There is an old but hilarious joke about that jail. Everyone in the cast of the Andy Griffith Show was single; Aunt Bee, Andy, Barnie, Floyd, Goober, Gomer, Clara etc. The only cast member depicted as married was Otis, and he stayed drunk all the time!
Yes! In Mayberry Otis needs a place where he can sleep it off, and he's no problem. For Trump, however, he will need a larger cell. Maybe a GoFundMe to build it?
If Andy Borowitz launches a GoFundMe for a plush jail cell for Trump (45 x 47), I promise to donate $25. Andy could then divert the funds to ActBlue to help defend them from Mad King Donald.
Maybe Hans Christian Andersen's fable about the emperor has no clothes could be posted in the jail cell (although we probably prefer that Trump keep his clothes on). What else does the jail cell need?
Oh yes, gold, of course, and perhaps a tiny golf green for putting (i.e., cheating). One more request, a button to push for a Diet Coke (but the button is permanently broken).
He said he wants to reopen the Titanic and its northern route to and from Europe with its big beautiful icebergs 🚢
Elaborating on social media: "Bring back the Titanic with its amazing band and the wonderful life boats. The band can play at the Kennedy Center between voyages. And I love life boats as long as they protect me from those radical left-fin sharks. We need to lead the world in shark-proof life boat manufacturing and my new tariffs will bring back that industry to America.
Phil -- Their new policy is a free ticket on a lifeboat if you've purchased his bible and sneakers. And rich men get higher priority than women and children 🤔
I think Trump wants that lady from the old Wendy's commercial "where's the beef?" to be brought back. He thinks she will be a good ambassador for negotiating with Zelenskyy.
The foil factory to make the chocolate wrappers. Except all foil will be gold and families - mother, father, and children- will work in this vertically-integrated chocolate factory, just as his cabinet (Lutnick) envisions - entire generations of chocolate serfs.
Yes: Under the Dump, we can have an army of millions and millions of human beings twisting those little twists at the top of those little chocolate kisses.
Hey - don't knock Studebakers. My first car in 1963 was a 1952 Studebaker that I worked all summer to pay for. Paid $250. Car lasted about a year and then father traded in for another "family" car.
I had a '64 Studebaker station wagon with a sliding top that opened from the rear window and slid forward. I think the idea was to accommodate large plants or maybe statues. It was pure Studebaker. This was in the late 70's and it helped me discover what I have come to know as the Studebaker effect. That is when you have something rare you suddenly discover it everywhere.
They seem to be in remission of late but for a period of time Studebakers were everywhere!
My parents first car was a Nash but the second was a Studebaker. It was replaced by a used ‘55 Chevy in ‘57 as a victim of the salt used on roads in Syracuse. I was four then so what a remember about it was lifting up the carpet in the back and watching the road go by. And the brakes failing as my uncle was driving us home down a steep hill. But I understand the real problem was something about the gear shift about to fall out.
The first car I drove (after I got my license) was my dad's 54 Chevy. Then his next car was a Nash station wagon...all the back seats flattened out. He thought it was practical. I thought, well, yes -- but for a different reason. Tee-Hee.
And don't ever forget the Corvair! I remember driving a Pinto, and my description of its responsiveness was, when I stepped on the accelerator, it turned around and asked me if I wanted something…
Yeah, but did it ever accelerate or drive as fast as you wanted to? I only drove the one I mentioned a couple of times, but it was enough. Thank you for a good laugh.
I just did some fact-checking on my claim that Rove had a Gremlin. That is false. The purple car with faux denim upholstery belonged to GHW and Barbara Bush.
Hey! I had two bright yellow 1971 Gremlins. Over 70 MPH, they were scary and the metal rusted faster than I could stick bond into the holes. But, I would not mind getting another one... if the bodies were made out of fiberglass.
My Dad taught me to drive on a 1932 Chevy pickup, no power anything and the gear shift on the floor was almost as tall as I was. Funny thing about that was that my mother didn't know he did that. Found out by accident 20 years later but had a shit fit anyway even though we were both still alive.
I have no answer for what's next, Andy, but if this is true (and I KNOW everything you say is true),... I am both shocked and embarrassed to find I finally AGREE with the S.O.B. on something.
Any store chain that went bankrupt, because that is the best way to do business. Toys 'r us maybe, they can sell all those American made toys, Trump Toy Company anybody?
Yes! For only $49.99, you can have a dancing Trump picture on your refrigerator! No prescription of refills needed! And if you eat less, your grocery bills will go down! But wait! There's more! Order before midnight tonight and get a free bottle of Maalox!
omg! Andy Borowitz, you got every platitude and stupid moronic utterance down exactly and precisely as spewed out by his majesty ever since 2016 (And getting worse).
What a nice idea for trumpf to take on a project of this magnitude! We need this sort of Leadership in today's world, all right. No question about it.
Will we be able to get those nice chocolate Easter Bunnies again, the kind wrapped in colorful tinfoil? These are the questions that trumpf should address at once.
Here's a cheerful thought: These jo-jos stuffing their faces with milk chocolate bars whilst directing their bombs, missiles, and nuclear projectiles, at our perceived "Enemies" (or at least Mt. trumpf's Personal Enemies) all at one and the same time.
Andy, thanks for the update on Trump's current desire of chocolate manufacturing, but Willy Wonka's factory is in Canada, and Mr. Wonka has stated that he will not come to the United States while Trump is president. Mr. Wonka says also that Canada will never be a 51st state of the U.S. and would shut done his chocolate business if it were to be so. Canada's chocolate taste is better than any in the United States. Having voted Trump as president, it shows that the U.S has a very bad taste.
What else will Trump call to be reopened?
Mordor, because "there are good people on both sides in the War of the Ring."
I agree. I think Sauron was treated unfairly by Tolkien. His goal was to unify Middle Earth. Unity is good, right?
Gentlemen, there will be no fighting in the Unity room!
Ha! Yep!
How about reopening the jail in Mayberry that Sheriff Andy and Deputy Barney were responsible for?
There is an old but hilarious joke about that jail. Everyone in the cast of the Andy Griffith Show was single; Aunt Bee, Andy, Barnie, Floyd, Goober, Gomer, Clara etc. The only cast member depicted as married was Otis, and he stayed drunk all the time!
My old dog was named after Barney.
LOVE IT!
Yes! In Mayberry Otis needs a place where he can sleep it off, and he's no problem. For Trump, however, he will need a larger cell. Maybe a GoFundMe to build it?
If Andy Borowitz launches a GoFundMe for a plush jail cell for Trump (45 x 47), I promise to donate $25. Andy could then divert the funds to ActBlue to help defend them from Mad King Donald.
Maybe Hans Christian Andersen's fable about the emperor has no clothes could be posted in the jail cell (although we probably prefer that Trump keep his clothes on). What else does the jail cell need?
Restraints, handcuffs, ankle chains......
But it has to be gold
Oh yes, gold, of course, and perhaps a tiny golf green for putting (i.e., cheating). One more request, a button to push for a Diet Coke (but the button is permanently broken).
How about pyrite (fools' gold)? Trump won't know the difference.
Lodge Trump in the same cell as the town drunk!
Wouldn't that be Petey the Tool?
I think his cellmate should be Hannibal Lecter.
No, his cell mate should be a transexual.
That would be cruel and unusual punishment to Otis.
He said he wants to reopen the Titanic and its northern route to and from Europe with its big beautiful icebergs 🚢
Elaborating on social media: "Bring back the Titanic with its amazing band and the wonderful life boats. The band can play at the Kennedy Center between voyages. And I love life boats as long as they protect me from those radical left-fin sharks. We need to lead the world in shark-proof life boat manufacturing and my new tariffs will bring back that industry to America.
The thing is — you don’t really know if that’s satire or reality. Strange times, strange times…
But make sure that the boats don't have electric engines!
I was going to buy a ticket for the new Trump Titanic. But they wanted extra for a ticket to a lifeboat.
Phil -- Their new policy is a free ticket on a lifeboat if you've purchased his bible and sneakers. And rich men get higher priority than women and children 🤔
lol 😺
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think Trump wants that lady from the old Wendy's commercial "where's the beef?" to be brought back. He thinks she will be a good ambassador for negotiating with Zelenskyy.
Love it!
She would only haunt the Lincoln Room alongside the ghost of old Abe!
The foil factory to make the chocolate wrappers. Except all foil will be gold and families - mother, father, and children- will work in this vertically-integrated chocolate factory, just as his cabinet (Lutnick) envisions - entire generations of chocolate serfs.
Yes: Under the Dump, we can have an army of millions and millions of human beings twisting those little twists at the top of those little chocolate kisses.
I just want someone to UNtwist them and feed them to me. Politics shmolitics!
LOVE this comment! Politics shmolitics indeed! Let's Make America
CHOCOLATE Again! Lynda Greer, Atlanta, GA. (think chocolate- covered
Peaches & Peanuts)
HA
Jobs will be advertised as "chocolate serfers"......... to entice Maganuts
Rita -- In a more perfect world, all of their dastardly deeds would be foiled.
I bet he’d love to reopen factories for Studebakers, DeSotos, Edsels, and even Packards.
Chocolate Studebakers!
Or Edsels!
Solid chocolate Cybertrucks unlike the
real thing which may be hollow inside.
How crazy to name one's new model after one's son and have it fail; jeesh, the poor child!
The EricandDonmobile!
Hey - don't knock Studebakers. My first car in 1963 was a 1952 Studebaker that I worked all summer to pay for. Paid $250. Car lasted about a year and then father traded in for another "family" car.
I had a '64 Studebaker station wagon with a sliding top that opened from the rear window and slid forward. I think the idea was to accommodate large plants or maybe statues. It was pure Studebaker. This was in the late 70's and it helped me discover what I have come to know as the Studebaker effect. That is when you have something rare you suddenly discover it everywhere.
They seem to be in remission of late but for a period of time Studebakers were everywhere!
My parents first car was a Nash but the second was a Studebaker. It was replaced by a used ‘55 Chevy in ‘57 as a victim of the salt used on roads in Syracuse. I was four then so what a remember about it was lifting up the carpet in the back and watching the road go by. And the brakes failing as my uncle was driving us home down a steep hill. But I understand the real problem was something about the gear shift about to fall out.
The first car I drove (after I got my license) was my dad's 54 Chevy. Then his next car was a Nash station wagon...all the back seats flattened out. He thought it was practical. I thought, well, yes -- but for a different reason. Tee-Hee.
Lol
As you can see, I’m losing track of what’s fiction and what’s real
Lynn, you can add the flammable Ford Pinto and Tesla cars to the list 😉🔥
And don't ever forget the Corvair! I remember driving a Pinto, and my description of its responsiveness was, when I stepped on the accelerator, it turned around and asked me if I wanted something…
😂😂
I had a pinto. There was a bumper sticker on it that said, “I explode on contact.”
I could drive as slow as I wanted, and no one ever sat on my ass.
Classic!
Yeah, but did it ever accelerate or drive as fast as you wanted to? I only drove the one I mentioned a couple of times, but it was enough. Thank you for a good laugh.
And my Pacer please - loved the way it drove but not its engineering.
Don't forget the Gremlin. Butt ugly but I loved mine.
I think even Karl Rove had one!
Talk about butt ugly...
I just did some fact-checking on my claim that Rove had a Gremlin. That is false. The purple car with faux denim upholstery belonged to GHW and Barbara Bush.
Gotta have truthiness here on TBR.
Hey! I had two bright yellow 1971 Gremlins. Over 70 MPH, they were scary and the metal rusted faster than I could stick bond into the holes. But, I would not mind getting another one... if the bodies were made out of fiberglass.
You take me back to childhood with those cars. My grandfather owned a Packard, don't remember its year. But it was very big and very black.
My grandfather had a Hudson
Ooh! I remember those from when I was a little kid in NJ. I think my grandfather's Packard was a 1929, but I would have seen it in the 1950s.
We did, too. A Hudson Hornet , two-tone blue. We called it the Blue Bomb.
Ah, no power steering, no power brakes, manual wind-up/wind-down windows. A fun drive on Lombardy St. in SF!
My Dad taught me to drive on a 1932 Chevy pickup, no power anything and the gear shift on the floor was almost as tall as I was. Funny thing about that was that my mother didn't know he did that. Found out by accident 20 years later but had a shit fit anyway even though we were both still alive.
I have no answer for what's next, Andy, but if this is true (and I KNOW everything you say is true),... I am both shocked and embarrassed to find I finally AGREE with the S.O.B. on something.
That and maybe water pressure in the shower.
I swear that's all.
😳
I never had a shower water problem. Maybe my shower head was bootleg.
No one did or had. Just more rumppIan lies.
The water thing is totally BS. Just another Trump lie. Same with low flow toilets, him claiming
“I had to flush it 13 times to get it to work.”
Total BS.
The X Files?
Big fan here😁
Reopen the Garden of Eden so his extractive industry donors can clear cut the trees and drill for oil😢
Stephen, They can also tap into the ample supply of snake oil, a vital ingredient in their propaganda programs.
Ha, bingo!
And sell the fruits from the "Tree of Good and Evil" while not ever eating them.
No knowledge there of what is truly bad.
Any store chain that went bankrupt, because that is the best way to do business. Toys 'r us maybe, they can sell all those American made toys, Trump Toy Company anybody?
Bring back Edsels, Pintos, and Aztecs!
I prefer to think that Pintos were not real.
Thought the Pinto was a sailing ship.
Hah, or bad Spanish, I will have a pinto of beero,
Trump wigs?
So Trump can wig out!
The Old Slave Mart in Charleston S.C. After all, he has already removed the ban on segregation by military contractors. I figure slavery is next.
Any McDonalds or KFC locations that have been closed. He must have them within proximity no matter where he is.
The Fly Club.
"Whites only" restrooms?
You can see that coming. Maybe that is the big secret announcement he has been teasing Fox viewers about.
I think trump is "obsessed" with anything involved with criminals. This is natural to him b/c he is one.
The mouth of Bruce the Shark in “Jaws” — scooping up his enemies!
I forgot for a moment that this was Andy Borowitz - it seems so much like something Trump might have actually said!
Everything Andy says is true, right?
Yes, BayPoodle. True. Everything. Right. 𝘌𝘹𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘳!
I spy “a banner with the strange device”!
He really had me going for a minute. So like 45/47.
Yeh. We've got to be careful :-) !!
Yeah, careful. Do we have to let those midget wierdos back in?
So long as any gang membership can be successfully disproved!
Hey aren’t the Oompa-lompas orange too?
Me too!
I’d settle for the bathrooms in Riverside Park near 79th street?
Don’t let that fool watch Dr. Strangelove
He wouldn't get it
Trump could ride the bomb!
That’s what I see him doing, it is all about him
Trump SHOULD ride the bomb!!
1000 %
Yes!
Hegseth is the current Jack Ripper
Probably too late!
This one had me laughing out loud. It feels good to laugh. Thanks Andy
Sadly, I can't tell the difference between what's parody and what's real anymore.😳
Life is a cabaret...
--while the crypto-Nazis march outside.
No, it’s worse than that. Cabarets are actually entertaining; this is a merde-filled disaster.
Who would have dreamt that Trump would post an AI photo of himself as Pope?
I did not see that one coming.
He’s the Pope of Poop.
And then deny the whole thing. Is he claiming that his Truth Social was hacked?
He could be King of the Oompa Loompas. Colour and shape are similar
but he lacks in the dancing category
The thought of him dancing makes me lose all interest in food. (We may have a new diet plan here folks!)
We have dancing Santas, dress them like trump, but you only get two.
Two Trumps could bring on an eating disorder.
Wah! I want 30!
Sorry, little girl, you can only have two... or maybe three if you are very, very good.
*sniffle* Bad Twump! Vewy bad Twump!
watch out Ozempic and Mounjaro!
Yes! For only $49.99, you can have a dancing Trump picture on your refrigerator! No prescription of refills needed! And if you eat less, your grocery bills will go down! But wait! There's more! Order before midnight tonight and get a free bottle of Maalox!
Really? But he told Mark Carney and gathered press he’s a highly creative person.
only in his mind . . . just like he's a Christian
Highly creative with the truth.
Is there anything that he has created other than mayhem.
Yes, Trump created defective offspring
Ouch!
Exactly lol
He is. Who else could create all those delusional fantasies about himself being fabulous?
--or in any category!
He has his dopey dance where he (quoting Bill Maher) “looks like he’s jerking off two guys at the same time.”
I heard it was two giraffes, but point taken :)
Sue - HAHAHAHAHAHA
Off topic, but Trump has ended the India -- Pakistan War by making Kashmir our 52nd State.
The guy is a Genius.
Can you spell N-O-B-E-L P-E-A-C-E P-R-I-Z-E?
Doesn't deserve it. Kash Patel whispered it to him
Make Trump spell it in Urdu or Punjabi!
Won’t work. Trump thinks those are new items on the McDonalds menu
🤪😂
omg! Andy Borowitz, you got every platitude and stupid moronic utterance down exactly and precisely as spewed out by his majesty ever since 2016 (And getting worse).
What a nice idea for trumpf to take on a project of this magnitude! We need this sort of Leadership in today's world, all right. No question about it.
Will we be able to get those nice chocolate Easter Bunnies again, the kind wrapped in colorful tinfoil? These are the questions that trumpf should address at once.
yes so important for national security
Here's a cheerful thought: These jo-jos stuffing their faces with milk chocolate bars whilst directing their bombs, missiles, and nuclear projectiles, at our perceived "Enemies" (or at least Mt. trumpf's Personal Enemies) all at one and the same time.
"a project of this magnitude"
GOOD ONE! 😂🤣😂🤣
Andy, thanks for the update on Trump's current desire of chocolate manufacturing, but Willy Wonka's factory is in Canada, and Mr. Wonka has stated that he will not come to the United States while Trump is president. Mr. Wonka says also that Canada will never be a 51st state of the U.S. and would shut done his chocolate business if it were to be so. Canada's chocolate taste is better than any in the United States. Having voted Trump as president, it shows that the U.S has a very bad taste.
He’s certainly given Americans with a bad aftertaste. Oh gosh…I think I’m gonna spew…
that's why I love my Aero bars so much; God help tRump if he jeopardizes their production
Uppah trumpah, dumpity do. I’ve got another puzzle for you…
What do you get when the prez is a brat?
Mangling the world and gorging sat fat.
We need a leader not a small child.
…
Someone else finish it. Coffee before parody is my motto.
As you requested, Mandy:
"...but the idea of chocolate has me beguiled."
This is what you get when MAGA-ots voooooooote....
Aaahahaha! I love this community. I’ve found my people! 😁
at least with Joe the dementia was mild
And not malevolent or hate-filled.
Rubio is reported to have said, "Great that I can combine brown mouthing with brown nosing.,"
😆 but wince...
So much territory for Rubio to work with down there.......
OMG! Yuck and 3X wince!
Great idea, he’d be the American Augustus Glüp of the reboot.
You just beat me to that, Michelle!
Though actually, he's all four of the bratty kids rolled into one...
now if we could only get him to be in touch with his Mike TV side, we could shrink him and put him in a bug jar.
Hitting 'like' repeatedly!!!
YES. I’m getting an image…”but I want a meme coin NOW, daddy!
Mike Person Woman Man Camera Teevee 😆
hehehe
He'll just replace the woke Gene Wilder with Pete Hegseth using chocolate mousse.
My first thought after reading this morning's satire: I miss Gene Wilder.
It'd be great if he were still among us, and Kegsbreath fell off an aircraft carrier.
Thank you for that. I miss Gene Wilder too.
Me too!!!
Me three!!!!
It could be on Alcatraz.
America needs to end its myopic obsession with sensible trade policies and START A GOLDEN TICKET WRAPPER OPENING CAMPAIGN
I read he wants to convert Three Mile Island to coal and use the Love Canal as a source for bottled water, Trump Golden Springs.
Good one -- but ew.