Archive - The Borowitz Report

J.D. Vance Brainstorming Ways to Alienate Owners of Birds, Fish

"Anyone who thinks I can’t repel every last bird or fish lover in this great land of ours doesn’t know J.D. Vance.”

23 hrs ago

Marjorie Taylor Greene Warns That Harris's Husband Has Access to Space Laser

Doug Emhoff plans to use his "interstellar laser craft" to steal the election, she alleged.

Jul 25

Nation’s Cats Lash Out at J.D. Vance in Million Meow March

“He thinks cat owners suck,” the cats said. “Actually, you know what sucks? ‘Hillbilly Elegy.’"

Jul 24

Harris Challenges Trump to Walk Down a Ramp

"I will meet you anytime, anywhere, any ramp," she said.

Jul 23

Melania Says Trump Tricked Her into Attending RNC by Promising to Sign Divorce Papers There

The subterfuge infuriated the former First Lady.

Jul 22

Republicans Accuse Democrats of Plotting to Nominate Winning Candidate

“This should never be allowed to happen in our country," Trump said.

Jul 21

Biden Steps Down: What Now?

BREAKING: President Biden has ended his campaign. Who will give the Democrats the best chance of beating Trump? Okay, TBR community: the chat begins…

Jul 21

Donald Trump's Scary Cognitive Decline: An Interview with Mary L. Trump

The Borowitz Report Podcast

Jul 21

18:02

RNC Ends on High Note as Ghost of Jeffrey Epstein Endorses Trump

The RNC gave the spectral Epstein a standing ovation.

Jul 19

RNC Attendees Donate Their Organs to Trump

Trump indicated he would sell the body parts to pay his legal bills.

Jul 18

Satan Declines to Buy J.D. Vance’s Soul

“I like making a mortal turn to the dark side,” Satan said. “J.D. was already there.”

Jul 17

Biden Uses Presidential Immunity to Replace Judge Cannon with his Dog Commander

Most legal experts believe Commander is an improvement over Cannon.

Jul 16

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