613 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

I'm very impressed by TBR readers' knack for telling these two douchebags apart.

Expand full comment
Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

You’re asking the wrong crowd. You need to ask Donald to pick out his son. After all, he can’t tell Marla from E. Jean Carroll!

Expand full comment
Marc Panaye's avatar

Or when pointing at one of those Epstein pictures he (the orange one) points at the picture at Epstein saying "that is me but I do not know who the other sex offender is!"

Expand full comment
Jodie Pine's avatar

...and I've never met him...have no idea who that Epstein guy is...

Expand full comment
Sandra Nicht's avatar

oh, do you have a link to that? lol

Expand full comment
Amanda Sherlock's avatar

Indeed, sadly we are too well-informed. Must be much easier to live life these days oblivious.

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar

You’re right, Amanda; I sometimes envy the carefree and oblivious… though usually I want to throw cold water in their faces and tell them to wake the hell up.

Expand full comment
Ellen Harris's avatar

My thought exactly Amanda.

Expand full comment
Mary Roeser's avatar

And he isn't sure what his current wife's name is, either.

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar
2dEdited

“Melanie.. ? Er, Melody…? Malaria…? Oh well. Who cares. She’s just a chick and she’s too old now, anyway.”

(Ick, I need a thousand showers… it was disgusting getting into trump’s decaying brain to ‘channel’ that!)

Expand full comment
bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

As Seinfeld guessed, Mulva?

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar

(I was going to use “p***y” instead of “chick” but thought it might offend. So Mulva works! That ep of Seinfeld cracked me up! At least his guess did indeed rhyme with a female body part!)

Expand full comment
Wendy Tucker's avatar

This is The Borowitz Report -- using pussy would probably be fine with all of us. Even my two cats would understand.

Expand full comment
Mary Tomaszewski's avatar

Melanoma

Expand full comment
AV's avatar

I think it's Melanoma...

Expand full comment
Wendy Tucker's avatar

Melanomia. She likes the extra syllable. Maybe Barron-the-Strange-Child calls her Mommynomia?

Expand full comment
Moongirl6's avatar

Who would know? That child has never spoken publicly.

Expand full comment
Wendy Tucker's avatar

THAT is what is so weird. Probably not even privately, although Melanomia (other spelling could be Melynomya) has said that the kid is bilingual and would speak whatever her native language is.

Expand full comment
Catherine Alvarez's avatar

Ha Ha

Expand full comment
Kit Baumann's avatar

lol!!!!😂

Expand full comment
D Schmitt's avatar

LOL - great orange incompetence reference.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

<golf clap> . . . that's my son, Eric . . . no . . . wait . . . that's my son, Eric

Expand full comment
Judith Richards's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Expand full comment
Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

BRAVO!! 👏🏼👏🏼

Expand full comment
It's Come To This's avatar

It was scarily close, it was...

Expand full comment
Beth McClellan's avatar

Yes! Mine was purely a guess, except the slightly squintier eyes of the guy on the left gave me a trump shiver.

Expand full comment
flo chapgier's avatar

It’s just that we have learnt a lot recently about douche bags. 🥇

Expand full comment
Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

But let’s change the terminology from something that is private to women to something that all the golfers love “ball washers”! Can I start a new trend here!

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar
2dEdited

I like your trend, Pam Birkenfeld. I'm in.

I've been looking for a word to use (for, let's say, Malaria) that is not "bitch" which is an insult to dogs. I used Harpy for a while, but not all of the most horrid women are that shrill. Maybe you can think of a different word to use for the likes of Malaria and Pam Bondage and Hysti Gnome - as you've done so well with "Ball Washers."

Expand full comment
Italien's avatar

First Hooker will do!😏

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar
2dEdited

Well, Italien, First Hooker is an apt description for Malaria. And one day she can be the ex-First Hooker.

There are others like her and they, too, need a word (or words).

Did Medusa turn everyone to stone with her withering look (that would fit Kristi), or just men? These women destroy everything their gaze falls upon.

Expand full comment
Dana Campbell's avatar

You remind me of the look Melania was giving Bishop Budde as she addressed the Orange Man at the end of her homily at the National Cathedral. From under her Natasha hat, if looks could kill, we would have one fewer Bishops.

Expand full comment
DebbieM (OH)'s avatar

First Hooker works. Hooker is another word for prostitute and, as far as I'm concerned, every single one of the trump ass-kissers are prostituting themselves. Oh, the word is 'whore'.

Expand full comment
elte's avatar

Did you mean Melanoma? A fine companion for The Pestilence.

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

Yes, elte, they are the same creature. I use both names - they both fit.

Expand full comment
Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Melania is just a vacuous gold-digger, Bondage and Gnome are Nazis to the core.

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

True, Jan Fabyi. But, this vacuous gold-digger is an enabler - sticking up for and encouraging her deranged sugar daddy. I consider her to be as dangerous to decency and honesty as are the Nazi blond and the crazy-eyed pet hunter.

Expand full comment
Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Quite true. But of course she enables him, he’s her source of plentiful revenue.

Expand full comment
Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Can’t leave out Leavitt when speaking of Gnome and Bondage, they are the Klaus Barbi triplets! Melanoma is in a be best class by herself! Among everything else, she has stayed with the orange turd who sticks to the side of the bowl through her hubby’s numerous affairs, including 2 when Baron (is John Baron his godfather?) was a newborn.

Expand full comment
Wendy Tucker's avatar

Klaus Barbi triplets wins award for best phrase of the day.

Expand full comment
Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Klaus Barbie Triplets—I won’t be able to think of them any other way.

Expand full comment
It's Come To This's avatar

Shameless Strumpet.

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

Love that, ICTT! Shameless Strumpet. That is our First Lady, indeed! And the rest of them.

I've been trying to think of something that spits poison or scorches the earth wherever she goes. But, this is spot on.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

"Barbie-Whore"?

Expand full comment
Mark Lip's avatar

Keep trying Marmo and try to be best.

Expand full comment
Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

I’m in on the challenge! But for me, they sort of come to me in a blinding flash not something I think about too much so we’ll see if I have a revelation😊

Expand full comment
Gordon Shumway's avatar

Did you hear that the Orange Jobby got injured in Scotland? He fell off the ball washer.....

Expand full comment
Linda Bruce's avatar

I must compliment you. This made me LOL!

Expand full comment
Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

I’m glad my ball washer term is catching on!

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

Ha - Gordon Shumway! Was Dump hiding in the shed when he fell off the ball washer? Any port in a storm? If you're not with the one you love, and all that?

Expand full comment
J Cheng's avatar

I love it! Dumb Demon Semen and Ball Washers!

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

that was my favorite rock group in the 70s!!

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar

Bwahahaha!!

Expand full comment
Swan's avatar

🙀YESSS!! EXCELLENT 💡!!!

I’m in!! I actually hesitated tapping that d-word as I felt I would be adding to the thick, noxious, screaming-neon-orange haze of mysogeny polluting our atmosphere.

🎱⛳️☮️🧼🏌🏻‍♂️

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

I've heard that Eric lists "ball washer" as his occupation now, since he is done pouring concrete (and Lara said she knew he'd be a natural as a ball washer).

Expand full comment
Donna's avatar

Thank you for trusting the keen powers of observation exhibited by your readers. Separated at birth.

Expand full comment
DEBORAH K's avatar

OMG, Twins by different mothers.

Expand full comment
Jim Dygert's avatar

Same father?

Expand full comment
DEBORAH K's avatar

Yes, but I am not sure which.

Expand full comment
Kate Decker's avatar

One would have hoped so. But actually new Scientific Data has proved a different conclusion. Kindly consult my Medical Report. Kate Decker

Expand full comment
Klara Berne's avatar

Wow it’s uncanny how similar they are in looks as well as lack of redeeming characteristics

Expand full comment
JulieAA's avatar

I think you are asking the wrong question, Andy. Shouldn’t you be asking who the father is for each of these fine young men? I have my suspicions.

Expand full comment
Sue's avatar

I'm more curious about Don Jr.'s heritage, with that dark hair and heavy 5 o'clock shadow. Eric has Ivana's close set eyes and his father's light coloring.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

The same father as "Rosemary's Baby".

Expand full comment
JulieAA's avatar

Now that I would believe.

Expand full comment
Al Keim's avatar

Leapin' spermatozoa! Could it be!?

Expand full comment
Italien's avatar

I love “the lucky sperm club”!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 And talk about asshats separated at birth! The doppelgänger theory is alive and well. I was well aware that this lucky little shitweasel was gifted Paramount by self-made shitweasel père “Larry” Ellison. But just don’t mention it in “the press”.

Expand full comment
Italien's avatar

I didn’t think this posted!!🥳

Expand full comment
displacedCTYankee's avatar

Ewic's necktie is a dead giveaway.

Expand full comment
Pamela Tanton's avatar

We all pay waaaaay too much attention to the whole miserable lot.

Expand full comment
Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

OK, if we don't pay attention to them will they just go away? No, probably not.

Expand full comment
Al Keim's avatar

Any child of theirs can scarcely be called lucky.

Expand full comment
Glenn Sills's avatar

It isn't that hard. If you look very closely you'll see the one on the left with a very faint "Duechebag" written in cursive. On the right, there is an equally faint, "Asshole" written in block letters. Trumps only do block letters so it isn't that hard to tell them apart.

Expand full comment
Annette's avatar

plus, just past Eric's greasy hairline "666" is etched in his skin

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar

I suspect the mark of the beast appears indelibly on all the trump line. (Somehow, Mary was skipped. Too bad she didn’t become president instead.)

Expand full comment
JeffJ's avatar
2dEdited

My spidey sense told me it’s the one on the left cause it has the teeth and grin of Venom. (If you’re not a spidey fan, google him!) P.S. Should Venom be his nickname? It sure fits!

Expand full comment
J Cheng's avatar

Quite honestly I was scared by Ellison's pic. It actually makes Eric look, ummm, well, not so bad?

Expand full comment
Karen Teige's avatar

I don’t know, for sure, could be the clone experiment went awry.

Expand full comment
Michael Stayton's avatar

I choose 'right' not a direction but as both belonging to the "RIGHT".

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

And yet, Michael Stayton, they are both so Wrong.

Expand full comment
Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Wasn’t too hard but they more closely resemble each other than Eric and DJTJR and the sister. Hmm.

Expand full comment
David Toth and Fran Newton's avatar

Thank you, Andy. I spent a long time making my decision, then guessed, and finally reversed my decision based on dental work. I’m still not sure I was right, but does it matter. Both are precursors to mass extinction of the Permian kind.

Expand full comment
It's Come To This's avatar

Lucky Sperm Club! Dumb Demon Semen on the loose!

Expand full comment
J Cheng's avatar

Ok, that is my new favorite term: Dumb Demon Semen! Thank you!

Expand full comment
Henry's avatar

another great band name!

Expand full comment
jane's avatar

😆

Expand full comment
Sandra Hardie's avatar

I would like to know who the Donor Zero was back in the mists of evolution who introduced this assfuckery into the human genome. From all that I have read, homo sapiens, our current round of human mammals, is the only one who delights in cruelty.

Expand full comment
Kathy Roeske's avatar

Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you’re not the ugliest person in the room.

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

So, true, Kathy Roeske!

But, if you're rich enough, then nobody will tell you.

(MAGA Motto: Ignorance is bliss.)

Expand full comment
Mark Lip's avatar

Yes, ignorance is bliss and there are a lot of happy people out there...

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

So true, Mark Lip. There are a lot of blissful voters out there - extremely blissful!

Expand full comment
Vicki Bacal's avatar

Truer words were never said! Bravo, Kathy!

Expand full comment
BayPoodle's avatar

🔥🔥🔥🙌🏼

Expand full comment
BayPoodle's avatar

You just became my favorite human, Kathy Roeske

Expand full comment
Bill Smith's avatar

The only possible conclusion is that Darwin was an optimist.

Expand full comment
Susan Barnes's avatar

Best comment of the week so far.

Expand full comment
Paul Snyderman's avatar

I voted for "the one on the left" but aren't they both really on the right?

Expand full comment
Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

Oh, good one!

Expand full comment
History Rhymes With Lee's avatar

With all that money, couldn't both of them find a vet to fix those teeth?

Expand full comment
Barry Blue's avatar

They both enjoy their daily hay and occasional apples and carrots.

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

Hey, Barry Blue - Horses are beautiful - and smart - and loyal - and strong. These two morons are none of those things.

However, they do both strongly resemble the side that the hay and apples and carrots ultimately exit. I'm sure that's what you meant.

Expand full comment
Wis's avatar

Rim shot!

Expand full comment
Stan Duffner's avatar

Send them to the glue factory

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

Send the whole Dump family to the glue factory - then maybe one of their convictions would finally stick.

Expand full comment
Peta Barrett's avatar

Well...they're both butt-ugly, self-indulgent, rich morons. The lines do blur.

Expand full comment
Patrick's avatar

Is it inbreeding that gives both of them that sh@t-eating grin?

Expand full comment
Marjorie's avatar

That bunch doesn't grin; they just bare their teeth in a half-assed attempt at looking human.

Expand full comment
jon Hodson's avatar

absolutely. Ask the trump siblings.

Expand full comment
Susan Schwirck's avatar

I took a wild guess and picked left. It really doesn't matter, because these are two of the ugliest people I've seen in my life.

Expand full comment
Larry Williams's avatar

Ugly starts on the inside and exudes outward.

Expand full comment
Marmo's avatar

You've got that right, Larry Williams.

Dump is a perfect example - he does more evil every day, and he looks worse every day.

Expand full comment
Linda's avatar

Me thinks you forget about Stephen Miller and Emil Bove.

Expand full comment
Susan Schwirck's avatar

A close second.

Expand full comment
Liz Schick's avatar

OMG one wasn’t enough? God where are you when we need you? Taking a nap or something?

Expand full comment
MaryJo Moffett Wilson's avatar

The proof God is dead is that Drumph marched back into the office of President on last November 5th!

Expand full comment
Deborah Reed's avatar

I can hardly believe these two aren’t twins !🤢

Expand full comment
Timothy J Crawford's avatar

They are 2/3 brothers with a side of Lucifer.

Expand full comment
Tom Halstead's avatar

Yet another travesty made possible by Saint Reagan.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Saint Reagan-of-the-naturally-brown-hair-in-Old-Age.

The patron saint of Trickle-Down Theory and Grecian Formula.

Expand full comment
peter scibetta's avatar

somehow, both share the truly creepy gene.

Expand full comment
carol corsaro's avatar

as in fugly

Expand full comment
Dr Patti Britton's avatar

They both are men who would find it difficult to get a second date. Oh well. xo

Expand full comment
jon Hodson's avatar

that sounds like elons stable of mothers.

Expand full comment
J E Ross's avatar

NEPO EMBRYO!!

Expand full comment
Bob Clark's avatar

Talk about race to the bottom.

Expand full comment
John Townsend's avatar

Not a race, just a straight, fast fall!

Expand full comment