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Trump Claims Florida Failed to Count All 15,000 Ballots He Mailed In
“The fact that we still didn’t win is proof that voting by mail doesn’t work," he charged.
 • Andy Borowitz
Some Very Bad News for Trump
And his truly terrible week is about to get even worse.
 • Andy Borowitz
TSA Arrests ICE Agents After Guns Set Off Metal Detectors
ICE agents walked through the detectors despite signs warning that firearms were not permitted.
 • Andy Borowitz
TACO Monday: Metamucilini Blinks Again
The Andy Borowitz Show
 • Andy Borowitz
24:32
Trump Says Intelligence Played No Role in His Decision to Start War
“Intelligence is for losers.”
 • Andy Borowitz
The Complete Wisdom of Dan Quayle
TBR Sunday Read
 • Andy Borowitz
Hegseth Bans Microphones at Pentagon After Press Briefings Make Him Sound Like Idiot
“I’ve been watching so-called news coverage of me and every word out of my mouth sounds stupider than the last,” he said. “I blame microphones.”
 • Andy Borowitz
Markwayne Mullin Says Anyone Who Claims He Has Anger Issues Will Get Kicked in the Face
The Oklahoma senator vowed to do whatever it takes to defend his reputation as a pacifist.
 • Andy Borowitz
Trump Sends Stephen Miller to Strait of Hormuz: ‘No One Clears a Place out Faster Than Him’
He expressed confidence in Miller’s effectiveness as a human repellent.
 • Andy Borowitz
Zelenskyy Rejects Trump’s Plea for Military Aid in Testy White House Meeting
"You don't have any cards," Zelenskyy told the dejected Trump.
 • Andy Borowitz
Rubio in Coma After Falling Down Stairs in Ill-fitting Florsheims
Rubio tumbled down the marble steps headfirst before braining himself on a newly installed statue of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
 • Andy Borowitz
Pete Hegseth’s Private Search History
TBR Sunday Read
 • Andy Borowitz
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