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July 2026

Who's Elise Stefanik Sucking up to Now?
She spent a decade strenuously sucking up to Donald Trump and came up empty. Now she’s sucking up to someone new. Will she have better luck this time?
 • Andy Borowitz
Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance
The pontiff said that he had arrived at the decision after learning the “troubling news” that Vance had reproduced “yet again.”
 • Andy Borowitz
Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for Estrogen
According to those familiar with the test results, Hegseth’s estrogen count would place him in the 99th percentile of all women.
 • Andy Borowitz
Unconscious Mitch McConnell Scores Higher Approval Rating Than Conscious Version
Voters pointed to progress on guns, the environment, and a host of other issues that could have been achieved if only McConnell had not been sentient.
 • Andy Borowitz
The Logic Behind Trump's Saudi Nuclear Deal, Applied to Other Situations
TBR Sunday Read
 • Carlos Greaves
Low T? Pete Hegseth Has No T.
The Andy Borowitz Show
 • Andy Borowitz
29:55
Hegseth Says His Naturally High Testosterone Has Helped Him Apply Makeup
“In order to be Secretary of War, I have to be Secretary of Warpaint,” he told reporters. “And my warpaint is by Estée Lauder.”
 • Andy Borowitz
Canadian Prime Minister Tells Trump That Orange Air is a Tribute to Him
“We Canadians were thinking of something special we could give you for your birthday, and this is what we came up with,” Carney said.
 • Andy Borowitz
Susan Collins Concerned That Maine Voters Might Remember Things She Has Done
“I want voters to know that I’m concerned that they’re concerned," she said.
 • Andy Borowitz
LEAKED: Suggested Slogans for Marco Rubio’s 2028 Campaign
TBR Sunday Read
 • Ginny Hogan
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