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Andy Borowitz's avatar

TBR Question of the Day: What has Trump made you consume more of?

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Elmdea Adams's avatar

Dark chocolate

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Lucy K.'s avatar

Yup, me too, trying not to choke as I also scream obscenities at the sight of him on TV.

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Nancy's avatar

OMG SO MUCH CHOCOLATE!!!

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John Gregory's avatar

yes, the traditional remedy to recover from exposure to a Dementor ...

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Susie's avatar

Oh. Very well noted!!!! 👏🏻📚👏🏻📚👏🏻

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Catharine Farkas's avatar

My reasoning, exactly!

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Antoinette S. Hamilton's avatar

Same for me, Elmdea. It is very soothing, which is desperately needed right now.

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JeffJ's avatar

I’m eating a lot of dark chocolate too, Elmdea, but the Republicans have been drinking a lot of Kool-Aid.

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Ruth's avatar

No Jeff they've not been drinking Kool-Aid...........we are wishing they would.

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DeeDeeBee's avatar

Yes, dark chocolate. The darker the better. So soothing. A must-have during these chaotic times.

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Elmdea Adams's avatar

Green & Black’s 85%

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Olivia Ward's avatar

If you're into chocolate, I totally recommend 85 per cent Lindt "intense dark." Not too sweet and no bitter aftertaste.

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Jeanne Haist's avatar

Alcohol. I have yet to find happiness or a genie at the bottom of a wine bottle, but there’s no reason to stop looking.

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Robert E.'s avatar

Alcohol too, but that message in the bottle must be stolen by Whiskey Pete!

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John Townsend's avatar

The genie bottle should be gold, just not Trump fools-gold!

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Ami's avatar

Oh, Jeanne, you may have to "guest write" for Andy when he goes on vacation! You've inspired me to look for a genie granting me a happiness wish in a bottle of tequila (I make a mean margarita, BTW)! Cheers!!!

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Robin D's avatar

🤣😂 Love this ha ha

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Hannah olufs's avatar

gummies

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Robin D's avatar

I second that!

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

Yup…

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Leif Janzon's avatar

TBR. Brings instant relief.

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John Townsend's avatar

That an a swig of Pepsi--no rum!

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John Townsend's avatar

That and a swig of Pepsi--no rum!

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Scott Leitch's avatar

Substack posts

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LHS's avatar

Books. To keep my mind occupied with thoughts other than current events.

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Sarah M Morenon's avatar

Books plus binge watching fun shows.

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Helen Smith's avatar

Fantasy novels with happy endings … because real life is just too bleak.

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Sarah M Morenon's avatar

I would hit the heart on this multiple times if I could,

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Michele Danza's avatar

Blues music, especially blues guitar. Happy 100th anniversary of B.B. King's birthday!

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Mary-Chilton van Hees's avatar

Satirical columns.

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Ivy Anderson's avatar

Alcohol…! (esp the hard stuff)

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Robin D's avatar

Wheee. 👍😂

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Michael Moore's avatar

Chocolate, ice cream, beer, and wine!

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

All at once?

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Michael Moore's avatar

I’ll try and pace myself 😉

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Hank Napkin's avatar

Oxygen. Defo.

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Mac Bakewell's avatar

Gabapentin

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Nancy Morgan LeBar's avatar

Yup, that sure works to help me sleep. First time with the orange turd I would get up and wander around the house at night. My PCP had the answer and wrote the Rx.

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Lisa Botwinick's avatar

I have some, Gabapentin, that I give to one of my cats before he goes to the Vet as he is feisty! I am feisty too when I am writing postcards, letters and protesting!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Sugar free dark chocolate chips. Don't ask me how much weight I gained this week.

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John Townsend's avatar

Transmit the weight telepathically onto Trump!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Ooh, I like the way you think, John. Now if only I could gain those skills…

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Robin D's avatar

I Don’t think he needs Susan’s help haha

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HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Semi-sweet chips and just starting on dark chocolate nonpareils.

Don't ask, don't tell!

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Deb's avatar

News and practically every edible thing at Costco (especially from the bakery).

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Jaenike, John's avatar

Alcohol

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Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

I never mix alcohol and Tylenol so I just stick to alcohol.

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Judith's avatar

Ditto.

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Frances López's avatar

Same here. Aspirin works just fine for me.

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Cornelia Brown's avatar

I just wrote a reply to this string, but my phone disappeared it. Here’s a second try. Andy, i wish you did not use “four letter words” Surely you could find language -that doesn’t diminish people and doesn’t call to mind MAGA loving to yell in our faces. Why, Andy, do you make this choice?

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Ami's avatar

Emphasis, Cornelia, emphasis. If you're not uttering 4 letter words during this evil, chaotic reign of the fat orange turd, you may actually be a saint! If you're offended, please don't read a lot of other authors on this site. They speak their readers' minds and that makes us feel like we're not suffering alone in this authoritarian regime. Even my 97 y.o. mom, who NEVER before cursed, has exclaimed an "F-U" at DT's whiny voice on TV. She derives lots of pleasure doing so---it's her way of calling out his lies and utter craziness. You do you, Cornelia, and Andy is doing Andy, like the 1st Amendment states.

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Allyson Ross Davies's avatar

Thanks for a grin at the end of this seemingly endless bad news day…except for Jimmy Kimmel’s return🎉

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misia.d's avatar
3hEdited

Like Lazarus! Disney is man not mouse?

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John Townsend's avatar

No. Disney, I think, ran up against the reality of a consumer revolt!

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Patris's avatar

This. I think they were blindsided by the reaction.

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Paul Eric Gold's avatar

Our nephew's father makes a Rye Whiskey called "Mavericks" named after the surfing spot. It is 115 proof. I mix the 4 bottles a day that I can consume with LSD, Iowaska, and any other hallucinogens to escape the new world created by the orange sac of rancid human excrement and his nazi pals. Fortunately, this doesn't interfere with my duties as an air traffic controller.

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Jodie Pine's avatar

But you stay hydrated while on duty, right?

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Caroline Gavin's avatar

Heaven forbid we have a desiccated body in the Control Tower!

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Liz kelley's avatar

Love it!

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Rev Elizabeth River's avatar

Yay, Paul Eric! You made me laugh almost as hard as I do with the Master!! (AB) The last line is perfect!! Do you do stand up? Oh never mind - just keep writing! I love your vocabulary. orange. sac. excrement. nazi pals

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Michael Eckert's avatar

I live in Iowa: where can I get some Iowaska?

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John Townsend's avatar

A-ah! I'm frightened now!

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Susie's avatar

Ahahahahhahahahaha!!!

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Bob's avatar

I took 2 Tylenol today just to stick it to the man.

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HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Are you pregnant, Bob?

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

😝😝😝

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Michael Levy's avatar

We have finally reached the point where it’s fair to say that NOTHING the government says is believable any more. Unless you believe in the Tooth Fairy of course.

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Phil M.'s avatar

I heard RFKjr is giving the Tooth Fairy a position in his cabinet.

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Ruth Bromer's avatar

I think that the Tooth Fairy would never accept such an appointment.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and she will be the most qualified person in that department!

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John Gregory's avatar

makes sense. With no fluoride in the water, the Tooth Fairy is going to get much busier...

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Lisa Botwinick's avatar

LOL! 🤣

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Rev Elizabeth River's avatar

Oh Michael, the Tooth Fairy is way closer to the Truth than the prezzidunce, that I am going to increase my belief in her (Tooth Fairy) In fact I nominate her for Surgeon General!

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John Townsend's avatar

--and I know she'll deposit a check of several million dollars under my pillow tonight, right?

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Catherine Brennan's avatar

If you have a bag to stuff it into

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Kevin Baltimore's avatar

I was thinking he may of had a dispute with the company that produces Tylenol. It obviously doesn’t work on dementia.

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Margaret Zwald's avatar

I am waiting for the huge civil suit.

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HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

That would be awesome. I was swearing at the person who put cyanide(?) in Tylenol bottles back in the '80s while trying to peel the safety seal off a bottle of yes, chocolate syrup.

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Sandra Greer's avatar

Yes, people have forgotten that guy, but he is responsible for all those goddam safety seals and push-down-while-pulling-up caps.

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John Townsend's avatar

I'm waiting for Trump to pop out of his suit!

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Deb Demonbreun's avatar

I'm waiting for his head to pop off of his neck when the blood pressure gets any higher.

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William Scoble's avatar

Just a grammar comment. You are virtually alone in using “media” correctly as a plural noun. Thanks, Andy

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

You noticed!!!

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Maria Jette's avatar

Next: data.

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L A Middlesteadt's avatar

Ooooh, tough one.

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LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

Don't neglect to read Anne Curzan's "Says Who?", which will calm your inner grammando and encourage your inner wordie.

And you will laugh out loud many times. As a former grammar policewoman and LA teacher, I promise you it's worth the read! Especially during those long sleepless nights when you need entertaining distraction.

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Catharine Farkas's avatar

I didn't think there was such a thing as a "former" grammer policewoman....

While I have toned down my former knee jerk reactions, I haven't fully retired ...😅

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John Gregory's avatar

And Lynne Truss's classic Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

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John Townsend's avatar

-which we wish Trump would do after visiting the golden toilet!

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Liz kelley's avatar

Me too! But I taught English.

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Jerome Vanderberg's avatar

English teachers always made me taut.

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Jane Gutsell's avatar

No he isn't and that goes for data as well. Old English teacher here.

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Mark Norman's avatar

Why does Trump hate comedians? Because he is weak: a weak, whining pussy.

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Caroline Gavin's avatar

HEY, don’t insult all the other – lesser – pussies out there!

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Gary Farrar's avatar

Trump has made me consume way too much anxiety and disgust. In short, he has messed with my happiness. Just go away, Donald.

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Wis's avatar

Yay, Kimmel’s back! 👏🥳. Now we know that boycotting CAN work, even these days! Money (loss of it) speaks to corporations/billionaires. Let’s do more!!

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Sarah M Morenon's avatar

I’ll wait and see what happens tomorrow before signing up for Hulu again.

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Wis's avatar

Wise

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Steve Newman's avatar

Right on Wis, Money & movie stars & I guess some influencers too, what ever the hell that is.

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Wis's avatar

(I know, right?? What a weird job title, "influencer".)

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John Townsend's avatar

Must bring in the big buck-a-roonies!

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Jane Gutsell's avatar

What boycotting can get Stephen back?

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Ellen Kahn's avatar

Just the subject line, first laugh of the day. Thank you

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Heather Grant's avatar

Bravo from Canada 🇨🇦

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D Cohen's avatar

Looks like the Tylenol company had better increase its contributions to Trump.

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Catharine Farkas's avatar

Or sue for billions of dollars!

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John Townsend's avatar

I like that better! That would cure many headaches!

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Patricia Buescher's avatar

I find my consumption of red wine and dark chocolate has skyrocketed!

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Hank Napkin's avatar

Note the Past Tense in "TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING".

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MILLER Fern's avatar

Too bad he’s not in the past, tenseor relaxed….

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