530 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

We need to find “A Place for Dad.”

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John Townsend's avatar

--with locks on the doors, bars on the windows.

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Jacquie Ostrom's avatar

And a locked door on the stairway to the roof!

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lyn molstrom's avatar

Oh hell, let him on the roof...maybe he'll fall off and kill himself.

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Chuck McGinn's avatar

I say leave it unlocked!

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Alan's avatar
2dEdited

ANDY -- Here are 8 Signs It’s Time for Memory Care for an Individual

1. They’re not paying their bills.

2. They neglect personal housekeeping and throw food at the wall.

3. They become unsafe in their home. They may trip and fall, or wander off to the roof.

4. They no longer take good care of their health and they OD on fast food.

5. They lose track of the passage of time and peoples' names.

6. They withdraw from hobbies and pleasant social situations.

7. You worry about your own safety because their advanced form of dementia leads to aggressive and abusive behaviors.

8. The person has taken a mental and physical toll on you. You’re stressed & exhausted.

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skayen's avatar

Edit: "The person has taken a mental and physical toll on a gazillion of Americans. I and they are livid, irate, enraged, incensed, furious and seething over tRUMP's egregious injury and injustice to our country. Lock him up or down!

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C. Killion's avatar

Include with him the cynical corrupt enablers, including six of the not so Supreme Court

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Alan's avatar

skayan -- Your post is really not an edit of these guidelines -- its an application of the rules to a specific person :)

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Gweneth West's avatar

Call ICE asap….

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Chuck McGinn's avatar

If only we could cross off the word ‘to’ in the phrase ‘off to the roof.’

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Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

HA! I keep thinking when Donny was on the roof, that he was looking for Santa Claus.

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Alan's avatar

Marlene -- Was he looking for Santa or preparing to fire Santa and take over his job??

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C.L. S's avatar

Trump would steal all the gifts from Santa.

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Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

HA! Maybe both!

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Anne B's avatar

Too funny!

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Patrick Tally's avatar

Yup. A place all locked up safe and secure, so Donny can't hurt himself, or the US economy!

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Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

You don’t want him to hurt himself?

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LHS's avatar

Once again, Jay Kuo has used Andy's headline in his weekly "Just for Skeets and Giggles". https://statuskuo.substack.com/p/just-for-skeets-and-giggles-81625 I recently subscribed to Jay's Substack because his weekly Saturday missives of memes, jokes, etc. often has me laughing until I cry. Heaven knows we need to laugh these days!!

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Alan's avatar

Vlad can meet with Howie Mandel and Zelenskyy.

This way Zelenskyy could select a model with a negotiated cease fire in a numbered box and the outcome would be easy for news headline writers: "Deal or No Deal"

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Herbert Bouley's avatar

Do we still own Alaska? LOL

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Subjective Object's avatar

We already have the perfect place!

For some time now, we've had this lovely long-term care facility in south-east Cuba practically made for him, with warm, sunny weather reminiscent of his beloved Maralago, all right by the water...

There are plenty of skilled staff on-hand 24/7, expertly trained, and with years of experience with cases just like his, ready to ensure he gets the quality of care he truly deserves after all he has done for the American people.

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Larry Caringer's avatar

Trump said he was meeting Putin in Russia TWICE. Maybe it’s a sign he’s planning to use Alaska as a bargaining chip. Lisa Murkowski is all in on the ploy!

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L B Rose's avatar

Maybe Agent Orange is reminiscing about the fun times he used to have in Russia with all the young ladies there along with his pal, Jeff. He always likes to go back in time to a past that never was...

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Dreamily reminiscing about those golden moments... (showers, that is)

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Carol Lama's avatar

He probably thinks that Alaska is in Russia.

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David's avatar

Because if you can see Russia from your house, you must be in Russia. Sarah Palin.

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Mike Sabes's avatar

Maybe she will be part of his team so he does not get lost?

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John Townsend's avatar

Maybe it was when he was born! Maybe Trump is an immortal orange vampire!

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Olivia Ward's avatar

Putin hasn't forgotten! He's planning to tell the demented dotard that he's come to take it back. Because that sale deal was REALLY bad for Russia -- and the negotiators were from the czarist regime, which doesn't exist any longer. So the deal is invalid. tRump will shake his hand and mutter "if you say so." And get back on AF1 to DC, where he's really, really loved and appreciated.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

I can just hear tRump explaining it saying: "It was very unfair to Russia. Secretary of State William H. Seward was a leftist Democrat, (part of the cabinet of Andrew Johnson, the democrat President, who many people have told me, killed Lincoln). He swindled the Russians. He was also an ugly man. Next question from Fox News..."

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Mike Sabes's avatar

Loved by who?

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jon Hodson's avatar

Trump forgot we bought Alaska in the 1860s and wants a refund.

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Chuck McGinn's avatar

Or perhaps he wants to give it back! Or use it to make a claim for Russia as our 52nd state - after Canada, of course.

Oh, the delusions of a senile sh*tbag!

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Don't forget his "Leningrad" references!

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matclone's avatar

Trump's thinking: Putin promises ceasefire if I give him Alaska. I'm allowed to do it. Then I get peace prize.

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Skybo's avatar

Omg. Made an AK comment, trying to be funny, which in normal times might be. But geez. Who knows what this crazy old man might try.

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Marmo's avatar

I think, matclone, that Dump intends to give Ukraine to Russia. But, I do think that parts (or maybe all - or maybe parts now and all later) of Alaska are going to be on the table. Dump did once say that Ukraine used to be part of Russia and so Russia has a right to have it back - with that thinking, Russia has a right to Alaska. All it would take is for Pukin to promise some ass-kissing thing like changing Alaska to Trumpska.

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Nancy Mikita's avatar

With this thought process, most of the states would go back to Mexico, France, Spain, England and the rest to the Native Americans.

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Marmo's avatar

In a just world, all of it would go back to Mexico and the Native Americans. But, no world is as unjust as the World Of Dump. He doesn't see Mexicans and Native Americans as full humans, so they get nothing. BUT, if France, Spain, England, Holland kissed Dump's rump hard enough, I could see him doing a deal with any of them. He's already selling parts of our country to white oligarchs. He'd sell it all if they left him with a small kingdom over which he could rule.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

To quote Daffy Duck here, which seems apropos: "Ain't it the Truth?!"

Accompanied by lots of flying spittle.

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MLK's avatar

We'd probably all be better off.

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Ken Cooper's avatar

Yes! I like this reasoning.

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Sandy's avatar

In that vein, Texas, California, N Mexico and Arizona should be given back to Mexico. And Louisiana and all states part of the Louisiana purchase should be returned to France and the rest to the French, English and Spanish during colonialism. But then all of the American land should be returned to the First People!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Pooty-poot Pootin' & Pukin' all the way, here charges the bare-chested master of excretions!

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Marmo's avatar
2dEdited

Can you just imagine Dump trying to pose for a bunch of uber-macho photos? Ever? That photo of Dump reaching for a tennis ball keeps coming to mind - as opposed to Pukin on a horse with no shirt (and why would he be like that - is it so warm Russia?). Dump is no match for his role model - he just wants Pukin to be his friend.

But, getting back to your point, Floofie Snapz Back, Pukin might be the master of excretions, while Dump is the master of what is excreted.

Pukin is going to step on Dump and then wipe Dump off the bottom of his shoe, and Dump is too stupid to know when that has happened.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Oh, well noted, Marmo! Exactly right! Yup to all of it! Drumpf IS what is excreted!

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jon Hodson's avatar

Trump should just give Putin Texas and Florida and then those two new Russian territories can be run by mullahs Abbott and Dumbsantis for as long as they can.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Let's give them all the red welfare states, too. You know, the states whose top industries are meth and moonshine.

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Cate Patterson's avatar

No. Please. I’m being held captive by my life in Ohio. We used to be a swing state! We can be again!

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

I'm sorry. How about if they just take former confederate states?

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John Townsend's avatar

His prize will be pieces of our country!

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Robot Bender's avatar

Then Sarah Palin will indeed be able to see Russia from her house. 😉

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Bobbie75's avatar

The only reason I feel safe about Alaska is that they have two Republican senators and one Republican congressman. However, California may be on the table.

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

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Subjective Object's avatar

You mean the place where all the tax income and food comes from?

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Mike Sabes's avatar

Move to Alaska!

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Christopher Sweet's avatar

Hell is Murky.

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Terri D's avatar

Did you mean, "Murkyowsky?"

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Christopher Sweet's avatar

Yowsky!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Yes, that's clear. <snort>

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John Maton's avatar

Maybe Trump will go to the wrong location?

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Lee Roscoe's avatar

No, that's Rudi

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Marmo's avatar
3dEdited

Lisa Murkowski is a hero. She's stood up to Dump and voted her principles instead of blindly voting MAGA.

It's likely that Dump would give away Alaska in exchange for Pukin erecting a 20 foot gilded statue of Dump at the airport (or some other ego massaging thing), but Murkowski would not be part of that.

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John Townsend's avatar

Maybe yes, maybe no. She might be in the dark about a lot of things.

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Marmo's avatar

You have a point, John Townsend. Not being a blind supporter of MAGA, I'm sure that Murkowski is in the dark about a lot of things. That's my point - that Murkowski would never be part of that. Doesn't mean that it wouldn't happen, but I'm certain that it would never happen if she had a way to stop it. Sadly, it seems that nobody has any way to stop anything these days.

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Cate Patterson's avatar

I’ve been saying it since he announced the meeting. That man is going to trade Seward’s Folly back to Putin in exchange for his help with his takeover of Canada. He just wants the Americas all to himself. He wants Canada first and will work his way south when he gets Bolsonaro freed.

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Lois W. Halbert's avatar

Although I think you're right, I do not think Lisa is in on it. She should be scared.

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MLK's avatar

Lisa is scared. She said that a while back. IMO, she should abandon the R party asap.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Maybe he doesn't know where Alaska is.

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Suzi Harkey's avatar

Playing him like a fiddle!

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

the Diddler on the Roof

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C K Smith's avatar

"Diddler on the Roof." OMG, that's a good one! It would make a great protest sign with a picture of Trump on the roof of the White House! (I was so sorry he didn't "accidentally" fall off.) Thank you; you've made my day!

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

there is a video parody of the song: https://youtu.be/JT9qiiFEUT0?si=440bM3M7TnpEl46p

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C K Smith's avatar

Absolutely genius! Thank you for sharing!

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Mike Davidson's avatar

So Great! Thanks for sharing it and let's flood the Internet with it, please!

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Margret Roberts's avatar

Made my morning! Thank you for sharing!

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

better than the original!

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misia.d's avatar

Yes, thanks!

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Annette's avatar

hysterical!!

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John Townsend's avatar

Love it!

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Terri D's avatar

Thanks for the link and the laughs!

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Linda MacDonald's avatar

C.K. you captured my thought about the rooftop jaunt. The hand gestures! Good Grief!

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C K Smith's avatar

He learned those hand gestures from his soon-to-be-returned-to-the-White-House pal Musk (thanks to JD Vance who has been making nice with [aka, sucking up to] Musk lately).

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

I still don't understand what he was doing on the roof. Did the Secret Service say it was OK? I imagine it was pretty warm up there, considering the heat we have on the East Coast.

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Annette's avatar

grandpa just wandered up there and his staff made it seem like it was a normal event . . . you know, covering up for his dotage

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Yup, that makes sense. "Normal" gets crazier by the day.

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David's avatar

He went to check on the solar panels and forgot that Reagan removed them 45 years ago because they were unAmerican. Apologies to Jimmy.

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Alan's avatar
3dEdited

Why not the roof. -- Anything to attract headlines so he's continuously at the top of the newscasts.

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Annette's avatar

I'd prefer to see him splatted on what used to be the Rose Garden

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John Townsend's avatar

If he falls off, it will be plenty warm where he will be going

(if you believe that, of course.

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David's avatar

In a handbasket, of courser.

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Diana's avatar

But don't you think that as commander in chief he was up doing due diligence to see if there were any snipers in the neighborhood?

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C K Smith's avatar

Oh, that’s right! He always has our safety and security in mind. We are definitely his main concern in life. I forgot that.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

tsk tsk, CK

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Lucy Conner's avatar

We can only wish ...

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Rene Townsend's avatar

Can't stop laughing as I am going to see Fiddler tonight at a gorgeous outdoor theatre; now I'll be singing Diddler throughout...oh my!

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John Townsend's avatar

The Universe is playing a theme for you!

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

And yet we would know who really did it: Melanoma!

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

Can you imagine the accusations if he did fall off that roof: chants of Biden did it would be prolific

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Annette's avatar

I know, C K, I was praying for his cankles to give out when he was close to the edge.

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C K Smith's avatar

We can dream, can’t we?!!!

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

He would have clung to the edge like a gargoyle.

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Annette's avatar

which reminds me, I wonder how Jr.'s ex-girlfriend is doing? I've heard Greece is lovely this time of year.

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Terri's avatar

Me, too. Along with Andy, of course.

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misia.d's avatar

Naturally, although Andy doesn’t have to dance.

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Alan's avatar
3dEdited

Sandra -- the diddling is his natural sequel to the "Golden Showers" provided by Vlad's women in Russia.

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BTAM Master's avatar

You win the internet for the day!

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Robin D's avatar

😂

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Christopher Sweet's avatar

Bravo! Bravo!

Diddler on the roof; the Diddler; Diddles.

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Christopher Sweet's avatar

Thank you for the link. I’ve joined on Youtube! Brilliant songwriter, and a very fine digital artist, IMHO. I wouldn’t have made the discovery without your recommendation.

I’m still going to call him Diddles, especially after what we all anticipate will fall out from the Alaska giveaway.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Piddles (as in golden showers) + Diddler = Diddles

It's just simple math.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Sandra,

If I'm not mistaken, you just won today's internet...

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Thanks!

Hmmm...

Maybe that AI stuff has a future after all.

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Janeo's avatar

Maybe this old world is simply getting Trumpster down and he's channeling Carole King.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vPXJpoaM7o

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MLK's avatar

brava!

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Wonderful

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Alan's avatar

Suzy -- like a fiddler on the roof singing "If I were a rich man"? 🤔

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It's Come To This's avatar

“If I Had a Penis…deedle deedle weedle weedle woo!”

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Joseph M Becker's avatar

Penis?

He’s been a prick his whole life.

Plus, in a magazine interview, Candace Bergen called him a douche. He was her worst-ever date. While they were classmates at Penn, neither was known to attend classes.

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Robot Bender's avatar

There's a difference between having a penis and being one. 😉

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Annette's avatar

he's a bigger one than he has :)

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John Townsend's avatar

Yes, indeedy!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Muchly.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

You are wise, Bender B. Rodriguez!

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John Townsend's avatar

Tsk! Tsk! So-o bad and yet so funny!

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Alan,

America is feeling very much like Anatevka these days, with democracy being the "traditional value" we may have to leave behind in order to survive.

Personally, after living in the Deep South most of 67 years, I'm staying put in Anatevka. Nothing they will do can take the choice to stay and fight from me. (I say that now...)

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Mike Davidson's avatar

Anatevka: Sad but true! "Dear God, keep the Tsar... away from us"!

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Suzi Harkey's avatar

Ha! Perfect!

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Alan's avatar
3dEdited

COUNTRY MUSIC AWARD WINNER?

It was just reported that the two of them will release a music video -- singing this Matchbox 20 song, PUSH, as a duet from the WH roof in advance of their Alaska meeting and the Kennedy Center honors:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zbFa1p0SNs0&pp=ygUII2JveHBpc2g%3D

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

We should be so lucky.

(I does my heart good any time a Dem does something too subtle or nuanced for MAGA to understand. Thank you!)

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Gotta say: Love your handle! Arf!

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Thanks! Yours too!

(Originally from Steam, and I wanted people to find me elsewhere, should they wish.)

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Joseph M Becker's avatar

For decades I have maintained, “Just because you have one does not mean you should be one.”

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Kate Decker's avatar

...or an empty garbage bin.

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Betty Miller's avatar

Stradivarius, no less!!🎻🎻🎻

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Scott Helmers's avatar

I worry that Putin will explain that Alaska once belonged to Russia, to which Trump will reply, "Who knew?" Then Trump will offer it back if Putin will buy a few Trump bitcoins.

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Sharon P's avatar

Will Sarah be serving a mid afternoon snack ?

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Frances López's avatar

Canapes of ground, seasoned moose meat.

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bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

With lashings of Velveeta!

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Frances López's avatar

Martha Stewart once said, "I LOVE Velveeta." I don't. Salty, greasy. Bad childhood memories.

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Annette's avatar

<snort laugh>. . . . on a Ritz!

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Frances López's avatar

I like Ritz crackers.

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Susan Stone's avatar

They are greasy, too, in my experience.

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Susan Stone's avatar

You sound like you're Australian. Are you? (The only place I've ever heard an expression like "lashings" of anything is from an Australian.)

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bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

No, I am not Australian. I have picked up bits and pieces of slang/idioms from different forums and websites- a bit of a magpie.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Being a magpie can be good. I have gotten "lashings" from my favorite food blog, which is Australian.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Me, too! A slang magpie, that is. Love good witty slang & idiomatic expressions!

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John Townsend's avatar

--and defrosted mammoth!

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Kepks16's avatar

Perhaps bagged by "deadeye" Kristi Noem?

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John Townsend's avatar

Sorry, no dogmeat allowed!

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John Townsend's avatar

Yes, in a French maid's outfit.

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alex birman's avatar

Bit coins not needed...just some lame flattery

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

I can see tRump batting his eyelashes and bubbling "he likes me!"

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John Townsend's avatar

No joke! That might happen!

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Sam Popkin's avatar

New parody concept: The Dribbler on the Roof.

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Annette's avatar

oh, even better . . . If I could stop drooling. . . .

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Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Excellent! Will someone take this old man’s phone away from him and set the tv to the golf channel?

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Silota's avatar

The emperor has no clothes… And no mind

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David Starkey's avatar

Well Comrade Krasnov…

You have done a good job of dismantling the USA - creating an American FSB (ICE) to bully the People, setting up many very useful money laundering channels, setting zero tariffs on my exported gold, destroying the USA’s lead in green energy, medicine, science… iIt’s all good. Now, for the next step in your sorcerer’s apprenticeship, I want you to consider assassination of Zelensky. He keeps savaging my country and he is causing my FSB colleagues some difficulty.

By the way Donald, if you can’t help me with this, I will be forced to activate Comrade Trance, who as you know is totally opposed to US support for Ukraine.

It’s up to you Donald - and yes, if you cede Alaska to me, I will make you a hero of the USSR (I mean Russia).

Lastly, I want all US sanctions on Russia lifted, so I can blow the hell out of Europe.

Give me all that, and i will send you a Nobel Prize as a Peacemaker - as once they see what you are really up to, Congress will be stunned into silence! And maybe a tinge of regret. Ha Ha!!!

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John Townsend's avatar

What? Putin is holding back on offering primo Russian vodka for all Comrade's efforts?

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Mark Lip's avatar

As a kid I heard that native Alaskans put their old folks on an ice flow and set it adrift.

Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

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Annette's avatar

from your font to God's ears

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Mark Lip's avatar

Thanks Annette. Re your reply, let’s hope She’s listening.

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Annette's avatar

Amen!

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John Townsend's avatar

--and dream and dream and dream.......

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Bradford W.'s avatar

Let's hope they are meeting on a roof.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

"To a carpenter, everything is a nail."

"To Putin, everywhere is a roof."

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Brenda Reiss's avatar

Or a window

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Or underwear!

I miss Alexei Navalny every single day, and I don't mean to belittle the tragedy of his suffering and sacrifices.

But I'd more regret for him to be forgotten.

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Kate Decker's avatar

Yes.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

I did miss Alexei Navalny... then heard he had Nazi leanings and had expressed Nazi-type sentiments. Now I don't know what to believe... Anybody out there know a thing or two about this? I'd much appreciate some clarity. Maybe I'll turn to Snopes...

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

That's understandable. When the Nazis invaded Ukraine, they were welcomed by the people; who had suffered far worse under the oppression of Stalin and the Communists. Later, when the Russian Army pushed the Nazis out of Ukraine; the Soviets brutalized the people for collaborating with the Nazis.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

What you mention sounds perfectly in keeping with the Russian Propaganda Machine, but I have no personal knowledge. (Sounds a bit like Putin claiming Ukraine is heavily nazi.)

Perhaps this might be another good place to learn more about him, but focused on more recent events:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm6281092/

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Frances López's avatar

An icy roof with a steep pitch.

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Marjorie's avatar

... or meeting in a very tall building with a window.

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Terri's avatar

That's too good ! Thanks for the laugh.

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Kim D's avatar

It's like a rewrite of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show, and this time Boris Badenov gets the best of Moose and Squirrel.

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Christopher Sweet's avatar

Moose and Squirrel, well said!

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David's avatar

And is Melania actually the spy name for Natasha?

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Yeppadoodles!

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Jim Carmichael's avatar

Well, you have made it unnecessary for us to keep up with the Press’s so-called coverage. You are the best.

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Tom Melody's avatar

Putin will try to talk Trump into selling Alaska back to Russia at a discounted rate.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

1500%?

Can we afford that?

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Janeo's avatar

Let's see: 78 mill $, the original price for Alaska in 1868 x1500%=

117,000,000,000$

current price we'll pay Russia to take that icebox off our hands. Maybe we can arrange for time payments from social security funds.

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Julia Lyman's avatar

I'm still shaking my head over the failure of MSM to give sufficient attention to Dear Leader TWICE saying he was going to meet Putin in Russia. Andy, why?

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Annette's avatar

maybe . . . just maybe . . . ConOLD is smarter than we think . . . he'll actually fly to Russia, capture the hearts of the people there, while Putin gets chomped by a polar bear, leaving only a pile of bones. Sorry . . . forgot my meds this morning and my mind wandered. Never mind.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

In your med-less addled state, I think you stumbled onto something really good there...

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Annette's avatar

thanks, Floofie . . . I only take something for acid reflux and high blood pressure, so I can't really blame my thoughts on not taking those prescriptions LOL

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Still -- and maybe it was the acid refluxless state of being -- it's a dang good idea: Pooty Pootin's getting chomped by a polar bear warms my cockles.

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John Townsend's avatar

No matter, Putin forgot his meds too!

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John Townsend's avatar

So did Trump!

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Alan's avatar

Andy, could this be the kickoff meeting for his MADA initiative (Make America Demented Again) ??

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John Townsend's avatar

MADA's already happening!

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Bob's avatar

Nothing good can come from this... unless they end up on top of a tall building.

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Janeo's avatar

T already thinks he's Superman. Will P convince him he can fly??

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