Profile in Assclownery: CBS's New Despot

A sperm much like the one that gave us David Ellison. (Raycat via Getty Images)

Allow me to offer belated congratulations to David Ellison, the new owner/overlord of Paramount Pictures.

I say “belated” because I should have congratulated him in 1982.

That was the year that one of the billions of sperm produced by Larry Ellison, Oracle’s co-founder and the world’s second-richest man, helped conceive the nepo embryo who, nine months later, would be christened David.

Without that propitious act of fertilization, the newest chapter in the debasement of the American media could never have been written.

Having gobbled up parent company Paramount, this overconfident member of the Lucky Sperm Club has also become the proprietor of CBS News—easily the most dire pairing since RFK Jr. was entrusted with the nation’s health.

Given who their new boss is, employees in the news division of the former Tiffany Network must be praying that they receive the same brand of parental neglect long enjoyed by Tiffany Trump.

Alas, that outcome seems unlikely, for it appears that Larry Ellison’s assclownerrific spawn intends to give CBS News his full malign attention.

Though David spent months salivating over Paramount’s mountain of intellectual property, he’s shown zero interest in a piece of IP that’s in the public domain: the First Amendment. In particular, that blather about “freedom of the press.”

In order to secure FCC approval for the Paramount deal, Ellison promised that CBS News would appoint an “ombudsman” to eliminate “bias” at the division.

What kind of “bias” would this commissar—I mean, ombudsman—seek to root out?

Maybe the kind that the Wall Street Journal displayed when it reported that Jeffrey Epstein’s BFF drew him a porny birthday card: a reckless and inexcusable preference for the truth.

With Ellison scheduled to seize control of CBS next Thursday, the stopwatch at the beginning of “60 Minutes” now seems like the Doomsday Clock.

Am I being too hard on David? That’s not my intention. In fact, he has my deepest sympathy. It must be terrible being constantly mistaken for Eric Trump.

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