texas, we love football and we love offense. We are just being offensive - big time. When we redrew the map, we made our end zone way bigger for us…because…”. His voice trailed off for a moment, then he mumbled as he rolled away, “We couldn’t win any other way.”

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Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

This is BRILLIANT!

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Annette's avatar

You, Sir, have broken the internet today . . . well played!

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meryl selig's avatar

He is a hideous vile twisted husk of a human.

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meryl selig's avatar

He = Greg Abbott can’t roll and chew gum at the same time

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

My day would be complete if Florida could be given to Cuba, along with its governor on a "No Returns Allowed" basis for the state or him.

Big kudos for the caption winner!

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Wis's avatar

Susan: Wouldn’t work. We’ve already tried to give it back to Spain in 2000, after “chad-gate”. FL wangled out of it plus Spain pretty much laughed in our faces. Cuba wouldn’t touch FL.

Remember the 2000 election and how bad we considered our state of affairs as a country, being as how we couldn’t even decide who won the presidential election?

I miss those days of simple innocence…

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Annette's avatar

<sniff> memories. . . .

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

Wis, Agreed. When I skim through the past 25 years, I am not sure whether to laugh, cry or pack my bags and humbly ask Canada for a couple of months respite somewhere where wildfires are not consuming the land.

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Wis's avatar

(Susan: yes, our fears back in the days of democracy were so “cute” comparatively. Btw, I checked - you can stay in Canada 6 mos a year, no citizenship required. I’m considering it, if I can’t become a citizen.)

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

I am just 45 minutes from Windsor. In 2016, I met a young Canadian couple in Italy. Our conversation pretty much centered around Americans heading across the border. That was when they liked us. They said all the paper work was ready. I wonder if it still is. They are boycotting Amercan goods so it follows they might boycott American citizens. Bleaugh. Wait a minute. Are we sure those fires are from wooded areas and not paper?

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Wis's avatar
1dEdited

Haha!

Call on that couple from Canada and see if they have a basement or garage you could stay in for 6 months every year!

Seriously , though, I did check. I think they’ll take Americans but it’s harder than ever, partly due to a housing shortage. I think they’re smart enough to know that those of us seeking to flee this country are likeminded, non-maggots.

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

Thanks! And it is good to know I am not the only one who calls those flat-headed creatures "maggots." I swear some might still have prehensile tails. I recently saw a guy wearing a maggot hat, and I am sure there was the tip of a tail coming out of the bottom of one leg of his grubby jeans. He kept trying to jerk his pants down to cover it. I am glad to know there is the possibility of moving north if it gets too bad here. I am so sick of Republicans using our Democracy as a urinal. It is going to be a long three years.

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Elizabeth Block's avatar

We have wildfires here, too. But we have Medicare. Eat your hearts out.

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John Townsend's avatar

Simple innocence? Simple stupidity that keeps growing wider, wider, and fungus-like.

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Wis's avatar
21hEdited

I guess I didn’t see democracy totally ending within 25 years…

All the same, I don’t think dems are getting stupid/er. Republicans, yes. Dems have been naive.

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Jerri Kamicker's avatar

I think we just have to wait for Florida to sink into the sea from the many climate disasters they refuse to acknowledge.

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Renee Collins's avatar

And the scores of people who keep moving there!

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Marmo's avatar

Not any more Renee Collins. People flocked to FL during COVID for the safer outdoor lifestyle. Now people are moving out of FL at a high rate. It's become too expensive and too dangerous.

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

Excellent. Isn't the ocean seriously encroaching to the point where insurance companies are hiding? Or, perhaps I just hoped that was happening.

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Robert E.'s avatar

The insurance companies live in houseboats.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

You're not wrong. Insurance rates, when you can get them,

equal mortgages now.

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Marmo's avatar

It's coming, Jerri Kamicker. There's proof that the coasts are sinking, but investors keep building huge towers, and Governor DeSatan has removed all wording that alludes to "climate change" from all official documents. I wish that Mar-a-Lardo would sink first.

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Barry Blue's avatar

Mrs. Post built that place so strong, it could take a direct hit and suffer no major damage. It’s the crap that The Yam built that will be blowing in the wind.

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Marmo's avatar

Mrs. Post is no doubt spinning in her grave over what he's done to the place, Barry Blue. Good taste was important to her in the same amount that tacky and vulgar are all that Dump knows.

It mght not fall down in a storm (although I bet Dump isn't keeping it in good condition), but it will fall down if the foundation is washed away. I hope that Dump is in it when that happens.

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Jerri Kamicker's avatar

Thank you for adding two words to my vocabulary -- Gov. DeSatan and Mar-a-Lardo. I think if I use the three times in a sentence, they are mine for life!

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Marmo's avatar

You're welcome Jerri Kamicker.

But, I cannot take credit for Mar-a-Lardo - that came from one of our TBR buddies.

MoRon DeSatan is mine (although probably others have thought of it). I used to call him MoRon DeMentis, but I think that DeSatan has become more appropriate.

Be careful about using them 3 times in a sentence - that might cause ICE to show up at your door. Feel free to make them yours without danger.

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John Townsend's avatar

--like Atlantis, never to rise again!

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Annette's avatar

yes, please

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Marmo's avatar

I'm in Dem area of Florida, Susan E. Keezer - MoRon DeSatan has not yet succeeded in eradicating us, not for lack of trying. But, as much as I love looking at palm trees and turquoise water, I agree that FL is more like Cuba than it is like America is supposed to be. FL is in competition with Texas for Worst State Causing Disunion. I would agree with gifting FL to Cuba if I could get help relocating - I can't face another move. But, then the Flubans would escape to the Carolinas and the trouble would be there.

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

Marmo, my Friend,

So sorry to hear of your plight. Being a Dem in FL must be the wors possible situation. I am one in a pinkish part of my state. I am very careful about anything I say in public places. You really are in deep stuff. Back in the early 80s, my parents chose to live in Florida, and I never understood why. My mother is planted there. I'd step off the plane and just knew my brain was swelling due to humidity. Yes, Flubans are slick as eels and can slither hither and yon. You have my pity.

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John Townsend's avatar

"Flubans"!

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Marmo's avatar

Thank you, Susan E. Keezer. I get a lot of pity and condolences from New Englanders I know or meet.

I'm in one of 3 counties that are very Dem at the southeastern tip of the state. The rest of FL is very Repug. There are some MAGAs down here, but that gives me the opportunity to question them - to try to understand them. Like many Dems, I'm open to hearing another opinion. Sadly, understanding their reasons only makes me dislike them more. But, there are plenty of open-minded, compassionate, intelligent people where I am. Still, the majority of the state consistently votes for a Fascist government, so they deserve to be given to one and see how that works out for them.

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Susan E Keezer's avatar

Good grief. My sympathy grows and grows. At least you have some people who are compatible. I hope you can socialize easily and without fear. I've given up trying to grasp any sliver of understanding. Five years ago, I moved from a Blue County to a pink one. I never bring anything up in public--no chit chat in restaurants, for example. Not wise. I am in a state with a Dem governor. What I have trouble with is knowing some people who are professionals, intelligent and still wear maggot hats. Why???

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Susan Moss's avatar

Congrats to the contest winner. I think you spoke for all of us…

Mexico does not deserve Texas. Mexico is a nice place.

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Robert E.'s avatar

Wait till they get Texicoed😖

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Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

Maybe Abbot can be the Tsar of the Unincorporated Kingdom of Texas. I'm sure he would love that. Of course all our friends in the state would have to leave, but Missouri could sure use some more angry Democrats.

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tecolote42's avatar

Hells bells. I have to stay; working for a small city

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

condolences...

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tecolote42's avatar

🥰♾️

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Annette's avatar

but, but, who's on first?

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

Hello from StL to my fellow blue Missourian!

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Susan Stone's avatar

I would love to help Missouri, but here in far west Texas, where I am, we don't get totally frigid winters. Snow is just an occasional event, and is usually gone by noon the next day at the latest. I like living with good weather and without tornados and snow. That said, I totally reject your suggestion for our governor. We deserve much better. Someone like Beto O'Rourke or Wendy Davis.

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It's Come To This's avatar

The Gulf of Mexico is laughing right now.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

You mean, "Gulf of America? In response to it's name change,

it has decided to eat Florida.

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Phil M.'s avatar

Well, that's just great! I was going to move to Mexico, but now it's ruined...

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Concerned Citizen's avatar

lol. And yes congratulations to our caption winner!!!!

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John King's avatar

Funny comment, but we would be stuck with Vice President Anti-Christ.

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The Rickster's avatar

No worries. Justa Dick lacks chutzpah required to power the cult.

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Kathy Roeske's avatar

Although he does have the lying part down.

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LYNN COOK's avatar

You caught me between sips...saved a clean up ! 🤗

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John Townsend's avatar

Isn't Trump the Anti-Christ?

More like Vice-President Moron Mascara von Couch-Humper!

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Deb Smith's avatar

And good riddance to Texas!

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Susan Stone's avatar

As a Texan who lives in a wonderful blue city, I would appreciate your saying good riddance to our government, not the whole state. And, IMO, if the rest of the US keeps electing trump and his like, why pick on Texas. Do you like trump?

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Marmo's avatar

Susan Stone - Don't take it personally. There are Leaders and there are Followers. Texas has always been a Leader - and right now it's been leading people astray.

Of course, not all Texans. But, for a long time many ideas for Repug horrors have come out of Texas. Texas didn't elect the Organge Shame all alone, but if Texas Repugs were to turn away from Dump, then others would follow. Even FL - the other horror-state - is weak compared to Texas. DeSatan might have taken the idea of dumping confused migrants in unprepared blue cities as punishment for both poor, scared migrants and Dem voters, but DeSatan got that cruel idea from Abbott who had started it on a smaller scale. Texas is not solely responsible, but a lot of the Repug offenses start in the Texas legislature and when Texas gets away with it, then other Repugs follow.

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Susan Stone's avatar

You are really educating me today, Marmo. I didn't realize that Texas was the leader in all these bad ideas. I know that judicially they are with Judge Matthew Kaczmarek of I believe, the 4th circuit. I still can't fathom why people in this state prefer Abbott over someone like Beto O'Rourke, who would be good for the state.

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Marmo's avatar

I don't know, either, Susan Stone.

But, think of this: Kamala Harris offered People joy - Dump offered People anger. The People voted for anger and against joy. It's baffling, for sure. Who doesn't want joy? Something is going on with People.

I'm told by my Texan friends that everyone hates Ted Cruz, but he keeps winning. Why? I'm told by my friends in Tennessee that everyone hated Mitch McConnell, but he kept winning. Why? My friends in Maine say that everyone has lost all respect for and now dislike Susan Collins, but she keeps winning. Why?

Why are People voting against their own interests is the big question right now.

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Susan Stone's avatar

I couldn't agree more. In Texas people also keep voting in Gregg Abbott and Ken Paxton. Go figure. At this point I would attribute at least some of what happens in Texas to gerrymandering. Anything to keep democrats in check. I don't understand why people vote against their own interests. I also, even though I understand it from my ealirer life, why people value anger more than joy. For me, Kamala Harris was a real breath of fresh air. I think all we can do is keep fighting, and keep voting, and hope that some people's eyes are finally opened. drumpf may actually do that to the MAGAts once the realize how expensive he's made trying to live and get healthcare.

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Linda MacDonald's avatar

Congratulations Dennis! Too bad there's no money for billboards all over the US. OR maybe there are a few brilliant Ukrainians who could hack the various FauxNews feeds with this cartoon! Your name however would not be mentioned in order to protect the innocent!😅😅😅

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misia.d's avatar
1dEdited

Yes, plant the message where working people can see it, everyday! Musk with the chainsaw for starters. Of course Andy would “be best” to write the text.

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Richard's avatar

Too funny!

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