Sitemap - 2024 - The Borowitz Report
Jimmy Carter Deserved Better. So Do We.
Musk Says Working for Him is Job no American Would Want
LEAKED: Trump and RFK Jr. Discuss Fluoride
Clarence and Ginni Thomas Lost at Sea After Elon Musk’s Self-Driving Superyacht Hits Iceberg
National Search Underway for Even One Person who Voted for Elon Musk
ABC News Adopts Zero-Tolerance Policy for News
Republicans Release Gaetz Report After Realizing Their Voters Don’t Read
Unidentified Drones Pose Smaller Threat than Pete Hegseth
ABC Apologizes for Freedom of Press
The Love Poems of Kimberly Guilfoyle
Hegseth Offers to Connect Breathalyzer to Nuclear Arsenal
Greece Begs Guilfoyle to Stay in US: “We can Hear you from There.”
Tariff on Chinese Goods Hikes Price of Trump Bible to $1000
Reopening of Notre-Dame Marred by Appearance of Antichrist
Pete Hegseth’s Holiday Wishlist
Biden Pardons Every Democrat in Country
Health Insurer Requires Patients to Begin Operating on Themselves Before Arriving at Hospital
Biden Offers to Pardon Commander if he Bites Kristi Noem
Trump Blasts Biden for Issuing Pardon Without Being Paid For It
Pete Hegseth Claims He Never Met His Mother
How to Survive the Next Four Years
Trump Names El Chapo Ambassador to Mexico
How to Gaslight Your Trump-voting Relatives This Thanksgiving
WTF to be Thankful For: An Interview with Susie Essman
Bezos Unable to Return Washington Post for Full Refund
Nixon Reacts to Trump’s Cabinet Picks
Gaetz's Job Application Rejected by Hooters
Guardrail Protecting Democracy Turns out to be Venmo
American Medical Association Recommends Patients Go to Canada
"Morning Joe" Hosts Claim They Only Went to Mar-a-Lago to See the Nuclear Codes
"Morning Joe" Loses Remaining Five Viewers
Proximity to Power Fails to Make Elon Musk Interesting
Giuliani Warns Matt Gaetz That Trump Never Pays His Attorneys
Kari Lake Outraged That Republicans Are Suddenly Accepting Election Results
Americans Switch from Washington Post Subscription to Gummies
U.S. Releases Strategic Alcohol Reserve Before Election Night
Trump Enraged After RFK Jr’s Worm Endorses Harris
Trump in Race Against Time to Alienate Remaining Minority Groups
Bezos and Musk in Fierce Contest to See Who Can Lose More Customers
The Borowitz Report Endorses Kamala Harris
Jeff Bezos Sells Washington Post’s Integrity in Latest Amazon Prime Deal
Elon Musk Offers Million Dollars to Anyone Willing to Give Up Human Rights
George Santos Calls JD Vance a Once-in-a-Generation Lying Talent
Trump Refuses to Admit He Lost McDonald’s Employee of the Month
Trump Promises to Rename Washington Monument After Arnold Palmer
When Did the New York Times Fall in Love with Trump?
Fox Claims Harris Broke Interview Rules by Completing Sentences
Vance Bops to Music for 9 Hours to Prove He Could Assume Trump’s Duties
Elderly Man Struggles to Dance in Time to Music
New York Times Admits Sean Hannity Has Been Editor-in-Chief for Past Four Years
MTG Despondent That Christopher Columbus Was Jewish: “First Jesus, Now Him?”
Voices in Marjorie Taylor Greene's Head Desperate to Escape
Trump’s Chinese Bibles Taking Jobs away from American Bibles
Melania's Book Withdrawn After it Accidentally Included her Prenuptial Agreement
Elon Musk Presides Over Yet Another Failed Launch
Announcing Trump's Biggest Loser!
Vance Calls Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius a Peaceful Transfer of Lava
Walz Demolished Vance, According to Poll of Cats
JD Vance Admits Receiving Payments from Maybelline
Iranians Who Hacked Trump Say They Did Not Find Even a Concept of a Plan
Only the Best People: Trump’s Clown Car
Trump Says He Will Be Too Senile to Debate in Late October
Staff of Nude Africa Porn Site Quit to Distance Selves from Mark Robinson
Melania Says She is Proud of Nude Modeling But Embarrassed About Marriage
Mark Robinson’s Comments on Porn Site Eerily Similar to Project 2025
JD Vance Responds to Mark Robinson News by Clearing his Search History
No Cats Have Disappeared, Say Springfield's Mice
"Stop Using Springfield": Sherrod Brown Pushes Back at JD Vance
Vance Turns Stories He Creates Into Sci-Fi Trilogy
Vance Hopes Talking Nonstop About Pet-Eating Will Make Him Seem Less Weird
Trump Demands to see Taylor Swift's Birth Certificate
Putin Upset to See Someone Else Controlling Trump
JD Vance Grateful not to be the one who Royally Fucked up for a Change
Trump Claims He Has Never Met Kamala Harris
Trump Backs Out of Debate After Voices Inside His Head Refuse to be Muted
JD Vance Tries to Sound Like Regular Guy by Claiming He Had Sex With a Donut
How Harris Wins: An Interview with Nate Silver
Marjorie Taylor Greene Calls Vance Unhinged
Vance Advocates Posting Ten Commandments Inside Uterus
RFK Jr. Makes Turducken with Bear, Whale, and Worm
JD Vance Says Labor Day Should Celebrate Women who go Through Labor
Vance Attacks Cats Who Do Not Have Kittens
JD Vance Seething With Jealousy After Trump Starts Seeing Other Weirdo
Nation Cruelly Reminded of Existence of Tulsi Gabbard
Trump Backs Out of Debate by Claiming He Died in Helicopter Crash
Entire Kennedy Family Changes Last Name
JD's New Name Contest: We Have a Winner!
RFK Jr. Brings Much-needed Sanity to Trump Campaign
MSNBC Cancels Entire Primetime Lineup and Will Just Show Reruns of DNC
Republicans Quietly Stop Impeaching Biden After Realizing it Would Make Harris President Sooner
Melania to Speak on Final Night of DNC
George Santos Pleads Guilty and Offers to Return his Olympic Medals
Harris Offers $10,000 Tax Credit for Households with Cats
Study: People Exposed to JD Vance Lose All Interest in Procreating
JD Vance Cancels Speech After Running out of Eyeliner
Trump Confuses Helicopter Crash with his Campaign
Trump and Musk Share Tips on Running Companies into Ground
Trump Boasts About Huge Crowd of Voices Inside Head
Trump Vows to Ban Menstruation
Walz Challenges Vance to Change a Tire
Trump Claims Walz Was Never White Before
Trump Accuses Harris of Rigging Election by Choosing Non-horrible Running Mate
Profile in Ignorance: JD Vance
Biden Offered Russian Agent as Part of Prisoner Swap
Poll: One Hundred Percent of Democrats Support Vance Remaining on Ticket
Trump Brings JD Vance's Streak of Saying Most Idiotic Things to an End
People With Children Horrified to be Praised by JD Vance
Trump Replaces Vance with Sarah Palin
JD Vance Struggles to Explain Why Sad Childless Woman is Always Laughing
J.D. Vance Brainstorming Ways to Alienate Owners of Birds, Fish
Marjorie Taylor Greene Warns That Harris's Husband Has Access to Space Laser
Nation’s Cats Lash Out at J.D. Vance in Million Meow March
Harris Challenges Trump to Walk Down a Ramp
Melania Says Trump Tricked Her into Attending RNC by Promising to Sign Divorce Papers There
Republicans Accuse Democrats of Plotting to Nominate Winning Candidate
Donald Trump's Scary Cognitive Decline: An Interview with Mary L. Trump
RNC Ends on High Note as Ghost of Jeffrey Epstein Endorses Trump
RNC Attendees Donate Their Organs to Trump
Satan Declines to Buy J.D. Vance’s Soul
Biden Uses Presidential Immunity to Replace Judge Cannon with his Dog Commander
New Conspiracy Theory Links Wide Availability of Guns to People Getting Shot
Trump Requires Running Mate to Also be Cellmate
Trump Screens VP Candidates for any Worrisome Signs of Self-esteem
George Santos Urges Trump to Step Aside for Him
Biden Uses Sweeping Immunity to Replace Supreme Court Republicans with Jill, Hunter, and the Obamas
Americans Ask Supreme Court for Immunity From Trump
New York Woman Panics at Prospect of Four More Years With Trump
Biden to Wear Shark Costume at Debate
Melania Says Trump Has Shown Mental Decline Since She Last Saw Him Three Years Ago
Elise Stefanik's Extreme MAGA Makeover
Louisiana Classrooms to Replace History Books with “Art of the Deal”
Louisiana Orders Classrooms To Display All Ten Commandments That Trump Has Broken
Sharks Deny Any Interest in Eating Trump
What Gift Should Clarence Thomas Get on Father’s Day?
Marjorie Taylor Greene Warns That Windmills Will Drive up Cost of Wind
Tommy Tuberville Opposes Contraception and All Other Polysyllabic Words
Marjorie Taylor Greene: The Fauci Haikus
Prison Guards Dreading Body Search of Bannon
New President of Mexico Warns of Remorseless Criminals North of Border
Melania Says House Arrest for Trump Would Be Cruel and Unusual Punishment for Her
The End of Trump: An Interview with Adam Schiff
Trump Says it is Totally Unfair That He is Not Allowed to be a Juror
Announcing the Trump Haiku Contest Winner!
Trump Honors Those Who Helped Others Avoid Service at Tomb of the Unknown Podiatrist
Woman in Miserable Marriage Dreading Husband's Week Off
Alito's Wife Takes Credit for All His Clothes Being on Front Lawn
Process Server Locates Giuliani By Following Trail of Hair Dye
Kristi Noem Attempts Damage Control By Announcing She Also Hates Cats
Worm Leaves Scathing Yelp Review of RFK Jr.’s Brain
Trump Haiku Contest Finalists!
Steve Bannon Urged to Develop More Original Salute
Marjorie Taylor Greene Despondent After Learning Jesus Was Jewish
Betsy DeVos Calls For All Colleges and Universities to Be Closed Forever
The Private Haikus of Marjorie Taylor Greene
Trump's Trial Ends Abruptly After He Makes Full Confession in His Sleep
Puppy Breaks Into Kristi Noem’s Official Residence and Craps on Rug
Presenting The Borowitz Report Election Therapy Playlist
Millions Cancel Subscriptions to National Enquirer After Learning Its Stories May Not be True
Ukrainian Army Celebrates Major Victory Over Marjorie Taylor Greene
Trump's Daytime Snoozing: A Pictorial History
Manhattan Woman Disqualified From Jury After Revealing Negative Opinion of Trump
Poll: Majority of Americans Prefer Sleeping Trump to Conscious Version
Trump Rejects Several Female Jurors as Not His Type
Profile in Terror: Kristi Noem
Most Innocent People Try to Delay Trials, Experts Say
RFK Jr. Spreads Conspiracy Theory That His Mind is Being Controlled by Total Idiot
Experts Warn That Staring at Eclipse May Cause Brain Damage
Who Will Visit Trump in Prison?
Effort to Control Uteri Led By Men With Small Peni
Desperate Trump Tries To Fix Plunging Stock Price With Sharpie
All Copies of Trump's Bible Recalled After It Was Found to Contain Nuclear Codes
Profile in Ignorance: Eric Trump
Trump Forced to Sell Prized Collection of House Republicans
Mike Johnson Claims Marjorie Taylor Greene Appears in Book of Revelation
DeSantis Stops Spring Break Parties By Showing Up at Them