Archive - The Borowitz Report

Ayatollah Names Trump Employee of the Month

The Andy Borowitz Show

Jun 18 • Andy Borowitz

30:27

Ayatollah’s ‘Art of the Deal’ Becomes #1 Bestseller

“Don’t just be a leader,” the book jacket urges. “Be a Supreme one!”

Jun 17 • Andy Borowitz

Iran Agrees to End War in Exchange for Never Having to Talk to JD Vance Again

“All the bombs we dropped on those crazy bastards couldn’t do what the sound of JD’s voice did,” Trump said.

Jun 16 • Andy Borowitz

Trump Turns Eighty But Claims He Has Brain of Four-year-old

Doctors at his last exam told him that his cognition had scored at a four-year-old level, he said.

Jun 15 • Andy Borowitz

The One Founding Father Who Would Have Been Into This UFC Fight Thing

TBR Sunday Read

Jun 14 • Felipe

Police Investigating 8647 Markings on National Mall Find Unusual Hat at Scene of Crime

Detectives believe that the mysterious hat could help them identify the perpetrator.

Jun 12 • Andy Borowitz

Iranian Navy Humiliates Trump by Closing Reflecting Pool

The Iranians choked off access to the newly renovated pool and began charging tourists to look at it.

Jun 11 • Andy Borowitz

Barron Trump’s Energy Drink Fails Product Test

After taking a swig from the beverage at Monday's Knicks game, a man appeared to fall into a deep, coma-like sleep.

Jun 9 • Andy Borowitz

Todd Blanche Quits DOJ to Pursue Dream of Going to Law School

“Ever since I was a little kid and watched ‘Matlock,’ I dreamed of someday becoming a lawyer,” Blanche told reporters.

Jun 9 • Andy Borowitz

Pope Leo Draws Crowd of 1.2 Million Without Hosting UFC Fight

The Pope bucked the conventional wisdom that people will only turn out in large numbers to see men on steroids kick each other in the face.

Jun 8 • Andy Borowitz

Markwayne Mullin’s Tourist Guide to the US Now That He’s Closing All Major US Airports

TBR Sunday Read

Jun 7 • Felipe

Paxton Blasts Talarico’s Lack of Criminal Record

“James Talarico never saw a law he didn’t abide," Paxton alleged.

Jun 4 • Andy Borowitz

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