Archive - The Borowitz Report

Pete Hegseth’s Holiday Wishlist

TBR Sunday Read

Dec 8

Biden Pardons Every Democrat in Country

“If you’re the enemy within, you’re in."

Dec 6

Health Insurer Requires Patients to Begin Operating on Themselves Before Arriving at Hospital

"This is an innovative way for patients to play an active role in their own healthcare.”

Dec 5

In Search of Sanity

I'm here to help.

Dec 5

Biden Offers to Pardon Commander if he Bites Kristi Noem

“Go for it, champ," the president said.

Dec 4

Trump Blasts Biden for Issuing Pardon Without Being Paid For It

“This will lower the market value of every future pardon I give.”

Dec 3

Pete Hegseth Claims He Never Met His Mother

“I think it’s pretty suspicious that, just when a man is nominated for a Cabinet position, his mother comes out of the woodwork."

Dec 2

How to Survive the Next Four Years

Some unsolicited advice.

Dec 1

Trump Names El Chapo Ambassador to Mexico

Trump called the pick consistent with his policy of choosing “only the best people.”

Dec 1

November 2024

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