The Borowitz Report

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Prince Andrew Announces He Will Move to America Where Government Protects Pedophiles
“If you’re a pedophile, Washington is a sanctuary city.”
2 hrs ago
867
95
Mike Johnson Accuses No Kings Protesters of Blatantly Exercising First Amendment Rights
The Speaker alleged that "far-left lunatics and Antifa members" were conspiring to take the First Amendment literally.
11 hrs ago
1,377
337
We Can Do This
Time to declare our independence.
Oct 16
1,458
1,054
Qataris Reject Trump’s Idaho Offer and Demand Airbase at Mar-a-Lago
“We gave you a 400-million-dollar 747. You’re not sticking us in some Idaho shithole.”
Oct 15
1,823
457
Trump Claims Thousands of Chicagoans Were Seen Running for Their Lives Over Weekend
“You’d run, too, if you were being chased by Antifa.”
Oct 13
2,214
506
Americans Mystified Why Nonessential Federal Employee Still Has Job
The still-employed man performs no identifiable function, Americans noted.
Oct 13
2,749
509
TBR Caption Contest Finalists!
TBR Sunday Read
Oct 12
785
228
Trump Rallies Angry Supporters Outside Nobel HQ in Oslo
“If you want to win the Nobel Peace Prize, you’ve got to fight like hell.”
Oct 10
1,887
1,114
Indicting People Who Lied to Congress Would Overcrowd Prisons
The result would be mass incarceration on an unprecedented scale.
Oct 9
1,565
1,124
Comey’s Charges Dismissed After Trump’s Handpicked Prosecutor Misspells his Name as “Homey”
“Indictmenting is hard," Lindsey Halligan said.
Oct 8
2,125
395
Another Reason to Love Canada
Guaranteed laughter.
Oct 8
1,325
224
Trump Explodes with Rage after Gavin Newsom Wins Nobel Peace Prize
The committee recognized Trump with a "certificate of participation."
Oct 7
2,364
604
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